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Ask The Counselor Session

Hannah Morris
02 November, 2019

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Friday, Oct. 25, 2019 | 14:00 - 15:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I had a relationship with my best friend for 2 years. We used to be very happy together as he understood me so well. But then one day his family knew about our relationship and then the problem started. We could not continue our relationship due to his family issues.

So, we broke up and we promised each other that after the completion of our study and after being established, we will try to make his parents understand that we love each other. He is a humble and nice guy. He has no bad habit of smoking or taking drugs etc. He respects me and my family.

So after the very bad situation we broke up and got separated. I pray for getting married with him everyday. I pray tahajjud as well. But it is so painful for me to stay away from him as we Have no contact now . Now my question is, how can I be able to lead a normal life? I Only feel peace wheb I complete my praye. And can I make dua to get married with him?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is evident that this situation is causing you much pain. You were best friends with another man for many years but once your families found out about this you had to break off the friendship for now until your studies are complete. After which time you have promised yourselves to one another. However, the pain you face now is being without him in the meantime.

 

The first thing to un2here is that you have done the right thing in going your separate ways. A relationship like this with other than your spouse outside of marriage is not acceptable. As you have seen first hand such relationships can easily lead to the development of feelings beyond just friendship. It is such feelings that can quickly get out of hand and lead to sin. Therefore you have done the right thing in walking away  ow before even bigger sins were committed etween you.

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It is these strong feelings that you developed for him that has lead to the feelings of sadness that you are experiencing in his absence as you wish to be with hi again. Keeping this in mind you should realise that any du’as you make for you to get married to him will be tainted by the feelings that you have for him. Even if he is not meant for you and all the signs point to the same then you will be blind to them as a result of your feelings for him. You will not notice any signs that suggest that you should not proceed with marriage to him, or you will take those strong feelings you have as a sign that you should therefore leading you to distorted conclusions. For example, you say that he is a good man with good character and behaviour, but are your positive interpretations of him solely a result of your feelings for him which also mask that negatives too? It would normally be suggested to make istikhara on matters like this but it is likely that you correct feelings may distort any genuine conclusions.

 

A way to overcome this would be to introduce a third party. Someone to represent you and have your best interests at heart. Let that person analyse the situation with neutral eyes not being biased by their love or feelings for him.

 

If this person is also in agreement that this man is a good man and a suitable spouse for you then perhaps you might push for an earlier nikkah without having to wait until your studies are complete. Whilst it is desirable that they are complete first it is not necessary and if you are sure it’s the right thing to do on the advice of your loved one too then it is not necessary to wait to perform the nikkah. If he is the good man that you say he is then he certainly has the most desirabke characteristics of a spouse. If this is the route you take then do make sure to proceed with caution. The fact that you developed the feelings before hand and that your parents knew of this relationship may cause difficulties in your marriage such as a lack of trust between you due to having had a relationship with each other outside of marriage there may be fear that the other spouse could do the same again with someone else. The same feelings may be present in extended family members also.

 

May Allah guide you to. Make the best decision for yourself and that which is most pleasing to Him. May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

 

Assalamu alikum...As I have come to know you are a good counsellor.I have a big hope that you can solve my problem by guiding me.From last 2 years I am suffering that disease will catch to me so worried about it feeling like if a disease comes how IAM so so worried and in grief that I cannot explain it in words.

I used to pray Allah in a good way before now also I'm praying bt no confidence and tawalkul in him IAM trying hard to come back that tawakkul bt in my mind different questions arises and IAM feeling that Allah is with me or not I am feeling that no one is there not at all feeling content .And to talk to any one IAM fearing feeling I might have said some thing wrong or iam a bad person not at all feeling that IAM good person.Ian going through really tough time I have visited doctor also bt of no use.plz plz guide me IAM really in need



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

We all face different challenges in life be it in our relationships with others, finances, or health amoungst many others. In your case your struggle is with your health. This struggle seems to have caused you to face spiritual difficulties leading to discontent as you feel you have lost your sense of tawakul. It may seem like a hopelessness scenario on the surface, but alhamdulilah, the fact that even recognize the problem is a great start. The fact that you ha e noticed that this is what is making you feel so low and causing you to have some catastrophic thoughts puts you in a strong position to overcome this.

