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Ask about Parenting – Counseling Session

Session Guest

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.


Tuesday, Aug. 06, 2019 | 08:00 - 10:00 Makkah | 05:00 - 07:00 GMT

Session Status

Session is over.

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

The answers will be online very soon


Me and my mum always get along, but recently we had an argument about something she wanted me to do but I didn't want to do it and I had my reasons, my dad agreed with my reasons on why I didn't want to do so. I gave her all suggestions to solve the problem but she refuses to agree on them because it's not her say.

So My mum got extremely angry how dare me and my dad didn't agree with her. Now shes not talking to me or my dad, shes cursing me and saying she wants to disown me just of this one altercation even so out of my sibling I'm the most one obeying her without question. How do I deal with this issue in an Islamic manner?



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear about the arguments that you are having with your mom.

 

Disagreement with Mother

 

As I understand your question, your mom wanted you to do something, but you did not want to do it for your own reasons. Your dad supported you on your decision. As I don’t know what it is that she asked you, it may be kind of hard to give you the correct response. For instance, if she asked you to do something that was against Allah, or something that was haram of course you should not do it. However, if she asked you to do something that was not harmful, perhaps you should have complied.

 

Honor your Mother

 

Sister, again I don’t know the situation so I cannot fully speak about it. Sister I do want to point out one thing, you must show respect to your mother at all times. It sounds like there is a lot of disagreements in your home right now. That is a sad situation. No matter how you feel about the situation, you must respect her at all times.

 

Anger often mean Pain

 

As your mom is very upset right now, and she’s not speaking to you or your dad because you didn’t agree with her, she must be very hurt. When someone is very angry that usually comes from a place of deep pain.

 

Speak with your Mother

 

I would kindly suggest that you try to speak with your mother about the situation. Find somewhere private and quiet, and insha’Allah tell her that you are sorry that she is upset, but you would like to talk with her. Try to find some common ground with your mom to make her feel comfortable. Try to work out the situation sister to the best of your ability.

 

Dealing with Arguments from an Islamic Perspective

 

To deal with this from an Islamic manner, you must set aside your own hurt and anger and reflect upon the Quran. Think also about what would the prophet Muhammad (PBUH) do in your situation. Make duaa to Allah for guidance and ask for forgiveness. Ask Allah swt to soften your heart.

Your mom loves you

 

Please do try to make amends with your mom, be a little more tolerant, and understand that right now she is very hurt. As you stated that you and your mom always get along, she is probably very hurt and confused that you did not want to do something for her. Please do try to prepare the relationship, because the relationship with your mom is one of the most precious relationships you will have. Your mom loves you sister, never forget that. We wish you the best sister.


I am a 35-year-old Muslim woman, an engineer, decent looking, with a 5-year-old girl. Almost 10 years ago, my parents started to look for a decent proposal for me, while I was working in a multinational firm. My other family members bugged my parents (who are very well educated and financially good) with questions regarding when they will marry me.

A family visited our home every other day and most of them rejected me for one reason or another. Whichever family said yes, my parents agreed without even investigating. Since I was at a good post myself, I investigated about these families on my own. This scenario had me break 3 of my engagements. Then a proposal came from another city and I couldn't investigate. My parents painted a fancy picture and I got married to that man.

After marriage, I learnt that my parents lied to me and married me to a jobless, homeless man who did not have a car. These were the basic things my parents lied to me about among others. I was pregnant immediately afterwards and I begged them for separation but I wasn't allowed. Now my husband has a decent job, that my father helped him to get, but I cannot forgive my parents. I forgave them for all other things like when they used to beat me as a child, or when they preferred my other siblings, degraded me for not being smart like them, etc, but not now. My questions are:

1. I know I am not supposed to shout at them or confront them. I know I owe them my life, education and all, but I don't want to talk to them, I hate them. What does Islam say about this situation?

2. I cannot support my daughter on my own, so I can't take her away. I cannot live without her so I don't have the courage to go somewhere alone. But I don't have any feelings for my husband. He was not a good husband for 4 years but now he is trying to be good, but I don't find it in me to trust him. Should I leave them both and live alone? As a mother, is that worse than what my mother and father did to me? What are my options? I have no one I can trust but Allah, and this feeling is painful.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am so sorry sister to hear about all the abuse you went through. I imagine it has hurt you to the point that you don’t know what to do with the pain anymore, or who even to trust. Please do know that you can heal, you can be happy. It is going to take work, but you can do it.

 

As I understand your situation you are 35 years old, an engineer and you have a five-year-old child. 10 years ago, your parents started to look for a proposal for you. However, none of them worked out, until one proposal came in from another city.

 

Deception in Proposal Details

 

After the marriage you learned that your parents didn’t tell you the truth about him. He didn’t have a job, he was homeless, and he didn’t even have a car. I can imagine that was a big shock and disappointment. However, sister Allah works in mysterious ways. Allah May bless us with something that we don’t like, only to find out that it is good for us. You state that your husband now has a decent job that your father helped him get, but you can’t forgive your parents. Please do ask yourself dear sister, what does this have to do with your husband? Is it his fault?

