Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,
We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.
We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.
Monday, Sep. 17, 2018 | 08:00 - 09:00 Makkah | 05:00 - 06:00 GMT
Session is over.
Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,
We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.
We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.
For one and a half year, I’ve been feeling that I hate my husband. I don’t love him. I used to love him more than anything. I do not know what’s happening to me. Please, I need help. Thank you!
As Salamu Alaykum sister,
Shokran for writing to our live session with your most important concern. As I understand your concerns, you used to love your husband very much, more than anything as you stated. However for the past year-and-a-half you feel that you hate your husband, and that you don’t love him.
Sorting out Confused Feelings
Sister I’m not sure how long you been married, or if there has been any changes in your marriage which would cause you to feel this way. I will kindly ask you insha’Allah, to evaluate deeply what you are feeling. Making a list and keeping a journal is a great way to sort out our feelings and try to make sense of them. Journaling and list making can often help in situations like this.
Journaling can help us make sense of our thoughts and put them in perspective. It can often lead to the uncovering of unconscious feelings, behaviors, incidences, and past trauma which we are unaware of. It could be that what you are feeling right now towards your husband has nothing to do with him per say, but may be link to something in your past. Try to write in your journal at least once a day. Re-read it often to self reflect on what your wrote. Make notes as needed.
I would kindly suggest sister that you make a list of all the nice attributes and qualities your husband has and all the nice things he has done for you and what you loved about him in the past. Make another list insha’Allah, of the reasons that you feel that you hate him and don’t love him anymore. Write down any little details such as the way he talks, maybe coming home late, a lack of passion, etc. Below the list regarding the negative feelings, I would ask you to write down why this would bother you. Some items may be obvious such as if he talks mean to you, that would obviously hurt your feelings. Some things may not be so obvious such as certain words he uses. Think about these things and see if you can connect them to anything in your past that has a negative connotation.
Also, examine your past sister for any history of abuse or trauma that maybe subconsciously contributing to your feelings for your husband. Often times we may feel one way about a person for no reason. We do not know why. However, if trauma has occurred in the past, little things about a person or their mannerisms may subconsciously remind us about something bad that happened to us before. We may not even realize this is happening. While this may not be the case for you sister, I did mention it to you so can rule out any interference from the past.
Expression & Healing
Moving forward, if there was no traumatic events in your past and this is currently just a feeling that you’ve developed for him, please do continue with the journaling and the lists in order to release and insha’Allah resolve what you are feeling. Be sure to notate any changes that have occurred in the household and between you and your husband and analyze it to determine if that could be a contributing factor for your feelings.
Write an expressive letter to him (but please, do NOT give it to him). In the letter tell him about all the things you once loved-and still love about him. In the letter talk about the past year, and how your feelings have changed and why you think they have changed. I know you stated you do not know why sister, but often times when we begin journaling and letter writing as self discovery, things do come to mind. When writing in your journal and the letter, just let your feelings flow onto the paper freely.
I would kindly suggest sister that insha’Allah you keep these journals, lists and letter in a place where he will not discover them for surely it would hurt him deeply. This is about you understanding what you are feeling and why-it is not about hurting your husband. If after a month of exploring your feelings sister without a resolve, I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you seek counseling from a therapist in your area. It could be that you are experiencing depression, a personality change or other mental health issue that may be causing you to feel this way. Abrupt changes in the way we feel for no apparent reason should be checked out by a professional if we cannot resolve our feelings ourselves. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.
I've been married for 4 years and I've decided to seek a divorce on the basis of emotional neglect. In books, and online, I've read that emotional neglect is an insidious form of abuse and that it's hardly detected until far in the marriage, just as my case.
However these are non-Muslim sources and I want to know if Allah allows men to treat women like this. Everyone talks of physical abuse and emotional/verbal abuse but no one says if neglect isn't allowed. I feel like I've been in this marriage by myself and the husband was just cruising by. He's made me feel so unimportant, uncared for, ignored, and just not prioritized at all. I'm always the last choice for him and he doesn't work on the marriage even after very clearly expressing my needs and wants from him over and over again, since the beginning of the marriage. I've been so patient, I've put everything on the side waiting for him to change, but it doesn't seem to work. I fell into a deep depression because of feeling so unimportant and being put last all the time.
