She loves children because they are perfect in her eyes. However, as soon as they start growing up, becoming independent and making mistakes, she complains about her being a failure. We cannot have a heart-to-heart conversation because it always turns into a screaming fest.
Living with my mother is scary. She is nice for a second and then starts yelling about something next. She is obsessed with image and reputation. For almost 20 years, I have tried to live up to her standards, but it’s impossible.
I am in a university program I half-chose (I couldn’t pick something she would be unhappy with). I cannot leave my house as long as I’m a student and have no financial independence. However, I already have self-doubt about my abilities.
I want to get married in the future but the thought of her involvement in my wedding day, as well as my married life, is daunting. I wonder if I should even bother trying.
Lately, she has been meaner than usual, as if she was sensing that I am growing up and getting out of her grip. Everyone always says to be patient with our parents because they were patient with us as babies. I don’t agree with this. I was a helpless newborn, not trying to make her life miserable on purpose. She is a grown adult who is aware of her decisions; it’s not the same thing!
My father is different, but he lives overseas for work. He doesn’t really do anything to stop her. He kind of found his way around her frequent and unreasonable agitation in a way that works for him (he doesn’t have to live with her).
My mom has always been hypercritical about my appearance. So much so that I became immune to her fat-shaming words. The lengths she would go to in order to deliver these messages through still hurt me.
I cannot live with someone who only sees the bad in me. She acts as if she were proud of me to other people but makes me feel like the ultimate failure for not being a doctor, or pretty.
Whenever I show any sign of uncertainty, my mom will make sure that I understand that I have no choice. If she sees me struggling, she blames it entirely on me and calls herself a failure.
It’s so much pressure, I can’t take it anymore! I often fantasize about dying in some sort of accident so that I don’t need to commit suicide. I dream of hurting her by being gone, astaghfirullah.
She favors my brother and lets him get away with hitting and insulting me because I am older. I’ve started defending myself which is making her hate me. I’m convinced she always has, for some reason. I gave my whole life to her.
I am being tested heavily in my family relationships, and I feel like I can only take so much heartache. I want to see a therapist so bad but I cannot afford it.
I pray every day for my mom to ease up on me, I don’t need anything else. I just need her to have a little bit of a heart. I don’t know what to do, please help!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
I am going to ask you to make decisions that will ensure a positive growth environment and mindset for you. In the case of your mother, she needs help.
Perhaps someone needs to tell her that you need her love, her acceptance, her time and kindness.
Express your feelings instead of bottling them up. If her sentence is bothering you, be more assertive and communicate your concerns in an open and respectful way.
Assalaamu Alaikum dear Sister,
Dear Sister, killing yourself and considering suicide is not an option. Everyone in life deals with people who are not the easiest to handle.
If your thoughts are overpowering, please consider speaking with someone in person. In-person communication is proven to lighten mental stress, and also helps to prioritize what is important.
You will need to learn to handle tough and intolerable people in life. You cannot avoid meeting such people. This is the reality.
You are now 19, but as you age, you will meet more and more people as such. For example, in university, you might not be grouped with the right team members.
When you start to work, one of your colleagues may not be truly accepting of you. When you get married, someone from your husband’s family may not be the nicest to you.
Will you consider suicide in all these situations? Why will you want to end your life? Life is meant to be paired with goodness and badness. A happy life is when we learn to deal with situations and people such as these.
Understanding parents
The problems you are going through at home with your mother are indeed not easy to deal with. Are you the oldest? I have seen many sisters, when oldest, subjected to parental criticism.
I am not sure why parents do not want to accept that their behavior may not be conducive to the growth of their child, but rather detrimental.
Their behaviors also create barriers between relations between parents and kids. I believe this problem is much more common in the western countries, with immigrant parents.
I know your mother’s behavior has no rationale, but in her mind, she sees something and expects something from you.
