As-salaam alaykum sister,
Shokran for writing to our live session with your most important issue. Sadly, it is a common one in Islam and it should not be.
An Abusive Previous Marriage
As I understand your situation, you were married to a man who was abusive. You also got pregnant and terminated the pregnancy. You are now divorced and have been for four years. I am sorry to hear of all of the very tragic and sad things that you have been through. It must have been very difficult, all of it. I am so happy for you that you have endured all these hardship, abuse and hard decisions and got your life back alhumdulilah. May Allah bless you sister and continue to guide you in your healing process.
Mother Fears Remarriage
You now seek to marry a brother. He happens to be a revert. It appears that as your ex-husband was also a revert, your mother has some fears about your marrying him. It also seems that your mother is racist as you stated she does not want you to be with this man because he is white and not from the same background as you. I’m wondering if your mother knows that in Islam there is to be no racism? In a hadith it states,
“Verily there is no superiority of an Arab over a non-Arab or of a non-Arab over an Arab, or of a red man over a black man, or of a black man over a red man, except in terms of taqwa.” (Tirmidhi). It is further narrated that ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas said “I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say, out loud and not secretly: “The family of Abu Fulaan (the Father of So and so) are not my friends. My friends are Allah and the righteous believers” (Muslim and Bukhaari); and finally, “The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) was speaking of a clan that was closely related to him and pointed out that mere lineage did not make them his friends; rather his friends were Allah and the righteous believers of all backgrounds” (1).
Content of Character
Sister, if your mom is so concerned about your having a happy and successful marriage, she should be concerned with the Islamic foundation of your marriage. She needs to consider the Islamic character and content of this man rather than his skin color, ethnic background or his country affiliation. Insha’Allah she needs to remember what our religion actually teaches.
There is to be no racism in Islam. However as imperfect humans, Muslims often get caught up in haram ideology and belief systems. The issue about him being a revert probably reminds her of your previous former husband who was abusive, and it scares her. However, abuse occurs whether a man is a revert or a born Muslim. In fact, those who have reverted, those who have chosen Islam out of a deep love for Allah, tend to be very serious about following Islamic laws and prescribed ways of living.
Talking with Your Mother
Sister insha’Allah, I would kindly advise you to sit down with your mother when things are calm. Point out the hadiths and ayats in the Quran relating to racism and how it is haram. Also discuss with her the blessings of one reverting to Islam. Assure her of your love for her, and at the same time help her to see that you have much wisdom and insight in your decisions.
Sister, as you are 27 you are an adult. While you must respect your mother and treat her good, you do not have to listen to her in regard to marriage. Who you marry is your choice as long as he is Islamically permissible for you. I would advise you however, as I would advise anyone, born Muslim or a revert-to get to know him in a halal way. Get to know his family as well. Make sure that you do check out his reputation, as well as his standing in the Islamic community. Ensure that you both have compatible traits. By getting to know his character and his reputation, you will increase the chances of marrying somebody that you are compatible with, and not one who is abusive. If you find him to be suitable sister, marry him.
Your mother has her own issues, sadly, due to your father leaving her. It appears that she is functioning from a place of deep pain and fear. I am sure that she wants a very good marriage for you because she loves you. However, her concepts are not of Islam . Please do sit with your mother and talk to her. After a proper and successful inquiry of this man, advise her that you will move forward with the marriage and that you do wish for her blessings. Explain to her that you do love her, however as you are 27 you are able to make a decision regarding something as serious as choosing a lifelong partner. We wish you the best!
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