Ask the Counselor (Counseling Session with Hannah) | About Islam
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Ask the Counselor (Counseling Session with Hannah)

Session Guest

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)


Sunday, Jun. 30, 2019 | 05:00 - 06:00 Makkah | 02:00 - 03:00 GMT

Session Status

Session is over.

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]


About 2 years ago I became Muslim, but my family doesn't know and all my prayers and fasting must be in secret, they are very religious Christian people and say bad of Islam, my parents pay my studies and I live with them. But I am obligated to go to the church and it hurts my faith, I don't feel well in a place where my faith doesn't match with it anymore.I really don't know how to tell them, I've talked once with them asked if what would happen if leave the church and their answer was VERY aggressive and intolerant.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Masha Allah, tabarakAllah, may Allah reward your struggles to please Him. The difficulties that you are facing are those that many a revert face. Becoming a Muslim comes with countless blessings, but it also comes with its challenges too. As well as embracing a new lifestyle, it requires our loved ones to accept it too. In an ideal world, they would accept it with open arms, but this is seldom the case. From the response you received from your parents already it would seem that you would be amongst the latter, although nothing is impossible with Allah’s guidance, so do be sure to continue to pray for this in the knowledge that He guides who He wills.

 

Of course you have the option to continue to keep it from them and continue as you are to keep the peace, but this comes at a heavy cost to your Deen and your wellbeing. However, if you tell them you will be free of keeping secrets and will be able to practice more openly, however, this may come at a cost with relation to your relationship with them and this will possibly have implications for you position in the house and your education.

 

If and when you are ready to tell them, there are a few steps you can take to make the process as easy as possible for everyone.

 

They are your parents and it is important that you respect them and even obey them in all matters except when they encourage or even force you to do something against Islam. You must still be respectful in your refusals, but deny anything against Islam none the less. You haven’t yet told them, but it is clear from their response to you question that they would not be happy and therefore you should prepare for this. Is there anyone in you family who would support you as a Muslim? Or a family friend? Someone who you could tell first and have them present with you if you tell them? This way the experience would be more comfortable for you as well as showing your parents that you have support from someone in the family. Would this person be willing to continue to support you should they react less favorably? Do be aware as well that whilst they may react less favorably at first, you are their child and in time, in sha Allah their hearts would soften to your choices as they become more welcoming to you again. Also, make sure to link in with the local Muslim community who will be able to provide you with ongoing support. There are also many organizations that provide support to revert sisters who can support and advise in this situation. Likewise regarding other sisters who have faced the same dilemma.

 

You could even invite a Muslim friend over some time to challenge their beliefs about Islam and see that Muslims are good respectful people. This may be an approach you rake in the lead up to telling them. This may make it less of a shock to them as they may come to suspect ir, but will be less fearful and angry towards Muslims as they will have encountered good examples of them.

 

If you choose to tell them, be gentle in your approach. They may be left feeling like they’ve failed as you have chosen not to follow what they believe to be the truth and this will be painful for them. Let them know that you still love them just the same. In sha Allah even if they are angry about it in time they will come to view Islam in a new light as they see the benefits it has brought to their daughter. This is a process that will take time. It could take years even, but with patience and prayers they will at least come to accept it at the very least even if they’re hearts don’t soften to Islam.

 

May Allah guide 5at this difficult time and may He make your journey in Islam full of blessings and happiness in this life and the next.


I'm a 19 years old Muslim girl dating a Muslim guy.

The two of us are in our first year at the university. We have been dating for 4months kissing and touching each other. I learned dating is not allowed in Islam and I want to put an end to what we are doing. I don't know whether to break up with him or tell him to stay away from me till he is ready to marry me. I feel confused about what to do now. I love him and wants to have a future with him but I really want to do what pleases Allah.

Please, what do I do about this?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

As attached as you feel to this guy, as you are now aware it is a relationship that is not permissable in Islam. Therefore, it is absolutely important for the sake of Allah that you put an end to this relationship right away. However, where you go from here is the thing you need to think carefully about. Do you put a complete end to it and walk away from it for good, or do simply cut ties until you are ready to get married and make your relationship one that is permissible in Islam.

