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Ask about Parenting (Counseling Session)

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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[email protected]

Thursday, Dec. 06, 2018 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalam o Alaikam.I married a man 16 years older than me who has 3 daughters. 1 daughter was already married and 2 were unmarried. I married one of his daughters with my elder brother who was looking for a wife at the time. Shortly afterward the 3rd daughter got married too. All 3 daughters have got very nice husbands and are leading comfortable lives. A son who is now 12 was born to my husband and I. Over the years I have heard jealous comments about him mostly from the daughter who is married to my brother but I ignored them and never mentioned to my husband as I didn't want him to be hurt.

This summer my husband took our son and me on holiday to 2 countries and then to the UK where 2 of his daughters are settled. Most of my family is in UK too, including my father and brothers. My mother passed away before I got married. I moved to Pakistan from the UK after my marriage.

My husband, myself and our son stayed with my brother who is married to my husband's daughter. My younger brother has got cancer and is going through chemo, my husband and I accompanied him to the hospital to give him moral support. My husband is a very kind and loving person but during this trip he changed. Previously there were conflicts in my family and I wouldn't meet them alot but my younger brothers illness has brought my family closer together so everybody was inviting me but not my husband's daughter because my family said that she has never invited any of my family to her home but has big parties for her friends. My brother who is married to her is not bothered about being invited to family dinners.

My husband started saying that 'If my daughter is not invited I will not go with you.' I was baffled and confused because he has never behaved like this before. Whenever I would come home after meeting my family, I would come home to silence both from my husband and his daughter. Only the children and my brother would speak to me. In a few days, my husband would again be ok with me until I was invited again by my family. His daughter started being rude to me, I would still be eating and she would clear the table so I stopped eating there. She stopped talking to me and filling my husband's ears against me.. he would always be in a bad mood but one day he remarked 'It's as if somebody has done magic on me!

One day my husband tried to resolve the differences between his daughter and I but it just resulted in all her bad feelings coming out towards me. She said I have servants in Pakistan and she has to do work herself, and I don't cook for her when she comes to Pakistan. The fact is that when she comes to Pakistan, her other two sisters also come with their families and it is impossible for one person to cook for so many people in the summer heat so we always hire a lady to do the cooking. Then she complained that my husband and I went out and didn't take her out so my husband said since we've been in London we haven't taken our son out anywhere because of going to the hospital with my younger brother and spending time with him.

She started shouting that we just took him on holiday to two countries and he (her father) never took them abroad anywhere when they were young. I was shocked to hear so much jealousy for our 12-year-old son. Financial circumstances were different for my husband when he was married to their mother and they were small. When my family invited her she did not go and my husband did not go with me. When she wasn't invited she made a big fuss but has never invited any of my family to her home.My brother's and my cousin's were upset and confused at this behaviour and my brother who has cancer, even tried to talk to her to resolve the situation but she didn't listen to him. My husband kept saying 'My daughter, my daughter...' but am I not anybody's daughter. I've ignored so much nonsense from his daughter's since I got married but now I don't want to know any of them. Three generations of my family live in the UK and she said that my family are 'villagers'. She poisoned her other 2 sisters against me but I didn't poison my family against her. I didn't even say anything to my brother who is married to her because I don't want to spoil their marriage.

I would go to family dinners by myself and my eyes would fill with tears why my husband is not speaking to me or accompanying me. Now we have come back to Pakistan and my husband is back to normal but he hurt me too much in London that I don't love him the way I used to. What should I do? How can I have a normal relationship with his daughters when they are jealous of our 12-year-old son? My son doesn't know they have different mothers and he loves his sisters a lot but one day he will have to be told the truth.

Also, there is only around 10 years age difference between myself and his daughters which I feel has contributed to the problem as they compete with me in everything. Please help me.



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session with your concerns and issues. I am very sorry to hear all that you have been going through not only with your stepdaughter. I can imagine it is very hurtful. May Allah swt grant ease.

