Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks for sharing your concerns. Check out the 7 questions our counselor just answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Stay tuned for more!

Question 1. How do you deal with a judging wife?

How to deal with a judging wife?

I am a revert to Islam I got married 1 year after reverting,

My wife is never happy if I pray 5 times a day and do 200 dhikr. It’s always “why didn’t you do 300” do you even believe in Allah?

If I stress she says “do you even believe? If you did you would never stress about anything” I’m sick of being criticised for trying to do good.

Assalamu Alaikum, brother,

Thank you for reaching out to us. You’re asking about how to deal with your wife, who often criticizes you. From what you’ve shared, it seems that no matter what you do for the sake of Allah, it never feels like enough for her—and she ends up questioning both your actions and your beliefs.

I am sorry for what you have been going through and want to clarify something: this issue is likely not about you personally. Often, when someone is overly critical, it stems from their own inner struggles—perhaps due to emotional or religious upbringing. If your wife struggles to see her own deeds as enough, she may also struggle to see yours that way. This is something she needs to work on.

This kind of struggle is very common. Some people internalize feelings of inadequacy and criticize themselves; others project those feelings onto their partners. It sounds like the latter may be happening in your case. Try to understand that this is her struggle, not yours. Your responsibility is to please Allah, not your wife.

So, what about pointing this out kindly to her? You can assure her about your support of seeking help or understanding of her criticism and feelings of inadequacy towards you. 

Remember, Allah has made it very clear what is required to gain His love. That should be your focus. The Sunnah offers various practices, including forms of dhikr (remembrance of Allah) and du’a (supplication), sometimes with recommended numbers—like 100, 7, or 3 times. These numbers are from the Sunnah, not obligatory, and the reward is in the sincerity, not the quantity.

As long as you’re striving to fulfill your obligations and seeking Allah’s pleasure, that is enough. In fact, sometimes even less can be enough—only Allah knows and judges our deeds, and only His judgment matters.

If you find that her criticism is affecting your self-esteem or sense of self-worth, I strongly encourage you to seek support from a qualified Muslim counselor. Working on your inner confidence and strengthening your faith can help protect you from being hurt by external negativity.

I pray that Allah brings peace and understanding into your heart and your marriage. Ameen.

Question 2. How to navigate an abusive marriage with a blended broken family

I married my husband two years ago and we started living together about 1 1/2 years ago. I have older children from my first marriage. We were all living together but ended up separating after 6 months. I was ready to get divorced at that time because he has been physically abusive and nothing was changing. I became someone that I didn’t recognize anymore. I then found out I was pregnant and decided to give him another chance after we agreed to work on things.

He has his own apartment and wanted my older children to live separately in the same complex. He has completely distanced himself from them and has said that only me and the baby are his family and responsibility. I never asked him or needed him to help with them because I work 3 jobs to support them. We have been living like this for almost a year now and I’m miserable. He won’t let me spend the night at my other place with my kids. There is literally no interaction between him and them, which I’m fine with if it weren’t so inconvenient for me to keep going back and forth. My kids miss living with me and I miss them (there’s always an adult there overnight).

He hasn’t been as aggressive as he used to be but I also don’t engage with him much because I know how dangerous he is when he gets angry. He will no longer go to any therapy as we went to 4 different ones and he refuses to return. He won’t talk to anyone about his anger issues. I don’t trust talking with anyone at the mosque because he volunteers there and is friendly with everyone there.

There is a huge cultural difference and he is much more conservative than me. He was raised in a Muslim, Arabic household. I have tried to adjust what I can to satisfy him but I can only do so much. I converted last Ramadan and initially was very excited but that faded away seeing how my Muslim husband treats me and then goes to pray.

He has made comments that I don’t do anything for him as a wife because I don’t cook or clean regularly although I do maintain cleaning the home as much as I can. I’m not home enough to cook usually because I’m at the other apartment with my kids for half of the week. We also have an infant that I’m trying to care for. He has said that my work doesn’t benefit him or our baby and only impacts them.

