Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks to all of you for participating. We have received many questions, alhamdulillah.

Check out the 11 selected questions our counselor answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! we will try to include next time, in sha Allah. Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Stay tuned for more!

Question 1. Fear

In the past Allah was testing me but I failed both tests and I was disobeying him a lot, missing prayer and not praying on time. I have lots of prayer to make up. By the way, what I am scared and scared of is that when I was disobeying Allah, I know He loves me but he is reminding me of death, and I think now my death is near because when I am praying and I prostrate, my heart or my chest is going to hurt so bad, when I take long in my prostate. What should I do?  I know if I don’t stop sinning and doing bad deeds I know I would not be happy with my life, but the thing is that I want to change, and be a good person, but the thing is that the test is hard. What should I do?

Salam alaikum, dear sister,

Thank you for reaching out to us. You mentioned that you fear you have failed the tests of Allah because you disobeyed Him by missing or delaying your prayers. You also shared that you feel your death might be near because you experience pain in your chest and heart, especially when you prostrate for a long time. You are asking what you should do, as you want to be a good person and change, but you find this test very difficult.

First of all, sister, let me remind you that Islam is meant to be a religion of ease, not a burden. Sometimes, as human beings, we make it harder on ourselves than it needs to be. Practicing Islam should not feel overwhelming or like a source of suffering. Unfortunately, we sometimes set expectations for ourselves that are higher than what Allah (SWT) asks of us. I have a feeling that this might be what’s happening in your case.

Let me assure you that missing a prayer or not praying on time has happened to all of us at some point in our lives. It is not ideal, but it’s also the reality of being a human. The key is to sincerely try our best to improve and return to Allah with repentance. The fact that you want to change, do better, and be a good person is a very positive sign, alhamdulillah.

Here’s what I suggest:

1. Define What “Being a Good Muslim” Means to You

Ask yourself: What does it mean to be a good Muslim? What qualities and actions come to mind? Make a list of these qualities. Once you have this list, review it and ask yourself if your expectations are realistic and in line with what Allah (SWT) requires from us. Remember, Allah does not expect perfection from us. Our job is to strive for excellence, not perfection.

If you feel unsure, you can share your list with someone you trust, like a family member or a supportive friend, and discuss whether your expectations are too rigid or difficult to achieve.

2. Make a Daily Commitment

After reviewing your list, commit to gradually implementing these qualities into your life. Don’t overwhelm yourself. Focus on small, consistent steps.

Additionally, every day, write down three things you did that reflect the actions of a good Muslim. These could be small acts like greeting someone warmly, helping your family with chores, making dua, smiling at someone, or doing an extra act of worship. By recognizing these good deeds, you’ll realize that you are already among the good people, in sha Allah.

3. Address Your Fear of Death

Regarding your fear of death and the pain you feel in your chest and heart during prostration: I understand that this fear can be distressing, but I want to clarify that I have not come across any connection between prostrating, chest pain, and death. This seems to be more related to fear and anxiety than an actual sign of death.

Chest discomfort during prostration could simply be due to posture or physical strain, which is normal. However, if the pain persists or worsens, it might be a good idea to consult a doctor to ensure there’s no underlying health issue.

As for the fear of death itself, remember that only Allah knows the time of our death. If you are otherwise healthy, there’s no need to dwell on this worry. Focus instead on living each day with sincerity, striving to improve, and trusting in Allah’s mercy and wisdom.

4. Practice Contentment and Self-Acceptance

Sister, it’s important to accept that we are human and make mistakes, and sometimes we fail or fall short. That’s okay. What matters is that we acknowledge our shortcomings and commit to doing better.

The goal is not perfection but doing enough to please Allah (SWT). Know that Allah is Most Merciful, and He loves those who turn back to Him with sincerity. Rest assured that He loves you and is always ready to forgive you.

May Allah make this journey easy for you and grant you peace, contentment, and success in both this life and the Hereafter.

Question 2. Navigate Islam with Borderline PD

Assalamualaikum, 

I have a diagnosis of Borderline PD and life is hard, really hard with this mental illness. 

I try to engage with Islam and find a balanced view and it has been sending me into a spiral, we are prone to see in black and white. 

History to this is that this Personality disorder is a developmental one. When I was about 10 years old, I was taught a hardline (extremism- al muhajiroun now considered a terrorist group in UK) version of Islam, very very traumatised since, the world is seen through a very skewed lense, the thoughts, fear and anxiety overtake and everything is about going to hell, being punished. 

I lose any sense of self and start becoming harsh, rigid and dogmatic. I know Allah wants ease for us and that this religion is meant to be easy(ish) this is different to life being hard. And not to make Islam too difficult for ourselves otherwise we will be unable to sustain and snap.

Prayer is triggering, used to tell us if we didn’t, we were kafir and going to hell, I had no idea what I was praying or why. I know prayer is what makes us Muslim, so now I am in constant distress about this . I hyper focus on every single thing as am I sinning, am I sinning, have I sinned, even in good deeds. The Quranic Ayahs used were triggering too, no matter how much I read or hear about all the beautiful layers and meanings to an ayah, the way they manipulated the ayah to push an agenda also pops up first.

When I start engaging in religion or trying to make it a part of life, I get transported back to being in extremism thought patterns, they were very big on west v easy and Khalkha stuff, it was like I was taught to hate my reality even though it was all a blessing 

I just can’t break through the hold these instilled thoughts and values have on me, I want to be in the moment, enjoying life as a balanced Muslim, knowing that we sin and we are human and can repent to Allah swt 

I know it seems that I have the solution above but it’s been exhausting and causing mental health crises for me every time I look into religion and closeness to Allah swt an overwhelming guilt about being a bad Muslim, and not know what I deserved to have this illness, or to have been mentally traumatised by relatives as I have. 