 

Problems with Stepdaughter

 

As I understand your situation, you married a man who is 16 years older than you. He has three daughters. You and your husband have a son together who is now 12 years old. You state that over the years, you heard about jealous comments about him, mostly from the daughter who is married to your brother.

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While it bothered you, you never mentioned it to your husband because you didn’t want your husband to be hurt. Your stepdaughter has also been rude to you. As you moved from the UK to Pakistan after you were married, most of your family is in the UK. As a result, your husband takes your son and you on holidays to the UK to visit family. On one specific trip, your husband seemed to change. As your younger brother got cancer, it brought the family closer, but it caused problems in other areas regarding your husband’s daughter.

 

Taking the First Step

 

It appears that your husband’s daughter doesn’t get invited to your family events and dinners because they feel that she omits them from her dinner parties. This appears to be trivial misunderstandings which are causing big problems. It may take one person, insha’Allah you sister, to take the bigger step and invite your husband’s daughter to family dinners. While it may at first cause problems with your family, you may wish to explain that as Muslims, this is the Islamic thing to do and you should request that they treat her with kindness. It doesn’t matter how your stepdaughter acts in regard to not inviting your family to dinners, what does matter is how you act and respond as well as your family. Her treatment of your family will be between her and Allah.

 

Hurt and Offended Husband and Stepdaughter

 

It is understandable that your husband may feel hurt or offended if his daughter is not invited to family dinners. However, he should not be rude to you or treat you unkind. He should understand that it is not your fault. You may wish to speak with your husband in regard to the situation, stating that you are in the process of rectifying this with your family.

 

As the situation now is becoming more intense, it needs to be resolved as soon as possible. According to you, both your husband and his daughter started being rude to you, with your husband not speaking to you for a few days. Your stepdaughter also started talking to your husband feeding his mind with bad things about you. Your husband did try to resolve the differences between you and his daughter, but she used this moment as an emotional release for all of her negative feelings and hurt.

 

Healing the Hurt

 

Sister based on what you have written concerning her responses, it sounds like she is feeling very hurt, left out, and jealous. While some of her hurt and anger may be stemming from when she was young, unfortunately, it is coming out now. As you did point out your husband’s financial circumstances were different when he was married to her mother, thus resulting in them living more frugally.

 

Sister, I kindly suggest that you let this situation cool off for a bit now that you are back in Pakistan. When things are calm, I kindly suggest insha’Allah that you speak with your husband. Tell your husband that you love all the children very much (despite how you may feel about his one daughter). Ask your husband if he has any suggestions to resolve the situation. As this is his daughter, he knows her very well and what techniques may help the situation.

 

Ask him to help you work out this issue between you and his daughter. Even if you feel like you do not love her, please for the sake of Allah and for the sake of peace in the family, tell your husband that you do love her, and you want to resolve the relationship. This may mean putting aside differences, jealousies, hurt and moving forward. It may mean having to overlook things such as not being invited to dinner parties. It may mean having to overlook her jealousies, insecurities, and hurt feelings until she can resolve them and heal. By proposing to start the relationship with your stepdaughter on a fresh new page, insha’Allah it may bring great blessings in the future. As you understand that she is hurt, and this is why she acts out, your approach can be different.

 

Moving Forward and Trusting in Allah

 

Once you accept her feelings for being valid in her mind, perhaps you can help her work through them by being loving and supportive despite her being cruel. This is very hard to do sister, but with Allah’s mercy and help, the situation can be rectified insha’Allah. Make duaa to Allah to put love in both of your hearts and to heal the relationship with your stepdaughter. Trust in Allah to repair the differences between you.

 

Conclusion

 

Sister, I encourage you to speak with your husband and ask for his guidance and suggestions to repair the relationship. I also encourage you to put aside family squabbles and disagreements regarding her and focus on building a new relationship with her. It may take a while as there is a history of pain and mistreatment, however with persistence, kindness and patience insha’Allah you and your stepdaughter will be able to have a loving relationship one day soon. In the meantime, try not to look at your husband differently, he is trying to cope with the situation just as you are. While he needs to be more supportive of you, it appears he is doing his best. We wish you the best.


