Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks for participating with your questions.

Check out the 6 questions our counselor just answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Stay tuned for more!

Question 1. Shift for companionship

I am struggling with physical intimacy and emotional connection in my marriage. My husband has unresolved trauma from his past, including childhood abuse, bullying, and neglect, which have impacted his emotional availability and our relationship. He is currently undergoing therapy and taking medication for his mental health challenges. I understand that these factors may be influencing his behavior, but they have also made it difficult for me to feel emotionally safe and valued in the marriage at times. Due to past betrayals and emotional pain, I’ve started to feel that romantic love is no longer essential for me in this marriage. Instead, I’ve found peace and solace in focusing on my relationship with Allah and have considered shifting to a companionship-based marriage where the emotional focus is on mutual respect, support, and spiritual growth. I am unsure whether this shift in my emotional focus is a temporary response to the pain I’ve experienced or if it is genuinely a redirection from Allah, helping me prioritize my spiritual growth over worldly matters.

I wonder if I am being led by Shaytan, trying to distance myself from my husband, or if this is Allah’s guidance toward a healthier relationship and emotional peace, especially in light of my husband’s struggles.

How can I discern whether this shift is truly from Allah, guiding me toward a healthier relationship in this world and the next, or if it’s something that may be detrimental to my relationship with my husband and to fulfilling my marital duties as prescribed in Islam?

Assalamu alaykom, sister, 

Thank you for your question. You explained that your husband is currently undergoing therapy and taking medication for his mental health challenges, including past trauma and ADHD. You understand his situation, but you also find it emotionally difficult to feel safe and valued in your marriage due to past betrayals and emotional pain. You’ve started to feel that romantic love is no longer essential for you in this marriage. Instead, you’ve found peace and solace in focusing on your own relationship with Allah. You’ve shifted to a companionship-based marriage, where the emotional focus is on mutual respect, support, and spiritual growth. However, you are unsure whether this shift is a temporary response to the pain or if it’s a genuine redirection from Allah, guiding you to prioritize spiritual growth over worldly matters.

Well, sister, what you have explained sounds, mashallah, quite deep and thoughtful.

While I can’t tell you definitively whether this is a genuine redirection from Allah, as only He knows, what I can tell you is that when we understand our fears and emotional patterns and we are able to heal, we can shift towards more secure relationships. The experience you’ve shared could be part of that healing.

And you are right, sister, Allah, is the only absolute and perfect source of emotional reliance, and no other human can truly give us that comfort.  As the Prophet, peace be upon him, said about the infinite mercy of Allah: “Allah is more merciful to His servants than this mother is to her child.”

Even when we love each other, we often can’t give that care 100% of the time. 

If you are able to turn to Him and then bring that healing into your marriage, that’s a wonderful thing, and I’m sure it will also positively impact your husband. If he sees you as a more secure and confident person, that will benefit your relationship.

What does this mean in practice? 

For example, you may become more balanced between independence and closeness with your husband. It means you are no longer overly dependent on him; seeing him as a partner—a great source of togetherness—but not expecting him to fulfill all of your emotional needs. You are also okay with yourself as you are. You can share moments with him, but you don’t rely on him to fill emotional gaps. There is balance.

Furthermore, if you are able to communicate your needs with him without conflict, being able to maintain  boundaries (i.e. not identifying yourself with his feelings), and if there’s mutual empathy and understanding between you, that’s another positive sign.

When we have not healed from our emotional wounds, we often lack this balance. We may fear vulnerability, or we may be overly dependent on reassurance to feel loved.

If you’ve come to the understanding that you know he loves you and that his struggles are not about you or your relationship, and that he may react in certain ways due to his own challenges, you’re likely feeling more emotionally independent. That’s a great transformation—a goal for many.

This doesn’t mean you should disregard worldly matters or the love between you. Of course, you must also assess whether this situation leads to a lack of desire for intimacy, a reluctance to enjoy things together, or emotional distancing. 

How can you differentiate?

When we love, we are able to love ourselves and others without the constant need for approval or reassurance. Attachment issues often involve dissatisfaction, unmet demands, and insecurity, and trust issues. When you realize that there are still issues with control, approval, expectations, or trust, and that this shift is just a temporary coping mechanism, then some more work may be needed.

If you’re still able to share happy moments, desire intimacy, and want to be with him, but without depending on him for emotional security, then Mashallah, that’s a great thing. Continue on this path.

And remember: this is a lifelong journey and the goal is not to get rid of past emotional patterns totally, but rather being able to respond to these situations more effectively and overcome them easier and faster. So in this sense, it is not either a temporal or a permanent thing shift; but rather a gradual one.

