I Want to Grow and Become A Better Person: Where to Start?

23 August, 2020
Q I am an 18-year-old striving to become a better muslimah in general.

I tend to get jealous, angry , lazy and unmotivated. I don’t like the feeling. I want to grow and be a better person but I don’t know where to start.

I just want to grow, change my mindset, be happy and please Allah.

I don’t know what to do and I often feel down for not knowing what to do.

Answer


In this counseling session:

The first thing I note here is that you are recognizing that there is a problem and you are reaching out for help. This is a great first step to take and puts you in a strong position to achieve what you want.

The first thing I would suggest is checking whether you are experiencing depression. You should seek ongoing professional support for this, either in terms of medication and/or counselling. 

Be with good people – surrounding yourself with good Muslimahs who will keep you firm in your Deen.

This should be supplemented with your own independent search for self development. Set yourself small achievable goals. 

You may even use this as an opportunity to learn something new which will be beneficial to you as a Muslimah but also for your self esteem too. 

Always make dua and ask Allah for guidance.


Wa alaikum salaam sister, 

The first thing I note here is that you are recognizing that there is a problem and you are reaching out for help.

This is a great first step to take and puts you in a strong position to achieve what you want. Even though you are finding things tough right now, you are certainly showing evidence of determination to reach your goal and in sha Allah you will. 

Possible causes

Moving forward from here, the first thing I would suggest is checking whether you are experiencing depression as the symptoms you have listed here are certainly similar to what someone with depression might experience.

If so, you should seek ongoing professional support for this, either in terms of medication and/or counselling. 

I Want to Grow and Become A Better Person: Where to Start? - About Islam

However, it may not have anything to do with depression at all and is just a cluster of feelings that describe what you are going through now.

If depression is ruled out then I would next suggest trying to identify if there is any potential reason behind why you are feeling this way. If you are not able to identify anything then perhaps there is no underlying cause, or perhaps it has not just come to mind in the moment.

If you cannot identify any cause, then next you might look to your triggers. Is there anything in particular that makes you feel this way? Or makes these feelings worse? If there was a cause and you missed it, then this exercise might even help you to uncover it.

If you are able to identify the cause and/or triggers this gives you something very specific to work with by targeting the root of the problem rather than going through a process of trial and error in trying to overcome your struggle. 

You may be able to get straight to the point, or you may have to try out a few different techniques, but in sha Allah you will find something that works for you and pulls you in the right direction to the goals you are aiming for. 


Check out this counseling video:


Good company

Be with good people – surrounding yourself with good Muslimahs who will keep you firm in your Deen can go a long way to overcoming the feelings that you are experiencing. There are multiple benefits to being in the company of such people.

They will be able to motivate you when you are feeling lazy, they will be able to encourage you to do good deeds and learn and practice Islam and they will provide you with support when you need it. These days, it’s possible to be part of such groups in your close community, or online too with sisters from all around the globe. 

This should be supplemented with your own independent search for self development. Set yourself small achievable goals. If you start setting your standards too high or beyond what you are capable of at this time you will quickly find yourself spiraling downhill. Again feeling negative about yourself and situation.

Begin by setting yourself a very small goal each day and as you achieve more and more each day you can build on this as your confidence increases as you achieve your goals each day.

Self esteem

You may even use this as an opportunity to learn something new which will be beneficial to you as a Muslimah but also for your self esteem too. For example, to accomplish this you might sign up to one of the many online Islamic studies courses online.

Alternatively, tasks you can do at home might be to read and/or memorise the Quran each day beginning with reading a single page each day and increasing with time. This will help to nurture your connection with Allah also as you find peace in your heart. 

May Allah reward your desire to please Him and may He make it something that is easy for you and that you will gain much from as you overcome your struggles and achieve your goals. 

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)