 

Take time to really think about the consequences of these different options and which would be most pleasing to you, and most importantly most pleasing to Allah.

 

On the one hand, if you make a complete break from the relationship, you will be free from the association with the sins that have been committed and it will be easier to learn your lesson and move on successfully, in sha Allah without the possibility of things getting messy due to the manner in which the relationship began. However, this will be emotionally difficult, especially to begin with, to part from someone who you have developed such strong emotions for.

 

Alternatively, you can seek to make this relationship halal by getting married. This will enable you to nurture the love that you have built so far, but comes at the risk of things potentially getting messy due to starting the relationship in the wrong way. If you choose this option, make sure to go about it in the correct way. Let your family know that you wish to marry and arrange a meeting with his family. This way you can get a second opinion from your family also. As you have developed feelings for him already, you will be blind to any things that may be less favorable, whereas your family will be able to assess him through neutral eyes in your own best interests. If they approve, then you should go ahead with the nikkah as soon as possible to avoid the potential to fall into any haram.

 

Whichever choice you make, make sure to turn to Allah in sincere repentance. Be humbled before Him, in the knowledge that He loves to forgive and will guide you aright.

 

May Allah forgive you and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.


I had never had any relations whatsoever with a girl or woman when I married my wife. I believed it was the same case with her. It was an arranged marriage.

I have now learned (a year after the marriage) from several sources that she had a premarital relationship with a cousin when they were both teenaged. Some people say they met alone regularly, others say they just flirted with each other at family gatherings, but what is clear is that they desired each other. The relationship lasted at least 3 years.

I am suffering greatly from this knowledge. I have not spoken to her about it and there is no point as she will likely deny it.

I am looking for solace in the situation, about how the Almighty will view and deal with the situation.

What should I do, what shall I pray for? Has she wronged me although it was before she knew me?

Will I be rewarded for my patience? Will she be punished for her actions? If she is forgiven by Allah should I also forgive her?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

It can be incredibly heart breaking to learn information about someone when you thought you knew everything about them. This is especially more difficult when this information is about one’s spouse. It has been very distressing for you to recently learn that your wife had premarital relations with her cousin in her teenage years. However, as distressing as it is, you want to find solace in the situation and alhamdulilah with the help of Allah you can find it with ease.

 

Whilst you haven’t raised the issue with her, all the information you have is from others and this information has been quite different so you don’t know the whole truth regarding the extent to which she had relations with him. If you talk to her about it, she may open up and tell you the truth, or she may deny it altogether, but with all the conflicting evidence it would be difficult to gauge whether she is telling the truth or not. This matter is with Allah, He is the one who knows the truth and will deal with the matter accordingly, whether this be forgiveness or punishment, this is for Allah to chose, not for me or you, or anyone for that matter. It is for us to trust that He is the most Just. What you can do is to ask Allah to forgive her wrongdoings, whether rot be that she is guilty of sin in the past, or any other thing. It will humble you and you feelings towards her to ask Allah’s forgiveness of her. This will also help you to forgive her too. After all, if you turn to Allah for her forgiveness, this will soften your heart towards her too. How can you ask Allah to forgive her, if you can’t forgive her too?

 

Furthermore, keep in mind, if it is true, then firstly, it was before you married and secondly, it was in her teenage years when hormones are rife. Not that that makes her actions necessarily any less of a sin, it is much less of a wrongdoing towards you as you feel. Keep in mind that before you married and even after she was not obliged to let you know of her past relationships. Sharing such details is never recommended and can only do damage to a relationship and therefore she did the right thing to try and save your marriage from this. Plus, these relations were out of wedlock and therefore a sin which it is not good to share. Most teenagers do things that they regret in adulthood and there is nothing that can be done about that except to learn from such mistakes. It may have been this relationship that lead her in a path of regret and repentance and with fear of Allah caused her to be more committed to you than she may have otherwise been if she had not done as she had.

 

Also, ask yourself the following questions too to help yourself reflect and move on.

 

Do you really need to confront her about it? What would you gain from it? Would it benefit your marriage to know the full details? Would it even make a difference it you knew or not?

 

May Allah forgive her wrongdoings whether there is truth in these rumors or not. May Allah ease your difficulties and make you wife the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.


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