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My Fiancé’s Opinion on Raising Children Scares Me

25 November, 2021
Q A few days ago, I was talking with my fiancé about our future kids, and we got into an argument.

He said if his grown-up daughter/son will become a disbeliever or commits Zina without repenting, he will cut them off and disown them.

As far as I can recall, there are multiple verses in the Quran and hadith that are talking about the importance of kinship. So, isn’t it haram what he says?

Also, is there a different view regarding females and males who commit Zina? Do they have a different treatment? Is this idea Islam-based or just a misogynistic culture?

My last question is: until what age it is permissible for a parent to hit his child? If he is already an adult, is it still permissible to lay a hand on him?

I find his words extremely disturbing, honestly.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

The key is that these discussions happen amicably without major arguments.

The first thing to do is to consult Islamic rulings.

You, as parents also need to set good examples.

If you are unable to agree, then you have the opportunity to walk away.

Make your decision, pray istikahara.


Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Alhamdulillah that you are having these discussions before actually having children. You can both get such issues discussed and agreed upon beforehand.

Having different opinions between spouses regarding a child up brings is not unusual.

We are all raised in completely different environments with different rules. Therefore, what’s acceptable to some people is absolutely not to others.

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Sometimes it is very clear in Islamic ruling what is right and wrong, and other times it is not. Often, there needs to be a degree of compromise between husband and wife. The key is that these discussions happen amicably without major arguments.

Of course, it may get heated if you are both very strong in your opinions. However, it’s important to at least hear each other out and be aware of each other’s perspective of an agreement is to be made.

When there is no clear correct way, the first thing to do is to consult Islamic rulings.

If you both have a different opinion or understanding of it, then it is best to get scholarly advice on the matter. Make sure that everything is being done in accordance with Islam.

Please, get advice from someone of knowledge to be clear on what is OK from the Islamic perspective.

With the types of questions you have asked, I believe the answers should be straightforward. They may be difficult to accept by the one who doesn’t agree, but if the Islamic rulings are very clear, then it is important that, for the sake of Allah, you are both willing to make the compromise to raise your children in the correct way, according to Islam.

However, much of your questions also relate to situations that can be avoided with a good upbringing.

For example, raising your children Islamically should automatically deter them from zina. Of course, this doesn’t guarantee that they wouldn’t fall into this trap because many people do. However, it reduces the chances of it happening. It also reassures you that you have done all you can to ensure it doesn’t happen.

You, as parents also need to set good examples.

The other important thing to note at this point is that since you are not yet married,

if you are unable to agree on your future together, then you have the opportunity to walk away.

It is important that you believe you could work together successfully, especially when it comes to something as important as raising your children. You need to form a team.

Given your situation, you might turn to others close to you, especially your mahram. Get his perspective on whether he agrees to you marrying him, and his thoughts on your fiancé’s opinions too.

These opinions should come from people of experience who have your best interests in mind. Most importantly, consult a person of knowledge to ensure that you get the correct opinion the issues you have raised here.

Give yourself time to think these things through, especially now that you are in a strong position to really give it your time since you have not committed to a marriage or had any children yet.

Better to spend time thinking deeply on this proactively rather than reactively after the wedding and having children together.

It is a very important decision that should have sufficient time dedicated to such a decision. Most importantly, take the matter to Allah.

Make your decision, pray istikahara.

Ask Allah to guide you to what is best for you and your future children.

May Allah reward you for seeking knowledge in order to raise your future children correctly according to Islam. May He guide you and grant you a happy successful marriage and children that will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Amen,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general. They are purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)