Question 4

As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear about your daughters straying away from Islam. I am not sure how long the situation has been that they don’t believe in Islam or religion in general, however you have decided to cut them off.

 

Cutting Off Daughters

 

Sister, I am not an Islamic scholar therefore I will kindly advise you to consult with our “Ask the Scholar” section for Islamic rulings on cutting off family. There are various meanings to “cutting off family” such as keeping in touch by phone or mail but not in person. Some see cutting off as only visiting once in a while. While others see cutting off as no contact-ever. In some circumstances such as sexual/abuse it is warranted as Allah wants us to be safe. However, I do know that we are not supposed to cut off our families in general.

 

There is Hope

 

You mentioned your daughters have wonderful qualities. Cutting them off is like saying there is no hope for them. I do believe that there is hope for everybody. As long as your daughters have breath there is a hope that they will return to Allah. It could be that you’re cutting them off confirms their feelings are valid regarding religion. After all, they are your daughters. You gave birth to them. They may think “how could my own mother cut me off”. Instead of showing them the mercy of Islam, it may be confirming their misguided beliefs thus pushing them further away from Allah.

 

Familial Choices

 

Sister, we may not agree with the choices our family members make, especially our children when they are adults. However, there is always a chance to build a bridge of trust which can lead to change. Your daughters may be going through difficult times emotionally. Even though they are in their twenties, they may be struggling with some issues you are not aware of. I will kindly suggest sister that you and your husband reconsider your status concerning your daughters. If you feel they’re a bad influence for your sons that is understandable. Their influence can be limited. However, they are still your daughters and they are worthy of trying to save.

 

Setting Boundaries

 

Sister, if you do change your mind and accept them back into your life, you may wish to set boundaries regarding the behaviors they engage in around your home. For instance, when they come to visit-no boyfriends. When they interact with their brothers, they must uphold Islamic values. By setting boundaries rather than cutting them off, you are illustrating your Islamic values as well as your love for them as your daughters.

 

Kindness to Non-Muslims

 

As a mother you can be a great inspiration to both of your daughters in your actions and in the way you treat them. Islam is a religion of balance and of love. They need to see this. We do not push away relatives who are of different religions, or those who have no religion. In fact, we are told to be kind and to show love to them. If we are to be kind to relatives who are not Muslim, how do you think we are to treat our own children?

 

Possible Fear

 

Your sons may be understandably confused especially if they know Islam. They may also be fearful that one day this may happen to them if they make wrong decisions or fall into sin. As we are all sinful sister and we all make mistakes, this is why we all need Allah’s mercy and forgiveness. This is why we are blessed to be able to go to Allah seeking repentance. Your cutting off your daughters may instill a real fear for your two boys.

 

Conclusion

 

I kindly suggest that you and your husband do sit down when things are calm and discuss the status of your two daughters in regard to disowning them. The Qur’an states that “Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and cut off your ties of kinship?” (Quran 47:22) and “One will not enter paradise if he/she cuts off relations with relatives.” Bukhari & Muslim. Sister, please do make duaa to Allah to guide you on this very critical decision. Please also write to our Ask the Scholar section for further direction. We wish you the best.

Thursday, Jan. 01, 1970 | 00:00 - 00:00 GMT

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