I just want a guide for those of us this mentally ill factoring triggers around prayer and Quran, in how we should practice Islam or simplifying it in a way offering us hope and love of Allah swt not that we are doomed and damned, or to just pray and it will make it all go away (which I tried and tried, which has probably added to the salah trauma), or that we have caused our own mental illness (intensifying pinpointing sin, distressing remuneration), further perpetuating our religious trauma 

I have begged and begged imams and some scholars, even been mocked and laughed at, called crazy, but I will persist, I believe my village of Muslims within the ummah is there, where they can understand me and help me. 

So I ask you, how can I do this? 

Salam alaikum,

Thank you for sharing your struggle. You’ve explained a very difficult and complex situation related to religious trauma. You mentioned that you have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD), and you connect this to your Islamic upbringing, particularly since the age of 10. You describe being taught a very rigid, hardline version of Islam where everything was labeled haram, you were considered sinful, and you were even told you’d be a kafir for not praying. These teachings instilled deep fears about Hellfire and sin, and you’ve explained how this has significantly impacted your mental health.

I’m really sorry to hear about this,, and I want to acknowledge the toll this has taken on you. At the same time, I see a great deal of strength and positive thinking in your words. For example, you’ve recognized that life is filled with blessings and that Islam is meant to be easy. You’ve expressed a desire to live in the moment, enjoy life, and be a balanced Muslim. You also understand that, as humans, we are not perfect and that repentance is always an option. Alhamdulillah, this is a healthy and hopeful starting point.

While it’s true that environmental factors, like exposure to religious extremism, can play a major role in mental health challenges, including BPD, it’s also important to consider other aspects of your experiences. You haven’t gone into detail about your early childhood, family dynamics, or any possible abuse or neglect, but these factors can also be significant in the development of personality disorders. BPD, in particular, reflects patterns rooted in one’s personality, often shaped by a combination of early experiences and environmental influences. 

Troubled childhood experiences, for ex., abuse, neglect, can deepen the impact of being exposed to religious extremism in your teens, but also the opposite is true: having a safe, secure, loving, and caring early childhood and supportive family can prevent falling into extremist views. So, I have a sense that there might be other factors in your situation that led you here. 

Therefore I strongly recommend seeking psychotherapy to explore these issues. A qualified therapist can help you understand and process the emotions, fears, and trauma you’ve experienced. Look for someone who is familiar with trauma-focused therapy or therapies related to emotional healing. If possible, finding a Muslim therapist who understands both the nuances of religious extremism and the balanced, merciful teachings of Islam may be particularly helpful.

Therapy can help you address attachment issues, unresolved guilt or shame, and the fear of sin that has become so triggering for you. It can also help you reframe your relationship with prayer, the Qur’an, and other aspects of Islam in a way that nurtures your mental and spiritual health.

In the meantime, here are a few suggestions that may help you manage triggers:

1. Avoid Harmful Influences: Stay away from social circles, lectures, or masjids that promote rigid or fear-based interpretations of Islam. Seek out environments and scholars who focus on Allah’s mercy, forgiveness, and love.
   
2. Build a Supportive Community: If needed, find a new circle of friends or a different masjid where you feel spiritually uplifted. Surround yourself with people who embody kindness, balance, and understanding. Also on social media. 
3. Focus on Allah’s Mercy: Remind yourself that Allah is the Most Merciful and only He knows your intentions. We pray for His sake alone, and only He knows whether our prayers are accepted.  Stay away from judgemental people. Approach prayer with hope, love, and optimism rather than fear.
   
4. Practice Gratitude and Good Deeds: Engage in acts of kindness, no matter how small. A smile, helping a neighbor, or a warm greeting can bring blessings into your life and remind you of the positive impact you have on others.
   
5. Embrace Allah’s Qadr: Accept that this world is imperfect and that challenges are part of Allah’s divine plan. There have always been people who do not hear or care about the message of Islam and we need to show compassion and acceptance instead of hate for them. This also happens by His will and permission and it is beyond our control, but we have to trust that there is a good reason for that. Trust in His wisdom and strive to see the beauty in every situation. Focus on what you can control and it is your attitude and actions.  
6. Balance Fear and Hope: It’s natural to have some fear, as it can motivate us to improve, but balance this with hope and love for Allah. Remember His promise of paradise and the tranquility that comes from His remembrance.
   

Finally, I want to emphasize again the importance of psychotherapy. Trauma-focused therapy can help you address deep emotional wounds and reconnect with a healthier understanding of yourself, your faith, and your life. May Allah make it easy for you and guide you toward healing and peace.

Question 3. Islamic Education in This Society

Salam Alaikum,

I feel a bit “lost” in this society with children and trying to hold on to our Islamic values. I am the only one in the kindergarten who leaves her child at home as quickly as possible when Halloween, St. Nicholas, etc. are celebrated. Others don’t seem to mind at all, or go along with all the frills, dressing up, etc. Also, I have a really hard time keeping my son away from it because he loves daycare and everything that happens there. I feel like I’m rejecting him. And the attempt to offer alternatives fails because all children go to daycare, including those of the sisters, and because my circle of Islamic friends is not very large anyway. If I have to work and there’s a party like this, I have to take my child to daycare every now and then. This is confusing for him too. At 3.5, he doesn’t really understand why he isn’t allowed to be there anyway. 

I feel kind of alone with this, because no one seems to have that problem. If I ask, some tell me “its a good question”, like they are surprised. Isn’t it that we have to keep our kids away from those activities, if we can – not work for example? We can’t keep them away completely, but if it comes to the “big” celebrations, shouldn’t we try to do our best to keep the kids away from it? Christmas Party, Halloween Party and so on?

I am the outsider in the Kindergarten with what I do, even if there are many muslim families. 

