Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks for sharing your concerns.

Check out the 6 questions our counselor just answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Stay tuned for more!

Question 1. Hatred towards Allah

I have a bad experience since i was a child. At elementary school, I’ve being called crybaby and weak because I always cry as a boy. Not just students but also from my family. My parents always telling me to “man up”. If I cry, my parents always calling me crybaby.

Now I’m 17 years old, a high school student. And I kinda still hate my self. But one day, I slowly hate Allah. I feel like He ignored me. He ignored me when I was being bullied, being called crybaby. I blame Him for made me being born a boy with crybaby and coward personality.

Another reason is He created Adam’s kind as a kind who do crimes the most. Like murder case and rape cases. As a male, I really, really really ashamed of this. I hate how He let this happening, like we (males) are murderer, rapists, and any bad labels.

Assalamualaikum brother,

Thank you for your question.

It seems to me that, due to your early experiences in your community, you came to the conclusion that being a man is not as privileged as being a woman. You mentioned that women can be feminine, that they can cry without being judged, and that Islam always says to respect women. Meanwhile, when you were in high school, you were called a “cry baby” simply for being a sensitive boy. You have not received the support you deserved from your family either, unfortunately.

As a result of these experiences, you developed, unfortunately, a sense of hatred toward Allah because you see that He created Adam’s kind as those who commit many crimes, such as murder and rape, and as a male, you feel really ashamed of this. You hate how He allows such things to happen to people.

I will focus on the counseling and psychological perspective in my response. For the theological perspective, such as why Allah allows evil, you can find articles on our site, or you may also consult our scholars for a deeper understanding.

I am truly sorry that these experiences have had such a huge impact on you. I strongly recommend seeking counseling to deepen your understanding that it is okay to be sensitive and emotional as a man. There is nothing wrong with this, and in fact, it can be seen as a strength to show empathy and express your emotions.

What I would like to share with you is that I receive questions like yours frequently, and interestingly, I sometimes receive the exact opposite concerns from sisters who feel that Islam favors men over women. This shows that while your experiences are valid, perceptions like these often have more to do with what is happening in our environment, what is culturally accepted, and what family and community norms define as “being a man” or “being a woman.”

Unfortunately, in some cultures, certain behaviors are linked to gender, masculinity, or femininity, while in other parts of the world, this is no longer the case. It is important to understand that our religion does not make distinctions regarding emotional sensitivity. Being sensitive is not a gender issue. Men can feel emotions just as women do. Expressing emotions, being vulnerable, and showing empathy are human qualities and have nothing to do with gender.

While it is true that in some cultures, men are discouraged from showing vulnerability, we now know that suppressing emotions can lead to many psychological issues. There needs to be re-education around this, allowing men to express their vulnerability just as our Prophet (peace be upon him) did. For example, he openly expressed his sorrow and grief. Yaqub AS cried until his vision was affected due to the sorrow of losing his son. These notions of men not being allowed to cry or be sensitive do not come from religion; they come from cultural misunderstandings or misinterpretations of religious teachings.

Please consider seeking counseling when you can so that you can heal from these misunderstood cultural expectations, rebuild your self-esteem, and stand up for yourself as you are—because you are okay as you are. You also need to work on understanding that other people’s hurtful reactions and emotional or verbal abuse are not your fault. You are not responsible for how they hurt you, they are accountable for their own deeds.

If necessary, consider joining a support group or seeking a counselor, and try to find a community where you feel accepted, supported, and safe to be who you truly are, around people who are more emotionally mature.

May Allah make it easy for you and guide you towards healing and peace.

Question 2. Having worries

Why am I constantly feeling that there’s something wrong? My gut is always indicating something that’s going to happen which might turn wrong? My relationship, my family , my job everything seems wrong to me! Or there’s that I lack somewhere! Ive been getting dreams as well which are coming true.

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for writing to us.

You mentioned that you feel there is something wrong and that Allah is always indicating that something is going to happen. You also shared that everything seems wrong to you. Since your message is brief, I will give a brief recommendation in return, inshaAllah.

What you can do is to observe your inner self-talk and consider writing down the most frequent or recurring thoughts you are saying to yourself. Make a list of these thoughts, and once you have them, try to see if there is a pattern. Also, observe when these thoughts start to come up in your mind—what is happening around you or what has just happened when these thoughts appear?

Once you have these notes, reflect on where these thoughts might be coming from. What could be the origin of this self-talk? How did you develop these thoughts? This observation will help you understand what is going on within you.

