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Is It My Fault I Wish My ‘Abusive’ Parents Could Disappear?

12 October, 2022
Q Is it my fault that I by *accident* being rude to my parents, is it my fault that I don't like my parents and I wish they could dissappear, is it my fault that I want to be away from my parents, is it my fault and am I the sinner? When I'm only 12 years old and why do I have to give them what they "deserve" when they don’t even give me love. Some would say that oh they give you love, you just wouldn’t understand it. If love, so then why am I depressed, suicidal, cutting myself, hurting myself, breaking myself, hating myself, hitting myself, punishing myself over this "love".

I've been dealing with all these since I was 7. I had a few times my mom beaten me up. My mom insults me. And more stupid things she did.

I already got my first period. Yes.

But do you think it's my fault because first, I'm 12. What do they expect from a 12 years old? And my whole life I've been like this. People keep saying oh no matter what they do to you, you have to be kind and respectful. Sorry, I know I'm not that respectful but I'm 12 and since I was 7, I've been thinking about life. Do I even deserve to be alive? I never. Ever. Feel real love. I never. Ever. Feel respected. There are no boundaries. I could never set one. They are in fact Muslims but I think 99% of the time, I have to work it out all myself to find my path to Islam. They never listen to my tales, they don’t care, simply. And they are being overprotective, I'm like living inside a jail. I never have a place that I could call home, simply. Is it my fault that I'm being disrespectful.

I told them I'm not feeling very well, I even had a heart attack, they. Take it easy. I thought parents are supposed to "take care" of their children? I'm tired of everything. I cutted myself, attempted suicide at 9. It hurts? I can say?

Answer

In this counseling answer:

  • It is never OK for someone to hurt you, physically or emotionally.
  • You also have rights over your parents, and they should be nurturing you and supporting your growth and ensuring that you get the best Islamic upbringing.
  • It would be best if you sought some ongoing support. What is often helpful for people who hurt themselves is to have some talk therapy.

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakutuh sister,

There are lots of different things to think about in your situation, so it is understandable why you are feeling this way. 

Firstly, and most importantly, it is never OK for someone to hurt you, physically or emotionally, whatever age you are.

In this case, I would encourage you to seek refuge with a trusted family member. This will give you a chance to work things out and have a think about what’s going on in a different environment.

Your Rights As a Child

Yes, it is right that you must respect your parents and obey them (except if they tell you to do something that is not OK in Islam), but you also have rights over them, and they should be nurturing you and supporting your growth and ensuring that you get the best Islamic upbringing that they can provide. 

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Being More Independent

You are at an age now where you are becoming more independent and able to do things for yourself, and this can be hard for both the child and the parents. 

You need to learn how to do things like an adult and make choices for yourself, and this will often come with making lots of mistakes along the way. That’s OK, because that’s how we learn. 

Your parents also need to accept that you are growing up and are able to do more things for yourself now. 

That’s something that is very difficult for parents to deal with too. This will result in them coming across as protective, as you say they are.

It’s not because they dislike you or are trying to be unkind; they want to protect their child from any harm and are afraid for you to go out and do things for yourself without them anymore. 

As you can see, this is a difficult phase for everyone in the family. It’s not unusual for this to cause conflict between parents and their children at this stage.

With this in mind, it’s important that you are also able to have some level of sympathy for what they are facing, as much as they need to be able to have this sympathy with you too. 

This might help you to feel a bit more positive towards them too and treat them with more respect. This in turn will help them feel more positive towards you too.

Abuse Is Not OK

However, I will just say again, that whilst thinking like this might help to improve your attitudes towards each other, it doesn’t ever make it OK for them to abuse you if you should slip and be unkind.

Keeping this in mind as you move towards more independence, thinking about your feelings towards them not supporting you on your path in Islam, you could always link in with your local masjid and other sisters your age, see if there are any classes going on locally that you could be a part of. 

If your parents have a hard time with this, then you could come to some kind of compromise where they are the ones to drop you off there, or they can speak to the imam or person delivering the classes so they can know that they can trust the teacher who you will be spending time with.

Hurting Yourself: Seek Support 

As for hurting yourself, it would seem like this is a response to your frustration with what is going on, and once this is resolved, you will stop. 

However, I think it would be best if you sought some ongoing support for this. What is often helpful for people in this situation is to have some talk therapy, a space where you can talk to someone who is not part of your family openly about what is on your mind. 

Being able to talk through things in an environment like this can often be enough to help with emotions and make you feel more stable.

If your parents are aware that you have been hurting yourself, then I would hope that they will support you in getting this needed support for all of your sakes. Otherwise, you may turn to a trusted family member who might be able to help you get this kind of support.

May Allah make things easier for you and may He bring you happiness in your family. May He make you all happy and content with one another and help you all through these testing times.

More from Sr. Hannah Morris:

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Disclaimer:The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question.In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.

About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)