Salam alaikum, sister,

Thank you for writing to us. I understand that you’re living in the West, and you have a 3.5 year-old child. You’re doing your best to hold on to your Islamic values during his upbringing, mashallah. He goes to a kindergarten where non-Muslim holidays are celebrated, like Halloween, Christmas, etc. Other people seem not to mind this, but you’re having a really hard time keeping your son away because he loves daycare and everything that happens there. You feel like you are rejecting him. You’ve tried offering alternatives, but they’ve failed because all the other children go to daycare, and you don’t have a large Islamic circle right now. On top of that, it’s confusing for your child because he doesn’t understand why he’s not allowed to be there. You would like to know how to navigate this.

My dear sister, I live in the West as well, and I am also a mother, so I understand this struggle. You are not alone in this; we all try our best to navigate these challenges.

Let me give you some tips regarding this situation.

First of all, I think your child is still very young, and as you say, he doesn’t actually understand why he’s not allowed to be there. He doesn’t have the developed consciousness to understand what is allowed and what is not. His desire to participate and celebrate is not a conscious decision, and from an Islamic point of view, he’s not even accountable for his actions at this age.

Secondly, if you continue living in the West, these holidays and celebrations will be a part of the curriculum. So, my opinion as a counselor is that instead of prohibiting him from going or treating these situations as “taboos,” I would suggest focusing on using them as opportunities to show how to live together with other faiths and communities in peace, tolerance, and understanding. For scholarly opinion please write here.

Complete isolation may not work, and it might not help his identity in the future. If your goal is to raise a Muslim who is proud of his identity and a productive member of society—someone who participates with his Islamic values and stands up for them—he needs to feel part of society. He needs to feel included, and he needs to be someone who is valued for who he is. Prohibiting him may not be the way to achieve that because prohibitions, especially at a young age, can lead to feelings of alienation, exclusion from groups, peers, and activities, and being seen as “the other.” This could harm his identity.

Of course, I’m not saying that these festivals are something we should celebrate as Muslims, and you can be very clear about this with him. You can explain that we do not imitate these celebrations. If you cannot avoid the school celebrations, that is not something you can control, but you can explain to him that you won’t participate in activities like “trick-or-treating” because that is not part of our tradition. Be understanding and validate his feelings, but remain firm in your stance.

You can also teach him about the differences, helping him understand why others celebrate and why we do not, always focusing on respect and acceptance.

You can maintain your values and model them because, at the end of the day, children learn from what we do, not just what we say. So, if he sees you strong in your faith—praying, seeking guidance from Allah when challenges arise, trying to follow your religion, being a good neighbor, a good friend, a trustworthy coworker, and participating in school gatherings while upholding your values as a Muslim mother—this will help him be proud of who he is.

I also want to emphasize that when he is young, the most important thing you can transmit is that he can trust you—that you are there for him. Try to ensure a secure and safe attachment by responding to his needs and not rejecting him or his ideas.

Another tip I can offer is that, although you mention you have a small Islamic circle right now, over time, you can subscribe to Islamic kids’ programs, even online, or join a Saturday Islamic group. This will help ensure that he has Muslim friends.

Make our celebrations special, actively seek out other Muslims to join, and focus on our own traditions.

May Allah make it easy for you!

Question 4. Love

Assalamualaikum,

I am a 17-year-old Muslim girl. For the past two months, I have felt that I like a guy. To be honest, I’m not sure if he’s just a crush or if I really like him. However, whenever I see him, I feel a connection towards him. We have never talked or interacted with each other, so I’m unable to figure out if he’s truly the one written in my fate or if this is just the kind of attraction that happens during teenage years.

The guy himself seems so kind and good-hearted. I don’t know much about him, but I feel as though I know him, and I feel a sense of comfort towards him. Interestingly, when I first saw him, I felt like I had seen him somewhere before, but in reality, I never have.

I have performed Salat-ul-Istikhara, and every time I do, it happens that we run into each other. I’m unsure if this is just another coincidence or if it is somehow related to my performing Salat-ul-Istikhara.

Salam alaikum, dear sister,

Thank you for your question.

You are asking about the Istikhara prayer and wondering whether what is happening is just a coincidence or somehow related to your Dua. You are 17 years old and have feelings for someone, and you feel a connection towards him. You have never talked or interacted with him, so you’re still unsure whether he’s truly meant for you or not. He seems kind and good-hearted, but you don’t know much about him.

What you are experiencing, sister, is quite normal for your age. You are growing into a young woman, and it’s natural to start having feelings towards the opposite sex. As Muslims, we strive for marriage and for a halal relationship, and because of this, we must try to maintain boundaries to avoid the development of feelings to the point where they become difficult to control. This is my advice to you as well.

I cannot tell you for certain whether it is just a coincidence that every time you pray Istikhara, you end up running into each other. There is a phenomenon where we tend to notice things we are concerned about, while other events in our lives go unnoticed. Many of us have experienced this.

What you can do, sister, is try to maintain those boundaries and continue making Dua for him. When the time for marriage comes, you can involve your family and ask for their help. Know that if he is meant to be your husband, it will happen, and if not, there is something better for you.

Istikhara prayer is done after making a decision. It is not about telling you the future; rather, it is about seeking guidance in making a decision. When we face a choice, we ask Allah for His guidance and support and ask Him to move us away from an outcome if it is not meant for us. Sometimes, we may want something that isn’t good for us, or we may not want something that is actually good for us.

I hope this helps. May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 5. Mental Wellbeing

My husband is thinking about buying a house with a little mortgage. Previously we decided that we will not buy house because without mortgage buying house here is near to impossible at least for us but after my son’s autism diagnosis my husband is also concerned about his future without us he thinks he will sell house back home and try to pay off mortgage as early as possible but i know it is not still allowed. I know Allah will punish you for taking riba in this world, is it true? Because of my son’s autism diagnosis I can’t think of any positive outcome. I know I should be patient but I can’t. I am looking for the purpose of my life. I am trying to find a reason I should be happy. I prayed to Allah during Ramadan to give me a healthy child. I prayed in my sujood to give me a healthy child. What can possibly go wrong in making dua that is not accepted. I have a strong inner feeling that if I take the next child it will be severely autistic and can’t stop thinking about it. 

