Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thanks for participating in the session.

Please find the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. Feel strong on faith but irregular prayers

Assalamalaikum. I am a 35yo single woman. I have always had a strong belief since I was very young. But I feel for the last 2-3 years my prayers are very mechanical, there is no heart in my prayers,  my brain is always occupied and I can bring myself to only read the Fard prayers and can’t wait to finish the prayers (and get back to wasting time on the phone). I try to be regular with my prayers because otherwise I feel like I’m missing something in life (although there are weeks I can go without prayers sometimes). I don’t feel like I’m struggling with doubts or hopelessness, but something has shifted in me that I’m unable to change. Please help,

Answer:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

It sounds like you are experiencing a dip in eman at the moment. This is something that we all go through to some extent at some point, or more often than not, multiple times throughout life. Even the greatest, most noble of scholars are included in this. It can be quite distressing to experience this as you have noted. However, all is not lost as this is almost always just a temporary thing that one passes through and can take some time to get through. Additionally, the fact that you are bothered by it and are reaching out for support is a positive sign that you can get through this, in sha Allah.

The first thing I would usually suggest is to try and identify if there is anything in particular that has occurred in your recent life that may be causing this. You have said that you are not experiencing any doubts or feelings of hopelessness, Alhamdulillah, but I wonder if there might be something else going on in your life that’s causing some distraction for you? As a 35 year old single woman, there could be any number of things occuring in your life that are causing you distraction – relationships, career, finances, health.etc.. Take a moment to consider if any of these things are occupying your thoughts often and perhaps even causing you some bother that you find it hard to stop thinking about them? If you are able to identify something(s), then you should work towards dealing with your thoughts and behaviors around these preoccupying thoughts. Depending on the severity of the issue, you may need additional ongoing support to tackle the problem. Either way, if you are able to identify that there is an issue happening for you at the moment that is distracting your thoughts, then the positive thing about this is that you have successfully identified the cause of why you are having a hard time engaging in prayer and can be working on resolving and managing this.

Aside from this, regardless of whether you do or do not uncover some underlying issue, there are other steps you can take to help yourself. Firstly, work on your relationship with Allah and secondly to find some kind of meaning that gives you motivation to engage in prayer.

So, as for building your relationship with Allah, there are a few ways you can do this. Here you have spoken solely about your experience of prayer. There are other ways in which you can connect to Allah also, and perhaps in doing so, this will bring you closer to Allah which will in turn improve your focus in prayer, in sha Allah. You might begin with things that don’t take up so much time and effort (yet bring much reward), such as making you morning and evening adhkar, and making all the essential duas throughout the day, such as leaving and entering the bathroom, leaving and entering the house, before and after eating..etc.. These acts take just seconds, yet are those that keep your tongue and mind occupied with remembrance of Allah. Other things might include making time to read the Qur’an and study Islam. Do not overwhelm yourself. Start small. Just read an ayah or 2, or study for 10 minutes a day as a means to establish a habit. If you try to do too much at once, even if you are able, you may end up achieving quite the opposite of your intentions and become so overwhelmed that you end up giving up on everything. Take your time to build up spending more time on these tasks as and when you are ready. In sha Allah, in time you will notice that as these tasks bring you closer to Allah, this will see your focus in prayer improve also. 

The additional impact of doing these additional acts of worship are that they will also help to give you a sense of meaning that you currently feel you are lacking. Other ways to engage more deeply in prayer is to spend time learning and reflecting on the meaning of the words you’re reading – both the words of the Quran, and the words that accompany the actions that you make whilst performing salat. If you are conscious of the meaning of the words you are saying, this will bring meaning and connection to your prayer. it should also develop your love for prayer such that you will be less mechanical in the actions as you focus on why you are there and what you are saying.

You have identified that meaningless scrolling through your phone is a problem with you. In sha Allah, engaging in more meaningful tasks as mentioned above will deter you from doing this, by firstly keeping you busy in more meaningful things that you have less time to be on your phone, but also deter you from these things for the sake of pleasing Allah.

You might also think about how you could engage with other Muslimahs in your community. This can also be another way to strengthen your connection with Allah through positive connections with others who will encourage you on the correct path as a reminder of Him. Such interactions and activities may also help with finding meaning, especially if they are tasks such as community work, volunteering, attending study groups and khalaqahs or teaching for example.

