We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.
We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.
Thursday, Sep. 05, 2019 | 12:00 - 14:00 Makkah | 09:00 - 11:00 GMT
Session is over.
We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.
We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.
Most of my close friends are non-Muslim. This is because I have found very few Muslims that are like me, that are intelligent, practice Islam and enjoy sport. I am finishing my secondary school this year and my friends made a plan to go away to the beach for 5 days. I wanted to go to, but I know in the evening that my friends will go partying and so I planned not to join them.
However, my parents refuse me to send me to the beach with them. This makes me very upset, as I never go out with my friends, maybe 5 times in the last 6 years.
I even did not go to my school formal because I thought I would be directly in the environment of haram, and I don't believe I would be directly in a haram environment if I went with my friends. My friends also respect my religion and don't do anything to upset me. Can my parents stop me from going with my friends? (Their main argument is it is against Islam to send me). Jazakumullahu khairan
Alhamdulilah that even though your close friends are mostly non Muslim they do respe t your religion a d don’t do anything to upset you. You are just finishing secondary school and would like to go on a 5 day trip to the beach with your friends, but your parents won’t allow you. You are aware that there will be parties in the evening, but you have no plans to join them, much like you didn’t attend your schools formal to avoid any haram that would like be present.
As I’m sure you are aware we must respect and obey out parents, except in the case they are encouraging something against Islam. It could be loosely argued perhaps that by stopping you going that they are preventing you from mixing with others, however this argument could not be that strong because it would seem that actually them preventing you from going is protecting you from doing something and being in an environment where it is easy to fall into sin despite having good intentions. It may also be argued that you are now at an age where you can and should take responsibility for making such decisions yourself. However, I would strongly urge you to seriously consider the wisdom behind your parents trying to prevent you from going.
Alhamdulilah, your intentions are good; you just want to spend time with your friends, however, you must understand that there is much fitna present at a beach. There will be females there dressed in very little a d whilst you can and should lower your gaze Shaytans whispers can be very strong and say that just looking will do no harm. And, aside from that, in an environment like a beach it is pretty difficult to avoid looking at anyone else, especially on a busy day.
Again, regarding the parties that will be held in the evening, you say you have no intention to go, but it is possible that temptation might get the better of you come the evening. After having fun with your friends all day it might be even more difficult to decline, or you may say you will attend but you won’t drink alcohol.. Etc.. Also, avoiding such sins at your age is more difficult as peer groups are very important and hormones can also play a big role in decision making.
Your parents have been through this stage and so know very well what it is like. Furthermore, whilst your friends do respect your religion, if they don’t live it then they probably don’t fully understand it or the consequences of doing things like going to the beach with Islamic wisdom in mind. To them it might seem quite innocent and as a result you probably feel the same too, but as discussed abive there are many other factors to consider also.
So, as you can see, regardless of whether you actually go or not, your parents have done the correct thing in trying to prevent you from going. Remember that if they should permit you to go and you should fall into any sin whilst there, which is easily possible, then the sin will also fall on them too for allowing and even encouraging you to go by not stopping you. It may seem harsh, but for the sake of Allah it is as much in their interest as yours that you don’t go.
However, understandably you do want to see your friends and do something fun. As you say yourself you don’t see much of friends so feel that it’s not too much to ask to spend time with them this time and you may be right here. There is no harm in being with friends, within boundaries of course. So, why don’t you consider also arranging something yourself that you can be sure is more halal that your parents would also be more agreeable to that you can invite your friends to. This way you will get to spend time with them in a good environment and with the permission of your parents too.
May Allah reward your steadfastness and keep you on His path. May He reward your pare ts good intentions for you and guide you to make the best decision that will be most pleasing to Him.
My elder brother was pretty fine before father's death. He had always difficulty in coping with people's negative behavior but he would always be fine. After father's death he became clinically depressed, he had that angry response depression not the one where people go quiet. He started to have problems with his workplace first. Simultaneously we took him to a doctor and they prescribed medicines. He was doing well. Then we got to know that he was involved with a girl who was separated. He wanted to marry her but me n my mother and the whole family were against it. Reason the gals family were not considered good and religious. He first was fine then he began expressing his anger on me n my mother.
