Question 3

As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. I am sorry to hear about your situation with your parents. It must be a very hurtful situation for you to endure. My heart goes out to you.

 

Emotional Abuse

 

The way you have described your home life, it is apparent that you have been in an emotionally abusive situation for quite some time. You stated that since you were little, your parents always called you names such a stupid, lazy, unreliable, and so forth. They also expected you to always achieve perfection, which is impossible for humans. None of us are perfect.

 

No One is Perfect

 

Sister no one is perfect, including parents. Despite your parent’s cruel emotional abuse, they do love you very much. However, they lack parenting skills. While they may jokingly call you names according to you, it is not funny at all, in fact, it is harmful.

 

Children need Love, Encouragement and Support

 

Growing up, children need support, positive reinforcement, encouragement, and mercy. It appears that your parents forget that everyone makes mistakes including them. When parents are overly critical and expect perfection from their children, it can cause low self-esteem, lack of confidence, depression, anxiety, and other issues. When one is subjected to constant criticism, disapproval, insults, and lack of support, it is an emotionally abusive situation.

 

A Wonderful Young Woman

 

As you are now 22 years old and will be graduating from university soon, I am sure that you have learned that you are a very precious and adequate young woman. By realizing your good attributes, your accomplishments, as well as your decision-making abilities, you can clearly see that all they have projected upon you is not true. With that said, insha’Allah, you can move forward with your life knowing that you are a very capable, intelligent young lady. You may also realize that your parents have deficits when it came to raising children. Perhaps they projected their own inadequacies and their own fears upon you. You do not have to accept this however, and it is understandable why you do want to move away from home. No one wants to live in a situation where they are constantly insulted, belittled, and put down. We thrive best in a loving, supportive environment.

 

Talk to Parents

 

Sister, I will kindly suggest that insha’Allah you do try to talk with your parents. Please pick a time when things are calm. Maybe go out for lunch or take a walk somewhere with them and discuss how you are feeling. You may want to point out that the name-calling and teasing has hurt you, but you have risen above that and developed a positive sense of self, have made wise decisions, and will have successfully completed college soon. You may wish to express to them that you love them very much and would like to see your relationship improved. At this point you may wish to include a list of things that they do that harm you and ask them to stop. You may wish to use the Qur’an and Hadith as evidence of how parents should treat children, as well as how Muslims should treat each other. We are to treat each other with support and loving kindness, not with threats, insults, or another derogatory emotional bombardment.

 

Choices

 

Sister if your parents cannot come to a point where they treat you with love and respect, I would kindly suggest that you consider getting an apartment, renting with another sister, or staying with a relative that is kind to you. If you remain in the situation it may cause you to become depressed, feel degraded, or eventually want to give up on trying to continue your accomplishments in life. You have come too far and have been very successful to let this happen. While it is sad to have to leave home and one’s parents, it is it is even sadder to lose oneself due to the emotional abuse from others.

Conclusion

 

Please do speak with your parents about changing their way of treating you, make duaa or to Allah regarding your situation, and make istakharra prayer if you decide to move out to ensure it is the right decision. If you feel you are getting more depressed because of the situation, please do seek counseling on a regular basis. This can help you move through the negative, hurtful emotions that are a result of their emotional abuse. Sister, please know that Allah loves you, and that you are a very capable and wonderful young lady. Please do let us know how you are, you are in my prayers.

Thursday, Jan. 01, 1970 | 00:00 - 00:00 GMT

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