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Mom Won’t Let Me Live My Life

28 February, 2021
Q Salaam,

My father died and I live with my mother. I'm single and as you can see by my age that I'm a grown up. There's no suitable match for me in my family for marriage. I also want to avoid cousin marriage because men in my extended family are mostly abusive and negative.

We don't socialize much because my mother has a strange fear of people. She doesn't want me to marry outside my family because she thinks people who don't belong to our family can't be good.

She also likes limiting me and holding me back. I lost a scholarship opportunity because of her because she thinks it's morally wrong for a girl to travel outside the country.

I don't have a father or brother, so, for now, it's really important for me to be self-reliant and strong. But my mother thinks we must be submissive and please our relatives by silently suffering and conforming to the family traditions instead of availing opportunities, extended our social circle etc.

I'm not talking about anything haram, but I hate it that my mother is obsessed with what distance relative think about us, whereas the same people have never stood by us during times of crisis.

I feel suffocated and emotionally tortured. My mother has a quite negative way of thinking and a very extreme personality. She ignores logic and uses her extreme manners to invalidate everything I say.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

•  You feel your mother doesn’t let you live your life. Communicate this to your mother and make her realize that you want different things in life than she does.

• Be assertive; use I statements.

• Since we are young, we are trained to accept and “swallow” what the society, culture or other people approve of. But you must understand that while these people will criticize you when you try to follow your goals, but none of them will be there for you in times of need.

• Ask Allah SWT for His Guidance and Mercy. Do an istikhara whenever you feel that you are in doubt. Be regular in your prayers and remain steadfast on Islam. If you strive to live a life that pleases Allah, Allah will always help you!

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As-Salamu Alaikum Sister,

I am sorry to hear that you are in a difficult position. In your question, you mentioned that you are a single girl living with your mother. Your father has passed away, and you do not have any brothers.

Further, you have mentioned that there are no appropriate suitors for you; since you do not wish to marry in your family as most of your cousins are abusive or negative.

Secondly, you have mentioned that your mother does not socialize much as she is wary of other people. Moreover, your mother feels a need to please distant family members, therefore, she is stopping you from going abroad and pursuing your career, dreams, and goals. On the other hand, you feel like you should be able to do what you want – especially since you also have to support yourself and your mother financially as well.

Mom Won’t Let Me Live My Life - About Islam

I understand what you have been going through, sister, and I empathize with you regarding your situation. I realize that it must be tough for you, having no siblings or anyone for your emotional support.

This is really a huge dilemma, especially in the sub-continent. Parents, without realizing, put the burden of unrealistic expectations on their children and feel as though this is their right.

From what you have stated, it feels like you are torn between fulfilling your own hopes, dreams, and life and yet parental expectations and also a sense of guilt make you feel that you deny your mother and what she wants.

Sister, be aware of the good and the beneficial for you. While your mother imposes her thoughts, fears, anxieties and her personal values on you, you should know the boundaries that set you and her apart.

Our parents often think of us as an extended version of themselves and forget that we may have different preferences, likes or dislikes.

While it is true that Islam gives an exalted position to our parents and their respect is obligatory on us, it also does not deny pursuing your own goals, especially if it is for the ultimate benefit for you and your mother.

Communicate with Your Mother

It seems that you are intimidated by your mother’s behavior. You have mentioned that she has a strong personality and you often feel “suffocated” by her impositions.

Sister, you need to understand that you are a fully grown-up adult and you have a right to your life. You have a right to think a certain way or want things other than your mother wants and not feel guilty about it. Communicate this to your mother and make her realize that you want different things in life than she does.

Be Assertive Regarding Your Feelings

We are often taught to not feel what we want to feel. At times, we get so used to dismissing our feelings that we even do not admit them to ourselves. To live a life that is happy, healthy and content you need to be aware of your feelings and also be assertive about them and convey them to other people. For instance, if your mother’s need to please people hurts you, communicate that feeling to her. Or if it evokes other emotions or feelings such as anger, disappointment, heaviness etc. then let her know how her behavior affects you.


Check out this counseling video:


When talking about your feelings, it is helpful to use “I statements”. For instance, you may tell your mother that “I feel that you are limiting my capabilities, by your fear of what people will think.” Or, “I feel hurt that you give more importance to what other people think compared to what I want” etc.

Making use of such I statements (rather than “you do this or you do that”) ensures that the other person listens to how you feel, without getting defensive.

Learn to Let Go of “Interjects”

Since we are young, we are trained to accept and “swallow” what the society, culture or other people approve of. These interjects from other people are supposed to govern our life.

When a person deviates from the norm of the society or culture, they will be bombarded with criticism, judgment, snide remarks and demeaning looks for other people.

But sister, you must understand that while these people will criticize you when you try to follow your goals, but none of them will be there for you in times of need. Therefore, you need to be strong and follow your path without regret or guilt. When you do face the opposition from people, be prepared and do not let it weigh you down.

Ask Allah SWT for Guidance

In the Quran Allah SWT says,

“Whoever Puts His Trust In Allah; He Will Be Enough For Him.” (65:3)

In another place Allah SWT says,

“Allah Does Not Burden A Soul Beyond That It Can Bear” (2:286)

Ask Allah SWT for His Guidance and Mercy. Do an istikhara whenever you feel that you are in doubt. Be regular in your prayers and remain steadfast on Islam. If you strive to live a life that pleases Allah, Allah will always help you!

In sha Allah, Allah SWT will make things easy for you.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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