I don’t have a question. But, I have problems in life that bother me daily.
I live in the US. And, I am originally from a Muslim country in Africa. I never married before I come to the states and when I come to the states, I had a lot of sexual needs. I tried to many times to have a marriage. But, all my attempts failed. I moved to a new area and I become lonely. Then, I start talking to people at work. They recommend me to go to clubs and I start going to clubs like strip clubs and other clubs.
Then, I started talking to females online on hook up apps. I had all the sex I wanted. And, I finally end up meeting someone who worked with me at the same company. We become good friends. I didn’t really fall in love. We were just FWB. We usually meet. Do our thing and we go our separate ways. Then, she became pregnant with my child. Then, we decided to try for a relationship. I am still in a relationship with the same person. We have two children. I found out a lot of things about her. She does drugs and she spends money on drugs that our family needs.
I do still go online sometimes to meet the woman behind her back. Because she doesn’t really talk to me and give me the attention that I need. We always fight and argue about simple things. I am not happy with her but I don’t want to abandon our children. I feel lost. I don’t have a good relationship with my parents. Because I had a rough life growing up. My parents divorced when I was young. Actually, when I was three months old. I do know a lot about the Islamic teachings about sin and fornication and I still can’t focus and be a good Muslim.
I feel lost. I do feel I need to get out of this environment and be close to a Muslim community and start all over again. But, I don’t want to abandon my children. Please, I do need a Muslim counselor to talk to and guide me through this difficult time in my life. Thank you. And, sorry if my English is hard to understand. English is not my first language. I tried my best.
As-salam Alaikum brother,
Shokran for writing to our live session. As I understand your situation, you live in u.s. and you are originally from a Muslim country in Africa. You have never been married before, however, when you came to the United States you had a lot of sexual needs. After much haram activity, you got involved with a woman and now have two children. You and your children’s mom are not compatible for many reasons, one being that she does drugs. Brother my heart goes out to you as you are in a difficult situation due to making poor choices, however, Allah is most merciful and as Muslims, we have the opportunity to make positive changes in our lives as you are now seeking to do.
Looking Back-To Look Forward
Brother, I am not sure if you had the sexual needs when you lived in your country in Africa or if they were new when you arrived at the United States, however sexual needs are a natural human process. At any rate, despite your attempts to curb your desires (trying to get married) you fell into haram behavior. Part of this you tributed to moving to a new area and being lonely. At that time when you moved, it would have been most beneficial had you gone to the Masjid for prayer regularly, participated in Islamic social activities, as well as bonding with your Muslim Brothers. This may have been a support to you and prevented you from future mistakes. Given that we cannot change our past we can only look forward, there are some positive lessons you can take from all of this.
Brother, you have two children with this woman. Granted, you are not happy with her now-but you have been together for a while as you do have two children. Is there any way to fix the relationship? Is she interested in making it work with you? Would she be open to studying Islam, getting clean off of drugs and beginning the road towards a better and healthier life? If so, perhaps you may change your feelings regarding her. Perhaps this is a time for both of you to return to Allah-you by repenting and starting to follow Islam again, and herby studying Islam and insha’Allah reverting to Islam. We never know the reasons why we face tests and trials. However, trying to change one’s condition to please Allah will bring blessings. As your past actions have created your current situation, insha’Allah you will find it in your heart to give your children’s mother the opportunity to choose Allah and Islam over her current condition. Should she chose this-it could bring you and your children immeasurable blessings. If she does not, then you know in your heart you tried.
Talking with Children’s Mother
Insha’Allah’s brother, I would kindly suggest that you sit down with her and discuss your current and future goals regarding Islam. Insha’Allah, ask her to study Islam with you and discuss with her the importance of Islam, the value of the family unit, as well as a marriage based on Islamic principles. If she agrees, alhamdulillah, make dua for Allah to soften your heart regarding her.
If she does not wish to take this path, then for the sake of your Islam as well as the children, you may want to discuss an agreement that would be beneficial to you and her, and more importantly the children. Perhaps you could have joint custody. You may wish to start your life over, but consider staying in the same area due to the children. Additionally, being that she has a drug problem, I would kindly suggest insha’Allah, that her getting help for her addiction be a part of the contract between you and her. In fact, you may wish to consult a lawyer regarding custody of the children if she refuses to stop using drugs as it is a safety concern for the children.
A Difficult Beginning
Brother, I am sorry to hear that you had a rough life growing up. It can be really difficult when parents divorce, especially when you were so young. Due to difficulties in childhood, one may experience emotional hardships, conflicted feelings, or feel lost as adults. However, as adults, we do have the capacity insha’Allah to try to change our current understandings or needs so healing can occur. This is especially important when one has children so the same mistakes are not repeated. Healthy parenting is paramount for raising healthy children.
Getting Closer To Allah
Brother, there should be a Muslim community where you live now. I kindly suggest insha’Allah that you do not wait to connect Islamically. Please do check out the Masjids and Islamic centers near your home. Get in contact with the imam of your choice and discuss your situation with him, outlining your desire to have a fresh start. Insha’Allah you will find much warmth, acceptance, and support. To increase your involvement and strengthen your resolve, find out when there are classes, events, and other resources that could increase your knowledge base and iman. Insha’Allah, connect with the brothers at the Masjid, try to do social things to create a balance in your life, and form friendships that could last a lifetime. By doing this, it will increase your resolve to do the right thing. Also, Insha’Allah, take your children to the Masjid if you do not already.
As you are responsible for your children, you want them to be raised as Muslims. Again this could be put into a contract and worked out with their mother should she not accept Islam for herself. You may need a lawyer to work out your issues. I advise you to seek out legal counsel should your efforts to save the relationship do not work or if you are not willing to try to create an Islamic life with her.
Brother, you stated that you would like to live somewhere else to get out of the environment. However, our relationship with Allah and our commitment, strength, and resolve to adhere to Islamic principles lies within ourselves, not necessarily in one particular environment. While yes an environment can test us more, but this life is comprised of tests and trials. It is up to us to get through these tests and I am confident that insha’llah you will get through this-whatever you decide. Please do make duaa to Allah to guide you brother. Consider your options, and insha’Allah make the best choice based on Islam and your children. We wish you the very best.
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