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Ask the Counselor (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
11 January, 2018

Salamu ‘alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

The answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]

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Tuesday, Jan. 16, 2018 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-salamu alaikum, I am a 21-year-old university student. My question is what to do if people rejected you and don't want to talk to. I feel very distant from people; whenever I talking with people they don't want to listen to what I am saying to them. I am very alone and I don't know why. I am facing rejection of people I personally feel I am not worthy and often drown in anxiety. Please do answer my question I am living very depressed and alone life and it's hard!



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Feeling like you have no connection with anyone, and especially that they might be rejecting you will naturally make you feel depressed. This feeling will be exacerbated further as you fave the daily stresses that come with studying, trying to get the best grades and quite possibly also facing the financial difficulties and being absent from family that often comes with being a university student.

 

In this scenario, a good place to start is to step back and try and see things from a different angle. Are these people really rejecting you? Is it really that they dislike you? What is it that they are doing specifically that is making you feel that they are rejecting you? Or is this just the way you are interpreting their behaviour towards you?  Quite often in these cases the latter is true.

 

It is likely that they are not actually rejecting you at all, but this is the way you are perceiving their behaviour. What evidence do you have to confirm that they are rejecting you? Ask yourself for what other reasons might they be behaving in such a way. University life comes with many challenges. It may be that their attitudes are simply a result of the stress of university life and therefore they are not interested in being social. Maybe they have a lot of work to complete and therefore have little time for social activities.

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Maybe their financial status is difficult as it is for many students and this is causing the added stress, or they fear going out anywhere as they have no money to do so. It may also be that they are also feeling down being away from family and so feel like being alone and not integrating. It may be that they simply don’t share much in common with you and therefore don’t feel like they have much to talk to you about. This is nothing that you should be sad about, sometimes people just don’t click because they are so different and there is nothing wrong with this also.

So, as you can see, there are many other reasons why they may be seemingly uninterested in engaging with you, so it’s not necessary to take it out on yourself or blame it on your own deficits, but instead, try and see things from their side.

 

It seems you have a song desire to be with others as you are feeling lonely and this is making you feel depressed. If the people you are trying to talk to are not responding, then there is nothing to stop you from seeking friendship and companionship elsewhere. Most universities have clubs and societies that are open for all students to join, or if there is nothing appropriate where you are, then your local mosque will likely also have some kind of regular activity going on.

 

Either way, get yourself involved in doing something that you enjoy to do. This will serve multiple purposes. Firstly, it will be a great way to boost your self-esteem and sense of worthiness as you do something fun and achieve new goals, but it will also get you mixing with other like-minded people.

 

It is easier to mix with those who share similar interests to you as you will have this, at least one common interest and be able to talk competently about this with a passion. This will naturally get the conversation flowing and will lead to non-related talk also and the development of a friendship. Furthermore,  even if you don’t speak to people at first, it gives you the chance to be in the company of others which will also make you feel less lonely.

 

May Allah make it easy for you and relieve you from your feelings of depression and loneliness.

 

As-salamualikum warahmathullah, I was divorced since 6 months. And My parents are looking up for proposals to get me married. Even I am also looking to get married to a suitable partner In sha Allah. But when proposals come and when we take further steps towards to know about the partner, I am scared of the person's character and behavior and I feel "would this person be like the previous one" " Is this person lying to us, and so many other kinds of negative thoughts" How should I overcome this?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Masha Allah, you are now seeking marriage proposals and alhamdulilah, you’re parents are supporting you in doing so. Unfortunately, however, after a bad experience in the past, you are finding this process difficult for fear of being hurt again as you were in your previous marriage.

 

This is a normal response especially since it is not that long since you were divorced. However, at the same time, we know how important marriage is and so it is also encouraged to get married again. Naturally, you will be especially anxious about making sure to select the beat suitor who will be good to you. There are a few things you can do to try and make this situation easier.

 

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The first thing is to feel confident that you also have the support of your parents. They will be able to serve as a second pair of eyes. They will be able to make judgments about your proposals without being tainted by the hurt that you are feeling as a result of your past experience. As their daughter, they only want what’s best for you so you can trust that they will be doing their best also to ensure that you select only the best person who they feel will be good for you based on his character and what they know of you.

 

When meeting with proposals, make sure to have the most important factors in mind when judging if he is the right one. The most important features being that of piety and righteousness. A man who is pious and close to Allah will treat you well, in accordance with Islamic values which we know are perfect. If he is this way, then you can feel confident that he will be good to you.

 

If you fear that maybe he is not as pious as he seems and you are worried he is lying to you, then there are things you can do to be more sure this doesn’t happen. Your parents can speak to his friends and family to get a better idea of the background he is from and what he is really like and if the way he behaves in your meetings are true of him.

