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Ask the Psychologist (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
05 February, 2018

Salamu ‘alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

The answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]

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Monday, Feb. 05, 2018 | 10:30 - 11:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Asalamu Alaykum. I am a revert, its been seven years now since I accepted Islam. While I was still a Christian, since I started getting older, I decided not to engage in any premarital affairs though I have had boyfriends but I didn't engage in sex with them. Recently, I fell in love with a Muslim guy and we have been committing Zina and whenever we commit the act, we both feel guilty of our actions. However, he said we should make our relationship halal and I should discuss about him to my mother but as a revert, after what I passed through when I accepted Islam at first, my parents were against it but since I got admission into the university, have been practicing it. But the only problem is this Zina am committing, I feel guilty all the time. I told my boyfriend if he can wait for me to finish my education because I still have two years to go and by then I would have gained my freedom and my family will have no other choice but to respect my decisions, he said no that I should make an attempt this year and discuss it with my mother because he is getting older (he is 28 and am 23) and can't wait for another two years, he's worried that I might find someone better than him. Pls, how can I approach my mother? Besides, I love this guy very much and have tried leaving him but it's not working. Am worried, if I shud leave him, will I get someone to love me despite my past, will I be able to hold d pain, forget and move on.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Alhamdulilah that Allah guided you to the path of Islam. In sha Allah, your sins prior to your reversion have been forgiven. Unfortunately, however, you have fallen into the trap of zina and the consequences of it. You would prefer to finish your education first as per your parents’ desires before marrying, however, the man that you wish to marry says you should marry now.

 

There are arguments for and against this that you need to consider in making your decision. Firstly the fact that you have continually committed zina with this man is not a good start to a marriage and before you make any decision you should repent to Allah for this. You have known it is wrong as you feel bad afterward, which is a good thing as it means that you know in your heart that it is not ok. Whatever choice you make whether you chose to marry him or not is to cut any haram contact with him as this will only influence your ability to make any rational decision as your mind will be clouded by any feelings that you have developed towards this man over time. Allah loves to forgive and will guide you rightly if only you turn to Him. With this, you can also make istikhara that He will guide you to make the best decision that will be most pleasing to Him and best for you. This will only be best achieved if you cut contact with this man to avoid any clouded judgment. Although, do also be aware that any feelings that you have may make it difficult to be guided to the best decision, which is why you should seek sincere repentance first.

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The man you wish to marry is correct that if you do indeed chose to marry him that it is best that you do so sooner rather than later for the protection of you both falling into any more zina and committing further sin. However, it is understandable why this is difficult as culturally it is felt that it necessary for you to complete your studies first. Islamically, it is not required for you to finish your education first,  but at the same time, if you rely on your families support during this time, then perhaps marrying at this time will be difficult. But, maybe this could be a good thing. If this marriage is not meant to be and there is no way that you could possibly pursue it at this time then this might be what is best for you. If once your study is complete and you are both still available, then maybe you are meant to be, but Allah knows best. However, do be aware, that during this time, you should refrain from any type of haram contact with this man to avoid further zina with him. Also, be aware that during this time, neither of you are committed to one another and therefore have every right to marry someone else and this is a risk that will come with waiting to marry after you complete your studies.

 

We know that marriage is a protection from so many things, such as zina, as you know and will protect you from this sin, but this can be achieved through marriage to anyone, not just this man, keeping in mind the circumstances under which you have developed these feelings in the first place.

 

Certainly, begin with asking for forgiveness and making istikhara and surely Allah will guide you aright, whether that be now or in 2 years time, and to him or someone else. But, during this time, do try your best to avoid committing further sin by staying close to Allah and avoiding situations where you might commit sin. So, for example, avoid free mixing and talking to other men without a mahram present. This will help to purify yourself and your intentions and put you in a better place to make a decision that would be better for you and most pleasing to Allah.