Regarding that worrying feeling, try to gently ask yourself:
– Why am I feeling this way?
– What exactly am I afraid of or worried about?
– Is there something deeper beneath this feeling?

Going deeper with your questioning may help you discover the underlying reasons behind your feelings, inshaAllah.

If you feel that you need further support, please consider reaching out to a counselor or someone you trust who can guide and support you through this process.

May Allah grant you clarity, calm, and ease in your heart.

Question 3. Abusive mother

I’m a 21-year-old Muslim woman. During my vacation, I went to stay with my parents at their request, but being here has been emotionally exhausting. Since childhood, my mother has constantly nagged and insulted me, often in front of others, calling me lazy or useless despite my obedience and efforts to please her. I always obey her, not out of fear, but because I believe it’s my religious duty as a daughter to honor and respect my mother. What hurt me most recently was when she cursed me with death just because she saw me lying on the bed using my phone. I’ve forgiven her because she’s my mother, but I can’t forget it. My parents have a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship, and my mother often takes out her frustration on me. This has deeply affected my self-esteem. I started seeking validation outside, which led me to fall into zina, but Alhamdulillah, Allah guided me back and I repented. Even so, I still struggle with feelings of worthlessness. I tried to return to my university lodge or take classes to cope, but my parents refused and even made me quit my part-time job. Now I feel trapped and suffocated. In our culture, expressing feelings to parents is seen as disrespectful, and when I once tried to speak respectfully, my mother was offended. Since then, I’ve kept everything inside. I feel a growing sense of resentment and even hatred, and that scares me because I feel like staying here is slowly damaging my imaan.

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for your letter.

I am truly sorry for what you have been experiencing with your mother. I completely understand your struggle and how her behavior has led you to feelings of worthlessness, leaving you feeling trapped and suffocated. You also shared that, in your culture, expressing your feelings to parents is seen as disrespectful and that they become offended, so you keep everything inside. As a result, you feel a growing sense of resentment and even hatred, which scares you. Please know that this is completely understandable.

Sister, I would like you to know that regardless of culture, abuse is abuse, and hurting others is not okay. This is not a cultural issue; it is simply wrong. Islam does not allow us to abuse others, whether it is emotional hurt, constant criticism, verbal insults, cursing, or physical abuse. While cursing and harsh words may be common in some cultures, it is not acceptable, and does not make it right. 

This must be your starting point in understanding that there is nothing wrong with you for having strong reactions to hurt and attacks against your integrity and identity. The normal reaction to being hurt is wanting to protect yourself and to distance yourself from harm. 

Yes, in Islam, we are commanded to respect our parents, but we are not required to respect, accept or endure abusive behavior. Unfortunately, in some places, religion or cultural customs are misused to cover emotional immaturity and toxicity, and that is not okay.

We need to understand that expressing our feelings is okay and should be allowed. How we express them matters, and it is important to maintain respect and kindness while learning to communicate our needs. I understand that in collectivistic cultures, this can be more complicated, as personal sacrifice is rewarded. Therefore, some people, due to their upbringing, have never learned how to handle differences within relationships. However, it is normal in healthy relationships to have different needs and opinions, and it should be okay to express them.

What you can do now is focus on seeking help for your emotional healing and growth. If you can, please seek counseling or professional support, ideally from someone who understands the cultural context while also helping you rebuild your self-esteem. This will help you recognize that other people’s toxic and abusive behaviors are not your fault.

You need to learn to emotionally distance yourself from these behaviors and to stop making yourself responsible for other people’s wrong actions. I know this is not easy, especially when the one is hurting you is your mother. It is deeply painful to deal with the loss of the safe, nurturing environment that every child deserves.

Sister, it was your right as a child to be treated with respect, safety, kindness, mercy, and protection, and I am truly sorry that this was not given to you. Please know that Allah has His wisdom in everything that happens, and through talking with trusted people and seeking help, you may discover what lessons or growth opportunities can come from these experiences, allowing you to heal, inshaAllah.

May Allah heal your heart, grant you clarity, and replace your pain with peace and strength.

Question 4. Intimacy: an obligation or expression of love?