May Allah reward you for seeking His pleasure and seeking to overcome your struggles in order to enhance your connection with Him through acts of ibadah. May He guide you on the straight path to success in this life and the next.

Question 2. Unequal Treatment

I have had a tough childhood, i was ok till 5 I had every person’s attention in my family I was the happiest! But when my younger brother was born everything changed! The attention I would get by just entering the room was gone. No one would care for me…I didn’t know what changed everyone but as I got older I realized it’s my brother and I started having fights with him and my mother would scold me much more. So I started hating him. It’s not like I Hate him. He was my younger brother. I still loved him. I also wanted to play with him.I started getting angry at every little thing my other older siblings (sisters) would make fun of me!  I was an irritated kid! I was not good in School either and no one knew until I failed in 3rd standard and 5th standard that the worst teacher would beat me so much and make me stand all day. I was having a really hard time but never told anyone, I had no one to tell. And at home I would have a fight with my mother on any little things which I couldn’t help but just to get angry! My mother has always treated me differently than my other siblings, I have gotten beaten a lot as compared to my brother or sister even my father had beaten me and would just shout shout shout loud! And it became my habit. I would not talk to my mother for weeks or months… And I am still the same now! I would be okay for 3 to 4 months then something would bother me. I would fight with my mother and not talk to her for the next 3 to 4 months and now I am a university graduate! I overthink everything a 1000 times. I am afraid to get married. I have a hard time making and keeping friends… I don’t know what to do. I am inconsistent in everything I do! I have a hard time focusing and I don’t want to hurt my mother! I do it every time! I always say sorry to her that I would not mess up again but I end up in this situation again! I don’t know what the problem is, it’s always me! No one likes to talk to me! 

And from my mother’s point of view she is the loving mother and my sister in-law lives with us whom they treat with so much care and love which she deserves. She is the nicest sister but she is two faced. I heard her backbiting me on the phone and I caught her taking money from my mother’s purse! I liked her in the start but i don’t like her anymore and i want to talk to her! But my mother got angry at me and she said if I want my mother to talk to me I have to treat my sister in-law nicely which I don’t want. I tried to do that but just can’t fake it like they do all the time! This is our current issue which has been going on and off for 3 years, they treat her so nicely which they never treated me like! They sometimes even ignore me and take her on the outings with my sister’s which are both married! 

I don’t know what to do now. I just don’t want to talk to mom or hurt her or myself or anyone else! 

Answer:

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister, 

I understand you are having quite a few issues with your family members, particularly your mother. This has been a problem for a long time, since your brother was born, only the problems have evolved along the way to involve your sister in law now.

In this kind of situation, I’d recommend that you begin by taking time to reflect on possible contributors and maintainers of the situation that you may have otherwise not considered. Firstly, since this first started when you were young in response to the birth of your brother, I wonder if jealousy paid a part in this to begin with? This is a natural part of growing up. Older siblings do tend to get jealous of their younger siblings as they take away the attention from them. Sometimes the older child can be quite malicious with it and for others it might be less subtle and often the child means no harm, it’s just a way of expressing their upset when they are unable to regulate their emotions. As an adult now, you obviously have matured and are better able to manage your emotions. However, it would seem that you are still experiencing some of these symptoms, only in a different way. 

It very much seems like you feel everyone is against you. This is not likely true, it just feels like it because of the way you are interpreting their behavior. This interpretation is then impacting on your thoughts about them and your consequent behavior towards them such as not talking to your mother for longer than acceptable stretches of time. It seems you are focused on all the evidence that supports your idea that everyone is against you which of course is going to lead you to feel singled out and disliked. Why would you theb feel positively towards them or have any desire to spend time with or talk to them, let alone live under the same roof? I challenge you to take some quiet time to think about the opposite. Challenge yourself to find evidence to the contrary of what you have been thinking. Look for examples of times when your family has shown evidence of positive feelings or actions toward you. It could be as simple as a smile, or greeting you. It wouldn’t be too unusual for people to skip these practices when they really dislike someone. What is likely happening is that you are so focused on genuinely believing that those around you don’t like you as much as they do others that all you are seeing is things that are being said and done that support this theory. This is why it is important that you consciously take the time to examine the extent to which your beliefs are true here. Do keep in mind also that whilst you are interpreting their behavior towards you to be due to their dislike of you, this is also influencing your behavior towards them and worse still you likely wouldn’t even be realizing that you are doing it. Such behaviors may then actually start having an impact on their perceptions of you. So, you can see how this can easily lead to a downward spiral. The good thing however, is like I said above, if you actively work on addressing these thought patterns, you can influence things in your favor and turn the downward spiral upside down and see things change for the better around you in both your wellbeing and relationships with others.

