Ask about Parenting – Counseling Session

Salamu alaykum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

You can find the answers below:

Feel free to send your questions to [email protected]

The service is completely anonymous

Monday, Jun. 29, 2020 | 05:00 - 06:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  



Q:

Asalamu alaikom

I had a severely disabled child for many years and now he passed away this year. My question is: I used to complain on some days Almighty God like why is he punishing my child as well as me.

I was very patient in beginning years but when his condition deteriorated and I saw how bad he was suffering I started to question why is this happening to us. I was very unhappy with seeing my child going through hell.

In some days I will ask Allah why he is punishing this little child who knows nothing this way. He put too much pain and suffering and as a result of his suffering it had an enormous impact on me as a parent seeing how this child is suffering.

Sometimes I skipped praying as a protest of my frustration seeing my child having to go to this suffering in this dunya.

Since he’s gone now, I now realised what I was doing was absolutely wrong in regards to complaining. I made a complete tawba alhamdullilah.

My question is…will Allah forgive me for complaining and having negative thoughts? Will all my good deeds in regards to taking care of my child before death has gone to waste? Will I join my child in jannah because he was Maadhum meaning he didn’t know anything and was taken care of on everything.

Please help me with your answers.  Jazakah Allah kheyran

A:

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your child. May Allah swt grant your child the highest ranks of Jannah, and may He ease your suffering. I can imagine that this is a most difficult thing to go through. My heart goes out to any parent who has lost a child, it is such a  heartfelt loss.

Caring for a Disabled Child

You stated that your son was severely disabled for many years. You state that in the beginning you were very patient for many years but as his condition deteriorated, and you saw how bad he was suffering you started to question why.

Questions, Pain, and Suffering

Questioning “why” can be a normal human response to any tragedy or sad situation such as this. We can be strong for long periods of time to take care of our given situation and in your case it was caring for your precious child.

However, fatigue and depression can often set in. While people strive to do their best and maintain a positive attitude, as well as trusting in Allah, oftentimes through human nature we become weary.

You stated that you were very sad seeing your child going through hell and this is understandable. No one wants to see their child suffer, it must be the hardest thing to do. You said that your child suffered greatly and it had an enormous impact on you as a parent watching your child suffer.

Inability/Refusal to Pray due to Heartbreak

I Can Only Imagine the gut-wrenching heartbreak that you were going through and probably still are. It was so devastating upon your heart, spirit, and soul that you stated that you skipped praying out of frustration and protest.  

Remorse for Complaining

Since your son has passed away, you have been thinking and feel that what you did was wrong in regards to complaining. Insha’Allah, after you had some time to heal you may come to realize your complaining out of frustration may be seen as a natural response to watching your child suffer.

When one feels at the end of their rope, they do try to hold onto the Rope of Allah but as we are weak in character as humans it is sometimes difficult to do, especially when we’re going through such heartfelt hardships.

Emotions

Many in life may go through painful trials and tribulations over an extended period of time and feel similar to you.

People often give up out of absolute sadness, feeling incompetent, feeling unable to cope, and having their heart break.

This often results in complaining, depression, withdrawal, and even anger. These are normal emotions to go through in regards to such a serious situation.

Allah is Most Merciful

Allah is most merciful, and Allah knows our pain. He knows when we are tired and when we are so mentally and soulfully exhausted that we cannot even think rationally. Allah does understand all of these things.

As you have had some time to reflect, you stated that you did tawbah. Again, as we know Allah is most forgiving and most merciful. Allah loves to forgive His servants and Allah says He will forgive us if we repent and ask for forgiveness.

Accountability

Since you have been through so much with your precious child, please know that Allah does understand and Allah forgives. Allah saw all of the wonderful things that you did for your son. All of your good deeds were recorded.

Additionally, your pain and suffering, your fatigue and depression is also taken into account. It is said that when one is incapacitated in terms of a mental illness such as depression, or a situation such as a disability as your son had-Allah does not hold one accountable.

A Time for Healing

Insha’Allah, you will join your child in Jannah. You were/are a wonderful loving parent who did the very best for your son.

You cared for him, provided for him, and loved him beyond measure. Your frustration and complaining was only a small, very tiny part of the long years of the equation.

For now, please focus on healing from your great loss. Your child has suffering and now he is with Allah safe, not in pain or suffering, and happy.

Please do take special care of yourself now and if you feel that depression is a part of what you are going through, please do seek counseling. Also important, is to work on strengthening your relationship with Allah. Here you will find great solace and healing as well. We wish you the best.