 

Abusive Parents

 

Your history with your parents is a very sad one indeed. According to you, they used to beat you as a child, they preferred your siblings over you, degraded you for not being smart and so forth. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. No child or person should be subjected to abuse. However, that is in the past, but it seems like it is still harming you. Your hurt, angry and feel hateful. And rightfully so.

 

Counseling

 

Based on your history, I kindly suggest sister that you seek out Counseling in your area to help deal with the trauma that you have lived with all of your life. The way you describe how you feel is in part, due to the abuse you endured. Please do seek counseling. You sound traumatized.

 

Wanting a Divorce

 

While you state that you would like a divorce from your husband because you don’t have any feelings for him, it could be that he is good for you. It could be that you can’t feel anything right now, because you’re angry at your parents for abusing you all of your life and then deceiving you about your husband. It seems you went into the marriage angry (and rightfully so), and now you want a divorce. However, it is not your husband’s fault.

 

Creating a Fresh Page

 

Regarding your husband, I would kindly suggest dear sister that you try to create a fresh page with him Insha’Allah. Try to forget your parents for now. By that, I mean all the hurt and deception that they have caused. It may be getting in the way of how you view your husband and it may be getting in the way of letting you feel love.

 

Seeing things in a Clear Light

 

I l kindly suggest that you start over with your husband. Try to get to know him. Spend time with him. Do enjoyable things together. In this way you can see if you are truly compatible or not. In combination with counseling, you may see your husband in a new light. He may be a blessing from Allah.

 

How to deal with Abusive Parents

 

Regarding your first question about how to speak to your parents, I understand you’re very hurt from all the abuse. Again, counseling will help with that. You have a right to feel angry and upset and you even have the right to feel like you hate them. However, Islam says that we must always honor our parents and show them respect. So, unless they are physically, mentally, or emotionally still attacking you, please do your best to show them love, respect and honor. If they are abusive to you, you can kindly walk away until they treat you better. You do not have to have toxic people in your life. You have to take care of your parents and be kind of them yes, but you do not have to stay around and be abused by them either.

 

Separate your Husband from your Past

 

Your second question relates to your husband. Please do consider getting to know him, separate from all the harshness, lies, deception of how you initially met him. Separate him from your past. He is not your parents. Look at him as a separate human being from your parents ,and from the situation that you were forced into. Perhaps it turns out that you do like him.

 

Giving your Marriage a Chance

 

Dear sisterpPlease do give him a chance it is not his fault that this is happened. If it turns out that you do not like him after you’ve given it much effort, you do have the right to divorce. I would not suggest that you leave your daughter. Your mom might end up raising her and you know how that will be. Additionally, she is a blessing from Allah, and Allah will hold you accountable for raising her. As you are an engineer you should make enough money to support the two of you. However, I do implore you to please give your husband and this marriage a chance. If you can begin to heal from your hurt and trauma, you may find that you could be really happy in this marriage.

 

Conclusion

 

A sister please do get counseling as soon as possible, make duaa to Allah to Grant you mercy and ease in this situation. You’re in my prayers and I wish you the best

 


Should I let my children attend the animal slaughtering during Eid Al-Adha? And at what age they could witness the slaughtering?



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. Your question it is a very important one as Eid al-Adha is almost here and many are already making preparations for festivities.

 

Depends on your Children

 

Regarding taking a child (children) to the slaughtering, it really depends on your child. There is no set age, and many children do in fact live on farms and are used to farm life from a very early age. It will depend on your child’s knowledge about the significance and meaning of Eid Al-Adha, feelings about animal slaughter, your child’s understanding of the humane way in which we slaughter animals, and your child’s preparedness.

 

Speak to them about the significance of Eid Al-Adha

 

I kindly suggest insha’Allah, that you speak with your children about the significance of Eid Al-Adha and ask your children if they would like to go. In your explanation you should include some details about what will happen. Please do discuss the history and importance of our special holiday with your children, as well as explain the very humane way that we as Muslims slaughter animals.

 

Share your Experiences

 

You may want to reference the experience your child may have, to when you were a child and saw an animal being slaughtered for the first time. The sharing of your experience and feelings may assure your child. This may also open up the door for your children to ask you questions. If your children are unsure, perhaps they can go and visit the farm, yet not watch the slaughter. In this way, you will give them the experience of a farm and the kind people there. They will insha’Allah, also see other children who are running about or playing. This might be an opportunity for a brief bonding time. Seeing other children there may also help to make them feel more comfortable.

 

Assess their Readiness

 

Insha’Allah, assess your children’s readiness, talk with them about the history, significance and the slaughter. Encourage them to ask questions and ask if they would like to come. If there are not ready this year, insha’Allah they will be ready to participate next year. Happy Eid to you and your family!


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