I was much happier living with my family and following my dreams before I got married. Would it be wrong to get divorced and is emotional neglect allowed in Islam? Should women just allow emotional neglect just because we aren't physically getting beaten or verbally abused? Jazakallah kheir
as salamu alaykum sister,
Shokran for writing to our live session. I’m sorry to hear what you have been going through with your husband. Sometimes it is the most hurtful feeling in the world to feel uncared for, ignored, and not important- especially when it is caused by one’s spouse.
Marriage and Rights
You have every right sister to feel loved, cherished, important, and prioritized. That is what marriage is about. Marriage is an institution- a contractual agreement wherein two people get married and there is love, mercy, kindness, affection, comfort and protection within that marriage. Within these attributes of marriage, is emotional support, nurturing and concern. Neglect is not allowed in Islam. If we look at the life of our beloved Prophet (PBUH), we can see how he prioritized, cared for, and loved his wives. Muslim husbands should seek to treat their wives such as our Prophet (PHUH) treated his. There is no finer example then our Prophet Mohammad (PBUH).
With that said, as your husband does not seem to want to work on the marriage even though you have clearly expressed your needs and wants, perhaps it is time that you talk to him about consulting a marriage counselor and/or taking marriage classes at an Islamic Center or Masjid. It could be sister, that he truly does not understand what you need. It may appear that he is not prioritizing your needs when in fact he may not even understand your needs. He may feel he is being a good husband, when in fact he is not understanding how to make you happy, nor how to attend to your emotional needs. In all fairness you should give the marriage a chance by sitting down with your husband when things are calm, and telling him how much you love him and desire to save the marriage. You may want to insha’Allah point out that you have been unhappy for a while now and that you would like for you and him to take marriage classes at the Masjid or Islamic Center to improve your marriage.
Giving Marriage a Chance: Marriage Classes
Insha’Allah, you may explain to him that as you are both young there is still a lot to learn about marriage. As you have only been married for 4 years, it seems that there are certain things that he may not understand (as well as you) about the institution of marriage. If you approach him with an openness that you both could benefit, you may see positive results insha’Allah.
As you live in the US, I do know that there are many Masjids that offer not only premarital counseling classes but also marriage counseling classes as well. These could be a big benefit for you and your husband insha’Allah.
Sister, I kindly recommend giving him this chance. As Allah hates divorce, we do need to make every effort to try to save our marriage. Perhaps if you speak with him and explain that you are trying to save the marriage he will realize that has come to a point that you are thinking of divorce. This may Inspire him to want to try to change by learning more about an Islamic marriage and what is expected of him and of you.
Learning Each Other
Often times in marriage especially for the first couple of years the husband is concerned and immersed in his career and supporting the family. This can lead to neglect of the wife, although it is not intended. Please do sit down with your husband and talk to him about how you feel, stressing that you do love him. Indicate that it comes to a point where you are depressed and something needs to be done. Acknowledge that you would like to learn how to be a better wife as well. Often when we approach a problem with the idea that “we both need to learn” it is better received. If he agrees to go for marriage classes and/or marriage counseling alhumdulilah. If he does not agree to go sister, I kindly suggested that you start to resolve your situation by going to a counselor.
Seeing a counselor on a regular basis is needed for the depression you are experiencing. Ongoing counseling can also insha’Allah, help you move through your feelings about your marriage, perceptions and insha’Allah help you decide what is best for you in terms of your needs, your marriage and your future plans. We wish you the best. You are in our prayers.
Assalam walaikum dear counselor Aisha, I want to speak about a problem I m facing with my in-laws.
My father in law is very a respected man, he works for free for the benefits of masjid also helps anyone in need. He has a lot of respect among everyone outside and inside the family.
My husband worships him also he handles all the finance and business my husband is in his control. It so happened that on certain multiple occasions I believe he touched me inappropriately for a fraction of second. And it happened many times. Before I could react he would just gel with the surrounding as if nothing happened and behave really politely with me in front of everyone talks with. A lot of respect ask me about my health and stuff. I know no one would believe me if I tell them because he is very caring and helpful otherwise towards me and everyone. But I believe what he does is intentional manipulative and wrong.
Pls, tell what should I do. If I tell anyone they would break the marriage my husband would leave me and I would term liar. And I cannot let this continue as it's affecting me badly.