I hope this helps, may Allah help you 

Question 2. Abusive parents

How do I go about dealing with my parents respectfully when they say things to me that hurt my feelings? I have applied to graduate schools after graduating but I wasn’t able to get into any of the programs I applied to. Since then they have been saying very hurtful words which cause me to fight back, often times raising my voice and saying things I regret due to my anger. They will call me words like stupid, unsuccessful, and say that I will never be able to make it in life because I have “wasted so much of my time”. I know I am still young and I have so much ahead of me but recently they have started to tell me that no one will marry me, and maybe if I was prettier someone would have by now.

I know that disrespecting your parents is haram, but what do you do when they don’t emotionally support you when you’re trying so hard to succeed. Applying to the field I want to get into is very competitive so I am aware that there’s a lot of uncertainties, which is why I’ve tried to put as much faith in allah to help guide me throughout everything. My intentions have always been “ya allah help me succeed in way that will benefit me in the dunya and my akhirah”. My parents been like this all my life, where they would chip away at my self-esteem and have caused me to feel depressed and anxious. I don’t commit haram sins like drugs, sleep around and I try my hardest to pray salah and recite Quran. I work two jobs and put all of my money towards savings, I will spend as much on my family and give sadaqh. I know that I have a good heart but the toxic relationship I have with my parents seems to be taking the barakah out of my life. I know what a mothers duas will take you so far in life and I am greatful for everything she does but the verbal abuse that comes with has come to point where I can’t tolerate it anymore. I have two younger sisters yet they never seem to talk to them the way they do to me.

Assalamualaikum,

Thank you for your letter. You asked how to deal respectfully with your parents when they say things that hurt your feelings. From what you’ve shared, it seems that you applied for an education opportunity but were not selected, and since then, you have been hearing hurtful words from them. I can understand how difficult that must be.

It sounds like when they say things like “you are stupid” or “you’ll never succeed” or “you’ve wasted so much of your time,” it’s causing you a lot of pain. I’m really sorry to hear this. I wonder if your parents realize that by insulting you, they’re not helping you, but only making the situation worse. I understand that you may feel angry, and it’s natural to respond with hurtful words in return, which you later regret.

It seems that they are struggling with their own frustrations, and perhaps they don’t know how to support you during difficult times. It seems hard for them to face their own disappointments, and maybe they don’t realize the effect their words have on you. 

But just because your application wasn’t accepted this time doesn’t mean you are a failure, unworthy, or incapable. It simply means that, at this time, your application wasn’t successful. This situation says nothing about your value as a person or your abilities.

It’s unfortunate that your family doesn’t see this, and I’m sure it has more to do with their own struggles than anything related to you. They might not know how to provide empathetic support. Please understand that this isn’t about you—it’s about their inability to deal with the situation and their own emotions.

Secondly, you have every right to tell them how their words are hurting you. You can express that their insults are not helping and are making you feel worse. Ask them kindly to stop. 

However, you mentioned that out of anger, you sometimes say things you regret. It’s important to think about this. The only thing you can truly control is your own emotions, words, and actions. If you can maintain self-control and avoid responding in anger, you can avoid the guilt of saying something that you might regret later. It’s okay to feel angry because the situation is unfair, but it’s crucial not to act on that anger.

It is okay to feel anger, and actually, it is a natural response to being treated unjustly. In Islam, we are not required to endure oppression or injustice. Our Lord is the Most Just, so trust that He restores balance and justice in His own time. 

Trust that His justice is supreme. Respecting your parents doesn’t mean you have to tolerate verbal abuse or mistreatment. You can still stand up for yourself without disrespecting them. It’s important to control your anger, but it’s also okay to express that you are hurt. You can say, “Please stop insulting me; this hurts,” or, “I need support in this situation, instead of insults and hurt.”

If necessary, you can distance yourself from a situation where you are being insulted. Let them know, calmly and respectfully, that their lack of support is painful to you, and that you would appreciate more encouragement from them.

Ultimately, our relationship with Allah is what matters most. It’s painful when our parents don’t approve of our choices or provide the support we need, but there are other people around us who can offer comfort and reassurance. Just because your parents may not be able to do this right now doesn’t mean you’re not deserving of support. If you turn to Allah, He will guide you and put the right people in your life who can offer care and encouragement.

You mentioned that your mother has always been there for you, and you are grateful for everything she does, but her verbal abuse is something you cannot tolerate. That’s completely understandable. You have the right to separate gratitude for the good she has done from the rejection of verbal abuse. It’s important to express this, but always maintain your respect and self-control. Lead by example, and this will help prevent escalation. Insha’Allah, this will also help your parents realize their role in the situation, and they may become more mindful of their words.