 

Right now you ar feeling very low and uncomfortable due to your health condition and lack of tawakkul. You can tackle this from both an Islamic and psychological approach that will, in sha Allah, help to change your thoughts and feelings and boost your eman and tawakkul.

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From an Islamic standpoint we know that much is said relating to the trails that we face in this life. If we take these messages in board it becomes a lot easier to endure difficulties such as health problems for His sake. Keep the following brief points in mind when you ponder over your situation.

 

  • Allah doesn’t test people beyond their capacity so feel confident in the knowledge that He Knows you are strong enough to get through this.
  • For every pain and difficulty you experience as a result of your condition Allah will exercise His Mercy on you and forgive your sins. To endure life’s difficulties is a means of purification.
  • Allah tests those He loves most. You only gave to look at the Prophet (saw) and the most beloved to Allah to see how much He tested them far beyond anything that we have to endure. Yet, these are those of our pious predecessors who will be granted the highest station in Jannah, in sha Allah.

Considering this wisdom behind why Allah causes us to suffer in one way or another can be a useful boost as you come to appreciate your trial for all the unseen positivities that they yield.

 

Another thing to consider is the thoughts and feelings you have regarding the matter and try and replace them with more realistic and positive ones. For example, you said ‘I am a bad person’. I want to challenge you to take a look at this statement alone to start with. What does it mean to be a bad person? And what exactly makes you think that you are a bad person? Are you always a bad person, or are you a good person sometimes too? Do others think you are a bad person? What does it mean to be a good person? Do you do things that a good person would do? If you saw someone or knew someone with a disease or even disability would you think that they are a bad person just because of their ailment? After you have consi3these things ask yourself again if you are a bad person. Challenge your other negative thoughts in this way also and you will soon come to realise firstly how erroneous your thoughts are, but also how your current thinking is making you feel so terrible about yourself.

 

In addition to how these thoughts about yourself are affecting how you feel they are also the thoughts that make developing tawakkul difficult. After all, how can you trust in Allah if you feel so worthless yourself. Once you start thinking more positively, realistically and rationally about yourself you will find that it is a lot easier to develop that tawakkul once more. This, along with more positive thoughts of Allah’s decree for you as listed above will be beneficial to you moving forward with more confidence and contentment with yourself and Allah’s plan.

 

May Allah grant you good health and the patience and strength to endure what He has ordained for you.

About 3 months ago my family did my nikkah with some one who has a born issue with his leg. They did it when i said yes. Before nikkah i haven't met him and i had no issue with his leg. My family didn't impose this nikkah on me. Before this nikkah i was interested in some one else from more thn 7 yeas. But his Family was not agree to marry his son to me. They were rich and arrogant about being rich. They came to my house for proposal about 1 year 3 months ago and rejected me after going back from my home. I went into depression badly. How I took myself out of it only i know.

After my nikkah when i met my husband and saw him a bit limping while walking, i felt so disheart. Even he is very nice but i do not like talking to him... Everything is fine in this nikkah but the only thing which gives me tension is when he limps while walking. I met him once after my nikkah and i cried alot after meeting him.

And to be honest i am not able to get that man (whom i loved) out of my heart and mind. His family is now agree for me and they say to break this nikkah and marry their son... But now my family said we will not do this at any cost. I am not happy with this nikkah but i feel so bad when i think of hurting my in laws by breaking this nikkah as they give me so much respect and love. I am stuck between my happiness and breaking hearts of so many people by breaking this nikakk. Please guide me right path .... Should i break this nikkah or not?

Should i go back to that man and his family who rejected me first badly.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

You were interested in a man for some time but his arrogant family rejected you which made you feel so bad that you entered a state of severe depression. Alhamdulilah, you found you way out and married someone else but unfortunately you are having a hard time developing a love for him due to his limp and that you don’t much like to talk to him. You are contemplating ending the marriage already due to this although your family disagree with this as an option too.

 

The fir2thing to think about here is if this situation is one that really warrants getting a divorce. If the issue really is only his leg then you should really take some time to think about what is most important in a marriage. Would you rather be with a good man from a respectable family with a physical ailment? Or would you rather be with an able-bodied man who does not have manners and comes from a family that doesn’t respect you. On the surface the latter may seem appealing, but in the lo2term this would cause you much stress. With the former however, you could feel more confident that you will live a com2life and be treated well by your spouse as well as being respected by his extended family.

