Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
The first thing you must do in this case is to seek advice from a scholar of knowledge on the matter as it may be that it is a requirement for girls to start Shaving once they reach puberty. A scholar will be able to give you a more clear response with evidence regarding this. This should be what you should do to begin with to ensure that you are encouraging her on the correct path in line with Islamic values.
If it turns out that it is mandatory for her to shave at her age then you must go to her and let her K ow the same and support her in fulfilling what is necessary. You can explore with her different methods of hair removal and allow her to try different methods until she finds what she is most comfortable with. Having such discussions between you and her will help to strengthen your relationship as she comes to feel like she can trust you and talk to you openly about such private matters. This will put you in a good position as she faces the many emotions and scenarios that are commonly faced during puberty; a time when teens need the most support get through some difficult times successfully.
This might be quite difficult for you as it goes against what you have been telling her all along and preventing her from doing, especially since it is something that you were not permitted to do until you were older and married. However, for the sake of Allah, if is compulsory for her to shave, then you must leave these preconceived ideas aside and support your daughter in doing things the correct way. Again, this will also help your daughter to develop a trust in you as she sees you out aside your thoughts for the sake of pleasing Allah and supporting her on the correct path. It will put you in front of her as a good role model who is only interested in pleasing Allah and supporting her in doing the same.
However, If it is deemed haram, then you should take a gentle approach in enforcing it in her. If you are too harsh without giving explanation she is more likely to just go and do herself without your permission and continue to do so in secret. Explain to her that she should not shave and give her the evidence to support what you are saying. Let her know that you are only advising her for her sake as you don’t want to see her fall into haram. If necessary get the support of others you know that she will respond well to and listen to.
If however, scholarly advise determines that actually it is not necessary for her to shave and that she can or should wait until she is married, then you would need to take an entirely different approach; an approach that will maintain you bond whilst letting her know how you feel. Essentially, unless it is strictly haram for her to shave at her age, she still could shave. Of course, she is influenced by her peers here and sometimes that can be a positive thing and sometimes not so.
Find a good time to sit down and really discuss the matter in depth. Let her know your concerns as well as trying to see things from her perspective too. Find out the resins why she wants to start shaving. Is it a matter that she is just copying her peers? If so, then this is something you could discuss further regarding being her own self and not always being influenced by her peers and how this can sometimes become dangerous. Does she want to do it for beautification purposes? If it is to impress others then perhaps she has the wrong motivations for desiring to shave, but if it is for her own confidence or for matters of comfort and cleanliness then perhaps her motivations are actually healthy.
Having such a discussion with your daughter will help her to understand your perspective, but also help you to understand hers too. If it is that she is just following the crowd and/or trying to impress others then you might remain as strongly against as you have been and talk to her about focusing on being herself and doing what’s best for her and not always trying to win the approval of others. However, if she has genuine reasons for her desire to shave then perhaps you might want to think about permitting her to shave after all, especially if there is not a problem with it Islamically.
May Allah guide you to what is best for you and your daughter and most pleasing to Allah.
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