As salamu alaykum sister,
Shokran for writing into our live session. I am so sorry to hear what has been going on with your father-in-law. His touching you inappropriately is most vile and haram as you know. It should not be tolerated.
A Problem for our Ummah
This is a problem in our ummah that sadly goes unaddressed many times. There are some men who are very highly respected, pillars in the community as well as at home and have impeccable reputations. However a few have done exactly what your father-in-law is doing. There is sexual abuse going on and nobody is speaking about it for the same fears that you have. Due to the reputation of these men, and often times cultural norms and beliefs, the women or victims cannot say anything because they will not be believed as you stated. Additionally many do not want to risk losing their husbands and family by speaking up. This is a huge problem because it is a violation not only of Islamic principles and values but it is a violation of women.
I will kindly suggest sister that you seek out an agency or organization for women in your area, preferably one that is Islamic. There may be organizations or groups of women who offer assistance in cases like this. I am sure that there are other women who have experienced this same situation from other men in the community or perhaps even from him. If the situation where you live is tight-knit and or politically-charged these groups of women or organizations may be kind of underground, meaning they are not publicly broadcast for fear of repercussions. I kindly advise you insh’Allah, to seek out connections to these organizations by looking online and putting in keywords such as sexual abuse, Islam, women. If this search just not bring up anything I would kindly suggest that you contact the Rahi Foundation (1). While it focuses on childhood sexual assault/abuse it also can offer some great supports and referrals insha’Allah. The site states: “RAHI Foundation, established in 1996, is a pioneering organization focused on women survivors of Incest and Child Sexual Abuse (CSA). RAHI’s work includes support and recovery through the distinctive RAHI Model of Healing; awareness and education about Incest/ CSA; training and intervention; and research and capacity building – all established within the larger issue of social change”.
In the meantime, sister try not to be around your father-in-law in close proximity where in he can touch you. This may be hard due to family gatherings and so forth, however do try to stay away from him. If he is touching you inappropriately he may be touching others inappropriately as well such as other daughters, daughter-in-laws, sisters who go to him for help etc. The fact that you are married to his son sadly makes his access to you easier.
As you stated your husband “worships him and trust him completely” and they are very close, I’m not recommending that you inform your husband at this point. As you indicated, it is highly unlikely he will believe you given the situation. However, he does need to be informed as to what is going on. I would kindly suggest that you first get supports set in place (counseling, telling your mom or a close sister, other family, a place to live if needed) in case you need to leave. Ideally, your husband should believe you, support you, defend and protect you. If he does not-and you are blamed or told you are lying-you will need to have a plan B-which will be leaving. Allah did not create you sister to be abused in this way.
Sister you may want to discuss the situation with your mother or a sister whom you are close to and that you trust explicitly. Seek their advice on the situation and how to handle it. It is not an easy situation but it must be addressed. Again as I stated earlier, there are organizations and groups who are comprised of professional counselors who have probably been through this themselves and that is why they seek to help others. Exposure is demanded because men who are respected, trusted and from our Islamic communities and live a double life by violating women cannot be tolerated. There is to be no toleration for any man violating women from any community however some of these men feel “safer” based on their status and cultural surroundings. I often wonder if they ever fear the wrath of Allah swt for their actions.
Please do seek out any groups or organizations in your area which you can reach out to for guidance and assistance with this matter. Consider confiding in your mom or a close sister for assistance. Try to distance yourself from your father-in-law physically so he cannot touch you and please do make dua to Allah to assist you with this matter, to grant ease as well as expose this man for what he is doing.
Counseling & Moving Ahead
At this point sister I also advise you to seek out counseling in your area insha’Allah. A counselor should also be able help you formulate a way for you to protect yourself, assist you in resolving the situation according to your countries laws and resources for women as well as link you to the kind of organizations I was talking about. There may come a point sister wherein you may have to leave the home to protect yourself as well as any children you may have-or have in the future. Surely you would not want them around your father-in-law. In addition please know that this is no fault of your own, you are innocent, you are a victim. It is sad when we cannot trust esteemed elders in our community and especially when they are in our family. We wish you the best sister please let us know the outcome and how you are doing you are in our prayers.