I am married since last 5 years and we have a child aged 4 years. My husband is a good man. He is kind and gentle. But since last 2 years we have on and off been having the problem of intimacy. Leading to fights. He has a high need of intimacy. Ideally he wishes to be intimate every chance we can get: two to three times a day. Initially I was keeping up with him. But now since last 2 years even though we have intimacy almost every night. He still feel like it is not enough. He feel I should initiate more often, be more proactive during it and be passionate. Problem is, my sexual drive has decreased. It might be due to this pressure I feel. Or might be hormonally after having a child 4 years ago. But, i feel very obligated because I dont feel the need for it. I only feel the need once a week or so. So that I don’t feel much turned on. And I have to put in a lot of effort. I am alright with doing it daily. But when he wants more than that I can’t bring myself to it. I vocalize my disinterest, which hurts him or I say okay but because during it i seem disinterested, or not so aroused. He still gets unhappy about it later. I feel at the point of break down. This daily activity has become difficult for me. Especially when he says continuously I should put in more effort. Even though I am already doing more than I want to or my needs. I know islamically I cant refuse and i think i should not. I feel inadequate because of this. And also I feel sinful. And I repent for it.

A side note is that he feels sometimes I am too bossy and I give him advices. We are in the same profession. And he feels sometimes that I am too overacomplished . He is very nice and has been supportive. But he has expressed professional comparison makes him feel like I dont respect him because I have gotton more degrees. But I dont care about those things. So I reassure him.

Help me what should I do? How can i increase my desire and interest to match his?

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for your letter.

As I understand, you and your husband have different needs regarding intimacy, especially in terms of frequency. It seems your husband has a high sexual drive and expects intimacy two to three times a day. You are having a difficult time keeping up with his appetite, which is understandable. 

You also mentioned professional comparison between you, explaining that your husband feels professionally inadequate at times, while you may come across as bossy or over-accomplished to him. You are wondering if this feeling of inadequacy on his part might be connected to his high intimacy needs, possibly as a form of compensation.

This is a valid question and something that would need to be explored further in marriage counseling, which I strongly recommend in your case. It seems there may be underlying dynamics impacting your marriage and your intimate life, and it would be beneficial to discuss these with a professional in a safe, structured environment.

If possible, please try to find a marriage counselor to attend together as a couple. This could be very helpful for both of you.

On the other hand, I would like to remind you that marriage is about two individuals with different backgrounds, needs, histories, and personalities coming together. There is no single “right” or “wrong” way to do things; there are simply different ways. A successful marriage requires focusing on how to bring these differences together without either of you feeling disregarded.

In other words, it is about compromise, which starts with understanding and respecting each other’s needs and perspectives. It is okay if your husband has a higher need for intimacy, and it is also okay if you feel it is too much for you. The key is to find a middle ground where both of you feel respected and comfortable, then make efforts from BOTH SIDES, and appreciate and recognize these efforts of wanting to meet the other. 

And here comes the issue of expectations. It is quite rare that two people have exactly the same needs, timing, frequency, or interest. So, when discussing expectations, they should be realistic, clear, and mutually agreed upon. Sometimes, we need professional support to set, examine, and reevaluate these expectations in a constructive way, which is why I again recommend counseling for you both.

Sister, I understand your feelings of inadequacy, and it is likely that your husband may also have similar feelings. It would be beneficial to work on understanding how your behaviors may unintentionally contribute to these feelings in each other and to explore how you can reframe how you express love and respect for one another.

May Allah make this process easy for you, bring barakah into your marriage.

Question 5. Support with life as an umarried woman

I am a soon to be 29 year old woman. As Allah has willed, I’m not married and I’ve been seeking to get married. I’ve gone through many talking stages (with my parents support) none of them have worked out. I’m now seeing my friends and family (younger) get engaged and married and it’s affecting me a lot.

Now I know everything will happen when it is meant to happen. But I get a lot of pressure from my parents who force me to meet any and every guy whose CV they get. I feel my parents worry and panic of me being an “older” unmarried woman, is causing me more anxiety and out of their desperation, they are making me meet men who have nothing to bring to the table (no stable job, no stable income, no house etc.). This has been me lose the spark that you would get when you meet a guy.

Aside from that, growing up in the western world, there’s a pandemic of lonely adults. I crave emotional intimacy and I have desires which are extremely strong at certain times of the month. To forget the world and all its misery and my desires, I spent much time studying about Islam in my early 20s then I started to drown myself in work. I walk a mile everyday so I can do my dhikr. I find fasting powers my desires instead of weakening them. I’ve lost interest in a lot of my hobbies that I once had. I try to talk to friends, but I feel a lot of sadness inside.

