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A Career Woman: I’m not Sure If I Want to Marry

28 June, 2017
Q Assalamualaikum. I am a 31-year-old career woman and breadwinner for my family. At this age and being single in my entire life has made my mom worried. I have met several candidates and some, in my opinion, has met criteria set by Islam such as not neglecting Salah and other obligations. However, as I have been independent plus driven by the professional career that I have, it is difficult for guys to approach me and when they do, I felt there is a huge gap between us in terms of thinking and lifestyle. I want to follow sunnah Insha Allah, but I am afraid that I could not support my parents and still-student sibling if I settle for less. Also, this passion of being a globetrotter had me thinking that I do not want to be bound with somebody else unless he shared the same passion with me. Is it wrong to have such principles?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

The counselor advises the sister to make a list of the pros and cons of getting married and remaining single. She advises her to look at her lifestyle now and consider what she may want in the future. She also encourages her to do some soul-searching to see if there are some other reasons as to why she does not want to marry and make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) for guidance.


As-Salamu ’Alaykum sister,

Thank you for your most important question. As I understand it, you are 31 years old, a career woman, and you are the sole supporter of your family. Your concern is that you are not sure if you want to marry as you have been independent for so long and also support your family and you also have dreams of being a „globetrotter”.

Sister, please do consider the following things. First, you may desire one who has the same goals and dreams you have, yet often we find happiness and balance in marriage partners who have some differing goals as this creates a balance.

Also, maybe in five years from now, you may not have the same dreams of globetrotting and the status of being independent and carefree may not be as appealing anymore. You may long for the comfort of a husband; you may desire sexual relations, children, and intimacy both physically, emotionally, and mentally. You may wish you have someone to share your life with.

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The men who have approached you for marriage may have been suitable partners. Did you tell them that you are the sole supporter of your family? Did you tell them of your dreams to „globetrotting” one day, and if so sister, what was their response?

Concerning your financial fears, if you did marry, your husband’s income would only add and enhance yours, thus, increasing the money you both would have. Therefore, I am confused as to how it would impede your ability to support your family.

Sister, could it be you are setting an income requirement so high on a marriage partner that it would be almost impossible to meet? If so, please, look at your reasons for doing so. While monetary riches in this world can come or go at any given time, I encourage you to seek out something in this life that is more stable and lasting.

While it is true that no marriage is guaranteed, there is a beauty and solace in forming a solid relationship with another human being for the purposes of marriage. Strong marriages have outlasted life’s hardships and provide a refuge against life’s hardships. While it is possible you have not experienced a lot of hardships, you never know what life will bring. A loving, Islamic husband would be a treasure. The Qur’an states,

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (30:21)

I would kindly suggest, sister that you look deep inside of yourself and make a list of all the reasons you do not want to get married. It seems to me there may be more to it than what you are saying, Allah (swt) forgive me if I am wrong.

Make another list of all the benefits and reasons to marry. Compare your two lists and pray to Allah (swt) for guidance in this matter.

I understand your desire to remain independent. It can be a daunting thought to share one’s life with another and have obligations to that person as well as the possibility of giving up some of your freedom. However, in a marriage relationship, there is, in sha’ Allah, a benefit to those things we may have to give up. It just takes some time getting used to.

For instance, instead of going out to dinner with your friends once a week, you could go out for dinner with your husband or share a nice, intimate meal at home. Instead of having to be responsible for the maintenance of bills, the upkeep on your home, a husband may assist with this. Instead of praying alone, you could share your Islamic life with one who loves you and wakes you up happily for fajr prayer. These are just a few of the examples of some of the benefits you would have if married.

You stated you feel a huge gap between you and your past suitors in terms of lifestyle and thinking. While you did not elaborate on this, I would kindly ask you to define and list these gaps and decide which ones are truly vital and important in your life as a Muslim and as a woman.

While you seem to have a wonderful career and many accomplishments for which you should be proud of, there is also the side of humanness in which I am sure you do desire to be loved, to be held, and to make love, to maybe have children, to have someone there for you. Please, explore this part of you, sister, and determine if you are able to live without these most basic needs or if you do desire to experience these joys which marriage brings.

At the end of the day, it is only your decision. While marriage is sunnah and it is prescribed for us, some people actually do live very well without a life partner. It can be very difficult and lonely at times and rewarding at others.

Please, make the list of pros and cons; look at your lifestyle now and consider what you may want in the future. Please, in sha’ Allah, do some soul-searching to see if there are some other reasons as to why you do not want to marry and make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) for guidance.

You are in our prayers. Please let us know how you are doing.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.