Q:

As-salamu alaikum.

 I want to ask you that my 3 year boy is very short tempered and he always use to throw all things. Also he cannot speak properly. Please help me to fix his angry nature n his speaking problem.

His name is Mohd. Yusuf so some people told me to change his name because they said that sometimes these problems are because of not suitable of name to child and also please suggest some Quranic surah or ayat. Please help

A:

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. Understandably you are very concerned that your three-year-old son is short-tempered and throws things. You are also concerned because he cannot speak properly. I can imagine that you were very worried about his temper as well as his speech.

Temper Tantrums and Speech Problems

I am wondering if you have taken your son to the pediatrician to have his hearing checked as well as his speech. Often times when a young child has difficulty speaking it may be due to problems with the ears.

This could be as simple as a wax buildup, ear infections, or other inner ear problems that can easily be remedied.

In fact, my son went through the same thing when he was about that age.  He had difficulty with speech and it was due to his ears and hearing. Eventually had tubes put in his ears and then he developed normally.

Rule out Medical Problems

I would kindly suggest insha’Allah that you rule out any medical problems regarding his hearing and speech. This may affect his behavior and cause a short temper.

If he is unable to properly hear or express himself verbally, it may lead to frustration which may show as temper tantrums and throwing things.

Also, at this age it is known as the “terrible two’s” because children begin to exert their independent thought wants and needs and they do tend to throw temper tantrums. However, this phase does not last forever.

Redirection and Rewarding Positive Behaviors

 I would kindly suggest redirecting your son’s attention when he has temper tantrums. Insha’Allah, do not reinforce his negative behaviors by paying a lot of attention to it but rather encourage and reward his positive behaviors. W

hen he does become short-tempered or starts to throw something, calmly explain to him this is not the way we behave and redirect him to another activity.

Name Change

Regarding his name, I am sorry that I cannot help you with this as I am not familiar with names affecting behaviors. Please do write to our “Ask the Scholar” section if you are concerned about this.

I have only heard of people reverting to Islam and changing their names if it resembles something that is haram. An example would be a girl name Gingie- which sounds a lot like Jinn. In this case one may wish to change their name so as not to have their name associated with the word or thought of jinn.

Conclusion

Please do take your son to the pediatrician to rule out any hearing or speech problems. By providing positive reinforcement for good behaviors and redirecting and correcting the negative ones, insha’Allah you will see a positive change in your son over time.

Please do keep in mind this is a normal developmental phase that he will outgrow anyhow insha’Allah. We wish you the best.


Q

Asalamualaikum,

Hi there, Im curious about whether muslim women are allowed to purchase and live independently in their own homes?

A:

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session sister, and for your very important question. I suppose that your question and the correct response depends on what country that the Muslim woman lives in. Some countries do not allow Muslim women to purchase and live alone in their own homes and other countries whether they’re Muslim or not, have no laws regarding it.

Muslim Women Buying a Home

In general, Muslim women are allowed to purchase a home and live independently in it. Women are encouraged to excel and succeed in this world and the next. In fact, our beloved prophet’s (PBUH) wife Khadijah did indeed own her own business and I would think she owned her own home as well. Perhaps though, she had her children or other family living with her.

Safety Concerns

The concerns that rightfully surround this topic are regarding safety. As you know a woman is to travel with a man who is her mahram. This is because there is so much risk in the world and it is a protection for the woman. The same applies for going to and from stores, a friend’s house, events, the Masjid, and so on. However, in this day and time a mahram is not always available to some Muslim women.

Mahram

It is difficult sometimes  to have a mahram with you when you come and go to different places. A lot of Muslim women do not have that in their lives. This hold especially true for Muslim women who have reverted to Islam.

Often there is no one in the family to look out for them and protect them as they venture to and fro in the world taking care of business, buying groceries, coming and going to work etc. This can be seen as one of the negatives of a Muslim woman purchasing her own home and living alone.

Conclusion

In conclusion yes, a Muslim woman can buy a home and live independently in her own home as long as it is not against the law in the country that she lives in.

Additionally, if she is living alone and not with other sisters it is imperative that if she does not have a mahram that she is very careful and vigilant in her comings and goings so that no one hurts her.

Many Muslim women have purchased their own homes and live independently. While it is not a new concept, it is one that does take some extra preparing for in terms of safety issues. I hope this is answered your question!  We wish you the best.


Q:

As-Salamu `Alaykum. There are many difficulties raising children in a non-Muslim country. I want to know how to take care of teenagers when they start being “Western” like going out and so on as Westerners do. Should I be strict with my children or should I just make them understand politely?