May Allah help you and grant you patience and wisdom in handling this difficult situation.

Question 3. Emotional Abuse

Hi, I’ve been married for two years Alhamdulilah I have a son and another on the way.

My husband was away throughout my first pregnancy and this time round he had been here physically but neglected me emotionally he only ever communicates for intercourse and even then dismisses my feelings whenever I try to express how I feel physically or emotionally he responds with threats of remarrying or blames me for doing haram.

We have had a rocky marriage but I’ve maintained my respect for him however I’m always either compared to other women all for any help or support around the house. I feel as though me and my son have become a burden to him. I cannot delve into everything that’s wrong but the hurtful things are these here feeling like a burden and being used purely for satisfaction. This has impacted me mentally and given I am pregnant it’s is a lot for me to deal with.

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for your letter. I’m really sorry to hear about what you are going through in your marriage. You mentioned that your husband neglects you emotionally and communicates very little with you. Whenever you express how you feel, either physically or emotionally, he responds with threats of remarriage or accuses you of doing something haram.

Let’s pause here for a moment and let me assure you: You are not responsible for his actions. Everything he does is his responsibility, and he will face the consequences of his choices, just as you will be accountable for your own actions.

I’m not entirely sure of the details of your marriage, but what I can tell you is that every relationship has challenges, and there are ways to address them. Both of you have needs, and these needs can sometimes differ. However, there is always room to compromise and seek a middle ground. This can be done respectfully, without threats, abuse, or hostility.

Given the situation, marriage counseling could be a good option. Sometimes, people don’t learn healthy communication skills in their families, and unfortunately, many families don’t practice respectful, non-violent communication. People often need to be taught how to communicate with kindness, how to express their needs without making the other person feel threatened, and how to respond with empathy. If marriage counseling is not possible because he’s unwilling to participate, consider involving your family or his family, or someone who you think could positively influence him.

You mentioned that you have maintained your respect for him, yet you feel compared to other women and as if you’ve become a burden to him. Sister, let me tell you that you deserve a kind husband, one who treats you with respect and love. As a Muslim wife, this is your god-given right. Anyone who intends to make you feel bad about yourself is violating your rights. You have to believe that you deserve to be treated with kindness and fairness. Yes, you also have duties as a wife, but your rights are equally important.

If you can find support around you—someone who can help remind him of his responsibilities as a husband and positively influence him—please reach out to them. The mental and emotional toll this situation is taking on you is not something you should bear alone. A healthy marriage requires both partners to contribute, and it’s essential to explore what’s happening in your relationship, what your possibilities are, and where you can compromise.

At the same time, I encourage you to work on your emotional independence. Strive to find a balance where you can feel good about yourself, regardless of how he is behaving. In the end, we can only rely on Allah, our ultimate source of comfort, peace, and tranquility. Yes, Allah has created tranquility between spouses, but it’s a two-sided process. Both partners need to work together on it. However, if you’re doing your best and he is not, the rest is not on you.

If he fails to treat you with the respect and kindness you deserve, you have to remind yourself that you have the right to this treatment. If he continues to fail in fulfilling his duties as a husband, he risks the marriage and the consequences that come with it.

Please try to seek support from your family or someone you trust who can have a positive influence on him. Don’t be afraid to express the struggles you’re facing, as they are real and require attention and action.

May Allah help you and guide you through this difficult time.

Question 4. My Husband

My husband is in jail. When he was out he did give me my rights or fulfill his duties.

I was constantly trying to help him in getting a job and be closer to his deen as he would commit major sin, every major sin you can think of, his done.

I have been patient, I have been forgiving but he does not appreciate me or care about my rights or my opinion when it comes to our kids, he never compromises and just demands me to do things without caring about my feelings.

I am starting to get over this marriage. I thought he would wake up and change while being in jail but he has just got worse as he is surrounded by people who are Muslim but don’t practice. Whenever I express myself he just gets angry and starts swearing in Arabic and hangs up.

He doesn’t like to communicate or talk about feelings, he calls me “ annoying” for trying to talk about something that is bothering me.

He does not provide and has brothers who don’t help me, none of his family makes the effort to see our kids and wants me to drop them off to their house and leave, although the baby is young and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her with them as in her eyes they are strangers; he does not see my point of view.

What can I do in my situation?

