As salamu alaikum sister,
Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing many problems. In different points in our lives sister, we all feel this way. I understand that you do not feel successful in life and that you are having a hard time keeping awy from haram things. You also desire to keep your prayers but it is difficult. You state that you lose patience for things and experience mood changes. You desire to change.
Problems Piling Up
Oftentimes things can feel really complicated and get overwhelming. We may feel the problems are piling up and we can no longer handle them.
Identification of what is Wrong
An important aspect of your question is that you have identified the things that are wrong in your life. This is the first step! Some people do not even know what the problems or issues are, they just have a general feeling that things in life are not good. You however, have insight and have identified the issues that need to be addressed. You also desrire change. This is a good start.
Having Faith and Confidence in Oneself
You stated that you do not pray properly, nor in the right way. You stated that you can pray five times a day but you cannot sustain it for over a week. You find it difficult to be consistent. You are concerned because you don’t have a strong Iman, nor a belief in yourself. That is a very important point. Sister, if you don’t have faith in yourself or believe in your abilities, how can you accomplish what you desire to? Change often involves believing that you are worthy and capable of change.
Increasing Self Confidence
Insha’Allah, the first steps would be to try to identify the positive traits and qualities that you do have and expand upon them. This may include starting a journal or writing a list of your strengths so you can read them everyday and increase your self-confidence, and to see your abilities. For instance, if you have a list and it includes such attributes as getting to school on time, you could transfer that quality of being timely with your prayers. You may wish to make a little chart and check off each prayer that you keep on time. At the end of two week you may wish to reward yourself for doing so. While the reward of prayer is our blessing to be able to pray to Allah in the first place, in situations such as this when we are trying to build up habits and self confidence, little rewards can often increase a goal we are trying to reach. Once you have completed four full weeks of prayer, you may havce developed the habit and desire to pray. It is said that when one does something consistently, it becomes a habit. This usually takes about 30 days.
Ending Haram Behaviors
While building up your prayer time sister, please do cut off your haram behaviors too. It may be that the reason you have difficulty sustaining prayers is because you feel guilty. It is difficult to engage in haram behaviors on a regular basis and remain close to Allah. When one knows they are sinning, guilt may keep them from seeking Allah’s pleasure and blessings. Please do make up your mind to change your life for what it is that you seek-Allah’s favor. Repent to Allah and make duaa that Allah helps you through your journey of restructing your life in a way that is pleasing to Him and benefical to you. Allah knows best.
Mental Health Issues versus Choices
Sister, you also discussed that because you don’t have patience, you engage in haram things. Again, this is something that you need to be aware of and make a conscious decision about whether or not you will engage in these things. If these are conscious choices you are making, you can change them. It will depend on how badly you seek change. If these are behaviors you cannot stop because of mood changes, then I kindly advise that you seek counseling in your area. There are certain disorders such as depression, anxiety, bipolar illness, and so on that can impede one’s ability to make good choices. If you feel you mayt be struggling with a mental health issue, please do seek out counseling.
You also talked about wanting to change your life and in the same reflection, you stated that your not being married. I am not sure if you were indicating that you wanted to be married, or were just stating you were not married. Sister, if you meant that you do wish to marry, I would kindly suggest insha’Allah that you engage a family member in your search for a spouse.
Healing and Setting things Right before Seeking a Spouse
Insha’Allah sister, it would be best to address the issues that you would like to change before you seek marriage. As you would like a husband that follows Islam, is kind, keeps his prayers and will be a good husband, a future husband will seek the same in you. Therefore it will be important that you do get back on track as far as keeping your prayers, getting closer to Allah, and building up self-esteem and faith in yourself.
Insha’Allah, do attend the Masjid as much as possible for prayers. This helps build good habits, draws us closer to Allah, and increases our iman. I would also kindly suggest insha’Allah, that you take Islamic classes in your area to increase your knowledge base, strengthen your resolve and increase and sustain inspiration. Additionally, as you want to possibly change your life in regards to getting married, you may want to look into pre-marital classes as well. Many times the local Masjid or Islamic centers offer premarital classes. This helps you to prepare for married life. They’re very fun and engaging classes and most individuals learn a lot.
Sister, insha’Allah if you want to change your life you can. The choice is yours. I understand that you feel that your mood changes however if it is something within your control, by implementing conscious habits and efforts towards change, then you should be able to obtain what you would like. If you feel that there are other things going on such as depression or anxiety that is getting in the way, please do seek out counseling to resolve the issue. We wish you the best.
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.