 

May Allah guide you on the straight path and grant you a good spouse when the time is right that will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

 

I am a 21 year old female who is in a relationship with a non Muslim male. My mother is very i please about my relations with him and tells me howmuch of a disappointment I am to her how much I am disrespecting her and defying her. I do understand that religion is a huge factor in our lives and I personally feel that my mother can be more accepting she is currently not speaking to me she gets really vulgar and upset when the topic of him comes up I would like to add they he is aware of the Islamic Faith and wants to learn more and eventually revert to Islam however my mothers attitude towards him makes him despondent I know that in Islam Jannah lies at the feet of your mother but surely being a mother teaches you to support your children in every decision they do I need help in making her realize how important this isn’t to me and how I would not do anything to jeopardize my family or my religion I am really frustrated as I feel as of my happiness means nothing to her.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is very difficult when one’s parents do not approve of a choice of spouse. In an ideal world, parents will love a child’s spouse like their own child, but there are many times when this is not the case. This makes things difficult for all parties. It seems that this is the case for you and is making things very difficult for you. Of course, as your mother, you respect her and understand the importance of this from an Islamic perspective, but at the same time, you feel that she is showing you a great disrespect by not accepting your spouse.  You feel obliged to her, but also to your husband too and this makes things especially stressful for you in this scenario.

 

In this kind of situation, a useful thing to do to begin with is to try and take a look at things from her perspective. As your mother, she will always want what’s best for you. Unfortunately, in many cases, parents will set standards so unattainable high for their children that no spouse that they find will ever be good enough and this will cause difficulties. Also, keep in mind, that until you got married, you were dependent on her to meet your needs. Once you got married, you no longer solely relied on her as you now have a spouse who you can turn to meet, for example, your emotional needs. This can be difficult for parents to adjust to and can often take some time. Understand, that this might then make her experience some feelings of resentment towards your spouse as he has now taken over this role that she once had. Also understand that it may be that she is fearing that your husband may not revert to Islam and therefore any children you may bear in the future if he does not, will take on his religion which will lead your family away from the path of Islam. This could also be a big concern for her too especially considering that Islamically a Muslim woman is not permitted to marry a non-Muslim man for this very reason. This may be making her feel like a failure as a mother. Whilst these things don’t make her behavior towards you acceptable, it might help you to understand why she is behaving this way and ease the burden on you emotionally.

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As the person who is the link between your spouse and your mother, you could use this position to your advantage  (as well as everyone else) and try to encourage good relations between them. Perhaps they have not known each other for long and so your mother has not had a chance to get to know him in the way you do and therefore is not able to see the good in him as you do. Therefore, you could arrange something where you will all get together in a positive environment. This could be as simple as inviting her round for dinner and stimulate healthy discussion between your mother and him. If she is given this chance to get to know him like you do and talk to him herself, rather than hearing about him through you then she will be given the opportunity to develop a fondness towards him that she doesn’t currently have. This way, she will be able to see first hand how he feels towards Islam and this may give her peace of mind and settle her feelings towards him.

 

May Allah guide your husband to the path of Islam and soften your mother’s heart towards him. May He bring peace and happiness in your family between both you and your spouse and your mother.

I was in polygamy already and my husband wanted to marry till have 4 wives... in a few months ago his wife divorced him. he has 3 wives before and I was the 3rd wife and make him now has 2 wives now include me.. I found he has 2 candidates wives and his 2nd wife knew everything .. and I got news in last suddenly they will marry soon. My question is 1. Did allow He talks so free with his fiancee so free (so romantic chat by accidentally found their chat from both of them) and make him no time in his visit me .. I remind him .. they are not his wife yet is better talk in the group. I want my husband get sins because he makes me increase my iman.. but if he did like that (say love and other words romantic) 2. What about he wants to marry again if one of us divorce him cos he still wants have 4 wives whatever happen in future will do same things even his age not young again. Sound like his obsession. I love him and am afraid his obsession to make him fall in wrong thought in polygamy. I need to know about polygamy fiqih .. from hadist and Quran ..May Allah guide all of us in good deeds Aamiin.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Polygamy always causes many debates for a number of reasons. Polygamy is permissible and this is made very clear. However, there are rulings in how it must be conducted that often aren’t adhered to, namely that all wives must be treated fairly and if he cannot do so, then he should marry only 1. The problem with this though is that a woman’s jealousy can often lead her to feel like she is not been treated fairly and is perhaps being treated less than the other co-wives. For polygamy to be successful for all parties, therefore, it is important for the man to treat women justly, and for the women not to get jealous. This is a difficult task for all parties involved and therefore the choice to enter a polygamous relationship, for both the husband and wife (s) is a very important one.

 

In order for it to work successfully for all parties, the most important thing is to fear Allah. If all parties fear Allah, then the man will be sure to treat his wives justly and the women will not get jealous for the sake of pleasing Allah.