Seeing the problems around the world and in this country associated with kids making wrong decisions, she considers that her parenting style will prevent you from making decisions in life that will negatively impact you and ruin you.
Dear Sister, in order to change your life for the better, I am not going to ask you to be patient. I am going to ask you to make decisions that will ensure a positive growth environment and mindset for you. In the case of your mother, she needs help.
Lack of Communication
The biggest problem between you and your mother is lack of communication. You mentioned that there is no way that you can sit down and try to converse with her.
Perhaps someone else you trust should converse with her. Do you have a sibling, or does your mom have a sibling that she respects? What about your grandparents?
I strongly believe that your mother needs assurance that you will NOT be a failure as you grow and start to take on this world.
Perhaps she needs be told by someone she respects and loves that you are growing up strong, and that you are focused and can concentrate at school as well as can secure a good future.
Perhaps someone needs to tell her that you need her love, her acceptance, her time and kindness. Perhaps she fears she lacked as a parent and is hiding her emotions, so you consider her strong.
There may be many reasons. I strongly believe that below this surface level hatred and anger, there is a deeply emotional reason. However, like you, she cannot converse or communicate about it.
You also mentioned that your father is away, and doesn’t get involved much. This can be a great stressor for your mother. She feels completely responsible for you, and it is possible that her anger is the result of such great responsibility.
Be your mom’s therapist
Dear Sister, because your mother is unable to think from your perspective, you as a much rational person need to put yourself in her shoes. I can see that you are longing for your mother’s love.
I know how it feels when a parent does not want to communicate. Sometimes, the kids have to be strong and take on the responsibility of making sure the parents are alright. It is indeed hard, but sometimes this is what we have written for us to do—to mature, so we can help our parents.
Break the armor your mother has constructed around her. It needs to be taken off. You need to do this in other ways. I believe that your mother feels that you do not love her, or if you have siblings, that they do not love her.
She fears that her children will end up unsuccessful and she will be held accountable. She does not feel secure.
Express your feelings in an open and respectful way
You should try to communicate with her. For example, make coffee for her. Purchase something for her, or with her. I am sure she will not be readily accepting.
However, try doing this on a regular basis. Make coffee for her every day, sit where she is sitting without communicating or talking, do something on your own, such as homework. Simply be in her presence.
However, if she does start to talk about negativities, express your feelings instead of bottling them up. If her sentence is bothering you, be more assertive and communicate your concerns in an open and respectful way. For example:
“Mom, I understand that you care for and worry about me but you do not want to listen to me. Am I not capable of communicating my feelings to you? Can you not listen to me?
IF you fear something for me, why don’t you talk to me? Why must I be shamed and insulted by you? Dad is never here, and I feel that you are not here either. Please help me see.
You are never there to understand me. I want to succeed more than you want me to. I fear for my life as well, and I also fear failure. But I want you to advise me and direct me, not always insult me.”
Check out this counseling video:
Converse with her. Communicate in a way that she will not be able to turn into an argument. And if she decides to argue, simply sit quietly and continue with your work, in her presence. You need to break her behavior by being the nice one. Remember, if you consistently pour water over a rock, the rock will get a hole.
Reassure her
In your mind, you know her, and her behavior. She needs to know that you are no longer the 9-year-old she had to control. She needs to see that you are mature, and see her perspective in addition to sensing her worries.
Once she feels confident about the person that you are growing up to be, I can ascertain that half of her worries will be gone, and her behavior will start to change.
She understands failure. Perhaps you need to teach her that your choice will bring you success. She may not be aware of all the routes to success, or perhaps she feels that she is not able to direct you.
She loves you as much as she loves your brother
Lastly, your mother is not showing love to your brother more than you. She simply has placed a lot of expectations on you, more than on your brother. I need you to be strong if you want to change your life. She will not be controlling in a few years, if you two work out your feelings and expectations.
Salam,
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Friend Has a Bad Relationship with Her Mom; How to Help Her?