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I Want to Marry My Cousin

04 April, 2021
Q I've been in deep love with one of my cousins, he too loves me a lot! Since my childhood, he has been my best friend due to similar age groups, he being a year younger! But since we wanted to make everything halaal, we decided to wait till our marriage age comes. I shared this with my mom and she refused and told me to forget him and even his mom showed disapproval! But the problem is we've been in love for quite a long time and it seems almost impossible to forget each other, but we also love our parents! Honestly speaking I've tried forgetting him several times. I've also stopped talking to him, even though now he lives in some other country, I literally cannot stop thinking about him almost every day in spite of trying my best not to! Please guide me! What should I do? Should I try to forget him! If yes, then how!? And what if I fail, it might ruin my future if I get married to someone else! I am just fed up of all this! I desperately want a solution!

Answer

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

Thank you for writing to us.

Congratulations on finding a compatible life partner! It seems that you and your cousin both know each other very well as best friends since childhood. I am sorry to hear that both of your parents have disapproved of the marriage.

I am very happy to hear, however, that you both held back from doing anything haram and decided to wait until you both got older so you could marry and enjoy the benefits which marriage brings. That in itself is a great accomplishment and may Allah (swt) reward you both for being patient and waiting. This decision to wait illustrates maturity, love for Allah’s (swt) commands, and a desire to please Allah (swt).

While I do not know any details about why your parents would object the marriage, I would kindly suggest dear sister that you sit with your parents and find out their reasons. Your cousin should do the same. While we like to please our parents as long as you both are of age, of sound mind and Islamically grounded, there should be no reason you cannot marry. In the Qur’an it states,

“And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing”.  (24:32)

As we can see, Allah (swt) encourages us to marry. And as long as the requirements are met there is no reason to forbid a potential marriage. In fact, by forbidding a marriage that is halal and forcing you (or your cousin) to marry someone else, the parents could be accountable to Allah (swt) on the day of judgment.

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Allah (swt) made it very clear as did the Prophet Mohammad (saw) that is it important to get the parents’/guardian’s approval and blessing for a marriage, but that marriage is an individual choice. If approval cannot be obtained by either of your parents for reasons which are not in alignment with the Qur’an, please seek the help of other relatives or perhaps a trusted imam.

It is possible to marry without your parents’ consent (though every effort must be made to get their blessings) as you are both adults. You have the right to marry whom you want within Islamic guidelines. While the marriage will be halal, there will be some rough times for awhile from both of your families until they have in sha’ Allah accepted your decision. I want to marry my cousinn

I kindly suggest sister that you make a list of your cousin’s good qualities and attributes. Also include your plans for married life such as how you will live and where, will you both complete college or does he plans to work,  etc. In other words, have a plan in place to present to your parents (and your cousin as well) which will help convince them that this marriage would be a successful one.

As he now lives in a different country, this may make things more difficult. When speaking with your parents about the subject, please have a list of authentic hadiths and references from the Qur’an to back up your rights to marry.

Lastly dear sister and most important, make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) for guidance. You both should make istikharah prayer regarding a final decision.

I understand you miss him as you both grew up together and formed a bond. In sha‘ Allah, it will work out that the two of you can marry. However, in the finale, sister, whatever Allah (swt) has decreed will be. If Allah (swt) did not decree that you marry him, then you must trust in Allah (swt) and move on with your life. The same applies to him. You both will know in time what it is that Allah (swt) has decreed for you both.

If marriage to one another is what you both feel is right after much prayer and contemplation, then do take what measures you need, to ensure your parents understand the seriousness of your intentions.

We wish you both the best.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.