Assalamualaikum, dear sister,

Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. Regarding the first part of your question about buying a house with a mortgage, I can not comment on this as I am not a scholar. I recommend reaching out to a qualified scholar who can guide you on this matter and provide a satisfactory answer, in sha Allah.

Now, I will focus on the second part of your letter as a counselor. You mentioned that your son has been diagnosed with autism, and since then, you have been struggling to see any positive outcomes. You know you should be patient, but you’re finding it difficult. You are searching for the purpose of life and a reason to feel happy. You also shared that you made dua during Ramadan for a healthy child and are questioning why your dua wasn’t accepted. Additionally, you have a strong feeling that if you have another child, they might also have autism. 

Sister, I am truly sorry for the challenges you are facing, and I understand how difficult this must be for you. What you described as a “strong inner feeling” is more likely a fear of having another child with autism. This fear is completely natural and understandable. Many families with an autistic child who are considering having another child experience these concerns. Even families with healthy children often have fears and hopes when planning for another child. Wanting a healthy child is a natural desire for any mother, and it is totally valid to ask for this in your dua.

However, sometimes Allah (SWT) has different plans for us. These plans always happen for a good reason, and it’s important to remember that they are never a punishment. The key is to change our perspective and see these tests as opportunities to learn, grow, and draw closer to Allah. It doesn’t mean that your dua was wrong or that there was a mistake in how you asked. Allah’s wisdom is beyond our understanding, and perhaps this test was written for you to uncover blessings and strengths you may not yet see.

Every test comes with blessings, even if they are hidden at first. Having a child with autism, like any test, can bring unexpected beauty and joy. I am sure your son is a wonderful child who will bring light into your life in ways you may not fully realize yet. As someone with a family member who also has autism, I can assure you that the journey is not black and white. There is so much room to find happiness, beauty, and purpose if we focus on them.

This shift in perspective takes effort, but it is a decision we can make. Your son was chosen by Allah (SWT) to be part of your family, and you were chosen as his mother. This is not a random event—it is part of Allah’s plan. He needs your love, care, compassion, patience, and nurturing. Through this, there is immense potential for personal and spiritual growth, alhamdulillah.

Regarding your concerns about having another child, you might consider seeking medical advice. Speaking to professionals about pre-diagnostic tests or genetic counseling may help alleviate your fears and assist in your decision-making. This could provide clarity and help you make an informed choice with more confidence and peace of mind.

As for your current journey with your son, know that early interventions can make a significant difference. There are many approaches, therapies, and strategies that can support his growth and development. Patience and consistent effort are key. While the future is uncertain, focus on striving for the best possible outcomes and avoid letting fear of the worst-case scenario dominate your thoughts.

Try to visualize a positive future—not just for your son, but for yourself and your family. This mindset can influence the decisions you make and help guide your actions in a more hopeful direction.

May Allah (SWT) ease your struggles, fill your heart with contentment, and grant you success. 

Question 6. Not Feeling Good Enough

Assalamualaikum

I have for the past months been battling with feelings of not being a good enough Muslim which gives me a lot of anxiety and makes me feel emotionally drained. I find it difficult to navigate things Islamically. Sometimes when I have a question regarding a matter I try to look it up online but most of the time I end up feeling overwhelmed by the variety of answers. I understand that different scholars have different opinions regarding matters. A lot of the time it leads me to think “What if I follow the wrong opinion and don’t realize it until the day of judgment?”. Living in a modern society is also something that I worry will affect me in a negative way due to there being so much haram like music playing in almost every public place etc. Sometimes I feel like my life has no meaning and what I do doesn’t matter since I can’t be good enough anyways. I’ve lost joy in most parts of life and I don’t have motivation to do anything. How can a Muslim face the fear and feeling of not being good enough? How do I know if I’m good enough? And what can I do to recover from this?

Assalamualaikum, dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us and sharing your struggles. From your letter, I understand that you are feeling like you are not good enough, particularly not a good enough Muslim. This has been causing you anxiety and leaving you emotionally drained. You’ve mentioned feeling confused about navigating things Islamically because of the variety of answers you find, and you’re afraid of following the wrong opinion. You’ve also shared that external factors, like music in public places, and societal influences affect you negatively. This makes you feel like your life has no meaning, and you have no motivation, joy, and a sense of purpose.

First of all, let me assure you that feeling like you are not good enough is a very common struggle. Many people, whether they admit it or not, share this core belief. It’s universal, and can be a regular feeling or the result of some negative, traumatic events or experience. However, the intensity of these thoughts differs from person to person, and even within the same person from time to time. When we are feeling low, it becomes harder to notice the positive things about ourselves and the world. While sometimes we have more hope, and can counterattack these thoughts with more positive ones, other times we may have less tools when they feel completely drained, just as you have described.. 

If these feelings of being overwhelmed persist and lead to a lack of motivation, joy, or purpose, they could be signs of depression or another mood disorder. Depression can manifest with symptoms like losing interest in life, feeling that what you do doesn’t matter, and struggling to find meaning. Sister, I kindly encourage you to seek professional support and get evaluated by a medical professional. They can help diagnose and, if necessary, provide the right treatment plan.

Now, addressing your concern about not being “good enough”: Sister, it’s important to remember that we are not required to be perfect. Perfection is only in Jannah. Allah does not expect us to be flawless; He expects us to strive. What we are aiming for is to be enough good, not “perfect.” So set your goal to be an “enough good Muslim” and know that you already have the tools for doing that. 

Sometimes, our feelings of inadequacy stem from childhood or external expectations—things we set for ourselves, or standards others have placed on us. These high expectations can make us feel like we are failing, but we need to accept that mistakes and failures are a natural part of life in this dunya. The key question is: How do we respond to failure? Do we acknowledge it, seek forgiveness, and move forward? Or do we punish ourselves and let self-blame take over?