I’m torn but mostly done with the relationship at this point. I have to be careful in my approach because leaving him definitely will trigger him. I would be willing to work on our marriage but I don’t see him willing to. I also don’t understand why he insists that I stay in bed every night with him when we barely even talk at this point.

Assalamu Alaikum, dear sister,

Thank you for your letter. I’m truly sorry for what you’ve been going through. Let me start by making something very clear: being born a Muslim does not give anyone the right to abuse their wife, her children, or anyone else. Simply being born into a Muslim family does not make a person God-fearing or righteous.

Islam must be learned, practiced, and reflected in our behavior. It is not only about praying five times a day, but also about our manners, our behavior, our treatment of others, and the way we conduct ourselves in relationships.

So please understand: even if you are newer to Islam, it doesn’t make your husband superior. Nothing justifies abusive or unkind behavior. From what you’ve described, he is not treating you in the way a Muslim husband should. As a wife, you have rights—including the right to kind and fair treatment. Your children also have rights, even if they are not his biological children. He cannot prevent you from caring for, nurturing, or seeing your own children.

You mentioned that it feels like you’re walking on eggshells, and that even the smallest things trigger his anger. This is a serious issue, and it suggests that he is struggling with emotional or psychological problems that he needs to address. 

You also mentioned that he tried therapy but stopped going. Whatever the reason may be, it’s important for you to remember: as a woman—and as a Muslim woman—you have the right to be treated with kindness, respect, and dignity.

If someone cannot—or will not—treat you fairly and refuses to change or improve, you have the right to walk away. Marriage in Islam is a mutual relationship, not one-sided. If there is abuse, neglect, or harm—and especially if he refuses to seek help or take responsibility—you have every right to seek separation. You deserve a life free of emotional and physical abuse, and you deserve to feel safe every day.

Please seek support from your family, friends, and community. If you are able, consider counseling for yourself to help rebuild your self-worth and inner strength. Counseling can be a powerful tool in helping you reclaim your dignity and voice. Reaching out to your support system is also important; it can give you the strength to stand up for your rights.

If stepping away from this marriage is the path that leads you to safety and peace, then know that it may be part of Allah’s plan to replace hardship with something better. If you’ve tried to make things work—and it seems that you have—sometimes it’s also necessary to accept that the other person is either unwilling or unable to change. Also, that the willingness of one is not enough – he is responsible for his actions and the efforts he needs to make. 

That’s when we need to look inward and reflect deeply: Do I want to continue living this way?

Please take care of yourself and your children. Maintain a strong bond with them, show them love and reassurance, and if they’re old enough, help them understand—gently and appropriately—what you are going through. Strengthen your relationship with them as much as possible.

May Allah make it easy for you and guide you to what is best. Ameen.

Question 3. About married women

I am a married mother of 4 kids .. married almost 14 years alhamdulillah. I was always insecure about my body. I was very skinny before my marriage with flat breast.. after my kids, I put on a lot of weight and my body changed in a bad way …. My husband always wants a nice body .. I tried to be fit but if I continue exercising my breasts get flatter … after many years now my husband keeps checking girls on instagram who has a good body and big breasts… after many deliveries my body gets saggy plus my breasts get more shrunk…. He doesn’t show his interest in me. What should I do?

Assalamu Alaikum, dear sister,

Thank you for your letter. I’m truly sorry that you’re not feeling good in your body and that you’re not content with yourself. It’s also unfortunate that your husband’s behavior isn’t helping you feel any better—and I’m really sorry for that as well.

From what you’ve shared, it seems that you’ve always struggled with insecurity about your body, and that this did not start with your husband. Rather, it appears that you’ve had a hard time accepting yourself as you are—even though you are beautiful in your own way.

We all have imperfections—whether it’s our breasts, our hair, our face, or our body shape. No one is free of them. This is how Allah created us, and our uniqueness is part of His wisdom.

