Before I came to ask this question, I read other questions related to this. I am still addled.
I met a brother in a language learning app who studies medicine like me. Since he is a native speaker in the language I practice, I wanted to learn more from him. And I messaged him on email.
We talked through emails, sharing Islamic, scientific, political, cultural information and so on. Then we started to trust each other and we passed to Whatsapp.
He is such a nice fellow to learn together and we both feel like we are soulmates. The thing is nobody has the lock of their hearts.
I admire that bro yet I don’t “love” him. Yet I do know that if I keep talking more to him, I will be affected more and more.
I don’t want to say to him bye nor do I want to make mistakes. We never met either.
We don’t exchange photos. Since there is a time gap between our countries, we talk much less.
I didn’t think that I’d feel in this way yet he is such a righteous person who became Muslim searching himself. What should I do? Thanks in advance.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
I am certain that you are feeling this way because you are at a point in your life where such feelings and thoughts are bound to occur.
But we have to be very careful and make sure this is about a true love. This is because most of the time, such feelings are not feelings of true love, but rather they are infatuations and desires.
We must first seek Allah’s help and direction, a network for finding the right individual, ask questions, consult people for advice, and then seek Allah’s guidance again.
Secondly, if you are sincerely interested in marriage, then I highly suggest that you answer important questions (below) and learn more about what you would like in a marriage.
If you decide to approach him on the subject of marriage, only go as far as a yes or a no.
Do not continue the discussion further without the involvement of an elder if the answer is a Yes.
Assalamu Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to provide an answer and guide you.
Marriage is a very important milestone in our lives and a very important part of Islam. Marriage is a Sunnah of Prophet Mohammed SAW.
Even Allah SWT addresses the importance of marriage and the blessings brought about it in the Quran.
However, this certainly does not mean that we need to rush into it.
We must first seek Allah’s help and direction, a network for finding the right individual, ask questions, consult people for advice, and then seek Allah’s guidance again.
Your concepts
If you are sincerely interested in marriage, then I highly suggest that you answer these questions and learn more about what you would like in a marriage.
- What is your concept of marriage?
- What are your expectations of marriage?
- What are your goals in life? (long and short-term)
- Identify three things that you want to accomplish soon.
- Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.
- Why have you chosen me/another person as a potential spouse?
- What is the role of religion in your life now?
- Are you a spiritual person?
- What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
- What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?
Acknowledge the root of your feelings
I am certain that you are feeling this way because you are at a point in your life where such feelings and thoughts are bound to occur.
Most of the time, these feelings are not feelings of true love, but rather they are infatuations and desires.
You cannot simply deem a brother “righteous” or “non-righteous” by having a few conversations with him online.
I am glad to hear that you haven’t done anything forbidden in any way.
However, I am also certain that if you continue to converse with this brother, “forbidden” acts may stem soon.
Weighing the future
With regards to speaking to this brother about your feelings, you need to first find out what type of person you are.
I know a few girls from my university who shared their feelings with the guy they were interested in and ended up being politely “rejected”.
These girls took it to heart and were depressed for a few months and failed a few courses in university and became unhealthy and miserable.
In other circumstances, when a few other girls “accepted”, they were very ecstatic and gave up their education altogether. To become a full-time stay at home wives.
Then they were not happy after two to three years of marriage. They realized that they gave up everything very fast. Therefore, you need to prioritize your values in life.
Check out this counseling answer:
Given that you are in medical school, it is possible that rejection will not make you feel like the world has come to an end, but you need to realize that it may potentially damage you psychologically and emotionally.
In addition, what if the brother wants you to make sacrifices, and will you be willing to give up medical school and a potential future as a doctor.
Therefore, be very careful in how you handle a yes or a no.
Therefore, if you decide to approach him on the subject of marriage, only go as far as a yes or a no. Do not continue the discussion further without the involvement of an elder if the answer is a Yes.
Salat of Guidance
If you are genuine in your feelings towards this brother, I ask that you pray the Salat of Guidance.
I want you to pray it for continuously 7 days or 14 days, without speaking to the brother.
There is no number of days that is recommended religiously, but I am simply speaking about something that I’d do.
I would give myself time when consulting Allah because praying simply for a day or two will definitely not make me think deep enough or without bias.
Jabir Ibn Abdullah said,
Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) used to teach his companions to perform the prayer of Istikhara for each and every matter just as he used to teach them the Suras from the Qur’an He used to say, “If anyone of you intends to do something, he should offer a two rak`at prayer other than the compulsory prayers, and after finishing it, he should say the supplication.” (Sahih Bukhari)
Essentially, the prayer will guide you towards what is right and will deter you from what is wrong. This will not be in a form of a dream or anything.
What is right will become easy to pursue and what is wrong will be removed from your pathway.
When you are seeking Allah’s counsel, you must not be thinking of preferring one direction over the other.
You must simply seek to attain what is sincerely better for you for this world and the afterlife.
Also, after maybe the seven days, you feel inclined towards this brother, and the feelings are stronger, you need to get someone you trust involved.
It can be your mother or father, a sibling you trust, older preferably.
Because if you move in this direction without the guidance of an elder, then things might get out of control.
Whether or not he is written for you, it can only be determined through serious and decent communication.
This is not something that can be determined without communicating with him about his interests and feelings.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment and its success is dependent on compatibility, attraction, and personality flow.
Emotional connection
Dear sister, sometimes, when we feel the urge to get married to prevent the possibility of falling into sin, then we become biased towards any potential individual because we are not capable of thinking straight and rationalizing.
We are only interested in getting married to prevent ourselves from sinning.
Therefore, you need to think about this and discuss this with your parents before you take any steps.
You must also ensure that this individual has an emotional connection with you. And there are four questions that you must answer YES to:
- Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
- Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
- Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
- Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
If things result in a NO, then you must take it is as a form of blessing from Allah, and have complete trust in the fact that what was meant for you will never miss you and what you are not meant for you will never reach you.
Marriage is the foundation of our lives as adults. It is the foundation of society and most importantly, it is the foundation of the Muslim Ummah.
We must be very careful when making any decision regarding it.
I pray that Allah SWT makes easy for you what is best for you in this world and the afterlife.
salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.