As-Salaamu ’Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh My dear sister in Islam,

In Islam, parents do not have the right to refuse a potential spouse on the basis this man’s parents are using (his need to finish school). The only sound basis for refusing a marriage offer is evidence against the potential spouse’s religious beliefs and character (like if you were an atheist or if you had a bad character like you were a pathological liar, or thief, or adulterer.

Furthermore, as far as I know, if parents do not allow their children to marry young and, as a result, their children commit zeena, the sin will be on them on the Day of Judgment! But please confirm this information with the scholars on this website because my role is as a counselor, not a religious advisor.

Regarding his parents, I suggest that he educates them first and give them a chance to change their idea of what the correct Islamic practice is in this case. Then, if they still won’t agree to the marriage, he will have the right to disobey them.

Allah (swt) says in the Quran:

„But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not, but behave with them in the world kindly…” (31:15)

He has the right now, but he should try to marry you in a way that is not in disobedience to his parents, if at all possible. Telling them the Islamic laws around this issue may help make it a smoother transition, in Sha’ Allah.

Lastly, I want you to know how beautiful and valuable it is for you to have a person whom you love and really want to marry. We live in an era where marriage is being sorely tested. Shaitan’s most prized work is divorce and he is gaining a lot of success these days!

For cultural reasons that are not Islam, people are being forced by their parent into marriages where there is no love. And vice versa: people are not allowed to marry when there is! Divorce takes place over 50% of the time because people do not know how to do marriage and because people are being forced to marry for the wrong reasons. So, you should be celebrating the beauty and value of your relationship with this brother and working to make it happen. Do not let ignorance of Islam win the day. Stand up for your rights – in a nice way – and gain the good. Don’t let it get away from you!

Also, there is no sin in talking to him with your relatives on the line! You can talk to him as much as you need to determine if you want to marry him or not. Once you know that you want to marry him (which you already know), then you should take your vows. As for last option, you might want to make your vows on Skype while having two trustworthy witnesses with you. Of course, it would be best if he got his parents permission first. But if he can’t get it, he has the right to marry you anyway because their reason for refusing you –or even marriage at all—are wrong.

Since you can’t consummate your marriage yet (have marital relations/sex) because of physical distance, this is a great opportunity for you to get to know each other better by talking alone and privately on the phone with each other. That way, if for any reason you discover that you do not want to consummate the marriage with him, you can still end the marriage relatively easily as compared to if you had consummated it.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!