Hi, I am an engineer, so during my coaching classes, I met a girl who is muslim and instantly I fell in love with her. After some time I talked with her and she also talk with me, we talked so much regularly like she taught me about Islam and I think that was really beautiful, after that I told her about my feelings, I researched Islam more just because of her to tell her how I actually feel when she is around me.
Now when I told her that I love her and for her I will accept Islam, she too have feelings but she is saying it's not allowed in our religion so she cannot love me. Now I don't know what to do I really wanted to spend my entire life with her, make her happy but now all I have is pain and I don't know what am I doing, I am also not able to get a good sleep at night everything around me seems worthless to me even myself. Please tell me what would I do? Please guide me.
Thank you for writing to our live session. As I understand your question, during your classes you met a girl who is Muslim. You state that you fell in love with her, which indicates you found her to be a nice person with good qualities. You both spoke about Islam and she taught you some things which you found to be interesting. This inspired you to do more research about Islam. The question brother, is that in your research of Islam, do you find it to be in your heart as a truth and way of life for you? Or do you want to accept Islam just to marry this girl?
I will kindly suggest that you do some deep searching within yourself, in your heart to determine if Islam is truly the path that you feel is right for your life. If it is, then that is a great blessing indeed. Allah chooses who He will. If this is not the case and you are just interested in Islam because you want to marry this girl when I kindly suggest you do not pursue her any further. To do so, would be wanting to marry her under a false pretense. If you tell her that you will accept Islam, she will be expecting a husband who is Muslim and who lives and conducts his life in an Islamic way. If Islam is not in your heart brother this would be very hard for you to do and it would bring pain and hardship to not only your wife, but to the marriage. It would be a marriage based on a lie. More seriously, a lie to Allah swt.
If you truly feel that Islam is the right path and the only path for you, and you seek to please Allah and you love Him- then by all means do pursue this girl. I would also kindly suggest that you start going to a Masjid in your area and take shahada, learn your prayers, and gain more knowledge about Islam. Seek out brothers in the Masjid who will be uplifting, and who will be happy to help you learn about Islam. You will be starting a new way of life brother, a most blessed one indeed and you will need encouragement and supports in place.
Permissible for Marriage
Regarding what the girl stated about not being able to love you, what she may mean is that in Islam we do not get to know each other intimately and fall in love. While we are allowed to get to know each one another in a protected way, dating, being alone together, touching, kissing, all of these things is forbidden- haram. We are allowed to get to know one another for purposes of marriage however a parent, friend, third party is to be present. Also what she may have meant, was that you are not Muslim therefore she cannot love you- meaning marry you. This is true, a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man. However, if you do truly accept Islam as your way of life and you seek to become Muslim by taking shahada and following the path of Islamic principles, you will be permissible for her meaning she can marry you. However it must be sincere. I must caution you on being sincere about your intent to be Muslim, as it is very serious and your reasons need to be pure. If this is indeed the case, please do start attending the Masjid; speak with an imam, and take shahada.
For Allah’s Sake Alone
Insha’Allah, if you are doing all these things for the sake of Allah alone, Allah will bless you. It could be that this girl is to be your wife, or it could be that Allah has someone else for you. Allah knows best. However as the two of you may have formed mutual feelings and you do want to marry, Allah may make it easy. Insha’Allah, by taking sincere actions towards becoming a Muslim will help this girl see that you are truly serious about dedicating your life to Allah. If it is so ordained, she will be compelled to marry you. If she does not, please do remember brother that the best blessing that has come out of this, is your finding Islam and becoming a Muslim. We wish you the best
I have been in a serious relationship for nearly 7 months. I knew this guy as a friend for some time and i felt he was the right match for me and i proposed him and asked whether he felt the same. He said yes and he said he was in fear to ask me, i might say no and end our friendship. Soon the very next day i told my parents and he told his parents and we officially got approved by both the families. He wanted to get the nikah done soon, but as my elder sister’s marriage got postponed, i asked him to wait.
