As salamu alaykum sister,
Shokran for writing to our live session. I am so sorry sister to hear about all the abuse you went through. I imagine it has hurt you to the point that you don’t know what to do with the pain anymore, or who even to trust. Please do know that you can heal, you can be happy. It is going to take work, but you can do it.
As I understand your situation you are 35 years old, an engineer and you have a five-year-old child. 10 years ago, your parents started to look for a proposal for you. However, none of them worked out, until one proposal came in from another city.
Deception in Proposal Details
After the marriage you learned that your parents didn’t tell you the truth about him. He didn’t have a job, he was homeless, and he didn’t even have a car. I can imagine that was a big shock and disappointment. However, sister Allah works in mysterious ways. Allah May bless us with something that we don’t like, only to find out that it is good for us. You state that your husband now has a decent job that your father helped him get, but you can’t forgive your parents. Please do ask yourself dear sister, what does this have to do with your husband? Is it his fault?
Your history with your parents is a very sad one indeed. According to you, they used to beat you as a child, they preferred your siblings over you, degraded you for not being smart and so forth. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. No child or person should be subjected to abuse. However, that is in the past, but it seems like it is still harming you. Your hurt, angry and feel hateful. And rightfully so.
Based on your history, I kindly suggest sister that you seek out Counseling in your area to help deal with the trauma that you have lived with all of your life. The way you describe how you feel is in part, due to the abuse you endured. Please do seek counseling. You sound traumatized.
Wanting a Divorce
While you state that you would like a divorce from your husband because you don’t have any feelings for him, it could be that he is good for you. It could be that you can’t feel anything right now, because you’re angry at your parents for abusing you all of your life and then deceiving you about your husband. It seems you went into the marriage angry (and rightfully so), and now you want a divorce. However, it is not your husband’s fault.
Creating a Fresh Page
Regarding your husband, I would kindly suggest dear sister that you try to create a fresh page with him Insha’Allah. Try to forget your parents for now. By that, I mean all the hurt and deception that they have caused. It may be getting in the way of how you view your husband and it may be getting in the way of letting you feel love.
Seeing things in a Clear Light
I l kindly suggest that you start over with your husband. Try to get to know him. Spend time with him. Do enjoyable things together. In this way you can see if you are truly compatible or not. In combination with counseling, you may see your husband in a new light. He may be a blessing from Allah.
How to deal with Abusive Parents
Regarding your first question about how to speak to your parents, I understand you’re very hurt from all the abuse. Again, counseling will help with that. You have a right to feel angry and upset and you even have the right to feel like you hate them. However, Islam says that we must always honor our parents and show them respect. So, unless they are physically, mentally, or emotionally still attacking you, please do your best to show them love, respect and honor. If they are abusive to you, you can kindly walk away until they treat you better. You do not have to have toxic people in your life. You have to take care of your parents and be kind of them yes, but you do not have to stay around and be abused by them either.
Separate your Husband from your Past
Your second question relates to your husband. Please do consider getting to know him, separate from all the harshness, lies, deception of how you initially met him. Separate him from your past. He is not your parents. Look at him as a separate human being from your parents ,and from the situation that you were forced into. Perhaps it turns out that you do like him.
Giving your Marriage a Chance
Dear sisterpPlease do give him a chance it is not his fault that this is happened. If it turns out that you do not like him after you’ve given it much effort, you do have the right to divorce. I would not suggest that you leave your daughter. Your mom might end up raising her and you know how that will be. Additionally, she is a blessing from Allah, and Allah will hold you accountable for raising her. As you are an engineer you should make enough money to support the two of you. However, I do implore you to please give your husband and this marriage a chance. If you can begin to heal from your hurt and trauma, you may find that you could be really happy in this marriage.
A sister please do get counseling as soon as possible, make duaa to Allah to Grant you mercy and ease in this situation. You’re in my prayers and I wish you the best
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.