I also note that you recognise that this is a problem and you are owning your role in the continuation of your behavior and you have suggested you overthink everything and this is also why you are scared to get married for fear of how this attitude would affect your marriage. Alhamdulillah that although you are feeling distressed, you are acknowledging that you do have a problem and you are the one reaching out for help. This alone speaks of your awareness and willingness to engage in change for the betterment of yourself and your existing and future relationships. This places you in a strong position moving forward.

Be conscious of your interactions with others and be working on positive interactions. It may be that you begin with simple interactions to just check in with how they are. This is a great conversation starter and shows that you care. For both parties this will help to develop and nurture positive relationships between you. I’d encourage you to start with this. it may be uncomfortable to begin with, especially when you feel that they don’t feel so favorably towards you, but always keep in mind that the way you think they think of you is not likely true and even if they do, the best way to combat this and improve relationships is to be the one to make the change and treat them with kindness. After all, would you be unkind to someone if they treated you well? Not likely.

May Allah guide you and free you from this distress. May Allah place a love between you and your family where you will be the coolness of each other’s eyes in this life and the next.

Question 3. OCD- Waswasa

Salam, I have since a long time been experiencing a hard time in wudu. In the beginning it wasn’t as hard as it is now. I would redo my Wudu due to a movement but sometimes the movement was real gas. I then started to have issues with urine, like I would think I had dropped some urine after urinating. For the urine problem I used the method of sprinkling water and it was not a big change but it was something. I think that due to my computions I think I have developed OCD. I really want to change and I don’t want go about this no more.  The thing is that the thoughts about urine leaking and find braking are not as frequent outside the Salah but inside it is really hard. I don’t have any problems with these issues when I am at school or when I am busy with something else. I know I should ignore every  doubt but due to my sever waswas I can’t. What can I do and how can I reduce the waswas?

Answer:

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh, 

I understand that you are having a hard time with things relating to cleanliness where you feel the need to continually wash yourself, perform wudu multiple times and often fear you have accidentally been exposed to urine when using the bathroom.

I believe that what you are experiencing is indeed waswas. The fact that you realize that this is likely what you are experiencing and that you want to do something about it puts you in a strong position to conquer this without requiring further intervention moving forward. 

In brief, the answer is simple. Since waswas is from the shaytan, then you need to keep shaytan’s whispers at bay by seeking refuge from him with Allah. Keep Allah close by remembering Him in all you do throughout the day. Say prescribed duas for each action such as entering the bathroom and leaving the house. Keep your tongue moist with the remembrance of Allah such that no room is left for shaytan. Do keep in mind however, that Shaytan won’t like this and may even up his game in trying to attract you to his whispers so this is something to be  mindful of this too. Remain firm in your actions and show shaytan that you mean business! gradually engage yourself in other tasks as well, such as reading the quran, making dhikr, taking a course on Islamic studies…etc.. These are all tasks that you can do to feed your relationship with Allah whilst pushing shaytan away. Start small so that it is manageable and you can maintain such practices and not even give the shaytan a chance. Do bear in mind though that shaytan won’t like this and will try to work his dirty tricks on you some more. It’s very important that you maintain consistency here so as not to give any window of opportunity to shaytan.

In the moments where you experience waswas, it is important that you do not give these thoughts any time otherwise they will become more prominent in your mind and stand more chance of taking over. When the thought comes, just allow it to pass without giving it any more attention. This will be much easier as you continue to develop your relationship with Allah. It may also be difficult to begin with, but as with developing your relationship with Allah, it is something you need to maintain consistency and patience with in order to succeed. Part of this will also include not being deterred if you have setbacks, because this will happen too. The key is to not be phased by it and to continue forward for the sake of Allah and in sha Allah, you’ll be back on track in no time.

May Allah guide you and protect you from shaytan. May He reward your efforts for the sake of His alleviates.

