Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,
May Allah (swt) grant you wisdom and patience with your abusive dad.
Firstly, praying alone does not make one religious if one’s character does not reflect virtue. If one’s character and state of the heart are not transformed by the rituals practiced, it means the rituals are empty of spiritual nutrients. If your father is constantly abusing your mother, he may have deeper issues of pain and diseases of the heart that will require treatment.
Your mother must give him good counsel as the Prophet (saw) said: “The Deen is Nasiha” (This path of religion is good counsel/sincere conduct). The explanation of this hadith teaches us that good counsel is to God (
The explanation of this hadith teaches us that good counsel is to God (swt); in other words, it’s our obligation to call people to live in accordance with God’s sacred values and principles. This means if someone harms or oppresses a person, it is our duty to attempt to counsel this person towards what God (swt) loves.
In your case, your father should be counseled regarding his return to God (swt) and that he will be accountable for his treatment, especially with his family.
Your mother must also start speaking up against his injustice. The more silent she remains, the more she enables him to act abusively and set the pattern of their relationship.
There are numerous places in the Qur’an where prophets give their community advice and call them to right actions. This is the prophetic example and is certainly one of the ways we should follow. We must call out against the wrong we see in our families and use wisdom to facilitate healing and goodness.
As far as your marriage plans, it is not haram that you speak with the brother. As long as you maintain honor and do not go beyond boundaries of good conduct, it is not wrong for you to speak on the phone – as far as I know.
In sha’ Allah, when the time is best, God (swt) will facilitate your marriage and you two must keep taking the means to make it happen.
You both have intentions to get married. Currently, this is not feasible due to him taking care of his sisters. If you feel this condition of waiting until his sister is married is not reasonable (it could take ten years for example), then you should discuss this with him and take the necessary steps forward if you two are ready.
Your focus should be on God (swt), your studies, and your family dynamics.
Speak to your mother and siblings about what is going on. Try to come up with a plan and facilitate counsel to your father.
If necessary, get other family members that you trust involved to help. It is important that everyone gets involved; this will show how important this issue is.
If we ignore and avoid what is wrong in our families, then the dynamic continues. Make it a goal to help one another become a stronger family in sha’ Allah through respectful communication and counsel based on character and conduct according to the teachings of Islam.
If your parents respect Islam, they must respect its values and show sincere efforts to practice them. Mercy, compassion, justice and truth are good values to start with. Ask your parents what these mean to them and how they should look and feel in an application of the family.
Here are some tips on how to give advice and counsel:
– Start by praising your parents and reminding them of the good you see in each of them. 
– Seek permission to share some important information with them and get them to commit to space.
– Once you are all seated, remember God and make du’aa’ for guidance. In your case, you could start your family meeting by reading Fatiha together and ask God to give you all openings, forgiveness, and wisdom.
– Be honest and share what you need to say with I statements. Two formulas you can use are:
- “I feel (emotion) because of this (event or act) “
- “I am noticing these (acts/behaviors) is contrary to our values because….”
- “How do you feel about what I am saying” & “What are your thoughts on this matter?”
– As you share your feelings, speak from your heart; be sincere and keep eye contact whenever possible.
– Avoid being judgmental and critical. This means do not attack your parents’ character but show that you do not agree with certain behaviors and ideas.
– Try to agree on action items as a family. For example, if anyone notices an act or word that does not have ihsan (perfection, excellence), the others step in and offer feedback.
In sha’ Allah, these tips will help you get started on your journey.
May God give you and yours success,
Amin,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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