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You have only been married to this man for 3 months so you should at least give him a chance. Don’t let his limp prevent you from spending quality time with him, getting to know him. Whilst you still ha e this other man in your heart this will be preventing you from developing feelings for your husband which may be why you are feeling the way you are towards him and not enjoying talking to him – because you have another man in your heart. If you spend more time with your husband you will in time develop feelings for him and those for the other man will fade. To reach this stage though you must be willing to out the work in and try. Do fun things together that will nurture the love between you, go out for dinner, go somewhere beautiful and enjoy the scenery together, identify your similarities and dwell on them. Create memories to look back in and same at. Find happiness in this marriage by giving it a chance and working on it. When you find happiness there you will no longer feel  like you have to chose between happiness and breaking hearts.

 

Perhaps you might set a mental time scale. Since you have only been married for 3 months perhaps you will give yourself 6 more months of trying to make it work first before considering the option of a divorce again. It may be that the love blossoms and you no longer feel there is a choice to be made as you are content in your new marriage. If you are still not content after another 6 months then you could assess the situation again in terms of strengths and weaknesses of each of your possible choices.

 

When trying to make such an important decision the best thing you can do is take it to Allah. Pray istikhara and if this marriage really isn’t meant to be then He will facilitate you moving in and if it is, He will place the love between your hearts that you will find contentment with him and will happily continue the marriage.

 

May Allah guide you to make the decision that is best for you and your husband as well as being most pleasing to Him.

So, I am a 19-year-old, university student. i know this question that i am about to ask is quite common on this page but even after following the solutions(/advice) from the counselors from similar questions on this page I wasn't able to solve my issue. so the thing is right now i am in the 2nd year of my university and i am quite socially active , i work hard and am involved in a lot of activities , but from the past few years my sexual urges have grown to the point that holding them is near to impossible ,

this has often lead me to masturbation but i have tried keeping myself busy with my student life to the point of exhaustion and even fasted , despite all that i feel like these were temporary solutions as i would feel weak only that particular day i fasted but the next day when i was not fasting my urges came back , and yes i pray all my salah on time, including tahajjud namaz . i do pray to allah a lot for this , i feel like this is an increasing problem among Muslim youth, i come from a well educated and alhamdullilah practicing muslim family. i did think about marriage as an option but given my age this seems very unlikely. another issue was that during high school(i am making a long story short )

i did fell in love with a fellow Muslim girl and wanted to ask her hand for marriage, so i did i approach my parents for that, as the girl was also interested and we ended up getting close (we did not commit Zina but we were extremely close) and then things didn't work out , this broke me as i have a high regard for my chastity , i begged allah to forgive me and now allhumlliah it took me 1 year almost to recover but i am doing quite well .

comming back to the main question, regarding marriage i did talk to my parents (1 year ago) as they are my caretakers and we found out that no one would give their daughter to a student (despite the fact that i come from a realtivy alhamdullilah financially well off family ) . i do wish to get married , but i feel like all my doors are closed, i try to read Quran everyday but i still can't deal with this issue due to my high libido (which is very natural )

note i don't have any addiction as per say , i turn away when ever i see something inappropriate even while woking in events if i see a girl wearing in apprioate clothes i will turn the other way. please guide me how should i deal with this



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister brother,

 

It is evidenct that you are facing an intense struggle with your desires right now but, alhamdulilah, you are doing all the right things to try and overcome this and are following all the advice that would be given to someone in your situation.

 

Since you are doing all the right things to curb your urges but still have the desire the next approach would be to seek marriage as you have, but you also cite difficulties with this too.

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In the immediate moment you must continue with all your acts of ibadah as you are as they are the best means to control yourself for now as guided by Allah. Continue to lower your gaze  pray, fast often, keep busy with constructive things to keep you busy and read your Qur’an regularly. Another thing you might try is to even start up a new hobby, try something new. This may provide you with more of a challenge to keep you more distracted than perhaps a regular hobby that you do does. As well as keeping yourself busy try to be with others as much as possible to avoid being in a space where you may be tempted. Likewise, whilst trying to be with others, try to avoid the places where you would be more likely to see tempting things. Additionally, you could increase your acts of worship as a means to bring you even closer to Him as well as instilling the fear of His punishment in mind at all times.

