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Abuse, Sexual Desires & Young Love (General Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
21 September, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Wednesday, Sep. 26, 2018 | 09:00 - 09:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamu Alykum. Could you please help me on how to control my anger, because when I'm angry I forget everything to control it as mentioned in many Ahadith.



as salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session with your most important concern. Anger is an issue for a lot of people. It is often hard to control one’s anger. Anger is possibly one of our greatest test in this life. It is such a test that are beloved Prophet (PBUH) spoke upon it many times.   In these hadiths we can learn much about anger  “Abu Hurayra reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “The person who is strong is not strong because he can knock people down. The person who is strong is the one who controls himself when he is angry.” “Ibn ‘Umar said, “There is nothing that is swallowed greater with Allah in reward than a slave of Allah who swallows and contains his rancour out of desire for the pleasure of Allah.” Aslam said, ” ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab said, ‘Do not let your love be a total infatuation. Do not let your anger be destruction.’ I asked, ‘How is that?’ He replied, ‘When you love, you are infatuated like a child. When you hate, you desire destruction for your companion.”  (1).  From these hadith we can see how destructive anger is.

 

We can also see how much our beloved Prophet detested anger.  In fact the Prophet (PBUH) advised us to seek refuge with Allah from anger  “Sulayman ibn Surad said, “Two men abused one another in the presence of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and one of them began to get angry and his face got red. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, looked at him and said, ‘I know some words that, if he says them, will remove this from him. They are: “I seek refuge with Allah from the Accursed Shaytan.”‘ The man went to that man and said, ‘Do you know what he said? He said, “I seek refuge with Allah from the Accursed Shaytan.”‘ The man retorted. ‘Do you think me mad?'” and “Ibn ‘Abbas said, “The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, ‘ Teach and make it easy. Teach and make it easy.’ three times. He went on, ‘When you are angry, be silent’ twice.” (1).

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Thus when we are angry we are to seek refuge in Allah and be silent.  Being silent is much like the advises of today which tells people who are angry to count to 10.  While counting (or remaining silent) our anger tends to dissipate.  We should also know that by refraining from acting out or becoming angry, that we are pleasing Allah swt.  In the Qur’an it states “ Who spend [in the cause of Allah ] during ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people – and Allah loves the doers of good;” (3:134) (2).  Just knowing that we are pleasing Allah when we restrain our anger should be a cause in itself, but as we are human we are prone to weaknesses.

 

Anger-a Worldwide Problem

Anger is a problem is a lot of societies.  In fact, anger seems to be a worldwide problem that has caused wars, deaths, divorces, abuses as well as misunderstandings.  Anger has been the cause of much hurt, confusion, as well as self-destructiveness. It is so rampant that often times communities and organizations offer anger management classes along with other interventions.

I would kindly suggest that to contain anger, you seek Allah’s mercy and forgiveness.  When you feel anger come upon you, insha’Allah seek refuge in Allah.  Do dhkir, remain silent and if needed count to 10, imagine a red stop sign in your head, take a walk, or remove yourself from the situation. You may also wish to analyze what it is that is at the root of your anger.  Perhaps it is not what the person said or did-may be it is pent up frustrations that have not been dealt with.  Look inward to see if you need to reflect upon what is causing so much anger. Often times anger is a deep pain and sadness that has turned into rage.  Try to see where your anger is coming from.

 

Pick your Battles

While we should not literally be at “battle” in our everyday lives, we can pick and chose what it is that we will react strongly too.  When feeling angry, ask yourself-is this something that is really worth the time and investments of anger and response?  There are so many things in life which are truly worthy of such responses (such as seeing a child get harmed; witnessing a brutal injustice and so on), but there are ways in which we are advised to handle these truly emotion provoking incidents.

 

Anger is not Strength

I would kindly suggest that you think real hard about what it is that you respond to and why.  Also, look at other ways which are not destructive to get your feelings across.   When in volatile situations, learning to communicate and react in more calm and peaceful mannerisms is an art and a sign of strength.  Begin to look at yourself as a strong person-one who is respected for their ability to handle emotions and communicate effectively.  Psychology Today (3) offers some good tips on how to get to this point (how to manage anger) from stress reduction, using humor to cognitive restructuring.  These tips are not new however and leads us back to how we are taught as Muslims to handle anger.

I hope some of this has helped, if not please do see a anger management therapist who can provide more in depth one on one guidance for regaining control over your anger.  We wish you the best.