If you find it difficult to replace these negative thoughts on your own, counseling can be very helpful. A professional can guide you in transforming self-critical thoughts into healthier, more constructive ones. Failing at something doesn’t mean you are a failure. Mistakes are part of growth, and the goal is to do your best and be content with that.

When it comes to being a good Muslim, remember that Allah values our efforts more than the outcomes. He has clearly defined in the Quran what He expects from us in terms of worship and our behavior toward others. Focus on fulfilling the basics first—your five daily prayers, being kind and trustworthy, and doing good deeds, even if they seem small. You don’t need to aim for big things. A smile, a kind word, helping someone, or making dua for others are all valuable in the sight of Allah.

It’s also important to be mindful of the content you consume online. If certain Islamic content makes you feel discouraged or overwhelmed, it’s okay to step back from it. Sometimes, such content can present an idealized version of Islam that feels impossible to achieve. But remember, Islam is a journey and the religion of ease not suffering. Progress happens step by step, and that’s okay. Focus on your daily achievements and strive to do a little better each day.

Here are some practical tips to help you regain a sense of purpose and joy:

1. Count your blessings: Spend 5 minutes each day reflecting on the blessings in your life. Even on tough days, try to find something to be grateful for.
2. Set small, achievable goals: Decide on three small, good deeds you can do daily, like smiling at someone, making extra dua for someone, or helping a family member with a task. Write these down, and at the end of the day, review them to remind yourself of the good you’ve done.
3. Keep a list of your good deeds: When you feel down, refer to this list. It will remind you that you are doing many positive things and that you are already good enough.

If, after trying these steps, you still feel overwhelmed or struggle to improve your mood, I strongly recommend seeking professional help. A counselor or therapist can support you in navigating these emotions and identifying practical ways to manage them. Depression or other mood disorders may need to be ruled out as well.

May Allah (SWT) make it easy for you, bring joy and contentment back into your life, and reward your sincere efforts.

Question 7. Shameful about my past and now blackmailed

I am doing marketing for a company, doing amazingly well, but once in February got involved into a flirty chat with a girl 22 years who is married. We ended it of course but her man holds a grudge against me. He wants me destroyed from the company. He wants me to see suffering and I get it because I betrayed him in some sort of way. Me and his wife never engaged in physical contact or anything, just flirted, that was the time when I was really away from Allah and I flirted with many girls over chat. Now the husband from that married girl does cyber bullying, exposing my chats all over social media flirty text and so, I tried to ask him for forgiveness his only way was change to my company or we are going to keep threatening and putting the text out in public.

I have done many bad things in life,  but I want to go back to Allah, seeking forgiveness, if the chats keep leaking out by him on social media. I don’t know how to deal with it, I am ashamed of my past and what I did but now I want to do good. What to in this situation? Thank you very much.

Assalamualaikum brother,

Thank you for writing to us. You explained that you work for a company, and in February you became involved in a flirty chat with another girl who is married. You said that this was during a time when you were really away from Allah, and you flirted with many girls. May Allah forgive you, brother, for that. You mentioned that there was no physical contact or anything beyond the flirty chat, but her husband found out and now he wants to destroy you.

He is cyberbullying you, exposing your chats all over social media, and so forth. He wants to see you suffer. You said that you understand him, actually, because you feel like you betrayed him in some way. You’ve tried asking him for forgiveness, but his only response was that you should change your company, or he will keep threatening you until you do so. You don’t know how to deal with this, and you feel ashamed and want to do good.

Well, brother, thank you for sharing this, and I understand that it’s a difficult situation. I think these are good signs, alhamdulillah, because it seems to me that you have repented for what you’ve done, and I think you even understand how damaging this can be to a relationship. It can cause feelings of betrayal for someone, and the break of trust in a marriage, even when, at the moment, you may not have thought of these consequences.

Here, there are two separate issues. The first is that you have done something which is not okay in the sight of Allah. You have repented, or if not, you need to repent and regret it deeply. Repentance has to be accompanied by seeking forgiveness from Allah and a commitment—a promise—not to do it again.

In other words, making a commitment that you won’t involve yourself with someone who is married. That can be a promise, and actions should follow your promise. InshaAllah, if you do this, according to the Quran, Allah is all-forgiving, and He will forgive your shortcomings. He guaranteed us forgiveness and mercy as long as we are sincere and really trying our best not to fall into the same trap.

The other thing is that you have not only wronged Allah but also someone else—the husband. You have to ask forgiveness from him as well. Sometimes this is more difficult because people are not as forgiving and merciful as Allah SWT. They have their hearts more solid, they have betrayal issues, insecurities, they can have their own hurt, their own reasons, and so forth for not being able to forgive as much as we expect. This is not in your control; it’s up to the other person whether he is able to forgive you or not.

What you can do is make sure that you try to reconcile, try to admit your mistake openly to this person, try to show repentance, try to ask for forgiveness, and then leave the rest to Allah.

This is his test as well, not only yours, but also the sister’s test as well. If we trust in Allah’s planning and qadr, we know that everything happens for a good reason. You only have to make sure that you do what is required of you after wronging someone, and if, despite this, he is not able to move on, not able to forgive, and he does not stop bullying you and exposing you on social media in front of the other companies, it may be that you will have to change your company.

But if you do it after your sincere repentance and your efforts, only Allah knows, but maybe that’s a better thing for you in the long run. Maybe that is part of Allah’s plan, and maybe it was part of your test, and maybe you are being guided to a better place as a result of this situation. So trust that you do what you have to, and then make sure that Allah is guiding you toward where you need to be. Check your intentions to be pure, make visible efforts, and trust in Allah.

