I have written to you previously, and some of the advice has worked. I am writing to you today because I need help. First and foremost, deep down inside, I feel utterly hollow.
I have suffered from depression since I was 13 years old, and since then, I felt like my life has been on a slow decline.
Now, I am 23 years old, and throughout my life, I have gone through being suicidal, depressed, and having terrible Anxiety. ,
I have been to counseling before. I spent most of my youth in counseling, and the results were not helpful. It got to the point where I no longer visit a counselor. ,
As I mentioned before, for some awful reason, I feel utterly hollow on the inside, and cannot pinpoint exactly what the cause is.
When I explained to my close friends this depressing feeling, I described it as being empty/missing something. What that something is? Well, I do not know. ,
If you are wondering, I do not pray exactly 5 times a day. I struggle with it. I know I am not perfect, but I try my best.
I pray Zuhr, Asr, Maghrib, and occasionally Fajr (when I can wake up); however, I have not prayed Isha in years. I do read the Quran, but I am not avid.
Additionally, I notice that when I pray, I do not find peace. Sometimes, my mind is not calm, and I would feel antsy to the point where I want to get up.
I tried journaling as a form of therapy to help me with depression and hollowness, but it was not working.
When I wrote to a counselor prior, they said I should practice having self-love and hope; however, it always fails because I do not even know how to approach it. ,
I know as a person, I do tend to look back into the past even though I am living in the present.
Additionally, I also hold onto the negativity as much as try to grasp the positivity. If you are wondering, my youth was not daises (even though I wish it to be). I dated a lot and got my heartbroken immensely.
Some of the relationships were toxic––boyfriends were emotionally abusive and cheaters––to the point where I no longer believe in love and happy endings, or men as trustworthy individuals. ,
Friends have backstabbed numerous times and have used me for their gains (sometimes, I feel like it still occurs in the present).
I have been bullied/humiliated a lot, and I have been sexually harassed more than once.
These are just outside personal problems, not the ones that occur at home. As a result, because of all of this, I do have a lack of confidence, and I can either be extremely emotional or severely unemotional (to the point where I am heartless). ,
I have never opened up to my parents or siblings internally about how I feel because my parents would never understand. As for my siblings, who are younger than me, they are bullies.
Both of them are self-absorbed in their daily lives to even care. Another reason why I do not tell either of the two parties at home is that home is never a safe place to open up emotionally.
I did once try to open up to my mom when my dad was present about a career decision. As a result, I had a breakdown and started to cry. The response from my mother was, “Look, she is crying,” and the facial expression had no warmth/comfort.
The same response can be said with my siblings when I have breakdowns, or I am emotional. ,
My siblings and parents are headstrong people, and they do not ever / rarely get depressed.
On top of not being an emotional support system, I notice that whenever I wanted to do something, I have always been discouraged by them. And the discouraging usually happens with either saying something negative or laughing. ,
Also, something that has been bothering me (it is hard telling you) is whenever I looked at myself in the mirror I hate it. It gets to the point where I begin to cry. I look at myself and see all the scars/flaws in me, and I am disgusted.
In the 23 years that I have been blessed with life, dear counselor, I have never hated myself as much as I do now. I hate my existence…,
So, what do I do?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
If you ever feel that you may hurt yourself or others, please contact 1-800-273-8255, The National Suicide Prevention Hotline.
Increase self-awareness and learn what you have the power to change for the positive. Pick one circle you want to change and write down 3 goals associated with it.
Instead of seeing the past as moments of pain, see it as teachable moments for you to grow stronger and learn.
I want you to use lipstick or a writing tool and put a positive message about something you love in yourself in that mirror.
Use your journal to write down lessons from each bad memory in order to reframe them.
Always make duaa and continue to pray.
Seek help from a professional therapist.
Assalamu alaikum,
Thank you for writing in and trusting us with your concerns. It is my understanding you are struggling with depression and you have experienced suicidal thoughts.
To begin with, if you ever feel that you may hurt yourself or others, please contact 1-800-273-8255, The National Suicide Prevention Hotline.
While we cannot determine if you have clinical depression here, I strongly advise you to reach out to a professional therapist and/or psychiatrist.
They can provide a diagnosis and medication that is not meant to solve the problems but makes them less difficult for you to solve. Here is a basic idea of depression.
