Ask about Parenting - Counseling Session | About Islam
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Ask about Parenting – Counseling Session

Session Guest

Ask about Parenting - Counseling Session - About Islam

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.


Thursday, Jun. 27, 2019 | 08:00 - 10:00 Makkah | 05:00 - 07:00 GMT

Session Status

Session is over.

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]


I am a 17-year-old Muslimah. I caught snuff (smokeless tobacco) in my 15-year-old brother's room today. I do not know how to handle this situation and I don't want to tell my parents. Please pray and give any advice that you think may help me. Notes: I cannot tell my parents because I am afraid that they will not handle it properly and stress over it and ruin their health This fear is based upon past experience (3 years ago I reported him smoking and telling parents only worsened it) He is at the peak of his teenage tantrums and there is no way of talking him out of it



َQuestion 3 Caught snuff(smokeless tobacco) in 15 year old brothers room - About Islam

As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. As I understand your concerns, you found smokeless tobacco in your 15 year old brother’s room. Sister I can imagine this was very upsetting as we do not want our loved ones doing things that can damage their health. While you wish to stop him, you don’t want to inform your parents as you don’t want them to be upset. I understand that you are very concerned with good reason.

 

History of Smoking

 

Sister as you discussed, he was smoking three years ago. When you found out you told your parents and that only made it worse. Thus, you are hesitant to tell them about the smokeless tobacco. Sister it seems as if your brother has been experimenting with smoking and other tobacco products for some time now. It is possible he went from smoking cigarettes to smokeless tobacco, which I am not sure is the Vape or not. Vape has suddenly become very popular among teens.

 

Possible Vaping to Quit Cigarettes

 

While all forms of smoking and tobacco are obviously detrimental to one’s health, smokeless tobacco in the form of a vape (if that’s what you’re talking about), is often used by people who are trying to quit smoking. Perhaps he is trying to quit smoking cigarettes, I do not know.

 

Open Discussion

 

Sister I will kindly suggest insha’Allah that you speak with him yourself. I would approach him in a way that he does not get defensive. You may want to mention that you noticed he is using smokeless tobacco now instead of smoking tobacco, and ask him if he’s trying to quit. You may want to say how proud you are of him if he is trying to quit smoking tobacco.

 

The point of this, is that if you approach him with support (such as you’re happy he’s not smoking cigarettes) it may lead to him trusting you more and opening up to you. If he does begin to trust you in regards to his smoking/vaping, he may be more apt to listen to what you have to say.

Education and Support

 

At this point you may wish to give him literature and talk to him about the hazards of smoking as well as smokeless tobacco. You may wish to suggest other things he can do such as exercise, engaging in a hobby, playing sports, or whatever it is that he is interested in. Perhaps by approaching him with solutions rather than condemnation, he may respond better and you will have a better outcome in regards to helping him.

Conclusion

 

The obvious goal dear sister, is to get him to leave all tobacco products alone. Depending on the length of time that he has been using tobacco products, he is probably addicted. If he is and he does discuss this with you, you may wish to refer him to smoking cessation classes or suggest he talk to the doctor about a patch or other medication to help him quit. Insha’Allah, this is the path he is seeking. We wish you the best you are in our prayers


I am a mother of a 9 years old daughter, over the years my husband has beaten my daughter for various instances e.g. for not obeying, back answering, though my daughter is very loving and understanding. My husband expects perfect behavior from her all the time. He always nags her about her looks her eating habits which at times feel like bullying. She gets irritated and frustrated and at times reply back.

I request him not to say such things then he gets angry on me. The problem is that his ideology of always resorts to hitting. He thinks for anything and everything we should beat. Which I totally disagree. Whenever he hits he turns violent which leaves scars on my daughter skin. I try to protect her by holding him but he still pushes me and beats her when angry. Recently he got so wild and beat her, punched her, pulled her by her hair, caught her by her neck (my heart is sinking when I write this) while I was trying to protect her by holding him but still, he managed to push me and beat her.