Question 4. Feeling unworthy of husband

Salam Alaikum! My husband and I have been married just over a year now, Alhamdulillah. We are happy and get along great. He really is my best friend and I know he feels the same about me — we really do get along so well. He is the best and he always goes on about how much he loves me and is obsessed with me. THE THING IS, he has always been religious all of his 30 years of existence it seems as his family is Arab and I feel like that culture is more aligned with Islam whereas I am from a Muslim country whose family is just more Europeanized. Islam was always a thing in the background, not that important to us. Naturally, I didn’t care for Islam as I got older. I identified as agnostic and just lived a normal western life. I engaged in major sins that at the time I literally didn’t care about but looking back, as a practicing Muslim now, I am so ashamed and riddled with guilt! My husband knows some stuff but I have also kept some things to myself and he’s pretty cool about that and understands the importance of concealing your sins. I just still feel like I’m a fraud! His family thinks I’m this pious religious woman which whatever, maybe now I am, but I was a normal western girl back in the day! If they knew things they’d think of me so differently. If my husband knew things I feel like he might view me differently too. The thing is, I wouldn’t feel differently about him at all if he told me he did haram things in the past. I love him for who he is now and the past is so irrelevant to me, but I just feel like socially and Islamically it feels different for women vs men. How do I move past these emotions of imposter syndrome? I wish I could go back in time and change things but I can’t and I just have to accept it. Allah willed them to be for a reason and clearly here I am now Alhamdulillah. I just wish I really was who people thought I was. It feels pretty lonely sometimes and idk it’s shaytan but I’m like “i’d probably feel more relaxed if I wasn’t Muslim again and could just feel shameless” astaghfirullah but that’s how I feel at times.

Answer:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister, 

What you are describing is something that so many people go through when they get married, both men and women. It’s tough, because you’ve found a spouse, you love each other very much and accept them as they are. Some people choose to share their past and others do not. Some people are bothered by the history of their spouse and want to know more, whereas others are happy to leave it in the past and don’t want to know. These will vary from couple to couple. In your case, you’ve gone for a middle ground of sharing some, but not all. Although you didn’t share it all and that’s what has worked for you as a couple, you seem to be plagued by the past that you didn’t share. This seems to be particularly because you have been viewed in such a positive light and feel you don’t deserve it as the past that you didn’t share does not match with this view that is held of you. This is making you feel uncomfortable.

What you need to keep in mind is that the past is just that. It is in the past. Your husband and his family have accepted you as you are now in the present and are obviously content for you to have a future together. Sure, they don’t know the ins and outs of your past, but you were never obliged to share these details and you still don’t have to. I understand that even though you won’t share these details the discomfort is causing you some distress. However, see it this way. Your past has shaped who you are today. You may have done things to be ashamed, that you wish you could take back, but we learn from mistakes. If you hadn’t made these mistakes, perhaps you’d be out there doing all sorts of wrong and wouldn’t be the woman that your husband fell in love with. They are things that made you realize what’s right and wrong and shaped your personality in a good way. Maybe you sinned before, or maybe you didn’t, but your past now guides you to behave in more acceptable ways. So, your past may make you cringe, but it’s what guides you on the straight and narrow path to be a good and decent spouse to your husband. If you hadn’t had this experience, then perhaps you wouldn’t have the capability of being such a good wife and Muslimah because you had not yet been exposed to such life lessons.

There’s nothing you can do to change your past, but you can learn so much from it, even if it were that you made such regrettable mistakes. Instead of dwelling on the negatives, remember what you gained from the experience and use that as a platform to improve your character (which it sounds like it already is). This is not necessarily done by frequently remembering and dwelling on the specific events of the past, but more what you have learned as necessary to have good character. 

As for thinking that it would’ve been easier if you weren’t a Muslim, as you have said, this is surely the work of shaytan’s whispers. Remember, if you weren’t a Muslim, then maybe you wouldn’t have felt so guilty about your past and therefore wouldn’t have done anything to change. Imagine if you continued to live such a life without the fear of Allah to guide you. Would you live such a fulfilling life now? Where would you be now if you didn’t have regret stopping you from behaving in such ways? What kind of life would you be living? When you contemplate these things, I wonder if you would still feel that life would be more relaxed if you were a Muslim? Or even if you did lead a more relaxed life, would it be a better one? I believe if you reflect deeply on these questions then you would be better able to reflect back in a more positive way that makes it more comfortable for you to move forward in life without ruminating on the past so much.

May Allah forgive any sins you may have committed in the past and may He keep you on the straight path aligned with a happy marriage that will bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.