Question 8. Second doubts about my engagement

Assalamu Alaykum I’m currently engaged to a Pakistani man. He’s very sweet to me and will do anything for me. He is religious. Which I love about him even more he motivates me to be closer to Islam, and I started praying because of him alhamdulilah. I’m starting to have second doubts because of his job status and strictness in riba. He’s a business owner as personal trainer and he gets income, but I feel it is risky because it’s not stable. He showed me his current house that he recently bought a couple years ago and it was a fixer-upper so he renovated the kitchen and the inside, but the outside is still in poor condition the living room and kitchen are in the same room and the upstairs is one bedroom for us and another bedroom for his mother. It’s relatively small,  Where I currently live right now, with my parents there is a lot of room. I have a lot of clothes a lot of shoes and I don’t know where I’m putting all of this. I don’t want to move into this small place and not feel comfortable and have to live comfortably with all of my things that I need as well as sharing one bathroom with the entire house. Eventually, I want to have kids Inshallah where are we fitting kids in this house? He has a basement and he wants us to move into the basement and have the kids stay in The bedroom upstairs. It just doesn’t seem reasonable and I personally don’t feel comfortable living like that and seeing a future like that, especially coming from what I have now alhamdulilah.

I’m trying not to be picky because I do love him and he is a good man, but there’s also times where he would joke about a second wife and he would joke about this frequently, but he would always just say I’m joking. I told my sister all of this and she said that I should be worried and that he might be serious about the second wife, but I always believed him but now I’ve been thinking is something that I wanna take a risk in? He also mentioned that he wouldn’t want me to work, but when I told him that I would want to work, he said that it’s fine but I’m just scared. He’ll flip on me and tell me that I can’t work. 

I also forgot to mention that I almost broke off the engagement a couple months ago because of this reason when I told my parents that he doesn’t believe in interest and wanted to live in an apartment since interest is haram. Because a couple months ago he told me that he would be selling his current house and that we would move into an apartment after our nikkah and I completely panicked and immediately told my parents and my dad said absolutely no, you’re not getting married to him. My mom is more religious and she said that this is not good to break off an engagement and that I will be sinned for it and obviously that made me scared because I don’t want to be sinned and let alone break this poor man’s heart I was also heartbroken about even breaking the engagement off because I do love him, but when I think about my future, I’m scared, my sister always says that you could find a sweet man and a religious man that has money that will take care of you but I know he will take care of me. It’s really just the whole interest ribs thing and the job status and just finances, I don’t know what I should do. I just told my grandparents after they came back from vacation about everything and they were in shock and they didn’t know what to say to me and it just made me feel worse and I just don’t know if I’m making the right decision by marrying him or not but I know I love him and I don’t wanna break his heart because he truly loves me too.

Assalamualaikum Sister,

Thank you for explaining your situation. You mentioned that you are engaged to a man who is kind, loving, and seems to be religious, but it also seems that you are experiencing serious doubts about continuing with the engagement. At the same time, your parents are pressuring you not to break it off.

You’ve expressed concerns about his strictness regarding riba (interest), which makes you worried that he will not agree to buy a larger house where you might be more comfortable. You also do not like the house and the area he plans to move to with you, and potentially your future children, in sha Allah.

Regarding the matter of riba, I recommend that you consult with a scholar. As a counselor, what I can tell you is that if you are used to a certain standard of living, it is your right to seek something similar in marriage. You can have expectations regarding your lifestyle, as long as you keep in mind the real priorities in life. While we live in the dunya, we strive for the akhirah, and it’s perfectly acceptable to desire comfort and stability within permissible bounds.

However, it’s important to express these expectations openly before marriage, even before engagement. Have a discussion where both of you can come to terms with what you want. It’s okay, and even, strongly recommended to discuss these things beforehand because, after marriage, once you’ve accepted someone with certain conditions and circumstances, it becomes a more complicated situation to renegotiate these matters.

Prior to marriage, you have every right to explore and discover whether the person is suitable for you on all possible levels. Of course, we cannot learn everything about someone before marriage, but we must take steps to clarify the important matters. These discussions should take place in a respectful, honest manner—perhaps in a public setting or with the presence of family members—so that both parties can express their expectations without hesitation.

Sister, if you feel hesitant about discussing your expectations now, think about how much harder it may be after marriage. If breaking someone’s heart now feels difficult, imagine the challenges of living a life where neither of you is truly happy. Being clear about what you want before marriage is an act of fairness—not only to yourself but to the other person. Sincerity and clarity, delivered with kind and respectful words, are key.

Regarding the issue of a second wife and his jokes about it, this is another matter that needs to be discussed openly. Whether he is joking or testing your reaction, it’s important to know his actual thoughts and plans regarding this. Even if it’s a future possibility, you should discuss it now so that it doesn’t lead to misunderstandings later. Your comfort and agreement on this matter are essential, as it could significantly impact your decision and even his decision moving forward.

About your parents’ concerns, I understand that breaking an engagement can feel like a betrayal of promises, especially culturally and personally. However, remind your parents that their ultimate goal is your happiness and a successful marriage. A marriage built on unresolved conflicts or major disagreements may not be sustainable. It’s better to pause and reconsider now than to face greater difficulties later.

While we are encouraged not to break promises, we must also recognize that Allah allows for divorce as a last resort when a marriage is not working. Breaking an engagement, while uncomfortable, can prevent entering into a situation that might lead to unhappiness or conflict. Discussing this with a scholar may also provide additional clarity.

The most important thing, sister, is that you only proceed with something you feel comfortable and confident about. Having a good and religious spouse is essential and commendable, but sometimes it is not enough for a happy and harmonious life. A strong marriage also requires mutual understanding, compatibility, and alignment on shared values and goals.

If you feel this engagement is not right for you, explain your feelings to your parents sincerely and respectfully. Take responsibility where needed and assure them that, in sha Allah, you will be more thoughtful, open, and deliberate in the future when considering another proposal.

May Allah make it easy for you, guide you in this decision, and bless you with clarity, peace, and happiness in your life.