My question is as a mother what should I do to protect my daughter? is it abuse? How can I make my husband understand that he is using extreme violence?



Question 2 Is hitting children allowed - About Islam

As salamu alaykum dear sister,

Shokran for writing to us. As I understand your situation you have a 9-year-old daughter. Your daughter is very loving and an understanding child. However, your husband beats your daughter for various reasons such as not obeying, back answering etc. Your husband also expects perfect behavior from her all of the time. You stated that at times he is like a bully.

 

Abusive Father

 

Sister as you know this is a very serious situation. I’m not sure where you live but most countries, states, cities, and regions have very strict laws against abusing children. In addition, as we are Muslim there are very strict laws regarding how to treat children. Abuse is not one of them. It sounds as if your husband has some severe issues of his own. For one to harm a child in this way it’s not normal.

Stop the Abuse

 

I would kindly suggest that you first speak with your husband regarding his violent and abusive ways of dealing with your daughter. Inform him it must stop. If he does not stop abusing your daughter immediately, you and your daughter must leave the home. It is up to you to protect your daughter from your husband. We are all going to be held accountable to Allah for how we treat our children, as well as what we do to keep them safe from harm. It is your obligation as from mother to protect her from harm.

 

Leaving and Finding a Safe Place for your Daughter

 

My dear sister, I can imagine this hurt you very badly. However, you must put your daughter first before your husband right now and get her out of danger. I kindly suggest insha’Allah that you contact family members for assistance and begin separating from your husband. I am not recommending counseling or anger management or any other intervention at this point because of the severity of the situation.

 

Your daughter’s life is at stake. Your husband could kill your daughter. I do not know how long this abuse has been going on, but at nine years old she probably is already psychologically damaged and traumatized from your husband. Please speak with your family members about going back home. If you cannot do this, ask friends or sisters at the Masjid for help. If that is not an option please do call crisis services in your area. If you do seek to leave (which I hope you do), please do not let your husband know what you are planning.

 

Covering your Tracks

 

If you are searching on the internet for resources, please do erase your history. Erase any numbers that you may call so he cannot find out because he may turn on you. Sister I know this is not easy and my heart goes out to you, however my heart first goes out to your daughter. No child deserves to live like this. It is not only unIslamic behavior but it is inhuman. It is a sin.

 

Conclusion

 

Sister, I am sure that you are a very good mother, I can hear in your question your agony and your sadness over the situation. Please do make duaa to Allah for strength to seek the help that you need as well as ask Allah to keep you and your daughter safe. Ask Allah for His mercy. Once your daughter is in a safe place you can discuss with a counselor or a family member the options you may consider.

 

This may include your husband going to counseling, you both going for marriage counseling, a prolonged separation, or even a divorce if he will not change. Please do not worry about these options right now however, your first option is getting your daughter to safety. You both are in our prayers please let us know how you are doing.


Salam, Me and my wife are practicing Muslims living with my mother. My father expired 7 years ago. Since I am the only child of my parents, my mother lives with me.

My mother and her family members are infinitely difficult people to deal with. She is talkative, manipulative, opportunist, occasional liar and ungrateful to any good manner or behavior. Her tongue is like a razor blade with which she can inflict unbearable pain to anyone. I'm her only son but she was never respectful to me ever. When I was a child, she always used to beat me for petty issues. Since my father was a timid person, he couldn't discipline her.

After marriage, I had infertility issues. My mother openly insulted me for that in front of my wife and I didn't reply a word. Right after marriage, she used to insult my wife and her parents just because they were not well dressed in family occasions. My wife never replies back. My wife used to have a panic attack before I would home for office as my mother used to insult her in my absence.

I used to pray to Allah so that he gives me enough patience to bear with my mother. The only reason I still live with her because my loving father requested me in his deathbed to take care of her.

