Question #1

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,


It sure is a difficult situation when the one you love dearly, in this case, your mother, is so abusive you. If it were a stranger, or even a friend, it would be much easier to walk away, but this is a close blood kin. Of course as your mother you must respect her as she says, however, this does not give her the position to treat you the way she is.


The doctors are correct, it very much looks like she would benefit from seeing a therapist, as would the entire family. However, if she refuses to attend at this point it becomes much of a challenge. Whilst she may not feel like attending now this may be because she feels pressured to by others. In situations like this it is more ideal to create a situation where she will chose to go herself. She is more likely to follow through and commit this way. This will require a bit of patience on your side for now as she reaches that point. As it is, the situation is not conducive to her making this choice so there are some things you can try to facilitate this.


Try changing the way you deal with her. Of course the natural response when someone says something offensive is to respond back. If the words said were hurtful then generally the response back is also hurtful. However, the best response and one that is prescribed islamically is to respond with something better or to not respond at all. This does not indicate that the things she says are OK, but it prevents a downwards negative spiral from occur and the insults just becoming worse.


It can be incredibly difficult to respond to evil with kind, but the results can be quite unbelievable, after all if someone said kind words to you it would feel pretty strange to say something bad to them, right? Besides, how can she continue to be mean to you if you are only kind to her.


The other option is to quietly walk away without saying anything back at all giving her no fuel to argue back with. It will also give you the space to take a breather and not live with any regrets for saying bad words also. This goes for the other family members too so as not to reinforce her negative behaviour more.


Alternatively, as it is difficult to respond with kind in the heat of an argument, instead make this act of kind be outside of this. Say something kind to her during the day when she is just going about her usual business. This will also lift her own self esteem which is seems may also be lacking. In fact, it may be that the reason she does put you down is a way of lifting herself up, so instead bring her up before she can bring you down and perhaps she wouldn’t then feel the need to say anything insulting to you.


The words that she has said to you are very hurtful and the fact that it has driven you to the point of feeling suicidal is concerning. Aside from being concerned about your dealings with your mother, it is also important that you take time to focus on yourself too. The kind of things she says to you can be very damaging to your self esteem, so for all the negative things she says remember your good points and blessings. Also remember that as a close relative you will be an easy target for her to unleash her anger towards as she knows that as her child you love her unconditionally and will not abandon her despite her terrible behaviour.


This is why she is seemingly comfortable to hurl such abuse towards you with this in mind. Keeping this in mind you can understand that she almost certainly doesn’t mean anything that she says, but is just looking for an easy target to vent her frustrations. Again, this does not make her behaviour OK in anyway, but it helps you to understand why she is being like this to some extent and that you should try not to let such comments bring you down.


Aside from this, take time to focus on yourself. Get out of the home and do the things you enjoy. Do things and be with people that make you feel good about yourself to give your self esteem the lift that it needs. Make this a regular thing so that whilst your mum remains like this you get some regular respite. It may even be that you take to having some extended time away, even just for a weekend to get a longer break.


In sha Allah with time and managing her behaviour as a family she will make the decision to seek therapy herself if she is still feeling some frustrations, or if not, perhaps she will feel more comfortable to talk to someone in the family.


May Allah make things easy for you all and guide her on the straight path. May He bring happiness and contentment in your family in this life and the next.


Thursday, Jan. 01, 1970 | 00:00 - 00:00 GMT

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