 

Aside from this, don’t give up on seeking a spouse. Certainly it is less common for sisters to want to marry a student simply because they are not always in a stable position to start a family yet, however, it is not unheard of. Sisters have the same desires at this age and therefore there are some that will desire to marry even as a student if you can demonstrate piety  – a quality that is superior to stability. Let it still be known that you are still searching and even put the word out to wider means such as your local masjids.

 

Try also working on your mindset. At present you are feeling like all your doors are closed which may lead you to a sense of hopelessness. If you feel like this you will be more vulnerable to the traps of Shaytan as you will feel that if there is no options for you anymore then there’s no point in trying to maintain your chastity. However, if you start looking at things more positively and embracing this situation as a test from Allah that you know you are strong enough to conquer for His sake then you will press on with a strong heart avoiding sin for His sake whilst you await the opportunity for marriage as soon as possible. Have faith that Allah knows what’s best for you and when and will send that to you at the time is right, but for now your test is to prove to Him that you are worthy of Him by showing your ability to refrain from sin and the most challenging of times. Be confident in His reward for your remembrance of Him in adherening to His commands.

 

May Allah make things easier for you and grant you a righteous spouse when the time is right who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Sister, at times I feel like if I was not doing one aspect of Islam. Sometimes, I feel like not doing Islam at all. There are times when we joke with other non mahram men. I am confused if I do things right or wrong.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Everybody’s level of faith goes up and down. This is even so even amongst the most pious of people. The most important thing is how you manage this. It is important not to let the whispers of Shaytan get to you. The most dangerous of which are not those that tell you to commit big sins, but are actually the ones that just encourage you to do the small, seemingly most innocent of things. It is these things that gradually open the door to bigger sins. For example, in the example you are giving, it is not acceptable to free mix with non mahram men. It may seem quite innocent at the time because you are not actually engaged in any physical acts with one another and nor do you probably have the intention to either.

 

However, this seemingly can easily and subtly lead to more serious sins. So you can see how such a seemingly mi or thing can lead to something even bigger and why it is actually more dangerous than the bigger sins. Relating to this matter in particular as it is one that you have mentioned, it is easy enough to avoid this altogether by keeping yourself busy and entertained in halal ways. If you can satisfy your needs for such pleasures then you wouldn’t feel any need to search for it in ways that are less acceptable.

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Likewise, to feel like you are not following Islam because you have not adhered to one aspect of Islam is a similar example. When you now tell yourself that you are not following Islam at all due to a single aspect then this may make you feel that you might as well not complete any of your obligations at all and therefore it makes it a lot easier for you to do things like hanging out with non mahram men because in your mind you are not following Islam at all so it doesn’t make a difference. As you can see this over exaggeration in your mind about your state of mind can lead you to behave in ways to match what you think about yourself. This is something that can fixed by changing your thoughts about yourself. Ask yourself this; just because you are neglecting one part of your Deen, does that mean you have to neglect the rest? For example, just because you chose not to read the Qur’an or pray any sunnah prayers today, does that mean you are not following Islam at all?

 

Just because you didn’t pray Fajr today does that mean you are not following Islam? You may say that the latter example is more serious and may constitute leaving Islam, however, you have choice to repent and ensure you do make your prayers in the future and still conduct yourself in line with all aspects  of Islam. Alternatively, if you take the mindset that missing this one prayer means you are not following Islam at all then you will be left feeling that there is no point in adhering to Islam at all and will let go of anything that you are adhering to and fall into sin without concern or guilt for your actions.

 

When you feel distant from the Deen and like there is no point in following Islam it can be difficult to pick yourself back up again. It can be especially overwhelming if you have distanced your self from the Deen bit by bit and gotten involved in things that are not in line with Islamic principles. However, if you keep in mind that Allah is the most forgiving and the most Merciful you can get yourself back on the path and find contentment in Islam in every aspect. This is a process that will generally be more successful if you take it step by step rather than diving into it all at once. Gradually increase your prayers, then the amount of sunnah prayers you pray, the amount of time spend reading quran, making dhikr.. Etc..

 

If you do too much at once then you may feel overwhelmed and take a step back. Also, make sure to be with good people who will support you in your journey and encourage you on the path and to do good deeds. As you tread this path back to the Deen you will begin to realise the beauty of Islam once more and even begin to wonder how you could have questioned it at times too.

 

May Allah guide you on the straight path and make you journey easy. May He reward your efforts and may you find contentment on your journey in Islam.