A:

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. I can understand your position regarding the difficulties raising children in a non-Muslim country. It is very different in most aspects than raising children in a Muslim country.

Raising Teenagers in West Compared to Muslim Country

The difficulty of raising children may be intensified when the children are teenagers. As you stated your children are teenagers, you are wondering how to respond when they start being “westernized” and seek to go out and do things as people in the West do.

In Muslim countries I am sure that children and teenagers do go out as well and do things. However, it is a different atmosphere.

In Muslim countries there are still haram things children can get involved with, however attaining these things is not as easily available, nor as socially acceptable (such as going to mixed parties).

Islamic Reminders

Insha’Allah when your children wish to go out and do different things, you may remind them of their Islamic values and morals. I am sure that you have provided a very solid Islamic foundation for them while they were growing up.

Insha’Allah nothing will change that. Going out and doing different things in a western country can be scary especially if you are new to the area. Everything is very different. However, Allah says that He will give us tests and trials.

Learning Boundaries and Trust

Perhaps by letting your teenagers go out and do social activities that are acceptable, they will learn their boundaries and become stronger in their dedication to Islam.

This approach would require a “no zone” list of things they are not allowed to do such as drinking for example. Try to focus on the bigger issues rather than less harmful ones (going to an unsupervised party versus going to the movies with a friend).

If you become very strict with them they may eventually rebel and turn against not only you but the rules of Islam as well. This could be the worst outcome.

Speaking with your Children

Insha’Allah if you speak with them about the differences in lifestyles and let them know that you have confidence in their choices, they may respond more favorably.

There may be some times that you’re teenagers will fail and do things that are not permissible. This is human. We all sin, that is why we need Allah for mercy and forgiveness. It does not matter where we live.

This happens in all countries not just non-Muslim ones. Insha’Allah, the best thing you can do for your children is to encourage them in their Islam.

Friend and Parent

 Try to be a friend to them as well as a parent so that you are a bridge of communication that will always be open. As your children adjust to new social situations insha’Allah they will remain dedicated to their Islamic values.

These are growing times as well as tests and trials. Give them room to grow yet keep them close to you by not being judgmental.

I mean this in the kindest way because as a parent myself, I often find the little judge going off in my mind when I speak to my children.

However, I have found the best way is to befriend them, them guide them towards Islam, and let them make some of their own decisions.

In this way a teenager will insha’Allah feel that they are being trusted, respected in their choices. Importantly, insha’Allah they will feel closer to you and will most likely come to you if there is ever a problem.

Conclusion

Insha’Allah try to make them understand your feelings and concerns. Also let them know that some things can be very deceiving and dangerous yet you trust them to make the right decisions.

At this age we cannot control our children as much as we could when they were young. They have the foundation of Islam, and they have you as a loving and concerned parent. I’m confident they will make right choices insha’Allah. We wish you the best


Q:

Assalamu Alaykum, I have a question. When will a girl be accountable for her sins, also what are the signs of maturity according to Islam. If one commits a major sin before maturity, will she be accountable for this?

A:

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session and for your question. As a young girl grows, there are signs she is becoming more mature, heading towards the teen ages. This is the age or time period when accountability begins.

Changes/Maturation

Signs of growing maturity can begin anywhere from age 8 to 14. These signs include (but not limited to) growing breast buds, growing course hair in pubic area as well hair in the armpits, the development of body odor, and menstruation.

Due to hormones, emotional, mental, and cognitive changes may also occur.  Islamically, maturity is reached when course pubic hair develops or menses begin.  If a girl has not started menses or developed pubic hair by age 15, then 15 is the age most scholars go by.

Accountable for Sins

Once either of these three things occur (either separately or together) then a girl is considered accountable for her actions such as making her prayers, covering, fasting, and other deeds and obligations.

Accountability Prior to Maturation

Prior to these changes in a child’s life, they are not held accountable for not fulfilling the Islamic requirements such as praying or fasting.

In fact, according to AboutIslam (1),  it was reported that the prophet (PBUH) stated “There are three people whose actions are not recorded, a sleeping person till he awakes, a child till he is a grown up, and an insane person till he is restored to reason or recovers his sense.”  Al-Hakim graded this hadith Sahih, making it authentic.

If you have any further questions, please do feel free to write to our “Ask the Scholar” section. Insha’Allah this response has provided some insight sister.

We wish you the best.

1. https://aboutislam.net/live-session/general-live-fatwa-session-2/