 

Furthermore, you could arrange several meeting with anyone you are interested in. This will give you a better chance to get to know him in the correct way and be more sure about his character. This will enable you to be me confident that he is a good person and the right one for you.

 

Mst importantly, whilst going through this process make istikhara. Ask Allah to guide you to the man who will be good for you. This way Allah will place obstacles in the way of marrying someone who is not good for you and facilitate everything in moving forward with the one who is. Be confident in Allah’s guidance. Once you make istikhara you can feel satisfied that Allah will guide you in the direction that is best for you.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

I am from a disturbed childhood and had an affair before marriage. I have a low self-esteem. I am also very impatient and emotional type. My husband is a nice guy. But he is not as romantic as I wanted. After fourteen years of my marriage, I get involved with one of my male colleague, who is a poet. I was dysthymic and had depression before. But when I got involved with that guy I become so depressed. I told everything to my hubby. He supported me a lot. There were lots of suffering of my hubby , my children and whole of my family. I was so depressed that doctor suggested me to admit in a mental hospital. After some recovery, I again contact that person. The person whom I got involved is a Hindu and I saw him three times following Ishtekhara. Now, I am in guilt feelings and depression. I consider myself for all the bad things that happened to my family. I love my husband but feel like that I am being selfish to him.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

It sounds like you are carrying a lot of guilt around for your past sins and this is continuing to make you feel continually depressed. However, Allah is the most Merciful so you can trust that there is a way out of this. Stepping up and admitting your problem and seeking help as you are doing here is an excellent first step in overcoming your difficulties. Masha Allah you also say you have a supportive husband and this will also be a huge help in your recovery.

 

The first thing to do is to go back and consult the root of your problem, which in this case appears to be your involvement with another man. People who have low self-esteem as you report will often find ways to boost their esteem to make them feel better about themselves.

 

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One way this can be achieved is to get the attention of a member of the opposite sex. Since you got involved with another man, it seems this might be a way in which you unconsciously sought to have your self-esteem needs met. Unfortunately, this has to lead to even worse consequences as you now have to face the guilt of having committed a sin and betraying your husband.

 

Remaining on this aspect alone, for now, it is suggested that you find alternative ways to boost your self-esteem. This way you won’t feel such a need to do it in ways that are not permissible and cause ongoing harm to yourself and others. Take some time to think about things that you are good at or even something that you want to improve on that you just like to do.

 

Take time out each day for yourself to engage in this activity, whether it be some kind of sport or recreational thing, or something like studying or improving your Qur’an recitation skills. Either way, this will give you time to yourself each day to do something that makes you feel good. Set yourself weekly goals with this activity to give yourself a sense of accomplishment as you achieve these goals.

 

This sense of achievement is a good way to boost your self-esteem in a positive and halal way. This will also then prevent you from seeking other ways to have your self-esteem needs met that are less favorable.

 

Alhamdulilah, your husband was understanding and has stood by your side and been supportive. This is a sign of a good husband, which you know as you are happy with him and love him dearly. However, you do also say that he is not as romantic as you’d like him to be. It may be that this is also a contributing factor to your poor self-esteem too as you are interpreting this perhaps to mean that perhaps he doesn’t love you as much as you would like for example.

 

You a need to understand that there are many people, both men and women, that just simply aren’t inclined towards romance, or at least to be the initiators of romantic gestures. This does not mean that they don’t actually love anyone, it is just a trait. Likewise,  it also doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t want to be romantic. It would just be that their shy nature makes them feel uncomfortable to do so.

 

If this is the case then there is no harm in you trying to initiate the romantic gestures. Once he experiences it and comes to love it, he may surprise you some time and be the one to be romantic towards you.

 

Most importantly, amongst all this, you can ease your worries with the remembrance of Allah. With the primary issue here seemingly being your guilt about your past, begin by sincerely repenting to Allah and asking for His forgiveness. Allah loves to forgive and loves when people repent to Him.

 

Allah is the most Merciful, so it is important that as you ask for His forgiveness, you trust that He will forgive you. This will also help to relieve the emotional burden that you are experiencing. Getting close to Allah generally will bring you comfort as well as developing a fear of Him that will prevent you from behaving in ways that are less favorable again in future.

May Allah ease your burdens and bring you comfort. May He bless your marriage and may you find peace and contentment in His remembrance.

 

Assalamu aliakum,I am a Muslim sister, I am married for a year know. My husband doesn't care about me; he doesn't give me anything since we get married. He always takes my money without my informing me, if I send him for shopping and spend outside for some nights. Sometimes he prays and if he did he doesn't go to the mosque. Kindly advice.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is understandable why these things would make you feel upset as you would expect your spouse to take care of you and spend time with you. It is especially concerning also that he is not praying. There are however some ways in which you can try and ease the situation.