Asalaam Aleikum, I've been married for 4 years and I've decided to seek a divorce on the basis of emotional neglect. In books, and online, I've read that emotional neglect is an insidious form of abuse and that it's hardly detected until far in the marriage, just as my case. However these are non-Muslim sources and I want to know if Allah allows men to treat women like this. Everyone talks of physical abuse and emotional/verbal abuse but no one says if neglect isn't allowed. I feel like I've been in this marriage by myself and the husband was just cruising by. He's made me feel so unimportant, uncared for, ignored, and just not prioritised at all. I'm always the last choice for him and he doesn't work on the marriage even after very clearly expressing my needs and wants from him over and over again, since the beginning of the marriage. I've been so patient, I've put everything on the side waiting for him to change, but it doesn't seem to work.

I fell into a deep depression because of feeling so unimportant and being put last all the time. I was much happier living with my family and following my dreams before I got married. Would it be wrong to get divorced and is emotional neglect allowed in Islam? Should women just allow emotional neglect just because we aren't physically getting beaten or verbally abused? Jazakallah kheir.



as salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session. I’m sorry to hear what you have been going through with your husband. Sometimes it is the most hurtful feeling in the world to feel uncared for, ignored, and not important- especially when it is caused by one’s spouse.

 

Marriage and Rights

You have every right sister to feel loved, cherished, important, and prioritized. That is what marriage is about. Marriage is an institution- a contractual agreement where in two people get married and there is love, mercy, kindness, affection, comfort and protection within that marriage. Within these attributes of marriage, is emotional support, nurturing and concern. Neglect is not allowed in Islam. If we look at the life of our beloved Prophet (PBUH), we can see how he prioritized, cared for, and loved his wives. Muslim husbands should seek to treat their wives such as our Prophet (PHUH) treated his. There is no finer example then our Prophet Mohammad (PBUH).

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With that said, as your husband does not seem to want to work on the marriage even though you have clearly expressed your needs and wants, perhaps it is time that you talk to him about consulting a marriage counselor and/or taking marriage classes at an Islamic Center or Masjid. It could be sister, that he truly does not understand what you need. It may appear that he is not prioritizing your needs when in fact he may not even understand your needs. He may feel he is being a good husband, when in fact he is not understanding how to make you happy, nor how to attend to your emotional needs. In all fairness, you should give the marriage a chance by sitting down with your husband when things are calm, and telling him how much you love him and desire to save the marriage. You may want to insha’Allah point out that you have been unhappy for a while now and that you would like for you and him to take marriage classes at the Masjid or Islamic Center to improve your marriage.

 

Giving Marriage a Chance:  Marriage Classes

Insha’Allah, you may explain to him that as you are both young there is still a lot to learn about marriage. As you have only been married for 4 years, it seems that there are certain things that he may not understand (as well as you) about the institution of marriage. If you approach him with an openness that you both could benefit, you may see positive results insha’Allah.

As you live in the US, I do know that there are many Masjids that offer not only premarital counseling classes but also marriage counseling classes as well. These could be a big benefit for you and your husband insha’Allah.

Sister, I kindly recommend giving him this chance. As Allah hates divorce, we do need to make every effort to try to save our marriage. Perhaps if you speak with him and explain that you are trying to save the marriage he will realize that has come to a point that you are thinking of divorce. This may Inspire him to want to try to change by learning more about an Islamic marriage and what is expected of him and of you.

 

Learning Each Other

Often times in marriage especially for the first couple of years the husband is concerned and immersed in his career and supporting the family. This can lead to neglect of the wife, although it is not intended. Please do sit down with your husband and talk to him about how you feel, stressing that you do love him.   Indicate that it comes to a point where you are depressed and something needs to be done. Acknowledge that you would like to learn how to be a better wife as well.  Often when we approach a problem with the idea that “we both need to learn” it is better received. If he agrees to go for marriage classes and/or marriage counseling alhumdulilah. If he does not agree to go, sister, I kindly suggested that you start to resolve your situation by going to a counselor. Seeing a counselor on a regular basis is needed for the depression you are experiencing. Ongoing counseling can also insha’Allah, help you move through your feelings about your marriage, perceptions, and insha’Allah help you decide what is best for you in terms of your needs, your marriage and your future plans.  We wish you the best.  You are in our prayers.

Salam Counselor. As I stated in the subject above, my wife lies to me especially on issues of her finances to me. She presently has a shop which I financed and also works earns a salary. She is involved in thrift contribution with her sister's husband for about 10years now which she denied. She also does things with him without my knowledge and permission. She at a point gave contribution money to her sister's husband to my detriment when I was short of money for use.