Depression Symptoms
- Difficulty focusing and finishing tasks
- Changes in sleeping patterns
- Feeling like a failure, disappointment in self
- Hopelessness
- Thoughts of self-harm or suicide (contact someone immediately, especially if you have plans on how to do it)
- Substance abuse
- Frequent crying or lashing out in anger
- Changes in weight and appetite
- Changes in libido
- Personal hygiene issues
- Isolative behavior and avoiding social interactions
- Loss of desire in activities
- General unhappiness that lasts for a prolonged amount of time
It is not unusual for us to experience one or more of these symptoms at some point in our life.
If you have experienced these symptoms for an extended amount of time, at least two weeks, and they start to disturb your quality of life then this is when clinical depression may be at play.
Exercise for Depression
This is not a replacement for professional help, it is an exercise that inshallah can help you become more self-aware.
1.Draw a circle and inside of that circle put your name.
2. Now draw 6 circles around that first one with a line connecting them.
3. In each circle write down the main topic then write down things surrounding that topic which attribute to your depression or negative feelings. Those main topics are life events, my personality, home environment, illnesses, genetics, and faith.
4. As an example, under the home environment circle, you may write “lack of family support” and under life events you may right “bad grades in school, or bullied by Jane”
5. Now, look at what you created with these circles, what does this indicate about you and what contributes to your depression.
This exercise is helpful in a few ways. It allows you to identify contributing factors that you can work on, factors you can discuss with a therapist and factors which are out of your control.
It is not what happens to you that matters the most; it is how you react to it. This helps you increase self-awareness and learn what you have the power to change for the positive.
Pick one circle you want to change and write down 3 goals associated with it. This is where hope and self-love come into play, you are going to give yourself new hope and increase your self-love by creating positive goals that align with increasing your happiness.
Professional Counseling
I know you mentioned previous experience with the therapist, but sometimes it is a matter of finding the right therapist and/or psychiatrist that matches well with you.
I suggest looking for a new counselor and attempting professional counseling again. You can take the paper from this exercise with you to explain to them some factors you have already identified.
Check out this counseling video:
Past is the Past
You mention living in the past, specifically in memories that are full of pain and betrayal.
Sister, I will share something personal with you in the hopes it inspires you.
I have a lot of trauma in my past beginning at childhood, I was hurt more times than I can count and usually by people that I was supposed to be able to trust.
I understand that this hurts our self-esteem and makes it very hard to be vulnerable to others, but inshallah you can heal from this and it can become a special strength for you.
It is time to re frame the past and change how it impacts you emotionally. The past made you who you are today; a woman with deep insight into the emotion that feels everything on a high level.
This can be a blessing, usually, those who hurt so intensely are also capable of loving so intensely and being empathetic to others.
Instead of seeing the past as moments of pain, see it as teachable moments for you to grow stronger and learn. Use it as fuel to avoid putting yourself into similar situations and ask yourself what you can learn from each one.
Journal Repurpose
Take the power away from the person who hurt you. You can do this by using self-talk. Let’s use that journal you stated did not help you and re purpose it for this.
When a memory comes into mind that causes you pain, write down a brief description then underneath that write down something you can learn from it.
Read that over a few times then say out loud “I will let the pain go and embrace my new strength”.
It might feel silly to say this, but we tend to embrace new ideas better when we say them out loud or writing them down, so they become more real.
Mirror Exercise
You mentioned the mirror is difficult for you. We will take this slowly. I want you to use lipstick or a writing tool and put a positive message about something you love in yourself in that mirror.
Some ideas for this are “I love my blue eyes”, “I love my intelligence”, “I love how caring I am for animals”, “I love how well I bake cakes” etc.
It can be anything, if it makes you grin to say it then please use that one! Write down a few small sentences like this around the mirror.
When you look at the mirror, take a deep breath and say bismillah. Then scan all the positive sentences with your eyes while reading them out loud. Then look at yourself for a brief moment and say “I am beautiful”.
I know this might seem awkward at first, but if you do this daily inshallah over time you’ll begin to feel differently about looking at your beautiful self in the mirror.
Final Thoughts
Moving forward, here is a summary of your next steps.
Consider professional counseling.
Utilize the circle exercise to identify factors in your depression that you can begin changing now.
Utilize the mirror exercise to increase self-love. Try to do this daily and leave the nice comments up.
Use your journal to write down lessons from each bad memory in order to reframe them.
Always make duaa and continue to pray.
I know this is a difficult time for you, but inshallah in time you can triumph over these struggles and even be a more grateful woman because you’ll know what it feels like to struggle.
May Allah (most honored and revered) heal your heart, guide your steps and make it easy on you,
salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.