Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,


Pursuing marriage is always made especially difficult when the support of the family is not present, especially when the support is lacking from the mahram of the female as in your case. This has lead to you potential marriage to the man you wish to marry being delayed and cancelled numerous times.


Masha Allah, you did the best thing in making istikhara relating to this matter, but as you have mentioned yourself, you fear it may be biased. You have made a good judgement here. As you have had a relationship with this man you have developed feelings for him so of course your heart will be inclined to him regardless of whether you make istikhara or not. As a result it is easy to confuse the feelings in your heart as being from Allah in turning you to him and encouraging you to continue to seek marriage to him, or whether it is simply a result of the feelings that you have developed for him due to your relationship with him. Likewise, with your dreams, since you have feelings for him, it wouldn’t be unusual for you to dream about him also and then feel confused about whether this is from Allah, or whether it is just due to your contact and feelings towards him. Your feelings towards him could also Be what is influencing you to feel repulsed towards other men.


Due to this, it might be advisable to seek assistance from a trusted loved one who has your best interests at heart. Someone who will be able to help you by making judgements that are not influenced by feelings that have arises out of prolonged contact with the man. If this is your mahram, then let him meet with the man you wish to marry and get his judgement and thoughts on pursuing marriage to him. If he feels he is a good man and will be a good match for you then you could ask him to meet with this man’s father to discuss your marriage to him. Whilst it is not necessary to have the support of his father to go ahead with a marriage to him, it would be ideal and would reduce the chance of family conflicts that may have an impact on your marriage in the future.


Perhaps your mahram could discuss with his father why he is so against the marriage to see of there is a legitimate reason why he is against it. If it is a trivial matter then perhaps you could work on this matter with the hope of changing his mind so you can comfort ably pursue the marriage. If it is something that is only going to cause disruption in the family, or if your mahram doesn’t see him as a good match for you anyway, then perhaps you should consider fully letting go and moving on.


Your thoughts will always be biased towards this man, but in sha Allah with the support of loved ones and continued istikhara you will be able to move forward. If it is meant to be then a meeting between him and someone who knows you, ideally your mahram, will clear this matter and in sha Allah you will be married. If it is not meant to be then obstacles will continue to prevent it from working out.


You could give yourself a time frame such as 6 months and if things are still not working out make the brace decision to move on. If this is the case, be prepared that you will likely still have feelings for the man and you will likely as a result not be attracted to anyone else. This is where you need to be patient with yourself and them. In time as you get to know someone better you will be able to develop feelings for them. It might be that you require more meetings with them than you might otherwise expect to get to know them more and be prepared to face a marriage that you did not anticipate. It you are to truly move on then it will be necessary for you to be open to a new experience. Right now you probably feel that this is not possible, but it is. It might just take longer than you expect.


May Allah guide you to do what is best for you and most pleasing to Allah. May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Thursday, Jan. 01, 1970 | 00:00 - 00:00 GMT

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