Wa Alaikum Assalam, dear sister,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your struggles. You are dealing with a very difficult situation—your husband is in jail, and despite your efforts to support him in finding work and growing in his faith, you feel unappreciated. You have been patient and forgiving, yet he does not seem to value your efforts or respect your rights. Instead of improving, his behavior has worsened, and when you try to express your feelings, he responds with anger, swearing, and dismissing you as “annoying.” Naturally, you are now questioning whether you can continue in this marriage.

1. Support vs. Taking Responsibility

First and foremost, may Allah reward you for your good intentions and patience in standing by your husband during his struggles. However, it is important to distinguish between supporting someone and carrying their responsibilities. A supportive wife encourages her husband to seek help and improve himself, but ultimately, it is his responsibility to take action. If you find yourself constantly trying to “fix” his problems while he remains passive, this could lead to enabling unhealthy behavior rather than helping him grow.

2. Understanding Your Worth

You mentioned that he does not appreciate your patience and forgiveness. I want to ask: Do you truly believe that you deserve better treatment? Because the reality is—you absolutely do. You have rights in this marriage, and those rights include being treated with kindness, respect, and consideration.

A healthy marriage is built on mutual support, not one-sided sacrifice. If you entered this relationship believing that you must fix your husband’s problems or that your emotional well-being depends on his actions, then this imbalance needs to be addressed. Marriage thrives when both partners are secure and independent while also being able to rely on each other in a balanced way.

3. Emotional Expectations

Reflect on whether your efforts come from genuine support for the sake of Allah or if they come with the expectation that he will change and appreciate you. If you find that you are relying on his approval to feel secure, then it might be time to focus on your own emotional healing. Learning to feel secure within yourself, without depending on his validation, can help shift your perspective. Allah is always there for you—He is the true source of comfort and strength.

4. His Reactions & Communication Issues

You mentioned that whenever you express yourself, your husband reacts with anger, swearing, and hanging up the phone. Clearly, his communication style is unhealthy. He may be dealing with frustration, shame, or a sense of failure, but that does not excuse his disrespectful behavior. You cannot fix his communication problems or self-esteem issues, but you can work on how you express yourself.

Instead of making accusations (e.g., “You never listen to me”), try expressing your needs using “I” statements: “I would like to discuss our matters openly without feeling dismissed or shut down.” Ask him how he suggests working on communication. A marriage is a two-way effort—what is he willing to do? If he avoids responsibility, remind him gently that a healthy marriage requires effort from both sides.

5. Family Issues & Your Children

You also mentioned that his family does not make an effort to see your children, and you feel uncomfortable leaving them alone with them. Your concerns are completely valid—your children’s well-being comes first. If his family is emotionally distant or unsupportive, this may have influenced your husband’s own emotional struggles.

When addressing this with them, again, focus on your feelings rather than blaming them:

“I don’t feel comfortable leaving my kids alone because they are still young and need me. I would love for them to have a relationship with you—how can we make this work? Would you prefer to visit our home, or should we find another solution?”

Offer options to keep the conversation open while staying firm on what you think is good for your kids. 

6. Moving Forward

Ultimately, you must ask yourself: What do I need to feel happy, respected, and at peace? If your husband is unwilling to change, then you need to decide whether this marriage is sustainable for your emotional and spiritual well-being. Your patience is admirable, but Islam does not require a woman to endure neglect and disrespect.

I encourage you to seek emotional support—whether through trusted friends, family, or a counselor. You deserve love, respect, and peace in your life, and it’s okay to prioritize your well-being.

May Allah guide you to what is best for you and grant you strength in this difficult time. Ameen.

Question 5. Negativity

Assalamualaikum. I am always having negativity around me. Like my family became poor suddenly. My relatives are accusing me without my fault for small things. I got a job but I got out of it in only 11 days. Also my family was trying to find a groom for me but often when I choose any guy either he is married already or has a girlfriend. Please kindly tell me if there’s something. Also if I should do anything now.

Wa Alaikum Assalam, dear sister,

Thank you for sharing your struggles. It sounds like you’re facing a lot of negativity—your family’s financial difficulties, false accusations, challenges in keeping a job, and difficulties finding a suitable groom. When life throws multiple hardships at us all at once, it can feel overwhelming, and I completely understand how you’re feeling.

1. Shifting Your Perspective

One of the most powerful things you can do in difficult times is to change the way you view your challenges. It’s easy to see hardships as pure misfortune, but what if they are actually opportunities in disguise? Every trial carries a lesson, a hidden blessing, or a chance to grow closer to Allah.

For example, if a potential groom turns out to be married or unavailable, it simply means he was never meant to be your husband. Allah, in His wisdom, protects us from what is not good for us—even when we don’t immediately understand why. Similarly, when people falsely accuse you of things, it is a reminder that injustice exists in this world, and part of your growth is learning how to navigate it without letting it damage our self-worth.

