Wa alaykum salaam, Teri

This is such a hard question to answer because it is painful for me to hear about. I have been where you are, new to Islam and so open to change when change is necessary, but unsure how much of yourself you have to change.

To answer your question, Islam does not dictate a certain personality type. Some of the companions of Prophet Muhammad were exuberant and brave, some were timid and quiet.

Moses was not interested in public speaking or in addressing powerful people.

Prophet Muhammad did not seek to be a well-known leader of armies or an entire new religion, and he had no ambition for power when he received the revelation.

The fact is that much of what motivates people to say these things is culture and culture alone. There is no quintessential Muslim or Muslima model that we can all fit ourselves into.

If you have a more reserved personality, use this to your advantage and invite people to Islam through your kindness once you have gotten to know them well enough to feel comfortable.

If having guests over daily is not your idea of a good time, don’t feel pressured to. You have every right to decide how much interaction you are comfortable having, and being shy in this day and age may make you feel strange, but it does not mean you are wrong or bad.

So while hospitality is a very positive trait in a Muslim, so is modesty and tranquility. If being more quiet and more shy keeps your heart tranquil, don’t feel pressured to change.

I myself suffered with the flip-side of this: I was “too outgoing” “too friendly” and “too smiley” when I first converted. I was told that a modest Muslim woman does not behave this way.

I can tell you now: there is no evidence that smiling and being friendly to people is wrong for a Muslim woman, and neither is being shy or reserved.

So long as you are fulfilling the rights of your Muslim brothers and sisters by protecting their dignity and property, as well as returning their salaam—saying wa alaykum salaam when they say Salaam to you—then you are doing what you should do. If they need help, you should do your best to help them, but not above and beyond what is natural for you.

Being a woman and being Muslim means you are being scrutinized and held to standards that your male/non-Muslim counterparts are typically not held to, and I ask Allah to make it easier for both you and I!