In today’s world of social media, where so much is fake or artificially enhanced, it’s easy to feel like we are not good enough. These platforms often feed our insecurities, making our imperfections seem worse than they really are. So yes, social media can be very harmful when it comes to self-esteem and body image.

It’s also important to mention that social media doesn’t just affect us—it can also negatively impact those who constantly compare their spouses to others online. This brings me to your husband: he has a clear Islamic responsibility to lower his gaze, whether on the street, in the workplace, or online. Looking at other women online fosters dissatisfaction and comparison, which is harmful to the marriage and certainly not in line with the Sunnah.

Even if your husband feels there are things about you that he doesn’t like physically—which sometimes does happen in marriage—he should focus on what he does appreciate about you. I am sure there are many beautiful qualities in you that he values. You can gently remind him that Allah has made you for one another, and that when he (also you) focuses only on the negative, it deeply affects how you feel about yourself and your relationship.

I strongly recommend individual counseling for you, dear sister, to help build your self-esteem and improve your relationship with your body. At the same time, I also suggest couples counseling, so that both of you can explore whether there are deeper issues at play, and to help your husband understand how his actions are hurting you.

Talking these things through with a professional can create space for healing and help you both reconnect with kindness and attraction in your marriage.

If you’re also interested in improving your physical health, gentle exercise like walking, cycling (including indoor cycling), swimming, or gymnastics can be great. These can help you feel healthier and more confident without necessarily targeting specific areas like the breasts. Physical health is important, but the goal should be feeling good—not meeting unrealistic beauty standards.

Please continue to care for your body, your health, and your emotional well-being. Dress nicely for yourself, practice self-care, and believe in your worth. You are lovable and beautiful as you are. Try to step away from harmful comparisons on social media and focus on building self-love from within.

If you can support this journey with counseling—both individually and as a couple—it could be a great step toward healing and growth, insha’Allah.

May Allah make it easy for you, give you strength, and fill your heart with peace and confidence. Ameen.

Question 4. How to deal with PTSD

My father used to do bad behaviour with our mother and my younger brother,me over simple things and sometimes for no reason. He used to do so much aggressive bad behaviour with us. Now whenever he comes home my chest feels tightened, I feel like crying loudly and I feel so frightened. I felt like he might beat us,he might shout at me,my mum, my younger brother. I researched it and found out that I’ve PTSD. How to deal with it please tell me. Sometimes I feel like murdering my father because of hatred towards him for his behaviour. Sometimes I feel like I should kill my mum and younger brother then I’ll kill myself. Please tell me what to do . How to deal with such situations..

Assalamu Alaikum, dear sister,

Thank you for your letter. I’m truly sorry to hear that you had such a painful experience with your father, who has been aggressive toward you and your family. It’s completely understandable that, when you return home, you feel your chest tighten, want to cry loudly, and feel frightened. You fear he might hurt you, your mother, or your brother.

You asked how to deal with this, and first, let me say: I am truly sorry that you are experiencing this. Unfortunately, it seems that you are still living with your father, which means you are in an environment where you feel threatened. This makes healing more complicated because your nervous system can’t distinguish between past and present threats. You are constantly in fear, plus past trauma is deeply interwoven with your current experiences.

If possible, I would encourage you to explore whether there’s any way to distance yourself—even temporarily—from your father or the household, especially if there is an actual risk of harm. Can you stay with relatives, such as your mother’s side of the family, or somewhere safer, at least until your father realizes that this behavior cannot continue?

Whatever emotional or psychological struggles he may be facing, abuse is not permitted in Islam. No trauma or personal hardship excuses aggression toward others. He is accountable before Allah for his actions, and harming his family is not just a personal issue—it’s a spiritual and ethical violation.

If possible, someone from the community—perhaps an elder, imam, or trusted relative—should try to speak to him, reminding him of his duty to behave justly and with kindness. He must learn and practice compassion not only for himself but towards his family, otherwise he is risking losing you all. This would be an important step. 

However, if he is unwilling to change or acknowledge the harm, you and your mother have the right to distance yourselves and seek a safe space, both physically and emotionally.