2. Controlling What You Can

There will always be things outside our control—what others say, how they behave, and the trials we face. But what is in our control is how we respond. Instead of taking others’ negativity personally, remind yourself that their actions are often a reflection of their own struggles, not a judgment of your worth.

Focus on maintaining your own respect, kindness, and emotional balance. When accused unfairly, calmly address misunderstandings if possible—but if people insist on being unjust, recognize that their opinions do not define you. Your value comes from Allah, not from people’s approval.

3. Recognizing the Blessings You Already Have

When life feels unfair, we tend to notice only the negative and overlook the good. This is called “mental filtering”—focusing so much on what is missing that we fail to appreciate what we do have. But contentment and happiness come from training our hearts to see blessings, even in small things.

I encourage you to try this simple gratitude exercise for the next two to three weeks:

Every day, write down three positive things you notice—they can be small, like a kind smile, a meaningful conversation, or even a peaceful moment under the sky. Seek also at least one opportunity a day to be the source of goodness – with a small, but good deed.

Write down one or two things you feel grateful for—this could be your health, your faith, a supportive friend, or even just waking up to a new day.

Express gratitude to Allah daily—thanking Him for what you do have will help shift your focus away from what you feel is missing.

With time, this practice can transform how you see your life. True happiness is not about having everything we want, but about appreciating everything we have.

May Allah make things easier for you, guide you to what is best, and fill your heart with peace. Ameen.

Question 6. Forgiveness

I have sinned. I’ve sincerely asked for Allah’s forgiveness but I feel I’m not pure anymore . That makes me anxious and depressed . I’ve stopped socializing . There’s a burden on my chest which doesn’t go away . 

Also , if I ask Allah to keep my sin a secret . Would he accept my dua ?

Assalamu alaykom, sister

Thank you for your question.
You mentioned that you’ve sinned and sincerely asked for forgivenes, but still feel like you’re no longer pure—and that this feeling causes you anxiety and depression, to the point where you’ve withdrawn from socializing and feel a heavy burden on your chest. Sister, may Allah forgive you.

You have to understand that all of us sin, and in Islam, as long as we are alive, there is always a chance for us to repair ourselves. That is the power and mercy of repentance (tawbah) and forgiveness. According to the Qur’an, if repentance is sincere and fulfills its conditions, Allah accepts it.

He has said multiple times in the Qur’an that He is Al-Ghafoor (The Most Forgiving), and that He forgives all sins. Even when the sin is serious, the door of repentance remains open, especially when we turn away from it, regret it, and try to follow it with good deeds.

So, it’s not just a possibility—it’s a promise. And you have to believe that if you believe in sin, then you must also believe in forgiveness. If you believe that Allah sees everything, then also believe that He sees your repentance, your pain, and your sincerity.

I know sometimes it’s hard to feel that, even when we know it in our minds. But truly, Islam is not a religion that should leave you feeling hopeless after you’ve made sincere steps to change.

It might be that what’s hurting now is not that Allah hasn’t forgiven you, but that you haven’t forgiven yourself. That’s a different kind of struggle—one that has to do with expectations you’ve had about yourself, or difficulty accepting your own human mistakes.

Please be kind to yourself. Just like you would comfort someone else in your situation, you deserve that same comfort. You deserve your own compassion. We all do things we later regret, and that’s part of being human. But we also grow and heal—and you are allowed to.

As for feeling “impure”, I think this might be more about how we interpret certain acts rather than something our religion actually teaches. In Islam, yes, our hearts can become sick and heavy with sin—but through sincere repentance, remembrance of Allah, and good deeds, our hearts can be cleaned again. The sin does not permanently stain us.

If this feeling is tied to a specific sin—maybe related to something sexual—please remember that while some people associate those acts with shame and impurity, Islam is different. Sexual sin doesn’t mean you’re not pure anymore. That is a human, cultural association, not an Islamic one.

You also asked Allah to keep your sins secret. He covers faults—and He loves to conceal what is sincerely repented. I pray that He accepts your du‘a, and covers you with His mercy and protection, always.

Sister, I can’t say for sure what Allah will do—no one can. What I can say is that you need to trust Him. Trust Him with your past, your present, and your future. Try not to stay stuck in what you can’t change. Instead, move forward. Have hope in His promise.

You are forgiven, in shaa Allah. Live with that hope. Focus on doing good, helping others, and filling your heart with love and trust in your Allah.

May Allah make it easy for you, fill your heart with peace, and reward your sincerity. Ameen.