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I’m Scared to Get Married!

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jan 08, 2017

Question

I am currently pursuing my graduation which will be over next year, in sha’ Allah. I like a guy and he wants to marry me right after graduation, but I feel I am not prepared. I know the guy but I dread being in a strange family. What if his mother or father or siblings don't like me or don't get off with me well? What if they don't let me pursue my studies further? What if they want me to stay at home? All these questions keep popping in my mind, and I am somehow convinced that I won't be able to adjust to his family. Living separately is not an option. In addition, I dread having kids, too. His family wants him to marry early, but what if my parents don't want to marry me off this early? I am not mentally prepared to move to another family but I see this is coming soon. What shall I do?

Counselor

Answer


I’m Scared to Get Married!

Answer:

As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum Dear Sister in Islam,

It’s very strange that you have told me nothing about the guy, except “I know the guy”. Do you have feelings for him?  Do you want him? Is he a good person? Will he help you get to Jannah? Do you like the way he treats you? Does he treat you with respect? Do you feel magnetism towards him when you are near him or are talking to him?

If you knew that he was the right one for you, because you answered all the above questions with a “yes”, all your other concerns about his family would not be as important to you because you would know that you want him no matter his family’s meddling!

Do you think that he will make you subject to his family’s way of doing things, as you described, if you marry him? Is that why you are afraid to marry him? If so, then it is an important information for you to use to decide if you want to marry this particular man. Will he protect you from their meddling and protect your – and his – right to decide how your married life together will be? Does he respect your concerns? Have you ever even expressed those concerns to him? If so, what was his reaction? Did he let you know that he would not let them treat you that way or that he would protect you from them trying to run – and maybe ruin – your married life together? Find out the answers to these questions, and then see if you can decide any easier!

Also, know that people’s cultures are corrupting our Islam: his family does not have the right to do all those things you mentioned. That will run your married life! Our parents become our “advising friends” after we reach young adulthood. That does not mean that we should treat them with disrespect when they boss us around. But it does mean that we should say to them nicely that Islam has provided for us the right to run our own married lives – and even our own lives. If you were to veer from Islam, then maybe (and I say maybe) they could get involved in that more. But, as long as you are not going against Islam, your duty to them is not to do their every bidding when it is about how you run your life. It is to care for them, i.e. make sure that they have their needs met such as food, clothing, shelter, fair treatment, and company. We are supposed to keep company with our mothers, but they do NOT have the right to dictate your life!

I hope this help, by the Will of Allah (swt).

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About Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem, an American, has a BA in English from UC Berkeley and is about to receive an MS degree in counseling psychology (Marriage and Family Therapy - MFT) from the Western Institute for Social Research. For over ten years, Nasira worked as a psychotherapist with the general public and in addiction recovery. For the last few years, she has been a life coach specializing in interpersonal relations. Nasira also consults with her many family members who studied Islam overseas and returned to America to be Imams and teachers of Islam. Muslims often ask Nasira what psychology has to do with Islam. To this, she replies that Islam is the manifestation of a correct understanding of our psychology. Therapists and life coaches help clients figure out how to traverse the path of life as a Believer, i.e., "from darkness into light", based on Islam and given that that path is an obstacle course, according to Allah.

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