“He Isn’t Arab, You Can’t Marry Him” – My Parents Said

03 August, 2021
Q I am a Muslim Arab girl. I was raised in a family where religion and culture are very important. Two years ago, I met this guy from Afghanistan at school.

We started talking and going out. Our friendship turned into love, so we made our relationship official as of " girlfriend" and " boyfriend."

Through our relationship, we crossed the lines and we had sex.

Now my boyfriend wants to propose to me and make things right, but my parents are rejecting him because he is from a different culture.

My parents keep saying that he is not from us, meaning that he is not from the same country.

My parents threatened to lock me in the house if I chose to keep talking to him.

I do not want to give up because I want to fix my mistake and become pure in front of Allah.

My parents and my brothers are rejecting the guy and I do not know what to do.

Should I tell them that I lost my virginity to this guy so I can marry him? Or shall I seek Allah’s help and make duaa?

I am really frustrated and I am in need of advice to what do.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

Your parents can’t force you to marry or not marry the person that they want.

If they are concerned about the status of your relationship, that is, having haram relations, then they have every right to be concerned for you and your actions.

Take time to consider your options and revisit them time and time again.


Assalamu alaikum,

The situation you are in is very common. Unfortunately, families often want their members to marry from their own culture or tribe without giving any thought to anyone outside of this. This can make things difficult for people like yourself who wish to marry outside.

“He Isn’t Arab, You Can’t Marry Him” - My Parents Said - About Islam

Situation

Suppport AboutIslam.net

There are a few things to keep in mind about this situation. Your parents can’t force you to marry or not marry the person that they want. Whilst it is important to obey your parents, you don’t have to if they are commanding you against Islam.

It may be argued that in this case, they are since Islamically race doesn’t matter. It is taqwa that counts in the sight of Allah, so his race should be irrelevant.

However, to disobey them could bring serious problems into your family and so you may consider if it would really be worth disobeying them if it would cause much turmoil and heartache.

Their point of view

Furthermore, if they are concerned about the status of your relationship, that is, having haram relations, then they have every right to be concerned for you and your actions.

Having fallen into haram solely in terms of having a relationship outside of marriage may make them even less likely to be happy with you marrying him. They might fear that he may cause you to slip into further sin.

However, these are all things you need to think about yourself when making a choice. Weigh up your options, consider all alternatives and think of the consequences of each. Pray istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to make the best decision.


Check out this counseling video:


Take your time

Don’t make a decision in a rush. Take time to consider your options and revisit them time and time again.

You might even write them down so you can visually see the comparison of your options and you can add to then as you think of more. Write down the strengths and weaknesses of each option.

In this process don’t forget to ask for Allah’s forgiveness, for He loves to forgive.

May Allaah guide you to make the best decision and ease relations with your family.

Amen.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)