Once you are in a safer situation, you can fasten the healing process. While I cannot make a clinical diagnosis, it seems very likely that your stress response system has become overactive due to prolonged trauma. The tightening in your chest, the fear, the urge to cry—these are typical trauma responses, part of what is often called the fight-or-flight response.

It’s important to know that your body is not betraying you. In fact, it’s trying to protect you from perceived danger. These reactions are not signs of weakness; they are normal responses to dangerous situations. But over time, they can cause emotional exhaustion, and that’s why it’s important to learn how to regulate your nervous system—to distinguish between real and perceived threats and to begin processing your emotions, including fear, pain, and even anger, which is completely valid in your situation.

As you are still young, this can be difficult to work through on your own. So I strongly encourage you to seek support. This could be from a trusted group of friends, an Islamic support group, or counseling if it’s available to you. If possible, try to involve your mother and brother in this healing journey. Family counseling or group support can help all of you begin to process what has happened and build emotional safety together.

Please know that you have the right not to live in fear. If you or anyone in your family is currently in danger, do not hesitate to reach out to someone in your community—an imam, family member, or social service—to find the safest and most practical way to remove yourselves from the threat.

Sister, you are doing your best in an incredibly difficult situation. Healing from this kind of experience takes time and support. May Allah give you strength, 

Question 5. Should I wait for emotional connection or ask for divorce?

It’s been one month since our marriage and we have not consummated our marriage because of me. My biggest concern is that I don’t feel attracted to my husband’s personality, sense of humour, emotionality, intelligence, or the way he talks. We also have little in common. There is no companionship with us, nothing fun that makes me comfortable with sexual intimacy. I don’t feel any sexual desires for him for this reason. He is religious, kind and understanding. I do not wish to deprive him of his rights. Emotional connection can develop with quality time and communication. I am not physically attracted to my husband. It might have to do with our lack of connection as I have never had sexual desires or crushes on anyone. Objectively, he is fit and not unattractive however, I do not feel physical attraction which is another reason I cannot be intimate with him. My husband has a lot of love for me but it is not reciprocated. I feel pressure to be intimate with him though he says we can take our time. I fear that I’ll never be able to reach companionship between us and unable to fulfil my duties to my husband. I also fear that my lack of attraction will become resentment and lose my compassion/mercy for him. I’ve become unhappy, guilty with our situation.

Could this have been avoided if we spent more time vetting each other? Sure, but we are married now. I should have been realistic towards myself that I needed attraction/connection to be intimate. Others told me it would be fine without it, but I have come to learn that this is not the case for me.  So should I wait or ask for divorce?

Assalamualaikum, sister,

Thank you for your question. As I understand, it’s been a month since your marriage, and you have not consummated it. You say that you don’t feel attracted to your husband’s personality, sense of humor, emotionality, or intelligence. You feel that you have little in common and no sense of companionship. You also mention that nothing makes you feel comfortable being with him, and therefore, you don’t have any desire to be intimate.

At the same time, you acknowledge that this situation might have been avoided if you had more time to get to know him before marriage. You say that you should have been more realistic with yourself, and acknowledged that you need attraction and connection in order to be intimate.

I understand what you’re going through, sister, and I’m truly sorry for your experience. But I also wonder: how do you imagine marital life without any communication, connection, or willingness to get to know one another?

It’s true that connection is necessary for intimacy—but connection doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It has to be built through conscious efforts and a willingness to engage with one another.

One month is actually a short time in marriage. You haven’t explained how you got to know each other—was it an arranged marriage? I assume there wasn’t much connection before the marriage. If that’s the case, now is the time to begin building that connection. Since you have already said yes to this relationship—at least for the sake of Allah—you should try your best to get to know this person.

Without trying to connect with each other, it’s difficult to truly understand his personality, his sense of humor, his way of thinking, or how he expresses emotions. How can you be sure you have little in common if you haven’t really communicated deeply?