And stopped talking to the other relatives. Even if we try to make him understand. He would give us thousand reasons and would not budge. Now the girl has left him but he has changed a lot. He has become very aggressive.
He says he hates us, relatives even his workplace colleagues. He has become all negative and is extremely rude to us. He doesnt talk to us much.. he doesnt even want to get married..he has now a problem with everyone. Why his office colleague is given a day shift and why not me ?. He fights with everyone. We want to take him to a therapy but he is unwilling to go . Me and my mother are in extreme pain. We pray regularly and ask Allah to help us !!
It would seem quite clear in this situation that the death of your father is what has triggered this intense emotional response in him. It seems like all his behaviour since has stemmed from your father’s death. As you mention, people do cope in different ways; some people get over it quicker and move on, whilst others become depressed for years before they can finally move on, some people express sadness through silence and some through quite the opposite like your brother is.
To consider his behaviour as a result of his inability to manage his emotions appropriately is not a means to excuse him, but it might help you to understand him a bit better and therefore be in a better place to help him. It might be suggested that if his anger is a result of his grief that seeking counselling for his grief, rather than his anger as such would be the way forward since dealing with his grief would have the consequences of helping him to deal with that which is the cause of his anger.
However, as you have said he is not willing to engage in such. What you might try instead is to work on strengthening your connection with him that at some point in the future he will be more willing to take your advice and attend. If he reaches a place where he makes the decision himself he is more likely to attend and to benefit from it in the belief that it was his choice and he was not pushed into it by others.
For now in assisting you to connect with him more it will be useful to understand why he is so angry. On the surface it might seem like there is no logical reason. Everyone seems to be the victim of his anger, not just you and your family, but his colleagues and others too. However, as mentioned people deal with death differently. Some people have the skills to manage their grief and others don’t. In coping with grief, anger can be a method to cover up the negative emotions that one feels at the death of a loved one. Anger can be a means to protect themselves from having to express feelings of grief.
Either that, or they simply do not know how to express such emotions, or perhaps even feel some shame in expressing them especially if there is some kind of stigma in the community to which the person belongs. Furthermore, it is not possible to control someone’s death and that can make loved ones feel a complete lack of control over matters. As a result this alone can lead to feelings of anger due to lack of control, but also, with anger in particular, it is emotion that very much puts the person back in a position of control and fulfils a need that has been involuntarily taken away from them.
Then unfortunately, for the people around them they fall victim to their angry outbursts. Understanding the causes of anger in cases of a bereavement like for your brother can put you in a better position to understand him and respond to him more effectively.
If it is that he has not even spoken about his sadness following the loss of your father then you can try creating an environment that will allow him the opportunity to open up comfortably. Perhaps you might take some time between you in his presence to speak of memories of your father. Be open about your own feelings too, if you feel sad, express it. Let him know that it is ok to do so and that it’s OK to be sad. Masking these emotions will only make it more difficult for him to accept it and move on.
When you have such discussions perhaps have other males in the family present especially in the case there might some stigma attached to expressing sadness especially for the males in the community. It is commonly expected for the man to be strong and not express what might be seen as a weakness, but the longer he holds on to such feelings behind the mask of anger, the longer it will take for him to move on as he is avoiding the chance to process these feelings.
Even though he doesn’t talk to you much, do continue to still try and keep approaching him. Let him know, either openly, or just quietly through your actions that you are still and will still always be there for him should he need you. As you show soft hearts towards him, in sha Allah his heart will soften towards you. Speak positively in front of him and repel his anger with soft words. After all, its not easy to behave in an angry manner towards those who are so kind to you.