Salam Alaikum. I read that a fetus inside carrier mother gets a soul breathed into it after about 4 months, and when a fetus is alive, what are any changes occurring? How we can tell that a baby is alive? Thank you and sorry for mistakes.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. Your question is of most interest and is a fascinating topic.  Human life and development within the mother’s womb is a beautiful experience and most wondrous. From the moment of conception the embryo, and then fetus-is a developing constantly, alive and growing from within the safety of the womb.  The breath of life or soul according to Islam, is blown into the embryo at about a hundred twenty days of pregnancy. As you correctly stated, this is the fourth month.

 

According to what is known about fetal growth and development, at about 4 months,  the baby grows eyebrows and eyelashes. The baby also has its own fingerprints. The baby may also begin hiccuping and yawning (1). At 4 months pregnant, a woman may feel a few symptoms such as weight gain, more hunger, increased energy, itchiness around the skin of the tummy and breasts, as well as an increasing fullness in the tummy as the baby grows. This miraculous transformation of the woman’s body, as well as the growing baby, is one of Allah swt miracles and gifts to us.

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Regarding if a baby is alive, it is often easy to tell that a baby is alive inside of the mom as you can feel the baby growing. There are symptoms that come with each stage of pregnancy.  In the first three months, the mom may not even know she is pregnant, or she may have morning sickness and not feel well.

 

She may be tired. To determine pregnancy or it’s progress, there are tests they can do in the hospital at different stages of growth.  To confirm pregnancy, tests as early as 4 to 6 weeks can be done by obtaining blood or urine to confirm a pregnancy. Later in pregnancy, tests can be done to see the baby through an ultrasound or sonogram. Monitors can hear the heartbeat as well diagnostic tests can be ordered to determine whether or not there is a problem.

 

Through your reading articles, you may have noticed how science has caught up with Islam in regards to the beautiful nature of embryonic and fetal growth and development. It is a most miraculous progress, one I am sure you are enjoying learning about!

  1. https://www.pampers.com/en-us/pregnancy/pregnancy-calendar/4-months-pregnant

 

 


Thank you so much for your reply to my previous email (https://aboutislam.net/live-session/ask-psychologist-counseling-live-session-2/ (last question)). It has strengthened me enough to seek for divorce. My question now is that what duty do I have towards my kids? After the divorce I will have to move to another country and for at least a few years I will not be able to take my kids with me because they have better financial conditions with their father. Would I be a sinner if I leave them with their father after divorce?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session with your question. We appreciate your expounding upon your previous question with more detail and a resolution. We are glad alhamduillah that we could be of some assistance with your question and situation. May Allah guide us.

 

It appears that you have made up your mind to move to another country. You would like to leave your children with your soon to be ex-husband as his financial situation is better. Your duty to your children sister is multiple. It would be to take care of them financially to the best of your ability. However as you are leaving them with their father as he is in a better financial situation, that may be hard for you for a while.

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I would kindly suggest insha’Allah, that if you do decide to move to another country and leave them with their dad, that you keep regular contact with them. That is part of your duty as well. Call them frequently, video chat, send them little gifts, send them letters, and assure them of your love.

 

The main point would be to keep them close to you through correspondence on a regular basis. During your correspondence whether it be through the mail, phone or video- talk to them about what they are doing in school, news, events, and other regular conversations you would have with them. Also talk to them about Islam, Allah, and family structures, helping them to understand that for these types of situations Allah knows best. As stated above, the other important factor is ensuring them of your love for them.

 

You don’t want them to think that you were leaving them because you want to, nor do you want them to think that is their fault. Please do assure them that you are not abandoning them, but that you are creating a better life for them so that they can be with you soon insha’Allah. It will not be easy on you nor the children, but insha’Allah, you can be reunited soon.

 

As you are leaving your children with your soon-to-be ex-husband, sister I would kindly suggest that you discuss with him your intentions of keeping in close contact with the children on a regular basis when the time is right. You do not want him to think that you do not intend to do that. Nor do you want him to try to cut off communication in the future. I will kindly suggest also insha’Allah, that if you do this, that you seek legal representation and advice. You may want to ask a legal representative about getting something in writing such as a contract concerning your contact with the children. Insha’Allah, this would ensure that in the future their father cannot cut off communication once you leave.