Recently, she proposed an additional money-making venture for me which I know her brother INLAW is also involved in through her help. I asked if her siblings, herself or the brother INLAW was I loved in such a venture but she said no. I got sad and felt lied too. Such lies were not the first time especially when it comes to her people and finances. Pls, what should I do because we fight on these issues and I really want the marriage(10yrs)to work but the issue of trust is a major problem with her.



as salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  From what you have described, your wife works and earns a salary. She owns her own business which you financed and works with her sister’s husband. The problem that you have outlined is that she lies about his involvement. She also does things with him without your knowledge and permission according to you. I’m understanding this to be separate from business, but I am not sure. She also gave money to her sister’s husband when you were short of money for use. Recently she proposed an additional money-making venture. When you asked if her siblings or the brother-in-law was involved, she said no and you felt lied to.

 

Communication & Trust

Brother, it appears that there is a huge problem with communication and trust. For some reason, she feels she does not, or cannot trust you with the truth about her business ventures. At the same time with good reason, you do not trust her either. From what you have written she has been lying to you about the brother-in-law’s involvement for some reason. Brother, it is very important at this point to have a conversation with her. I understand that you have been arguing about this and it is a major issue. I will kindly suggest insha’Allah, to pick a time when things are calm and you both are in a happy mood. This could be a time when you go out to dinner or if you go for a walk. I will kindly suggest insha’Allah that you asked her if you could please talk about your concerns and questions about the business ventures she’s been doing. Assure her that you love her, that you want to see her succeed and that you want to share in the joys of her successes. However, tell her that you have some concerns that you would like to discuss. You may want to outline some of your concerns prior to speaking with her. When you do bring these concerns up try not to come from a defensive stance. Rather than accusing her of lying, frame it in a way that you’re asking questions to help you better understand. People often respond better when they feel they are not being accused or attacked regarding an issue. If you can manage to keep your wife on the offense, she may respond more favorably as well as more honest.

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From this conversation, you can either start fresh concerning the relationship in this business, or it may raise further questions in your mind. Depending on the outcome you may want to take further steps to resolve what is going on that you feel is not appropriate. However if you have reached a place with her where you are starting to build trust,  I kindly suggest insha’Allah that you keep that momentum. Should she not want to talk at all brother, or if she continues lying, you may want to just drop the subject with her. It will not go anywhere. Not wanting to talk about something as serious as lying, covering up, indicate a need for further actions. Is she refuses to talk, you may want to speak with the brother-in-law. Again, take the same approach- one that is not defensive, but one that is supportive yet requires that your questions and your needs be met. Insha’Allah, the brother-in-law will respond favorably and be honest with you.

 

Shame and Guilt

It could be that your brother-in-law is not a good wage-earner and your wife has been covering for him. If this is the case it could be that he feels shame over not being able to support his family without your wife’s involvement. Either way, it goes brother I do encourage you to try to talk with your wife first, if not, possibly her sister’s husband to find out what the true situation is.

 

It is my feeling and I may be wrong, Allah forgives me but it does sound like she is helping him to take care of his family and there is a feeling of shame and guilt involved. Your wife, on the other hand, should tell you, as you are her husband and she should trust you to be fair in your assessment of the situation. Your wife should not lie to you nor hold back any situations.  Ideally, she should come to you for everything.  Please do let us know how the situation turns out, you’re in our prayers we wish you the best.

As-Salam Alaikum. As a kid, i grew up with lots of friends my childhood was fun after my primary school my family moved to another state where i had to start all over again. I got into secondary school and made new friends and new life, after completing secondary school i reached out to some of my friends share gifts with them but they didn't reciprocate my kind gestures, after sometime i felt like i was forcing my self on them so i chose to stay at home not visiting and not being visited by friends, i started to lose self-confidence.

I later traveled to another state where i got admission into the university where i got a true friend we bonded so well, unfortunately, he is now late and also few friends who are now far away. After my university days am back home without friends, now coming from a polygamous family where i don't receive love from my parent when compared to my siblings, i hardly get their attention and support it gets really depressing i try to fight the feelings engage myself in acts of worship, listening to lectures and motivational talks, but sometimes my worries tend to get the best of me.



As salamu alaykum brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As I understand your question, during your childhood you had friends whom you enjoyed a lot of fun times with. Then you moved to another state and you had to make new friends. After completing secondary school, you reached out to some of your friends with kindness but they didn’t reciprocate. You felt like you were forcing yourself on them, so you chose to stay at home and basically withdrew socially. As you later traveled to another state to go to a university, you did make one true friend along with a few other friends but now they are far away. As you are back home after completing your university education, you do not have any friends. At this point you stated that you lost self-confidence. Also, you feel that your family does not show you enough love or attention.