When he is present and it’s time to pray, pray together and encourage him on the path of Islam. Help him to strengthen his connection with Allah that he will find some comfort in remembering Allah. This will help to nurture a softness in him as he remembers that Allah is the one in control of life and death and was the one who took you father when it was his time.
With this strengthened connection to Allah he may then start to feel remorse for his negative behaviour towards others. Additionally, do continue to turn to Allah yourselves as well. Never give up hope on the fact that Allah can turn anyones heart, and in sha Allah, in time, with your support he will be able to process his grief more effectively and stop using anger as a means to manage this.
May Allah reward your patience and struggle to help your brother. May He guide him on the straight path and give him the strength to overcome his grief.
Hello to everyone. I have a question I keep asking myself everyday. My daughter (who is 15 , about to be 16) keeps asking me to let her shave. And my answer is no. I myself have been allowed to shave only when I was married. I want to know should I do the something to my daughter. I have seen a lot of girls nowadays shave their arms and legs. Should I let my daughter shave or just wait until she gets married? Thank you so much.
The first thing you must do in this case is to seek advice from a scholar of knowledge on the matter as it may be that it is a requirement for girls to start Shaving once they reach puberty. A scholar will be able to give you a more clear response with evidence regarding this. This should be what you should do to begin with to ensure that you are encouraging her on the correct path in line with Islamic values.
If it turns out that it is mandatory for her to shave at her age then you must go to her and let her K ow the same and support her in fulfilling what is necessary. You can explore with her different methods of hair removal and allow her to try different methods until she finds what she is most comfortable with. Having such discussions between you and her will help to strengthen your relationship as she comes to feel like she can trust you and talk to you openly about such private matters. This will put you in a good position as she faces the many emotions and scenarios that are commonly faced during puberty; a time when teens need the most support get through some difficult times successfully.
This might be quite difficult for you as it goes against what you have been telling her all along and preventing her from doing, especially since it is something that you were not permitted to do until you were older and married. However, for the sake of Allah, if is compulsory for her to shave, then you must leave these preconceived ideas aside and support your daughter in doing things the correct way. Again, this will also help your daughter to develop a trust in you as she sees you out aside your thoughts for the sake of pleasing Allah and supporting her on the correct path. It will put you in front of her as a good role model who is only interested in pleasing Allah and supporting her in doing the same.
However, If it is deemed haram, then you should take a gentle approach in enforcing it in her. If you are too harsh without giving explanation she is more likely to just go and do herself without your permission and continue to do so in secret. Explain to her that she should not shave and give her the evidence to support what you are saying. Let her know that you are only advising her for her sake as you don’t want to see her fall into haram. If necessary get the support of others you know that she will respond well to and listen to.
If however, scholarly advise determines that actually it is not necessary for her to shave and that she can or should wait until she is married, then you would need to take an entirely different approach; an approach that will maintain you bond whilst letting her know how you feel. Essentially, unless it is strictly haram for her to shave at her age, she still could shave. Of course, she is influenced by her peers here and sometimes that can be a positive thing and sometimes not so.
Find a good time to sit down and really discuss the matter in depth. Let her know your concerns as well as trying to see things from her perspective too. Find out the resins why she wants to start shaving. Is it a matter that she is just copying her peers? If so, then this is something you could discuss further regarding being her own self and not always being influenced by her peers and how this can sometimes become dangerous. Does she want to do it for beautification purposes? If it is to impress others then perhaps she has the wrong motivations for desiring to shave, but if it is for her own confidence or for matters of comfort and cleanliness then perhaps her motivations are actually healthy.
Having such a discussion with your daughter will help her to understand your perspective, but also help you to understand hers too. If it is that she is just following the crowd and/or trying to impress others then you might remain as strongly against as you have been and talk to her about focusing on being herself and doing what’s best for her and not always trying to win the approval of others. However, if she has genuine reasons for her desire to shave then perhaps you might want to think about permitting her to shave after all, especially if there is not a problem with it Islamically.
May Allah guide you to what is best for you and your daughter and most pleasing to Allah.