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Young Love, Marital Life, Depression (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
19 October, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Monday, Oct. 22, 2018 | 13:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamu alaykum. I need an advice or tips in order to solve my wonderings regarding financial barakah in my life. Although my job is halal and I'm paying zakat, giving sadaqah, reading and reciting Quran, doing daily adkhar, taking care of my incomes and outcomes, and of course not missing salaat, somehow, every month I have some losses I never planned to have. And in the end, I end up with 0. It seems I have a problem with baraqah and I don't know why.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

In this case, it would seem that you should begin by looking at why you don’t believe there is any barakah in your finances. Alhamdulillah, you have a job and you pay your zakat and sadaqah. In this alone there is barakah. It may not be the type of barakah that you feel in this life, but it will be counted amongst your good deeds on the day of judgment. So, as you can see, in this alone there is great barakah. Alhamdulillah, you also complete all your obligatory deeds and more and again this will also count in your favor on the day of judgment. Just because you do not feel the blessing now, ot does not mean that you never will. Allah will not let all these good deeds go wasted and you need to have faith His Mercy and Justice to be confident in this.

 

Also, ask yourself if having 0 at the end of the month is a bad thing? If you have been able to do all you need and want to, is it such a bad thing?

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There are another couple of things you can do both psychologically and practically to ease this situation.

 

Firstly, try and focus on the positive things you have in your life rather than the negative. Alhamdulillah, you have a job. Many strive to even get this far. Of those who do, not everyone can even afford to give in sadaqah as you do. You also have the physical and practical capacity to even get to work in the first place,  when many do not due to disabilities for example.

 

On a more practical level, write down all your incoming and outgoings and see where it is that you seem to be loosing out. Perhaps you are spending extravagantly on something, or there are some things that you unnecessarily spend on each month. Look to the least necessary thing and try and eliminate it and see how life fares without it. If you use expensive brands, try switching cheaper ones, do things to cut the cost of living such as walking instead of driving where possible and reducing electricity and gas use within the house.

 

May Allah continue to shower you with his blessings and keep you on the straight path.

 

I was scared of getting married, but 2 months ago I got married. I am afraid to have sexual relations with my wife. I am scared she may divorce me or tell everybody that I have a 3-inch small penis. I am so worried about the situation of getting into a sexual relationship with her. I am praying a lot but not getting answers at all whether I should have sex with my wife or not as she is not that much reliable. Please help!



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

When you selected your spouse or had her selected for you I imagine you will have looked at many of her traits and her of you. Since you proceeded with the marriage it is likely that you both found many positive things in each other.

 

Of course, your situation is making you anxious about having intercourse with her, but there is more to a marriage than this. Instead of focusing on this thing that is making you anxious, try focusing on the positive things that are not related to it.

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Develop a close relationship with her so that you do not need to fear the physical aspect anymore as this act is done out of love and to increase the bond more than anything else.

 

It seems like this issue is taking over so by focusing on other more important things your mind will be taken off it. As you become more relaxed concentrating on other things, your attention will be taken off it and it will become less of an issue to you and make it easier for you to approach your wife. This will be further made easier once you have developed a close bond with your wide also.

 

Take the pressure off this single issue and focus on nurturing other things, like love in the relationship by doing things together as well as doing other things outside of this that make you feel good about yourself. This will boost your confidence generally as you come to feel more confident in yourself as a person without the worry of physical traits like the presenting issue here.

 

Try not to place to much pressure on yourself regarding this single thing as this will only make it harder as time passes. The more time you spend worrying about it, the more difficult it will become. Instead, focus this attention on other things. Use this energy to do things so that you do not waste your time as you have stated. This feeling of wasting time will only add to your psychological burden and make you not feel good about yourself only exacerbating the current feelings you have about your physical difficulty. Instead of using your time well doing useful things will counter these negative thoughts you have about yourself and how you spend your time and services to increase your confidence which will spill over into other aspects of your life.

 

May Allah bring you happiness and contentment in your marriage and make you and your wife the coolness of each other’s eyes.