You say there’s no companionship—but how can there be, if there hasn’t been an attempt to build it? You mention that you don’t find him attractive, even though he has a lot of love for you, and that you cannot reciprocate. You also say you feel pressured, and fear that you’ll never be able to reach companionship or fulfill your duties as a wife. You’re concerned that your lack of attraction might lead to resentment, and that you’ll lose compassion and mercy for him.

Now, you feel unhappy and guilty about your situation. These feelings, expectations, and fears—I’m not sure whether they come from within yourself or from external sources, such as your family. 

I don’t know how you were raised, or what kind of examples you’ve seen in your family regarding marriage, relationships, and connection between spouses. These early experiences often shape our ideas about how to love, how to express love, and what we expect from ourselves and others.

Also, it is worth exploring your general attitude towards relationships. If you think you have difficulty connecting with others in general—if you struggle to form bonds, even with friends—I would kindly recommend counseling to help you explore what may be limiting your ability to connect.

You’re right that now you are already married, hopefully with your full consent. If you did say “yes” willingly, then it’s important to make an effort to connect with your husband—without high expectations, but with a natural curiosity. Try to spend time with him, pay attention to him, and allow space for something new to grow.

On the other hand, if you did not give your full and free consent to this marriage and were forced into it, that is a very different situation. In that case, I am truly sorry. Forced marriage is deeply harmful, and your feelings are a natural consequence of being in a situation that goes against your will. 

Of course, if there is no willingness on your part to fulfill your duties toward your husband—as you mentioned that you don’t want to deprive him of his rights—then it is important to seek support. You should consider how to end this marriage in the most appropriate way, and explore what steps you can take to find a future marriage that you fully consent to and wholeheartedly agree with.

Question 6. Hurting My Husband

Assalamu Alaykum, I got married by the beginning of the year. But I hurt my husband and I’ve been doing more damage than good. 

I’m trying to become better and go to therapy but it feels like every time instead of doing enough good things I just can’t be the perfect fit for him (I’m trying to be one but I have to acknowledge my limitations and how long that could take), and I keep hurting him. Would be fair to ask for a khula under “I can see that I’m creating pain in you and hurting you more than repairing the damage. I can not be that person yet and I don’t want to keep you with me with all this pain I keep causing” or would it come out as if I’m giving up and it shouldn’t be allowed or a bad reason for Allah to not allow me to even smell Jannah. I want the best for him but I can see how I’m not the best. 

Assalamu alaykom, sister, 

Thank you for your letter.

You mentioned that you got married at the beginning of the year, so it has been a few months—perhaps three to five months. You say that you’ve hurt your husband and that you feel you’ve done more harm than good. However, you don’t explain what you mean by that. What do you mean by “hurting him” or “doing damage”? I’m not sure whether this is something he has said or expressed, or if it’s how you perceive the situation.

Did something specific happen that led you to this conclusion?

You also mention that you’re in therapy, but you feel like, no matter what you do, it’s never enough—you just can’t be the “perfect fit” for him. You say that you want to be the best for him, but you can see how you’re not.

I want to pause here, sister, and ask: who told you that you have to be the best or a perfect fit? Where is this belief coming from? Because this expectation does not come from our religion.

When Islam talks about marriage and companionship, it doesn’t mean that spouses have to be flawless. It doesn’t mean that couples won’t face challenges, or that they won’t need to adapt to one another. It also doesn’t mean that people must enter a marriage perfectly healed or without any mistakes.

So I’m wondering where this idea of needing to be perfect is coming from.

You mentioned that you’re going to therapy, and you feel like you’re not doing “enough good.” That makes me wonder whether you may have been struggling with feelings of inadequacy even before your marriage—and now those feelings are being triggered within the marriage. 

If you’ve been dealing with mental health issues or struggles with self-worth, it’s important to know that yes—these issues can absolutely surface in relationships. But you’re on a journey. And if both of you consented to this marriage—if he chose you as you are, and you chose him as he is—then both of you need to give each other time, patience, and mutual support.