 

Firstly, regarding his behaviour towards you. Have you tried actually talking to him about it? Maybe he doesn’t even realize that you feel this way and therefore doesn’t feel like he is doing anything wrong. If he is not aware that you feel this way then he is unlikely to do anything to change. If this is the case, you might want to begin by talking to him about it gently.

 

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He might feel upset by what you say, so make sure you approach calmly without getting angry,  so do make sure that you are in a good frame of mind at the time and he also. Given the things that make you upset, maybe you could begin by organizing some time together. The time that is locked out for just the 2 of you. Even if it’s just once a week to do something together. This will give you the chance to bond and for you to feel special rather than feeling he spends too much time with his friends.

 

It’s also important to understand things from his side too. If it is that he is working long hours, then maybe he feels comfortable to just hang around with his friends for some time to get some head space away from work. He has no responsibilities to fulfill with his friends, so understand that this is a reason why he may feel more relaxed with them after a hard day at work.

 

As mentioned before, this does not mean that he should always be with them and therefore you could organize a certain day each week for just the 2 of you too. This will be something that you can only attain by actually a dressing it with him. Maybe you dot even have to directly say to him that you want him to spend less time with them, but simply propose that you do something together once a week. Additionally, regarding the shopping, maybe this is also something you can try to do together.

 

Regarding him not praying. It might be that him not praying and having that close connection with Allah is what is making him behave in less favourable ways. Everyone experiences dips in eman at some point or another and as his spouse, you are in a good position to gently encourage him. If you are comfortable too, you could be direct and up front about it and advise him that he should be praying and remind him of why.

 

In most cases, this is not an easy option, so it may be that a more indirect approach is more appropriate and will be me effective. Firstly, leading by example is a good place to start. You continue to fulfill your duties and keep on praying and do so in front of him that he may be inspired to start praying again. You could even take it a step further and let him know when it’s time to pray and invite him to join you.

 

Furthermore, you can encourage him to engage in other acts of worship that will serve the purpose of softening his heart and bringing him closer to Allah. Once he reaches this point, he is more likely to begin praying again by himself without the need to be told directly or indirectly that he should be praying. So, for example, it might be that you start doing some sunnah fasts on Mondays and Thursdays if you can and you can invite him to join you, or alternatively, you might begin an Islamic course online and ask if he will join you so you can work on it together.

 

These things will also serve another hidden purpose as well. As well as softening his heart to Islam it will also provide opportunities for the 2 of you to spend more time together doing something that you can bond over and enjoy each others company working towards a common goal.

 

May Allah guide your husband on the straight path and may He bring you both contentment and happiness in your marriage.

I find it difficult to accept any marriage proposal, whoever comes to seek my hands in marriage I always see fault in them and refuse to marry. Please what should I do to save me from this and I really want to marry this year?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Marriage is a big commitment, so it’s only natural to feel anxious about who you pick to be your partner. This is someone that, in sha Allah, you will be with for the rest of your life. As a result, of course, we want to be 100% sure this person is right for us. Unfortunately, the anxieties around this can often make it difficult for people to actually find a spouse as they set their agendas too high for fear of facing disappointment in the future for some reason or another.

 

Obviously, you have a list of criteria that you would like your spouse to meet, but quite often we make this list too strict a guideline to ever find a spouse that ticks every single box. If there is just one thing missing, then they are ruled out and rejected. There a couple of ways to overcome this issue. Firstly, by narrowing Dow your criteria and basing your judgment just on the most important things and leaving all the smaller things. Secondly, remembering the importance of marriage and the protection it brings, regardless of if the spouse fulfills our own desirable characteristics.

 

Regarding narrowing down your criteria, you will likely find that those small things don’t even matter anyway. You’ll discover new traits that you come to adore and the traits that you desired and he has will outshine those that he is seemingly lacking. It is said that the mat important thing to marry a man for is his piety. If you meet a man that has this characteristic then the rest is quite irrelevant.

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Marrying a good pious man will enable you to lead a comfortable life with a man that will take care of you in the way it is prescribed by Allah; the most perfect way. If this is all he offers you over every thing else then you can be sure that you will happy even if he does let have all the other traits that you were hoping for.

 

Secondly, remember the reasons why Allah tells us to marry. Look at the numerous benefits marriage brings that would not otherwise be attained when single. Spouses are described as garments for one another in the Qur’an. Spouse protect us from committing sins as they can meet each others needs in a way that is pleasing to Allah. We all have numerous needs, emotional, physical and psychological and a spouse can provide all these.

 

When one is not married having these needs met is more difficult and quite frequently leads people to sin by entering into haram relationships to have them met. Having a spouse provides that sense of comfort and support on a constant basis, that is a lot more difficult to attain without being married.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.