I dont know what to do with myself anymore. Any practical advice to make me a better person will help.

Assalamualaikum dear sister,

Thank you for your letter. I am truly sorry for what you are experiencing, and I deeply understand your disappointment, frustration, and the sadness you feel inside.

It is completely understandable that, at your age, you are ready to begin a life with companionship.

You mentioned that you have been unable to find the right match, while your parents continue to pressure you by introducing you to every possible candidate for marriage, many of whom have nothing to offer and are not suitable for you. This cycle not only leaves you feeling less motivated but also increases your parents’ anxiety and adds to your own disappointment as you have to keep facing options that are inadequate.

You also commented on the “pandemic of lonely adults” in the Western world, and that you struggle with craving emotional intimacy and feelings of strong desires.

May Allah make it easy for you, dear sister. I completely understand your struggle and frustration. Unfortunately, yes, in the Western world, while we may have many opportunities, the process of searching for a spouse has become more complicated than in the past. Social media and media in general have created unrealistic expectations, have set very high standards not only economically, but personally, spiritually, etc.  It also made many believe there is always “someone better” waiting, or that romantic love is the ultimate goal, instead of partnership.

It is good that you are aware of these traps. While these ideas are meant to make our lives easier, they often do the opposite, making the search for marriage and companionship more challenging. People first need to dismantle these myths and understand what the true role of a partner is and what the reality of marriage entails.

It is commendable that you try to “distract” yourself by learning about Islam. May Allah reward your efforts in trying to keep yourself busy during moments of loneliness. 

I cannot tell you when or where the person meant for you will appear. What you can do is turn to Allah for guidance, keep your heart open to the one who is truly meant for you.

It is also beneficial to reflect on and reevaluate your expectations regarding a spouse. What are the non-negotiables for you? What are you truly looking for? You mentioned financial stability, which is completely acceptable and aligns with Islamic principles, as well as being a practical personal preference.

At the same time, please remember that while Allah created us to be in families and partnerships, our well-being and contentment are not dependent on others. We are social beings who need companionship, but our happiness should not be placed on the shoulders of another person. It is our own responsibility to find contentment within ourselves so that, inshaAllah, we can share this with our future spouse rather than expecting them to create it for us.

Ask yourself: “Am I expecting a partner to make me happy?” If the answer is yes, try to reflect on how you can create your own happiness and contentment in life regardless of who is by your side. This can include engaging in activities that energize you—working, volunteering, spending time with children, being active in your community, or pursuing hobbies that bring you peace and fulfillment.

Trust me, I say this because even after marriage, this task remains the same. Being in a partnership does not replace the need to take care of your own well-being, and it is not your spouse’s job to make you happy. That responsibility will always be yours.

If you think it would be helpful, you may also consider counseling to explore these feelings further, set realistic expectations, and gain clarity regarding your readiness for marriage and what you seek in a partner. Trust in Allah’s timing, and know that when you are ready, He will bring the right person into your life. If there is a delay, it is for your own good, and Allah’s plans for you are always better than what we can imagine.

May Allah grant you ease, bless you with a righteous spouse at the right time

Question 6. Gaining less mercy and getting the custody of my daughter back from the nonbeliever

Guidance on stopping addiction regaining my daughter’s custody. Fighting against non-Muslims.  My in-laws are non-Muslims. I don’t know if the father still believes, but he’s lying is what took my child out of my hands in the very beginning.  

Assalamualaikum sister,

Your question is very brief. You are asking for guidance on stopping addiction and regaining your daughter’s custody. As I understand, your in-laws are not Muslims, and her father was lying, which led to your child being taken out of your hands.

Regarding the legal situation, it is unclear to me what can be done because I lack details here. However, if I understand correctly, you are struggling with addiction, and this may have led to losing custody of your daughter.

If this is the situation, I kindly encourage you to seek help in dealing with your addiction. Sometimes addiction, especially if it involves substance use, can be a coping mechanism to deal with painful emotions and possibly past traumatic experiences. In a nutshell, the pain and feelings that are causing you distress that one tries to escape from by engaging in addictive behavior. 

I recommend seeking support and an approach that is based on healing these emotional wounds while working on your recovery. Remember, sister, you are not alone, and Allah is always with you. Keep turning to Him and take steps to seek professional support if possible, as this will also help you in your efforts to regain your daughter’s custody, inshaAllah.

May Allah make it easy for you and grant you strength, healing, and a path to reunite with your daughter.