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You are correct that he should not be talking with potential new wives without her mahram present. The conversation between them should not happen alone, however, this other party does not have to be you. Perhaps he feels that you might feel hurt or uncomfortable if you were present during their meeting and is refraining from this due to caring for your emotions. Furthermore, he does not have to inform you if he is going to marry again. Although you feel that you would prefer to know, knowing the often jealous nature of women he might feel reluctant to do so. However, understandably, you also want to look out for his best interests and make sure that he doesn’t fall into haram by having haram relations with other women as he seeks out another spouse. You are right to be concerned by this if you fear he is not conducting himself properly according to Islamic values.

 

It would be interesting to understand his desire to have all the 4 wives that he is permitted to have. That is a discussion that you could have with him to establish that his intentions are pure and for the sake of Allah, but this could also be a discussion that might cause discord between the 2 of you so would obviously come at a cost. This is something that you would need to consider very carefully, amongst the potential consequences. Keep in mind that perhaps this would bring you peace of mind, but ask yourself if it necessary for you to know. You knowingly entered a polygamous relationship and so are aware of the potential difficulties that you could face, so do consider if it would make things easier for your marriage if you discussed such things? Perhaps it might bring you closer, but it also might place a wedge between you as he may feel you are questioning his motives. However, whatever decision you make, you can continue to be a good role model to him by encouraging him to follow the right path and pray that he will act in a way that will please Allah.

 

May Allah guide you and your husband and bring you happiness and contentment in your marriage in this life and the next.

Asalamo Alaykom, I'm being put in a very hard situation. To start off me and my husband have been married for a year, I'm being put in a difficult situation when it comes to my inlaws. 7 months before we got married my now husband decided to move out of his parents house during to the fights they always make with him as well as the treatment they give him. They always think I'm controlling him (I'm truthfully not) they tell him things such as " you're not a man, you're a puppet to you're wife, you're being controlled by a little girl" etc. which of course hurt his feelings causing him to always be in a bad mood when he's around me. My mother in law has a problem with herself, she expects all her kids to be perfect... if my husband doesn't agree with something she says then she will flip and cause a huge argument and always ends up blaming me. She then gets her husband ( my father in law) to also flip on my husband and begin cussing at him and cursing him ( wishing god never forgives him) aka gadab. She used to always tell me to dress a certain way, always tried to tell me to wear a head scarf, she always gets very angry and causes a scene when i post photos of my husband & I on social media. She acts like she likes me when i very clearly know she doesn't, and that doesn't bother me at all but for my husbands sake I try my best to make him happy and just deal with it. She's always putting my husband down and in a bad mood because of the words she says, she's always calling him and yelling at him for things people say about us, she tells him that everyone says he shows off? My husband is a CEO of a big company and so in her head she thinks he's very materialistic but he's not! He respects his mother so much and always calls her, but if he's busy at work and can't call her in the morning she goes crazy. He was busy yesterday and called him 3 times during work hours but he was with a customer and his phone was on silent, she literally came to our home to make sure nothing was going on? She knew it was work hours! I'm so sick of the things they say about me to him, they hate how he treats me so kindly. 2 years before we got married his mother forced him into an arranged marriage and he did it to make her happy, 40 days later he got into a divorce because he didn't love her, i fell as if his mother is a big problem. She just wants to control everyone. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It sure sounds like this situation is causing a lot of stress all around, for you, your husband and your in-laws. Unfortunately, your problem is not unique and many people face the same struggles with their in-laws. The thing that makes it especially difficult is that Islamically, it is important to respect them as elders and you want to have good relations with them, but at the same time, this can be incredibly difficult when your mother in law treats you so badly. There are however a number of things you can try to bring ease to the situation.

 

When experiencing seemingly rude and mean behavior from someone else, it can often be helpful to try and see things from their perspective. This does not excuse their behavior but will help you to feel less insulted and angry about this behavior and also less likely to respond irrationally. Often difficulties between spouses and in-laws can be a resolution of some kind of jealousy. Keep in mind that as his mother, she only wants what is best for her son. She will perhaps have unattainable expectations for her son and nothing will ever be good enough in her eyes. Up until he got married he was dependant on her, but once married she has seen that he can survive without her and now has a different woman in his life instead who can take care of the needs that she once provided for him, such as cooking for example. This can be difficult for mother in laws to let go of. Unfortunately, her feelings regarding this are being directed toward you, which is not ok, but if you can understand that this might be why she carries this attitude towards you, then it might make things emotionally easier for you, as well as making it easier for you to implement steps to improve relations.

