Practical ideas to get out of a sexual rut:

1. Do not wait till the mood strikes!

The idea of refusing to go to work until the right mood strikes would be ludicrous to most people since the repercussions for doing so would surely impact us negatively on many levels.

Yet this same limiting tactic is how many married couples approach their sex lives, resulting in severe repercussions to their relationship and their emotional and physical wellbeing. Don’t wait for the mood to come. Whether you are angry, moody, stressed or tired, have sex.

The great thing about sex in marriage is that it excludes all other people, making it the ideal escape while at the same time keeping our bond with our spouse strong.

2. Drop the word plan and schedule

Many experts may say that to get your sex life back on track you need to plan and schedule it. This often generates feelings of resentment and lack of inspiration. Sex is about pleasure and connecting, not a duty to be tolerated.

Couples should incorporate words like opportunity and chance into their vocabulary. Couples should instead frame it in their mind as creating sizzling opportunities. “The kids have a play date this afternoon. Want to meet up at home for our own little play date?” Seize every opportunity!

3. Add variety

Adding variety makes things feel new and exciting again. It takes the drudgery out of something old and makes it new. By adding variety to their sex life, couples often find themselves back in the honeymoon phase again. Variety does not always have to mean big changes, but if that is what you want then suggest it to your spouse.

Angail says changing things can be as simple as a different spot in a room, a different room in your house or experimenting with new positions.

4. Making your space your sanctuary

The bedroom is where a couple should find sleep, privacy, relaxation and a place to be intimate. So why do so many of us insist on bringing third parties into the bedroom? Laptops, cellphones and the TV are all distractions and do not belong in a couple’s sacred space.

How would a spouse know if he and she can initiate sex if the other is tapping at a screen or is glued to a favorite TV show? Make the bedroom a technology-free zone.

5. Touch Touch Touch

According to marriage expert Sheri Stritof, nonsexual touching and other signs of affection strengthen your marriage relationship, create a comforting and calming atmosphere in your home, build trust between the two of you, and deepen your intimacy with one another.

Do not let nonsexual touching become a thing of the past in your marriage. This includes hugging, holding hands and cuddling.

6. Pay Attention!

Sometimes all it takes is giving your spouse the attention they deserve. Couples should never stop paying attention to each other. It’s as easy as giving your spouse a compliment or letting them know they are valued.

One of the biggest reasons affairs occur in relationships is because couples stop paying attention to one another and then along comes an outsider who does. Couples need to spend time showing each other that they are still turned on and interested.

And perhaps Safiyya Jihad Levine hits the nail on the head when she says the one thing stopping Muslim couples from having a great sex life is themselves. “Qur’an and Sunnah make it clear what the boundaries are: no anal sex, etc. The ‘boundaries’ are few. But the cultural boundaries are many.”

And the fact of the matter is, couples that are able to maintain a strong sexual connection are the ones who place a high value to it.

First published: April 2014