Recently, I know a man who would like to get to know me and my family for the purpose of marriage. His family and my mom have agreed to this arrangement, but my dad did not give his answer yet. He wanted to wait and see. I have done istikhara daily for more than 1 month now and so far I feel I am very calm and not scared of stepping up further in this relationship. My mom told my dad about my istikhara prayer, but he didn't really want to listen to that. Do I have to listen to my dad's opinion or do I have to listen to my heart?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister

 

Alhamdulillah, you have approached this situation in the best way by beginning a potential relationship in the correct way through the family rather than being alone together and so far your mum has approved this. You have done another good thing in making istikhara to guide you to make the best decision. It seems like you are content and happy to move on, but as yet your dad is unresponsive which is what is causing you unease you are feeling that you would like to pursue this marriage, but are not sure about doing so without your father’s blessings.

 

Of course, it would make thing a lot easier if he agreed also, especially as he is your wall of which it is a condition to have to get married. Ideally, your father would be the one to film this role, however, should you wish to pursue the marriage then it is possible to seek an alternate mahram male to fulfill this role. However, understand the this may cause serious difficulties in the family and may even cause discord between him and your mum.

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Do continue to make istikhara and Allah will continue to guide you. As you do this take some time to seriously consider the opinions. You could go ahead with the marriage, but considering you would have to have gone against your father’s when this may cause difficulties between the family. However, you could choose to take your dad’s reluctance ss a sign that perhaps the marriage is not meant to be. Either way, consider your options and their consequences. Also, consider which would be more pleasing to Him.

 

Whilst doing this, you can also think about why your father may be behaving like this. Seeing things from his perspective will help you to understand his own feelings also which will make it easier for you to deal with him. Remember that if your father accepts this man, then he will be letting you go to him. He may fear how much he can trust this man to take care of his daughter as he had done all this while. He may fear that this man cannot do a satisfactory job.

 

Letting go of a child that they have cared for all their life is not easy for a parent to do so try to consider this and be sensitive to his feelings when dealing with this matter. Keeping this in mind will make it easier for you to approach him to discuss the matter further. You might even invite him to meet the man and the other family himself to bring him ease and comfort by being more aware of what he is potentially releasing his daughter too. Making him a part of the process will be more likely to yield positive results as he comes to realize just how serious you are about this proposal.

 

May Allah guide you to make the best decision that will be most pleasing to Him and may He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes.

I‘m a young 13-year-old Muslim girl. I like a guy. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared that he likes me as well and I will have to reject him. On one side, I really like this guy and I would love to be with him, but on the other side, it’s against my religion. I‘m a terrified teenager that can’t hide her feelings. Please, I need advice. What should I do?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

What you are experiencing is quite normal for a girl of your age. As your hormones develop, you will find yourself having such feelings. Alhamdulillah, as a Muslim, you are aware of what you should and should not do with these feelings. To act upon these feelings and engage in a relationship with him would be haram and displeasing to Allah and you do not want to make Him angry with you.

 

Alhamdulillah, there are many things that you can do to save yourself from falling into sin.

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Firstly, do all you can to make sure you don’t end up in a scenario where you might act upon your feelings. So, avoid free mixing and instead opt for being around other girls. If it is a us that you be around other boys, avoid talking to them unnecessarily and being alone with them. Be sure that there are always other girls around.

 

Secondly, always keep Allah in mind in all that you do. Let this constant reminder serve to keep you away from haram for the sake of pleasing Him. You can do this by ensuring to remember Allah often. Conduct your prayers and also do the voluntary acts also. Pray nafs prayers, make dhikr and read Qur’an. All these build on the remembrance of Allah that you will keep Him in mind I all that you do. This will help you stay clear of those things that you know He will not judge favorably such as being with any other boy.

 

Finally, keep yourself busy with useful activities. Having too much spare time can easily lead you to do things that are not good. If you always have something to do, such as a hobby, not only will you not have the time to do such things, but you also don’t think about doing them as you are too busy with other things. These types of activities will also provide you with the chance to get motivated and achieve things and feel good about yourself. These are often motivations that push people to commit sin in the first place as a means to have these desires satisfied. If you take a proactive approach to have these needs met and find ways to do this yourself then you will be less inclined to search for these in haram ways such as seeking a boyfriend.

 

May Allah reward your concern to not commit haram and maybe guide you on the straight path ad you experience the wider world.

Salam, I am a 17-year-old girl and I have been having suicidal thoughts for a long time. I have been dealing with mental health issues due to my parents' fights. I have seen horrible horrible fights which were too intense and serious and have scarred me for life. I had no friends growing up and was bullied on a daily note. I was never the pretty one and until now I have not done anything I'm happy about. I used to love studying but now I can never focus. I feel very tired when I try doing some work like studying, even though I want to but I start feeling exhausted. I never get up from bed all day long and my parents make me feel the worst because I have no talents in anything, making me feel like a loser.