I strongly recommend sitting down with him and trying to have an open and honest conversation. If possible, involve a trusted counselor or mediator. That could be really helpful in your case—someone who can observe the dynamic, guide the conversation, and help distinguish between actual concerns coming from him and the internal pressures you’re placing on yourself.

It would be very useful to talk about what he wants, how he feels about the marriage, and whether you can find ways to resolve any disagreements—if there are any.

You should also know that, with the help of a counselor, you can explore whether your expectations at the beginning of marriage are realistic, and learn to distinguish between intentional and unintentional hurt. You’ll gain clarity about what your responsibilities are in a relationship—and what are not.

So I highly recommend continuing therapy and seeking counseling as a couple, if possible.

Regarding your question about khul‘ (initiating divorce as a woman), I will include an article from our site about valid reasons for divorce. You can also contact our scholar to ask more specific questions about this process.

May Allah make it easy for you, 

Question 7. Broken Trust

Assalamoalaikum, my husband recently found out about my past sins and lies recently within the first year of our marriage. I have repented for my sins and I still repent each day. I have been naive and lied to him about things, but when I did it , it pierced my heart and I promised myself not to do anything once I am with him. Alhumdulillah we were living happily till he found out about everything. I’ve tried to reason him and asked for my one chance to proof my piety now, but he can’t get over my past. He is now considering divorce, I’m shattered, I truly love him.

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for your letter.

You mentioned that your husband recently found out that, during the early stages of your marriage—within the first year—you lied about some things. At the time, you didn’t fully realize it was wrong, but later you recognized your mistake, repented, and changed your behavior. You say that you had been living happily together since then, until he recently discovered those things from the past.

You’ve tried to reason with him and explain yourself, but he is struggling to get over what happened and is now considering divorce, even though you truly love him.

I’m sorry for your situation, sister. This is a test for both of you, and I understand your point of view.

I wonder, what were the reasons you felt you had to lie about those things? Perhaps, at the time, you felt that hiding certain things was the only way to maintain peace in the relationship. Of course, lying is not encouraged or justified, but sometimes people make such choices based on what they believe is best in a difficult moment.

Sometimes we use certain coping mechanisms—like hiding things—because they worked in our past, especially if being sincere once led to negative consequences. If you’ve ever been punished, misunderstood, or rejected for being honest in your past, that may have shaped your reaction in this marriage. I don’t know your full story, but it’s something worth reflecting on.

The important thing is that you realize your mistake, and Alhamdulillah, you repented. You’ve acknowledged your wrongdoing and taken steps to correct it—and that is commendable. May Allah accept your repentance.

This is also a test for your husband, especially in terms of trust. He likely had an image of who you were and placed his trust in you. Understandably, these events may have shaken that trust, and he may now be struggling with feelings of betrayal.

What can you do?

Rebuilding trust requires time, effort, and consistency. What may help now is open, ongoing communication and visible efforts on your part to rebuild that trust—through sincerity, transparency, accountability, and consistency in your behavior.

It may also help if you can gently and humbly explain your intentions at the time. Be honest about why you chose to hide those things—perhaps out of fear, confusion, or a desire not to lose him. Express that you understand now that it was the wrong approach, and that you’ve grown from it.

Invite him into your healing process. Ask him what he needs in order to feel safe and to trust you again. Explore together what triggers his fear or hurt, and how you can respond to it with understanding and care.

And always remember: every marriage faces challenges. Every person makes mistakes. Sometimes we hurt each other unintentionally. Sometimes we fail. But these experiences can also be opportunities for growth—both individually and as a couple.

Allah has put you both in this situation for a reason. Perhaps this hardship can bring you closer together, deepen your understanding of each other, and strengthen your relationship.

If you feel the situation is too difficult to navigate on your own, I recommend involving someone trustworthy—a counselor, religious advisor, or respected family member—who can guide the conversation in a constructive and supportive way.

Please keep the lines of communication open. Reassure him that you love him, that you want this marriage to continue, and that you are willing to work for it. May Allah help you,