Question 9. Depressed daughter

Assalamou Alaikoum, 

My daughter suffers depression, she is medicated but because she is in college (3 hours away from home and next year she will be back home incha Allah) she is not consistent with her medication. She is not motivated to do anything even when she comes home. Her dad thinks she is just lazy and wants to stay on her phone. I know it’s not true, because she got angry at herself for the time she wasted. I want to know what to do. I start to doubt myself and my judgment. I sometimes feel that she is lazy, sometimes it’s her depression as I dealt with it too, and I know how hard it can be. I really don’t know what to do! I am alone in it! She is a very nice and kind kid but she acts rude sometimes. I feel like I don’t know where to draw a line. My husband is saying it’s my fault because I am nice and not parenting correctly. He loves his kids, but is so hard and not empathetic. I pray for her, do sadaqa for her and I am so anxious! 

Jazakoum Allah khayrane!

A desesperate mom. 

Salam alaikum Sister,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your concerns about your daughter. You mentioned that she is suffering from depression, currently living about three hours away from you while attending college, and that she is inconsistent with her medication. You try to support her, but when she comes home, her mood seems to fluctuate. Sometimes she is angry, and other times she appears to be lazy, which her father also perceives as a lack of effort. She seems to hold some resentment towards you and has expressed that your kind and lenient parenting might be to blame.

I’m sorry to hear about the struggles your family is going through. Depression is a complex condition, and while medication can be helpful, therapy is often just as important, especially for someone her age. 

If your daughter is a teenager or a young adult, mood swings and emotional challenges are a normal part of development. It’s okay to know and acknowledge that when it comes to expectations towards her behavior. However, depression adds another layer of difficulty that needs careful attention and management.

First and foremost, not being consistent with medication can be very problematic. Interrupting or irregular use of medication can sometimes be worse than not taking it at all. Medications need time to work effectively, and inconsistent use can undermine their benefits. I strongly recommend consulting her psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist to address this.

Beyond medication, therapy—particularly consistent therapy—is essential. When she is home or if she moves back to you, it would be beneficial to help her get started with regular counseling sessions. Therapy can help her navigate her emotions, build coping strategies, and address the underlying issues contributing to her depression.

Depression often stems from feelings of inadequacy, not feeling good enough, or not feeling loved or valued. Unrealistic expectations or negative self-beliefs, self-esteem issues can lead to cycles of hopelessness and despair. As her family, your role is to provide her with an environment of love, acceptance, and support. She needs to feel heard, understood, and valued, and this requires sensitive and empathetic communication from everyone in the household.

What you can do as a family:

1. Foster a supportive environment: Explore whether there are messages she has internalized from family dynamics that may be affecting her self-esteem. Affirm her worth and focus on encouraging her strengths.
2. Avoid critical language: Words like “lazy” or comments implying she isn’t doing enough can be counterproductive and may deepen her negative emotions. Instead, focus on empathetic communication and avoid assigning blame.
3. Educate yourselves: Encourage your husband and other family members to learn more about depression, self-esteem, and emotional well-being. This knowledge will help everyone understand her struggles and avoid unintentionally making hurtful remarks.
4. Consider family counseling: Family therapy can be an excellent option to improve communication, rebuild trust, and strengthen family bonds. It can also provide tools for all of you to better support your daughter.

On a practical level, ensure that you are there for her as a source of stability and love. Help her feel comfortable sharing her thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Small acts of care and attention can make a big difference.

Lastly, sister, please know that your support as a parent is invaluable. May Allah grant you wisdom, patience, and strength in helping your daughter through this difficult time. In sha Allah, with consistent therapy, family support, and dua, she will find healing and a path forward.

Question 10. Marriage Search

I am a 22-year-old male, Alhamdulillah, and I have always strived to prioritize my faith, avoiding any haram relationships and staying focused on my Islamic values. Two years ago, my family introduced a potential match for marriage; however, due to differences in our family values, we decided to part ways. We are now seeking another potential partner, and I am genuinely worried about making the right choice. I would deeply appreciate your advice on what qualities I should look for in a righteous spouse. Additionally, how can I properly assess if a woman is truly righteous and aligned with my faith and values? I sincerely want to ensure that the person I choose will help me grow in my faith and that we can build a strong, Islamic foundation for our future together.

Assalamualaikum, Brother,

Thank you for reaching out and asking your question. May Allah reward you for your efforts in seeking guidance on finding a righteous spouse who aligns with your faith and values. While it may seem like an easy question with a straightforward answer, the reality is far more nuanced.

Marriage is deeply personal, tied to one’s faith, destiny, and individual journey in life, therefore any generic answer will lack this particularity. As a young person, you are still discovering what the future holds, including your qadr and the tests Allah has planned for you. With that in mind, let me share some key points to guide you:

1. Realistic Expectations

It’s essential to approach marriage with realistic expectations—about yourself, your future spouse, and about a relationship altogether. What does this mean? 

Marriage is not devoid of challenges; in fact, conflicts and trials are inevitable. Here my goal is not to scare you, but the right attitude and acceptance matter a lot. The key will be not avoiding these challenges but equipping yourself to navigate them effectively.

Every relationship requires growth, adjustment, compromise, and sometimes even sacrifice. It involves continuous effort, such as learning to work together with your spouse and finding harmony. There will be good moments too, in sha Allah, but challenges are a natural part of the journey.

To face these challenges, you need certain tools, such as:

• Good communication skills
• Self-reflection and accountability, ability to admit own mistakes, seek forgiveness, and forgive
• Willingness to change and grow
• Ability to compromise and express needs respectfully
• Emotional regulation
• Capacity to show love and care

These skills develop over time, also through the marriage and not by the marriage. These skills need practice, and the most important grounds for this practice are family, marriage, and children. So I think it is also unrealistic to expect from yourself and someone to have mastered these qualities by the time of the marriage, while looking into the family through this lens can help. 

It is recommended to start working on these things before marriage, and at least having a strong commitment and acknowledgement about their importance. Look for these qualities in a spouse as well, understanding that both of you will be works in progress.