 

Milestones

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Brother often times through growth and life changes (milestones), we go through a phase where we trying to find out who we are, where we are going as well as where we belong. Even though we have accomplished a lot, we often realize that we are in a different place than our friends. This place can be both physical and mental. Often times after school is over, friends (as well as ourselves) go off to different places, different countries for careers, marriage, family etc. Because of these changes, we can feel alone and/or rejected.  This is a common phrase for many young adults. I have heard this from not only some of my clients but my own two children.  When in their 20s and married, realized that they were lacking their close friends that they grew up with.

 

Self Confidence in Action

As you lost your self-confidence because of all of this brother, it has made it even harder to reach out and meet new people. At a time in life when changes were frequent, this prolonged “loneliness” is now felt deeply.  Brother, it is important to reach out and make friends. It may take courage on your part, but the rewards and blessings are bountiful. I would kindly suggest brother that you do engage yourself in social activities along with your worshiping, listening to lectures, and motivational talks.  It is very empowering to listen to these lectures and talks because it gives us tips and ideas of how to become more social and confident. Acts of worship are critical for any phase of our life that is either difficult or pleasurable because it is our love for Allah that brings us to worship. Insha’Allah, if you reach out and increase your socializing, you will find that you will begin to naturally make friends. It may be hard at first but the more you do it the easier it gets insha’Allah. Even if you have to go out by yourself, please do. Attend Islamic events, a sporting event, get involved with a group at the Masjid or your Islamic Center.  Volunteer to do some charity work or take up a hobby. All these activities insha’Allah will expose you to different people, places, and opportunities to make friends. Additionally, if you engage in things that you enjoy, it will be much easier to communicate with new people about the things that you are doing because you both will have something in common.

 

Accomplishments and Self-Family Perspectives

You are at a time in your life where you have accomplished a lot.  Sitting at home and being depressed may be in part, a natural response to the loneliness you feel. However, getting out and being socially active and doing the things you enjoy and that are good, will bring many blessings.

 

As far as your family is concerned, it sounds like you had a wonderful childhood and that you are very much loved. It may be that they feel that you are now grown and appear stable, thus not needing as much affection and support. While we all need this throughout our lives no matter what our age, it is quite possible that your parents see you as independent, strong and not needing as much as your siblings. Perhaps discussing with them the way you are feeling may help them become more aware of your needs.

 

Self Talk

Please do try to get out and do social activities brother.  Be open to meeting others. Insha’Allah try to look at this phase of your life as a turning point too many good opportunities as well as a development of new friendships. Try to engaging in positive self-talk about your ability to socialize, your worthiness of making friends as well as your future. If we keep talking negative about ourselves, our opportunities or lack of, as well as our social abilities -of course we will end up sitting alone because we are not putting in the positive efforts. Try to put in the positive efforts which is action.

 

Start a New Day

Inshallah you will be able to start a new day with a positive outlook towards friends and socialization. Be an active participant rather than a passive “wisher”. It may be hard in the beginning but as you engage socially more and more, it will get easier. Live in the moment- meaning enjoy the activity that you’re doing such as going to a sporting event, helping at a charity, listening to an Islamic lecture at a class. Don’t worry about making friends, don’t look around for friends, but the open for friendships. It will come naturally insha’Allah. We wish you the best you are in our prayers.

I am embarrassed, I am struggling against high sexual desires, I have to perform ghusl sometimes twice per day and this is making me sick. 44 not married, men comes and go after a few days without reason. But alhamdoulillah I know God is choosing the best for me. I just want to perform my ibadah correctly without this high sexual desires every single day.



As salamu Alaikum sister,

Thank you for writing to our live session. Please do not be embarrassed. What you are going through is quite normal, natural and human. As you are not married, you have nowhere to channel your sexual desires. This is a very common problem among people who are not married. It is not a bad thing, or a sinful thing- it is a human thing to have sexual feelings.

 

Sexuality is a Human Feeling

I kindly ask insha’Alah, that you look at this as an indication of being a healthy woman. Having to perform ghusl twice a day may be a bit troublesome, in that it is time-consuming.  However, may Allah bless you for your efforts in purity. If you were married sister, you may still have to perform ghusl a few times a day as you will be having sexual relations with your husband insha’Allah. These are the things that we must do in order to purify ourselves. Well at times it may seem cumbersome to our worship, please do know that it is required and you will be blessed for your concern about being pure whether you are married or single.

