Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Please find the 8 questions to which our counselor provided audio answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Question 1. Life-Long Abuse: How Can I Move Forward?

Assalamu Alaikum. I am a young Muslim early 20’s who has grown up with mentally emotionally abusive narcissistic parents, a sibling. It’s been a lifetime of abuse. I am trying my best to recover but they keep blaming me for my health problems and are extremely unsupportive. whatever I do its never good for them, even if I do what they say they change their words the very next minute or deny they ever suggested that. Everybody from doctors, Muslim scholars, Muslim therapists, counsellors have told me either to run away before or leave home as it was extremely bad. Even now professionals have told me to leave as they fear for my future that I won’t be able to reach my full potential living at home due to all the barriers. Theres occasional mental abuse that happens it’s not as bad as before but affects me intensely. Have other people lived in these circumstances and grown before is it possible? I just want to run away most times & start fresh but I think with my age it’s too late & will be too hard to start from scratch. I wish someone intervened when I was younger as a child even though I told them I’m scared what the outcome would be. What’s your advice. How can I improve and move forward in a situation like this.

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Question 2. Checking Partner’s Phone

I am a 24 years old woman. I had a relationship in past, we were supposed to get married. I trusted that person, but he cheated on me. He didn’t leave me, but he was sexually attracted to other girls, he used to reach out to women virtually. That sudden break of trust left me paranoid. My father did the same thing with my mother. Moreover, whenever we go to social media, we see a lot of man doing the same thing despite having wife, even child. Currently, I am with a good man, I assume. We will be married after 5 months, InShaAllah.

He prays, but he is not THE Perfect one, he had his flaws in past, BUT HE IS TRYING TO GET BETTER. HE gave me his access of socials. The thing is I am such a woman I can’t even accept my partner replying a female, even as a friend. I don’t do this either. I know he won’t leave me, but I don’t want him even to give a bit of attention some other female. Now maybe due to my PTSD, I have this constant fear that something wrong is happening behind my back, I have this intense urge to check his phone & socials when we are apart. And whenever I think of checking I face severe anxiety in a fear that if I check probably, I will see something wrong. Yes, I have talked about this fear with my partner. No what’s the solution? Should I check his phone on a regular basis?

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Question 3. Husband Is Too Impressed by His Female Coworker

Assalamualikum

My husband started working at a new place and there’s this coworker that he is really impressed from. He started talking about his co-worker of how hard working she is and that she’s my friend and we’re so much alike.  Then slowly he started talking about marrying her. She has a daughter from her previous relationship. She’s also half his age and younger than me as well.

At first, I brushed it off like all men are like that but then slowly he would be just talking about her all the time. I started asking about this female friend. Even he would say in-front of the kids like I found a female friend, and I’m gonna go on a date with her and maybe I’ll marry her. I asked him about this and he’s like he’s serious. He wants to marry her.

She found the love of his life after 18 years. Also, she wants to marry me too according to him (although they didn’t have any real conversation about marriage, nor did he propose her but I don’t know how he is sure that she is interested in him as well). He said she gave him hints. He told me he’ll think about it and do isthikhara. It’s such a big decision to do a second marriage.

It hurts me soo much that I’m raising kids all by myself and he has the time and energy for another wife. He doesn’t help me out at all with the kids yet he’s so interested in marrying a woman with one child. They message each other almost every other day, though it’s mostly about work but still it’s so painful. It all started almost 2 months ago and now he’s telling me that it’s hard to do a second marriage, I can’t leave you and the kids. How I marry another woman but still he like take food for her, coffee or something for her from outside for lunch and it so badly hurts me.

 I’m so mad at this man. I don’t know what I am gonna do. I don’t know if I’m being a nagging wife or if what I’m asking is appropriate. I don’t like him taking food for her. I actually don’t know what I am mad about. He’s constantly praising her and which makes me mad. I don’t know where to find the balance.

Our relationship had ups and downs and we had a big gap in between, mostly because I’m busy with kids, running after them and he doesn’t help at all. He’s busy with work and after that he goes to gym or just on his phone. When I ask him to help me, he does which makes me mad at him and honestly, I’ve so much resentment towards him. I know he works hard and he works a long day but I’m not sitting at home just watching tv. I’m looking after kids which makes me exhausted and frustrated.

I feel like I have lost faith in Allah. Whenever I’m struck with a calamity, I think negatively rather than asking Allah for help. I feel like I can do it all by myself but I’m wrong.

Please help me. I feel like I’m gonna lose my mind. Should I just leave my husband and befriend with that coworker and just go on with my day or is there something I should worry about??  I don’t want to end this marriage but I feel like I might go for it if he goes for second marriage or if this kind of closeness continues.

Jazakllah khair.

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Question 4. How Can I Fight My Nafs?

My question is that my nafs bothers me a lot and I am not strong enough to fight it. What can I do?