2. Compatibility and Practical Considerations

When searching for a spouse, focus on compatibility in terms of values, goals, and future plans. Discuss both theoretical and practical aspects of life, such as:

• Where you intend to live (e.g., close to your parents or relocating for work).
• Expectations regarding work, finances, and family roles.
• Perspectives on children and parenting.

Practical issues are best addressed through open conversations. For example, you can ask your potential spouse to describe their vision for an ideal day, week, or life in five or ten years. These discussions can reveal whether your values and plans align.

3. Spirituality and Religion

Being religious is more than fulfilling basic obligations like praying five times a day. It involves a commitment to spirituality and self-improvement, such as purifying one’s heart, working on good manners, and showing patience. This journey is lifelong, and it’s unrealistic to expect spiritual perfection from a young person, whether male or female.

What matters is the commitment and interest in growing spiritually. When discussing religion with a potential spouse, consider asking questions like:

• What does tazkiyah (self-purification) mean to you?
• How do you view akhlaq (good manners)?
• What are your spiritual goals?

Listen to her responses and let her explain what she means, by asking genuine questions with curiosity. These conversations can help you gauge their interest and priorities in religion, as well as their willingness to grow.

4. Embracing Imperfection

Both you and your future spouse will be works in progress. Expecting someone to have everything figured out before marriage is unrealistic. Marriage itself is a test from Allah, designed to help us grow and become the people He wants us to be. Trust in this process and approach it with sincerity.

5. Open and Honest Communication

It’s important to address both comfortable and uncomfortable topics before marriage. This includes needs and expectations that may feel awkward to discuss but are essential to avoid misunderstandings later. Topics can include finances, family involvement, intimacy, and even matters like the possibility of a second marriage if it’s relevant to you.

Take your time when meeting a potential spouse. There’s no need to rush decisions. Seek sincere advice, be honest about yourself, and ensure that the conversations are rooted in fairness and clarity.

I hope this helps, Brother. May Allah guide you in finding a spouse who will be a source of peace, support, and blessings for you in both this world and the Hereafter.

Question 11. Violent husband

Hi, my husband of 15 years has been extremely violent and aggressive towards me since the beginning. He has a severe narcissistic personality and over the time he has ensured that I am isolated from friends and family, and I obey him no matter what twisted logic he presents to me as reason for obedience. I am a well educated woman and do not think of myself in any way lesser than him. He thinks all women are lesser than men and should be subservient to them. He hates it when I talk to my parents, and construes untrue things about them and tries to make me believe what he is saying is right. He is abusive towards me in front of my children,  uses obscene swear words which are extremely insulting,  threatens to hit me if I don’t agree to anything on principal, and displays  extremely volatile behaviour on a daily basis. I have become hypertensive, diabetic and a heart patient due to the constant stress he gives me. I am only in this relationship because of my children but he also threatens me that if I try to leave, he will make sure i could never have access to the children. He also threatens me by picking up the phone and  calling my parents to say how bad a person I am and how poorly they have raised me. My parents are both heart patients, and I stay quiet and don’t act upon the insults I am contactable subjected to because I don’t want them to get hurt. 

Please tell me if I am doing right by staying in this violent and insecure relationship. Thank you. 

Salam alaikom sister,

Thank you for your question. You are explaining that your husband has been extremely violent and aggressive towards you since the beginning, and you say that he has several narcissistic personality traits, and he isolated you from friends and family. You obey him, while you are a well-educated woman and do not think of yourself any way lesser than him. You say that he uses obscene words, he is insulting, threatening you, and you have become a hypertensive, diabetic, and heart patient due to the constant stress he gives you. You are only in this relationship because of your children, but he threatens you that if you try to leave, he will make sure that you could never have access to the children. He also threatens you by calling your parents to say how bad a person you are, and your parents are heart patients, so you stay quiet and don’t act upon the insults you don’t want them to get hurt.

Well sister, I’m really sorry to hear all of that.

Your last question is a bit confusing because you are asking me to tell you that it’s okay to stay in this marriage So the question that comes to my mind is, what is going on in your mind, how do you feel about this? I mean, what makes you asking whether it is okay to stay in a marriage and say okay to a violent and insecure relationship just for the sake of the children?

I wonder whether you have tried to discuss this, to oppose this during these years or not, because you say that you have health consequences because of the stress, but you do not mention anything about your attitude and about whether you have tried to seek any solution or support.

Just a side comment regarding his possible narcissistic personality disorder: this is a personality disorder, and while we can educate ourselves about narcissism, and indeed is recommended to do that, we may see these signs and these behavior manifestations in people, yet it’s a professional who has to diagnose. I’m not sure if this happened to your husband or not, because his awareness of his problem would be a good starting point for him to take responsibility and change.

Whatever is the case, what you have described is not acceptable behavior from a person, but that is not about you. His behavior is about him. And if this behavior is the result of a disorder he has to seek solution, therapy and make efforts to improve his marital relationship.

Dear sister, you have a choice. You can choose to say no to this. You need to think about whether you would like to endure this or not. I think children are not excuses because I’m not sure what is worse, living a marriage with constant abuse or staying in it and showing to your children that it is okay to treat a woman like this, that it is okay to stay and endure abuse and oppression, and it’s okay to not do anything. 

Regarding threats, know that they seem to be attempts to control and manipulate you, but he has less power over you and your children in reality. Please contact a domestic violence or abuse helpline, and explain your case. They will know how to help you to ensure your and your children’s legal and physical safety.

You say that you do not see yourself as any lesser than him. And yes, you, just like every human being, deserve to be treated well, and respected. You deserve kindness and fairness.

Please seek counseling, sister, to see if you have any self-esteem issues, and constantly remind yourself that you have a choice. You have a choice to stay, and you have a choice too to leave, and you have a choice to work on your health and work on your mental health, or not do that. You have a choice also to give a good example to your children and also have a choice to seek legal consequences for any kind of abuse against you. 

That’s your choice, and if you think that you have difficulties with making these choices, then please seek counseling and external support. May Allah make it easy for you.