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Firstly, we can take from Islamic wisdom and repel evil with that which is better. This can be as simple as ignoring the behavior and not allowing it to get to you. Fortunately, you don’t live in the same house so this can be easier than if you were in a situation where you lived with them. You could even take it to the next level by responding in kindness. This might seem like quite a strange thing to do when you feel so insulted by someone, but it can work wonders in turning their heart. Think about it this way, when someone behaves towards you with kindness, naturally you want to respond to them in kindness. So, with this in mind, responding to your mother in law kindly will make it very difficult for her to continue to behave in such a mean manner towards you. It may even soften her heart towards you, or least lead her to feel morally obliged to treat you well as you are treating her. Eventually, it might be that taking this approach actually leads to genuine good relations between you. Either way, if she knows that you will always respond kindly to her then she is less likely to look for disputes with you.

 

Continue to pray for your in-laws, that Allah will soften their hearts towards you and that relations will improve between you. Praying for them will also make it easier for you to endure current difficulties until they resolve.

 

Standing firm as a couple will also be useful in helping her to see that you are both serious and let her know that her words and actions will not destroy your marriage. This is something that you will obviously need to speak with your husband about. Assumingly,  he is aware of her behavior, but if he is also standing up for you respectfully at this time, she will come to understand that she cannot control your relationship.

 

May Allah soften their hearts and bring peace in relations between you, your husband and your in-laws.

Salam. please, how can I stop mood swings during iddah? And is this normal? I feel like am committing a sin if cry, isolate myself and not talking to people around me. Don't know what to do.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Going through the period of iddah brings with it many emotions, so having mood swings is a perfectly normal response. You are adjusting to a new way of life and this is tough. You are facing multiple changes which will affect you both physically and emotionally which will inevitably lead to mood swings. However, the good news is that these feelings will pass as you adjust. If you establish some adaptive coping mechanisms this will assist you in the process and there are a number of things you can do here.

 

It is important during this time that you take care of yourself physically and psychologically.

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Physically, when facing such stress it is common for people to neglect their physical health and not eat properly, neglect exercise and have impaired sleep patterns. So, the first thing to do is take a look at these things and ask yourself if you are taking care of these things. A good diet, getting enough exercise and having a healthy sleep pattern is all important in emotional recovery. Naturally, people who are not receiving sufficient nutrition or sleep will end up experiencing mood swings regardless of the situation they are in. In fact, this can even be the case when there is no stressor in someone’s life. Make sure to be following a balanced diet to ensure that your body is in a physically fit state.  To complement this, make sure that you are getting sufficient exercise. Certain hormones are released during exercise that boosts psychological well being too. These feel-good hormones that are released during exercise will work well for your psychological well-being also. Finally, when going through periods such as iddah, it is natural for sleep to be impacted as your mind becomes preoccupied with the stress. This then only exacerbates the feelings of stress due to sleep deprivation and becomes a difficult cycle to break free from. There are some things you can do to improve sleep hygiene. Avoiding caffeine for a couple of hours before bed, avoid using your phone/tablet/laptop before bed will also help your brain to wind down before bedtime. Instead, doing something relaxing in the hour before you sleep will help too. For example, taking a warm bath is a known way to reduce blood pressure as a means to aid sleep. Seep a regular bedtime routine so that your body becomes used to this and naturally allows you to sleep. It is recommended to sleep straight after Isha so this can be a good way to establish this routine. Furthermore, this will also place you in a good psychological state before going to bed which will further help with getting to sleep.

 

Regarding psychological self-care, there are also a number of things you can do to boost your wellbeing that will help with your mood swings also. Thinking positively can be a good place to start. You can tie this in with your bedtime routine also by contemplating the positives in your life before going to bed. Sometimes it can even help to write these things down to revisit during times when you are feeling particularly low. You can do this each night by writing down 3 positive things from your day. If you are struggling, think of the most simple things that are so easily taken for granted, like the fact you have your sight or hearing when there are so.many that don’t. Also, make sure to maintain a healthy social life. Often in iddah, it’s common to isolate oneself which only serves to exacerbate feelings and lead to mood swings. Therefore, make sure to take time out and spend time with your friends and family. This can be an opportunity to either be distracted from the difficulties that you are facing, or have someone you trust to talk to. You will be going through many emotions and talking them through with people you trust can be a useful path to healing. If you do not feel like talking to those close to you, then you could join a support group, either face to face or online. Here, you will be able to talk to and get advice from others who have been through the same. This will help you to break free from the feelings of loneliness that you might be experiencing now.