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Question 5.  Dealing with My Husband‘s Depression

I married a revert 6 years ago from and we have a daughter of 4.5 years old. He was all good and practicing for a few years. Then we went into huge financial loss and debt and started to get into depression, he also come from a broken family. He is very responsible as a father and husband but he says weird things, he never says he doesn’t believe in Allah and His Messenger (saw) but he doesn’t pray and doesn’t like rituals. What should I do?

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Question 6. Should I Divorce After 20 Years of Trying to Make It Work?

I have been married for 20 years I had an arranged marriage at the age of 16 to one of my distant relatives. I was happy at the beginning but when I brought him over here 3 years later, I was not happy we would argue and I realized he doesn’t understand me and what I want. By this time, we had a daughter, so I tried to carry on for the sake of my daughter. I did voice my concerns to my mother who didn’t do anything or ask me why. Anyway, fast forward 3 more kids later and I’m here stuck in this marriage, we argue of petty things sometimes, basically he just annoys me now his presence annoys me and I’m beginning to despise him. He says he loves me but he’ll say things that he knows will upset me. He is also constantly looking to help his siblings and their children back home. Trying to get then over here and he never discusses this with me. I’m stuck for my children my eldest is 18 now and my youngest is 1, I don’t know what to do. I care about him but I’m not in love with him anymore. I have tried to make it work I’ve tried to fall back in love with him but I can’t this time too much has happened too many things have been said, and I hate him now. I can’t speak to my family about it, cos my mum hates him and that’s another story all together.

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Question 7. Shy and Scared to Accept Marriage Proposals

I am someone who is willing to get married, but when I get a marriage proposal, I begin to doubt if they will really like me for who I am because most men of where I live do not marry for the Islamic purpose but rather for their satisfaction, that is why many marriages here do not last.
I am 26 years and I have never had a boyfriend.
If I am approached for the purpose of relationship or marriage, I would begin to look for fault in the person to discourage me and will lastly decline without even giving it a try and later on would start feeling regretful as to why I didn’t even try.
I am really scared as I am approaching 30 and all my friends are married and also, it’s long since I received a proposal. And also, even if I do in the future, I am afraid I might decline.
I know marriage is an important sunnah of the Prophet, I would like to complete it and really want to get married before I clock 30. But the shyness, self-doubt within me that my spouse might not be satisfied with me both physically and mentally, and also the happenings I see in marriages around me nowadays scare me a lot.
Please I need some guidance on how to tackle these issues.

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Question 8. Worried About My Mother Remarrying to a Controlling Man

My mom has been single for a very long time.

She’s known one of her former co-workers for a very long time. And I know they’re thinking about getting married in the future. I’ve only recently found out after I confronted her about their “relationship”. Meaning it’s not a topic we really talk about. But I’ve met him a couple of times before due to certain circumstances.

However a few days ago, I’ve overheard their phone call since my mother and him were fighting. From what I’ve heard it seems he has compared her to other women (in a disrespectful manner). He also makes her feel guilty by saying she isn’t grateful for what he has done for her. Although I’m very sure that isn’t true. My mother is very modest and grateful. She seemed to be hurt by his words/comments. I don’t want to say this but isn’t he manipulating her?

He also appears to be very controlling, commenting on what she buys (e.g., saying she goes grocery shopping too often or wanting to see her amazon cart). I could understand it if they were married and lived together but it’s her own money and responsibility.

He also tries to control my mom’s and my relationship. Saying I should do this and shouldn’t do that (e.g., saying I should address her in a certain way). Although he doesn’t have any authority over me. But my mom wants me to address her in that certain way when he’s around. It seems she’s walking on egg shells around him and can’t express herself freely/wants to avoid conflict.
He also wants to be right all the time (the direct translation for the word I mean is bossy).

I’m sure these aren’t the only topics they argue about. Most of their phone calls end up in them fighting. She does confront him about his behavior but I don’t think he’s bettering himself and she just forgives him after a while.

I feel uncomfortable by this behavior. I don’t hate him but I don’t think he’s treating my mom the way she deserves to be treated.

I’m not sure how to talk to my mom about this topic. I want to protect her from an “abusive/controlling” marriage but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. And be the reason she stays single. She said that she isn’t sure if she really is going to marry him but she seems to be attached to him anyway. I don’t want her to go through a difficult time.

Furthermore, it’s very likely that they would be having children if they were to get married. I’m worried that their conflicts aren’t going to stop in the future and that their children would suffer from it. I’m almost an adult and if I were to move in with them, I would be able to out if their arguments would start to be too much for me to handle. The children wouldn’t be able to. It’s a responsibility I’m not sure they’re really thinking about. I’m not even sure if they notice how much they argue.

Please help me on how to talk to my mother about this! I want her to know that I’m just worried about her. I also don’t want neither of them to waste their time when they aren’t going to get married anyways.
Should I talk to her or should I let her make her own choices?
Thank you very very much!

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