 

Sister, it sounds like you have made some solid choices and are looking forward to starting a new life. Please do make duaa to Allah to guide, protect, and help you in your mission. I am sure sister that once you get settled and adjusted, things will work out very well for you and the children. We wish you the best you are in our prayers.

 


My 6-year-old daughter and I are staying with my mom for past 10 months as my husband is in another part of the country for his job, and also recently my daughter had a major illness, surgery and Alhamdullilah she is good now. My husband had suggested staying with my mom for my daughter's safety. She joined a new un-Islamic school here nearby (previous was an Islamic school) as it only had a vacancy at that time. My child is very smart and intelligent, sensitive child for her age. She gets good grades Alhamdullilah. Recently for the past 2 weeks, she is refusing to go to school saying she misses me and something bad will happen to her mother. And somebody will kidnap me. She doesn't want to separate from me when school time comes. Otherwise no problem the whole time. There is a school problem, no one teasing her or abusing her in school. But recently she has only one friend now. She usually has a lot of friends but another friend after repeatedly bullying my child through hitting in her head was punished by sit separately. Since then all that girl' s friends being many don't talk to my daughter and also now she has only one friend. Also due to her surgery, she doesn't join any school programs which she loves to take part. All this has taken a toll on my child I think. I am reading duas surah baqarah and all but still, she refuses to go to school. She won't eat breakfast on school days. I can't go to school, I am trying but something is stopping me. Please help me out here.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear about the issues you’ve been having with your daughter. Both you and your daughter have been through a lot in the past 10 months, especially your daughter. As you indicated, your daughter had a major illness and surgery.

 

What you did not explain -was what the illness or surgery was. Was it disabling?  Was she in the hospital for long periods? Did she appear sad or withdrawn afterward? I am sure it was very traumatic for her as she is only 6 years old. Children do not process these types of events as we do.   Additionally, your husband has to work in another part of the country so he is not with her. She also is now going to a different school and that is a big change.

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Sister if you look at all the changes that your six-year-old daughter has been through in the past year, it is a lot. Some of it is probably very traumatic for her. The surgery, being separated from her father, moving, as well as going to a new school and losing the friends that she did have are all major life events.

 

While children are usually resilient, sometimes when there are traumatic events upon traumatic events –they have a hard time adjusting emotionally. It may be that your daughter doesn’t want to go to school because she is dealing with a lot of feelings and emotional issues that have not yet been worked through. Additionally, she did experience bullying in school which is added to the past 10 months of traumas and losses. While she is very smart and appears to have adjusted well, perhaps she needs further intervention.

 

I would encourage that you talk to her and ask her questions about the way she feels. I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah, to open up communication with your daughter as to how she feels about all of the events over the past 10 months, you try “art therapy”. You may wish to engage her in a coloring session wherein you say “hey, let’s color a picture about your classroom or (your surgery, dad’s job across the country or moving, etc). The point is to pick an event which you feel may be causing hurt and pain that she cannot talk about or clearly express. With your daughter, you can start a conversation based on the pictures that she draws and colors. They may be very revealing. Children often can put into art what they cannot say in words.

 

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you engage your daughter in counseling. Insha’ Allah, if you decide to do this, you may wish to ask her pediatrician for a referral to a good child counselor. A good counselor will be able to help your child identify and work through what is bothering her. Attachment issues may be involved due to her multiple losses and changes within the past year. Ongoing counseling can help you both address these issues. Insha’Allah the goal is to make your daughter feel safe, secure, and emotionally adjusted so she can appropriately deal with her feelings.

 

Sister, I know this is not easy.  You have been through a lot as well. You are doing the best you can, and it is obvious you love her so much and want her to be happy.  Insha’Allah she will get through this soon.  Please know you’re a wonderful mom.  May Allah make this easy for you, you are in our prayers.