 

Most importantly, taking care of your spiritual health is a sure means to boost your mood in many ways. Seeking solace with Allah and continuing to pray to Him will bring you much comfort during this time, boosting both your physical and psychological well-being. Connecting with Allah through salat, supplication and reading the Qur’an will help to increase your God consciousness which will ultimately bring you ease by putting a positive perspective on what you are facing.

 

May Allah bring you ease during this difficult time and make it ease to you to feel comforted in His remembrance. May He give you the strength and patience to pull through successfully.

Dear Madam. Assalamu Alaikum, I am in love with a girl from 2014. Actually, she first proposed me and I okayed her because of her good character and she happens to be my cousin but she is a less practicing woman and promised me she will change. We were chatting on mobile from then. I am a graduate and jobless, after getting a job and settled, I wanted to ask her parents. In the mean, while some disturbances came between our families(not because of our love) and I and her had communication gap and after few months we again started chatting and this continued till 2016 end. Finally, in 2017 May, I got a job and was a bit busy with my job and there was not much communication with her. After 6 months, I again started to chat with her but the girl's behavior seemed peculiar like she used to say am not a suitable girl for you, you will find a good girl than me. But I really love her and want her to get married to me. A few months later, somehow I came to know that this girl was chatting with another boy just as a friend and this matter got disclosed at her home and rumors spread as usual and their family members severely warned her and this girl went into regret and such guilty feeling and that was the reason she began to say to me that ' I am not a good girl for you,"you will find the good girl for you". Now my question is I am convinced that girl did wrong by chatting with that boy and even the girl accepted her wrong and told nothing but out of friendship we had chatted.Now everything is clear to us after she gave me clarification and asked for forgiveness. I asked her to ask repentance from Allah. Now should I talk to her parents for her hand in marriage? Or better leave her and marry another girl? Am bit confused.. am also planning to do Istikhara. Please help.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

Selecting a spouse is certainly an important decision so it is perfectly normal to feel so anxious about whether to go ahead with this or not. You have been in touch for some time now on and off, and feel you are now in a position to marry now that you have e graduated and have a job. Unfortunately, however, it seems that in this waiting time she has been chatting for someone else, but she has apologized and still wishes to go ahead with the proposal, but you are confused die to her behavior.

 

You are absolutely correct that the best thing to do right now is to make istikhara. This will ensure that Allah will guide you to make the best decision. A decision that He will be pleased with and you will be content with too. During this period of making istikhara is recommended that you maintain your acts of worship and keep close to Allah. Also, make sure to seek refuge from Shaytan so that you don’t become misguided by any signs that you feel might come your way as a result of the istikhara. Keep in mind that the contact you have had with this woman up until now will have inevitably caused you to develop some kind of emotions for her so it’s important to be aware of how these feelings may affect the way you interpret the outcome. It is therefore also recommended that during this time you cease contact with her son has not to be so influenced by such feelings. Also make sure to seek repentance on your part also if it is that you were in Co tact with this woman in a haram way, without her mahram present.

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During this time, there are also some things that you can consider. Take some time to weigh up the pros and cons of marrying her, or marrying someone else. Think about the potential consequences of all these different options. On the one hand, this woman has shown a clear commitment to you and been honest and is prepared to change for the better, but at the same time, she has betrayed you to some extent. However, given that you were not married, she has never committed to you anyway so had every right to look elsewhere for a spouse. But, it looks like she sought a relationship in a haram way again,  which could be a reflection of bad character. The other options involve stepping away from this and finding someone else. This way, you can start afresh with someone new and make sure to find someone with good character, but this also involves almost going back to the start and getting to know someone else which takes time. If you are keen to get married quickly, then this might now be an option. Most importantly, which of these options will be most pleasing to Allah? These are all important things to take into consideration before making a decision. It is important to take time with this. You could even write these things down and continue to come back to them time and time again. It might be that you think of other things to add over time.

 

You are not yet committed to this woman, so there is also no harm in arranging a meeting with other ladies also to see who else is available to you. It might be that you find someone who is more suited to you.

 

All this while, continue with istikhara and Allah will guide your decisions along the way and eventually you will be in a strong position to make a good decision.

 

May Allah guide you and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.