My mother always prefers my siblings and has never talked to me with love ever. I have tried to be close but i don't know how. I have no peace in my life. I am miserable. I have 1 good friend but I cannot rely on her forever. I have soo many other problems now which I can't stand i can't do anything. i cant smile anymore. I don't even laugh anymore. i want to be happy and energized and positive and i want to do good i used to pray 5 times a day but because of my phone and technology, i never focus on my religion anymore and i hate that. I want to ask Allah for forgiveness but i can never stop crying, all my days are feeling like such a burden every coming day is more difficult and i don't know what to do with myself.

i don't want to live anymore i don't want to fight anymore. i just want to be happy. i want to be normal. i want to be loved for once in my life. i want to be enough for my parents. they treat me soo badly and i just can't deal with my life anymore. My brain hurts now. it has gotten too much to handle for me now. i need help. i want to end it but i don't want to a bad Muslim. i just don't know how to live every day anymore. It's getting too difficult. It has been and now worse i have no one to talk to, no one to help, no one cares. Even if i tell them all this i just don't want to upset Allah by doing something forbidden i don't know what to do. Please help me tell me what to do?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

You sound very depressed and I would begin by urging you to seek counseling for this so you can receive ongoing treatment. This has been an issue that only seems to have gotten worse over time and it would be helpful for you to get this ongoing support to allow you to process everything and find alternative ways to move on successfully.

 

In the meantime, I can make some suggestions for you to consider and try to make things easier for now. For a start, it feels like you feel you are lacking a sense of purpose right now and are even having a problem connecting with Islam to find this in the religious sense, let alone in the worldly sense. So, you may begin by trying to rebuild your link with Allah and find a purpose for His sake. Remembering that from the Islamic perspective our purpose of life is to worship Allah. If we can find contentment with this purpose it will spill over to life more broadly and make life generally more happy and purposeful.

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To rebuild this connection again take baby steps beginning with the obligations and ensure you pray five times a day. Beyond this, try reading a bit of the Qur’an every day, making dua and seek guidance and contentment in His words. Even if it is just 5 minutes a day you begin with. With each day you can add more to this as you are able. As you progress you will find that certain ayats will even stand out to you and speak to your situation bringing you ease simply by reading His comforting words as we know as Allah says that hearts find ease with the remembrance of Allah. As your connection with Him strengthens the ease in your heart will also increase.

 

You might even consider making this an activity that you could do with other sisters by joining a local group where you can read with other sisters and free this connection with others also on top of building the link with Allah. This will give you the added social support that is crucial to recovery from psychological difficulties like those you have faced. If finding a local group in person is a problem, then you could even join an online group instead. You mentioned that the invention of mobile phones and the like can have negative effects, well, you can use them for positive also, Sony out could take this opportunity to use your phone and mobile internet for good; a chance to meet other sisters and interact for the sake of Allah. This will leave you feeling less guilty that you are doing things that are displeasing to Him whilst actually doing those that He likes. Furthermore, it will help you to build positive relations with good people that will support you in the straight path. This may also then open other opportunities, for example, to earn more and study more about the Deen and give you further sense of purpose.

 

These things can serve multiple purposes. Primarily they will strengthen your connection with Allah and help to renew that sense of ultimate purpose in life, but you can also use these activities to guide you and motivate you on a more personal level. For example, you may set targets in your reading, to say memorize a certain amount of ayat in a certain amount of time. Creating achievable goals for yourself can provide you with the personal motivation to push in and achieve these goals. This can be a very useful way to induce a sense of achievement which not only provides motivation to continue to improve but evokes the sense of happiness and contentment that is experienced with every new achievement.

 

Beyond this, you can also do the same with other non-Islamic tasks also. For example, having a hobby and doing something you enjoy will give you the chance to meet with other like-minded people that you share something I common with, but it also provides you with the opportunity to achieve new things as you progress in the field and reach and succeed in new targets.

 

These things will generally improve your wellbeing which will ultimately have the knock-on effect with other things. As your psychological well-being improves as you begin to experience a sense of purpose again, you will be better equipped psychologically to deal with other things you may face in the family home for example ad you feel more  content with who you are in the knowledge that you are striving to ultimately please Him, but also you are achieving things yourself and these things mean even me than striving to please others as you become content with who you are.

 

May Allah guide you and ease your affairs.