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Diversion Techniques

Sister until you get married, I will kindly suggest that when these feelings come upon you, that you can engage in an activity to get your mind off of what your body is feeling. Divert your attention perhaps to a job task, household chore, reading Qur’an, or making duaa.  Invoking thoughts and actions that are far removed from feeling sexual desire will help you insha’Allah to better control it. It may be difficult at first because feeling sexual desire is often times like feeling hunger pains or thirst. It is a biological natural sensation. It is what we do with these feelings that matters. If you focus on these feelings and feed into them they could grow. As you are not married right now, there is nowhere for these feelings to go. There is no release. So for now until you are married I will kindly suggest that you try diversion techniques. Again, what is important is drawing closer to Allah, reciting Qur’an and doing dzhhir. There are many reliefs and blessings in acts of worship.  By increasing acts of worship, your sexual feelings may just start to diminish (so they are manageable)  until you are married. Please do insha’Allah, seek out a suitable marriage partner if possible. Make duaa to Allah that He bless you with a husband soon.

 

Seek Marriage

Feeling sexual desire is just your body’s way of saying you need to be married which of course you already know. Insha’Allah, these techniques will work for you. It may take some time, consistency, and determination. Insha’Allah once you do marry, your desires will still be there however they will be satisfied correctly- in halal way which is within the marriage. We wish you the best you’re in our prayers.

Assalam.o alaikum. In the previous message, I wrote you about that guy who left me. I went through a lot because of him. You told me to block him from social media and i did and it started working. i used to think less about him then before.

yesterday i went out with my friends at the mall and i saw him there and i remembered everything that happened before between us he didn’t see me because the moment i saw i him i hide myself but at that time everything was fresh i forgot that i have to ignore him. i came back home and unblocked him and sent him a message that i saw him there. He started talking to me and 3 times he said to me that he misses me a lot.

He has signed his contract of marriage already and even he is not coming back for me, but we still love each other. I spoked to him last night and then after that i blocked him again because i want to clear my heart.

I was coming to the straight path forgetting him…is it from Allah that i saw him there or what? I can’t understand. Please help me, dear.



As salamu alaykum sister, 

Thank you for writing to us again with your further experiences and details. I am happy to hear that you did block him on social media and that you did start to think less about him.

 

Often times when we make a commitment to ourselves to begin to heal and progress in our lives, as well as progress in our spirituality, we start to feel better. Things that used to be in our minds such as thoughts of others, desire to want to contact those that are bad for us, thoughts of committing haram acts- start to disappear. These are some of the blessings from Allah. We all fall short, unfortunately, you had a slip up-like we all do.  You reported that you did see him at the mall and although you did not say anything to him, when you came home you unblocked him and sent him a message. Sister while that was not a wise thing to do because you were making so much progress, please insha’Allah consider it a minor setback.

 

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Think about the reality of the situation. He is going to get married to somebody else. As you stated he signed his contract for marriage. You need to leave him alone not talk to him anymore nor message him.  Insha’Allah, you need to continue to move on which means blocking him.  An important thing to remember is that you need to “block” him in your thoughts.  You can easily block him by pressing a “block” button on your phone.  What is critical is that unless you truly block him in your thoughts and mind, it will be too easy to unblock him on your phone.    Trusting and Depending on Allah

 

Please do make duaa to Allah, that Allah gives you the strength and the determination to get this boy out of your system once and for all. Sister, I also ask that you write a journal concerning this issue. Please do insha’Allah, write down the very important and main points.  #1. Things did not work out between you before #2. He is contracted to get married  #3. It is Haram to contact him and it is unhealthy for you to contact him.

 

Please do make another list of the things that you would like to accomplish.  This will help you to focus your time, energy, and thoughts on that. It could be anything from taking a class, joining a gym, planning for school or anything else that is positive and up building.

 

Insha’Allah, please focus on the things you write down that you are going to do that are positive. When you feel like messaging him or unblocking him, look at your list of why you should not, and then review your list of positive goals and activities. When you feel like you want to message, he pray to Allah for strength and guidance. You want to please Allah swt sister, as well as have a happy and pious lifestyle.

 

A Blessed Path

You stated that you blocked him in order to clear your heart. This shows great strength as well as insight into what a negative effect being in contact with him has on you. While no one knows if it is from Allah that you saw him at the mall or not, it could be that it was a test.  If it was a test from Allah, maybe you did not pass this test totally as you unblocked him and messaged him.  However,  I am confident insha’Allah that you will pass this test in another way-by not having anything to do with him anymore. Sister, you are stronger now, you are more focused, and you have drawn closer to Allah in regards to your dean. Please do stay on this path for it is a blessed path that will bring you happiness. We wish you the best you are in our prayers.