I cannot end talking about my mother. Sometimes she's good and next she says or does something that will break your heart and make you so angry that you start hating her.

She is delusional and makes fake complaints. I always take care of her and bear all medical expenses at posh hospitals but she still makes complaints that I do not and will not take care of her in old age. In her eyes, other guys are better sons but not me no matter how much I try to make her proud. I've always been a good student, introvert and a man of dignity. Her words hurt me so much.

Recently me and my wife have decided not to talk with her much unless there is a necessity because talking to her is risky as she can say any foul thing anytime.

I know my mother is a test for me from Allah and I pray to him to give me strength and sabr to deal with her, but often I get tired of her and wish her death but immediately I repent for such thoughts.

Please let me know whether the way I'm dealing with her now is okay from Islamic point of view and what else can I do.Thanks. Allah Hafiz



Question 1  How to deal with a very toxic mother? - About Islam

As salamu alaykum dear brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having difficult issues with your mother. As you described your childhood however, she was abusive and did not treat you well even as achild. Sadly, your mother did not realize that her abusive ways were destructive and harmful behaviors which she needed to address.

 

Caring for an Abusive Mother

 

As a consequence of not getting help, your mother is still treating you and your family abusively in her old age. May Allah bless you brother for your kindness, taking your mother into your home given the circumstances, as well as providing the best of care for her. While we are to take care of our parents, especially in their elderly years, this presents as a difficult situation given her abuse and disruption of the family dynamics.

 

Options

 

Brother, insha’Allah it may be an option to have your mother stay in her own home or apartment. A lot of families do take this route when there are conflicts at home such as you are describing. While some mothers may not like the idea at first, they often times end up enjoying the independence and privacy. It may also benefit the family in general as there would be less trauma and abuse going on, especially in your situation.

 

Posh Care versus Regular Care

 

I’m not sure about the additional expense that would be incurred, but insha’Allah you and your siblings could split the cost of a small apartment for her. However, as you are already paying for “posh” hospital visits and things such as that, perhaps it would work out in a long run if you rearranged the finances regarding paying for quality care versus “posh” care. The main goal is to ensure her needs are taken care of which could still be accomplished if she had her own place and the “extra’s” or “posh” services were cut back to regular quality care.

 

There is to be no Abuse in Islam

 

Brother, your mother does not have the right to speak abusively to you nor your wife. She is still expected to treat you both with respect and proper adab. Abuse is not to be tolerated in Islam. In the long-term this will cause problems between you and your wife, and possibly interfere with your marriage. It most certainly is not a good example for your children if you have any yet. It is a toxic environment for all.

 

Providing Care

 

Brother, I can imagine that there is a lot of tension at home and it is probably not a very happy place for any of you. I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah, you discuss with your mom the rules of your home and how to treat each other from an Islamic standpoint with proper adab. If she is resistant you may wish to discuss the option of her either getting counseling to help her with her feelings which are causing her abusive behaviors or having her get her own small place. You may wish to reinforce the fact that you will still look out for her and take care of her.

 

Resolving Toxic Situations

 

Insha’Allah, discuss the toxic nature of the home environment in an Islamic context. It is not healthy nor is it illustrative of Islamic behavior. Due to this, the living situation has to be resolved so that everybody can live happily and without drama. I would kindly suggest insha’Allah dear brother, that you do have a discussion with your siblings regarding this. While you are the oldest son, that does not mean that all the financial responsibility has to be on you. It would be an optimal situation if your siblings took part in the care and support of your mother, as they should.

 

Conclusion

 

You sound like a very wonderful son, one that any mother would be proud to have. I pray that one day insha’Allah, your mother does see the blessing and the gift that she has in you. I understand this is a hurtful and difficult situation. However, you do have the right to live abuse free, as does your wife and any children you may have or will have in the future. Please do take steps to resolve the situation, make duaa to Allah for guidance and ease. We wish you the best you are in our prayers


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