Answer
Answer:
Wa `Alaykum As-Salam,
Thank you for writing to us. Here are some thoughts for your consideration.
First, while we appreciate the fact that you are giving so much thought to girls and to getting married, we want to take this opportunity to remind you that in Islam, there is great emphasis placed on being emotionally, physically, and intellectually mature as well as being financially secure before attempting to bring another person into one’s life through marriage. Allah (swt) Most High has created us and knows well our strengths and weaknesses, especially with regards to matters of the heart. Allah (swt) has knowledge of our innermost thoughts and desires. To Him alone should we turn in order to seek confirmation of our feelings as well as to seek guidance and direction before taking any decision through the Istikharah Prayer.
Second, let’s be clear about the difference between having a “crush” on someone and “real love.” In common language, having a “crush” on someone essentially refers to a temporary, passing feeling of fondness, attachment, or even “love” most notably during the teenage years. Love is associated with a deep, profound, intense, and more permanent longing; whereas in the teenage years, one could possibly have a crush on a new person every day of the week. Love, in contrast, is not a feeling one can easily give up. Whereas there is little or no emotional involvement when one has a crush on someone, with love, the conversation is only about emotional involvement, about intense feelings, about joy, and about heartaches. We urge you to review your own feelings in light of the comments we have made here.
Third, among the “Islamic gentlemen rules,” one finds tremendous importance placed on the need to uphold dignity, modesty, and respect when interacting with members of the opposite gender. In addition, the interaction between men and women must be purposeful, limited, and occur in public settings. One can avoid having a crush on someone by doing one’s best to be conscious of Allah (swt) Most High and by limiting one’s interaction with that person so that one’s heart does not grow fonder and become attached.
Although it is impossible to deny what one is feeling, the strong among us are those who are able to exercise self-restraint by not behaving in a manner displeasing to Allah (swt). There is nothing wrong with falling in love with another person if one then makes every possible effort to marry the person. However, having a crush or falling in love with a person for the sake of satisfying one’s lower desires outside the institution of marriage could lead to sin and is displeasing to Allah (swt) Most High. We are clearly warned by Allah (swt) in the Quran:
“And go not nigh to fornication; surely it is an indecency and an evil way.” (17:32)
We should do everything possible to stay away from zina (fornication or adultery) and anything that could possibly lead us to zina.
Finally, we urge you to read about and learn more about marriage in Islam, especially its purpose and how to go about finding the a righteous spouse. You are asking all the right questions and, in sha’ Allah, with the help and guidance of Allah (swt) Most High, you will find the answers so that you can live life according to Islamic teachings. Make lots of du`aa’ to Allah (swt) to forgive you and to guide you.
Salam,
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