I Believed He Would Propose to Me, but…

03 March, 2021
Q I am a born Muslim and re-found Islam a few years ago after a tough decision that Allah helped me make right after high school ended. At uni, I fell for a guy. He wasn't overtly religious but I used to get what to me were signs from Allah. I thought he was my reward for fighting the temptations of youth, and of being a hostile far away from family. He was very popular and friendly with girls, and I was cautious because of this, in spite of my feelings and the signs. But I had this hope in Allah that things were going to change. I used to be thrown in that guy's path, so many times, it made me so uncomfortable because of my modesty and his personality, but I knew Allah had a plan and doesn't humiliate. Towards the last few years, he gave me a lot of attention and I was almost sure we would end up together and there was more to our story and that he would propose. However, we graduated some months back and I got no closure regarding him. In the last few days, he fixed things with an ex of his and I was heartbroken to hear rumors of them being together. He denied it to people but didn't propose to me either. I keep wondering if I have been played with. I have been fighting strong desire all my life, my heart wants a home and I only have his thought to cling to. He, like our other classmates, is moving on to further study and life, and I am stuck and unable to remain productive for long. I have been in a bad state of depression, those signs that I used to get have stopped, and most importantly, my connection with Allah has also altered. I was a good girl, I had an early puberty, I was considered pretty, and it wasn't easy to keep all men at bay, but I was so careful and tried my best to do what I could to not go near zina. I am tired of fighting now. I know I actually need to fix my connection with Allah, it is Him I truly need. Please help me.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

“I encourage you to thank Allah (swt) for saving you from something that would possibly hurt you down the road or led you away from Allah (swt) completely. Make a list of the things you would like to accomplish next in life and set steps towards getting there. Spend time with your Muslim sisters doing enjoyable things until your emotions calm, and make extra efforts to get back to where you were in regards to your relationship with Allah (swt).”


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum  sister,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand, you were born Muslim and a few years ago began concentrating on your faith and drawing closer to Allah (swt) after a difficult period in your life. You then got caught up in a situation with a boy at your university wherein you had feelings for him even though he was not religious.  You stated that despite this, you had what you thought, were signs from Allah (swt) that he was meant for you as a possible future spouse.  After graduation, however, you found out he was back with his x, and this devastated you.

Sister, as you did not mention you and this boy engaged in any haram acts, I will, therefore, address your question on the premise that you did not. Based on your question and what little bit you did say about yourself, I see you as a very pious, young lady who did not commit a haram act with this boy; a pious young lady who got hurt as you allowed your feelings to grow for this boy which is natural sister and has happened to most of us.

As you have been focusing on getting closer to Allah (swt) and keeping yourself chaste all these years, you viewed this boy as a “reward” from Allah (swt) for doing so. However, have you ever asked yourself, “Why would Allah (swt) reward me with a potential husband who is not that religious, has a lot of female friends and an x girlfriend?” To me, this does not sound like a reward, sister. It sounds more like a punishment (for lack of a better analogy).

Why would you want to settle for someone who is not concerned with his relationship with Allah (swt)? Who may have no fear of Allah (swt)? Who has had at least one x girlfriend that you know of, and possibly more? Who flirts with many girls feeling’s so non-nonchalantly?  Do you not think that Allah (swt) would reward you with someone who is a practicing Muslim, who is sincere and keeps himself chaste?

Instead of looking at this boy as a “lost reward” from Allah (swt), dear sister, perhaps after you think about the actual facts of the situation, you will begin to look at it as either a test or as something that Allah (swt) kept from you in order to keep you safe as you are precious to Him.

Often times, sister, when we draw closer to Allah (swt) and focus on becoming better Muslims, we are tested. Perhaps this boy was your test to see if you would remain close to Allah (swt) or if you would put your emotions for this boy above your relationship with Allah (swt). While I understand the frustrations you are going through, wanting a marriage, a home, and intimacy, these things will come to you in sha’ Allah dear sister, but you need to trust fully in Allah (swt) that He has what is best for you waiting for you.

Do you feel this boy was best for you? Please do make a list of the qualities you seek in a husband and then make a list of qualities this boy possesses that match this. To help you further, make a list of this boy’s good qualities and his negative ones. Please look at him closely from an Islamic perspective, as a Muslim. Is he the type of boy you would refer to your young sister, cousin or friend as a suitable marriage partner? I think not. The same expectations you would seek from a boy for someone you love should be the same criteria you should seek for yourself.

As he and your other classmates are moving on, I suggest you do the same, sister. Allah (swt) blessed you with intelligence, beauty, and a close relationship with Him. You are a pious servant of Allah (swt) which means all good blessing will come to you in time. In Allah’s time, and Allah knows best. Alhumdulilah this boy did not propose; who knows how far away he could have taken you from Allah (swt) as he himself is not that religious.

Please do look at the blessing in this, sister, and look at it as a test you passed. You stated that you know you need to fix your connection with Allah (swt). Many people who go through the test (and we all go through many tests) do not know they need to repair their relationship with the Most High. You know, therefore, your connection with Allah (swt) is still there, otherwise, you would not be cognizant of the fact that you are in need of help from your Creator.

I kindly suggest that you look at this experience with the boy as a blessing and a test. I encourage you sister to thank Allah (swt) for saving you from something that would possibly hurt you down the road or led you away from Allah (swt) completely. Do make a list of the things you would like to accomplish next in life and set steps towards getting there. Spend time with your Muslim sisters doing enjoyable things until your emotions calm, and make extra efforts to get back to where you were in regards to your relationship with Allah (swt). This in itself will aid in your healing, open your eyes to what you just went through as well as make you feel happy that things did not turn out the way you hoped.  Allah (swt) has something better for you sister, just be patient and trust in Allah (swt), knowing He is keeping you safe.

You are in our prayers.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.