How to Deal with My Short-Tempered Father?

16 January, 2017
Q As-Salamu Aleikom. I am 27 years old from Indian occupied Kashmir. I’m married and recently working in KSA. Allah has blessed me with a baby girl. My problem is not big, but it has created a very difficult situation for me. My father is a short-tempered man; he gets angry on small things, he curses me in front of others. I am afraid of him. He blames me for everything. He loves money and he forces me to earn money. I love my father very much, but I need to know how to get out of this situation. He never listens to me. He always says that he has done a lot and earned a lot in his life, what have you done? I am frustrated. Please help me to get out of it. Thank you.



As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum,

I am sorry to hear of the emotional distress you are undergoing. However, I think you should not take your father’s words to heart and make it a cause of serious frustration. At this milestone in your life, you need to focus on your new family, especially your wife, who has just given birth, and your baby daughter. Taking your father’s words to heart will render you depressed and will hinder your ability make your own family strong and happy. Therefore, you need to approach conflict with calmness.

Approach conflict with calmness

One thing you must remember, under all circumstances, is to never express anger and contempt towards your parents.

Allah (swt) tells us in the Quran,

“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” (17:23)

In your case, there is a possibility that you are only able to perceive one side of the situation, which is you father’s anger. Perhaps, there is a reason to his anger. Perhaps, he thinks that, by insulting and demeaning you, he will spark a fire encouragement which will inspire you to earn more money and achieve a higher status. Or maybe he has gone through difficult times while you were just a child, and he feels that in order to have a secure future for your growing family, you need to work harder.

You mentioned that he loves money. Why do you feel this way? Perhaps it was his desire to work hard day and night and earn enough so that he can fulfill his obligations towards your family, and be able to provide you a decent and satisfactory life.

Try thinking positively. This will change your overall outlook on life.

Another means to improve your relationship with you father is through the intervention of another family member. Perhaps you can approach your mother, another sibling, or another relative who you can trust to be a good mediator between your father and yourself.

Sometimes, parents over indulge in their desire to see their children succeed and not realize the potential psychological harm they may cause unintentionally. However, if you discuss this with someone whom your father is near, their intervention may help settle down the frustration between both of you, in sha’ Allah.

Please your father

Whenever you see your father in anger, contempt, or unhappiness, smile at him. Replace his anger with your respect, love and thankfulness for him.

The Prophet (saw) said:

“The Lord’s pleasure is in the parent’s pleasure, and the Lord’s anger is in the parent’s anger.” (Tirmidhi)


‘The best of the deeds or deed is the (observance of) prayer at its proper time and kindness to the parents.” (Sahih Muslim)

Therefore, forget every hurtful word your father has ever told you. If you are trying to please your father as much as you can, and being a dutiful son, then rest assured that Allah (swt) will never be unhappy with you as you are fulfilling your right towards him.

In addition, try to surprise him by giving him little presents often. Take him out for lunch or dinner. Discuss your professional life with him. Fathers enjoy such discussions and feel that they are a part of your life.

Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet (saw) said,

“Give gifts and you will love one another.” (Al-Adab Al-Mufrad)

Do not be angry or sad

Next, I must tell you that a true believer should never feel frustrated although it is human nature to despair at the slightest change. The feeling of sadness will only manifest itself under our control. If we let sadness subside and bring out the positive side to an unhappy event, then we will surely not dwell in sadness. Sadness also drives a believer away from having true faith and will hinder productivity in all aspects of life.

Allah (swt) says in the Quran,

“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” (2:153)

Ask Allah (swt) to mend and strengthen the relationship between you and your father.

To achieve emotional calmness and patience, pray often to Allah (swt). Call on Him (swt) often. Use His names to glorify Him (swt). There is a solution for every problem in the world in the Quran, be it physical, emotional or psychological.

Do not let anything hinder your personal development

Sometimes, under some circumstances, it is hard to change situations and bring about change. In such circumstances, the best you can do, after having tried to please your father, is to not let his anger and irrational disappointment you. For letting his anger get in your own personal life will have negative effects on your daughter and wife as well. Therefore, when you are with your family, do not let the behavior of your father hinder you from being the best father you can be. Taking things to heart will cause a negative effect in your own life.

May Allah (swt) help you,


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