I really do love him and i know and feel he does the same. But for nearly for 3 months, he has a confusion, whether to get married to me or not. He says, he can’t see me as a wife or can’t even feel me as a wife when he touches me. He thinks i deserve a better person. But he says he loves me so much. I really want to get married to him as i have already let him touch me, but we didn’t do any intercourse. I know we did wrong and Allah might be punishing us. But we asked forgiveness from Allah and never repeated again. But because of this i can’t forget him and get married to another, i can’t lie to another person and ruin his life. I want to make my current fiance to see me as his wife and get married to me. What should i do? I am fasting every day possible and praying Thahajjud asking Allah’s help to make him mine. Before i started this relationship i prayed Isthihara to get Allah’s blessings, after that only i told my parents.
I really don’t know what to do? If i am getting married, i should get married to him as i have already did what i should not have done. I can’t get married to someone else and live with the guilt. Please advice me. What can i do to convince him to see me and feel me as his wife not just as a friend?
as-salaamu alaykum sister,
Shokran for writing to our live session. I can understand your confusion over the situation regarding the marriage. At one point you both were going to get married and everything was going fine, and now all of a sudden he states that he cannot see you as a wife or even feel you as a wife and that you deserve a better person.
Keeping Intentions Pure
Sister you stated that you have been in a serious relationship for nearly 7 months. I don’t know what “serious” means but as you know we are to keep our relationships halal, meaning we are not to touch one another or be alone together. It is against Islamic principles. It is good that you got to know him to the point where you both feel that you wanted to get married, however insha’Allah you did not do anything haram up until that point. You did state however that you touched each other and I think this happened after the marriage was postponed. As you know that is haram. Perhaps he is now feeling guilt due to both of your haram behaviors with each other. You stated he changed, and now he does not see you as his wife or feels he is not good enough for you. Feeling guilty may be the reason he feels this way or perhaps he felt that there was not enough advocacy done for the marriage. In any case please do ask him to elaborate on his reasons why (in a halal manner). Knowing why will help you either move forward with the marriage -or move on.
Sister, as long as you sought Allah’s forgiveness and repented, you need to move forward. We all make mistakes and that is why Allah is merciful and forgiving. Allah swt knows that we are not perfect and that we are striving. However I would highly encourage you to cut off any physical relationships with him until you are married. If you want Allah to bless this possible marriage, then you must earn these blessings by keeping a relationship halal. Whether or not your fiancee has repented you do not know. However you may want to suggest to him that you do still want to marry and seek the blessings of Allah. Kindly suggest to him insha’Allah, that if he has not repented to do so. Please do remind him that what you both did was haram, that you have repented, and that Allah is most merciful and loves to forgive. Indicate that if you both have sincerely repented, you would like to start on a fresh note. Inform him you will talk to your parents about a marriage date.
Marriage is not to be Delayed
Sister I will kindly encourage you to speak with your parents as soon as possible insha’Allah. Explain to them that you need to get married as soon as possible. You stated that your older sister’s marriage got postponed, however I do not know why you had to wait because her marriage was postponed. We are encouraged in Islam to marry as soon as possible and not to put it off. It is situations such as your and your fiancee getting intimate, which is the reason why getting married as soon as possible is the best. It is a safeguard and protection. While I don’t know the circumstances and it may have been due to finances, but you and your fiance should have gotten married when you had set the date regardless of whether or not your sister got married.
Please do speak to your fiancee about repenting, as well and starting on a new note. Speak to your parents about getting married as soon as possible and please do make dua to Allah to bless you and your fiancee’s future from this day forward.
Repentance and Moving Forward
In regards to the situation that you do not marry him, you can marry somebody else insha’Allah. Allah Knows Best. Even though you did wrong by letting this boy touch you, even though he’s your fiance –you were not married. However this should not affect a future marriage to someone else. We all sin and do things that are wrong, however we do ask for forgiveness from Allah. When we do sincerely repent, Allah in His mercy, has promised us He will forgive us. If the case is that you are to be married to somebody else, you do not tell this person of your past. When we have committed a sin and we sincerely seek repentance, Allah covers our sin. We are not to disclose it.
As you have sincerely repented, I kindly suggest sister that you put this in the past, put it behind you and move forward, never to speak about it again. When Allah blesses us with forgiveness, we do not hang on to our sins worrying about them and disclosing them to others. We trust in Allah and are grateful to Allah for the opportunity to be forgiven, and we move on. Insha’Allah both you and your current fiancee will handle this from a more halal perspective, seek forgiveness and marry as soon as possible regardless of your sister. You are in our prayers we wish you the best.