How to Convince Him that I’ve Become a Better Muslimah?

01 August, 2020
Q Asalamllekum sister,

I am a 27 years Muslim girl, I started my career back in 2015 and relocated to another City. Before that I used to be very religious but a couple of incidents made me hard on my iman and I started blaming Allah and my kismat.

Soon after that I strayed far from islam , my emotion and anger was too high, I started feeling Allah is not fair with me, because I never understand Quran.

Back in 2017 in met a guy , and I found him to religious, kind, and a good guy, I fell in love with him, we had a relationship, he was too generous with me, even though we both were completely opposite people we still respected each other and loved each other.

In March 2018 I met a non Muslim guy, he was a good friend, and I started to spend time with him, i had this problem I am too expressive and I need someone to talk to.

My guy is an introvert person and he doesn't like too much talking, but still he managed to give me time and importance even I feel it was less for me. This non muslim gets into my head, he was too manipulative but I never understood that, I started getting involved in him, this happened while I was in a relationship with my guy, I never thought I went on a wrong path and I committed zina.

I realized that and stopped talking to that guy but this is in my nature that I forgive people, He asked for forgiveness so many times and I forgave him, we were friends.

After 2 years my guy came to know about this incident and we both were so happy with each other, we were about to get married but He lost all his trust after whatever happened. I lost someone who I love so much he left me suddenly.

I realized that I was too far from islam and by the mercy of Allah I came to the right path, I repented for all my sins, I tried my best to convince my guy that I am a new person.

I loved only one guy in my life and I never thought of living my life without him , he used to tell me I forgive you but I will never come back, I convinced him in an islamic manner and talk about Hadith. He is so hurt an angry that I betrayed him.

He is not willing to forgive me and start a new life, I love this man more then anyone, and that dark side of mine was my mistake and even I asked this question so many times to myself that why did I do such a thing.

It was because I was not close to Allah and always seeked for attention and someone who can hear me but now I feel positively connected to allah tala. I understand the journey of prophets and how they dealt with problems.

I tried so many times to convince my guy by giving him example of our Prophets (PUBH) to give me one chance but he is not willing to. what should i do?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

Your fiancé probably needs some space to process the pain, anger and hurt he experienced as a result of being cheated on.

If the guy does not want to continue with the relationship, accept it as the will of Allah.

While you are saying that you love this guy – it is apparent that something or some unfulfilled need made you cheat on him. Be open and honest about it to yourself.

Sister, it is important to understand that life in this world is a test.

Sometimes Allah SWT tries us through giving us things or people in our life and sometimes He tries us by taking them away from us.

Repent to Allah SWT about your sins and ask him for guidance.


Assalamu Alaikum sister, 

Thank you for reaching out. In your post, you have mentioned that you got distanced from Allah SWT and committed a sin. However, you realize your mistake and have asked Allah SWT for forgiveness. However, in the process, you have lost a person you loved. He is not ready to take you back in his life because he feels hurt because his trust was broken. 

Sister, I would say, that there is not much you can do about it, if a person does not want to commit to a relationship. A relationship always has two individuals and you cannot have a relationship if one of the parties does not want to continue – whatever the reasons. The only thing you can do is, communicate to him what he means to you, but you cannot force the relationship. 

Give Him Space

I also feel as though your fiancé probably needs some space to process the pain, anger and hurt he experienced as a result of being cheated on. While, it cannot be said for certain that he may come back to the relationship, once he has processed his emotions – however, there could still be a possibility.

It is important to give him the space. It is essential that his pain feels validated to him. Just admitting your mistake, and asking your forgiveness is sometimes not enough, if the other person feels that his emotions are being dismissed.  

Hence, if you keep nagging him to forgive, it could make him feel as though you are dismissing his feelings or that his feelings are meaningless; and it would push him further away. Therefore, give him the space to leave, and the option to come back to the relationship – if and when he feels ready. Ultimately, the essence of any relationship is mutual understanding and respect. 

Try to put yourself in his shoes. If it was him who had cheated, would you have been able to forgive him? If yes, on what basis would you have forgiven him? 

It is not doubt – that Allah SWT forgives and loves those who forgive, but it is entirely up to the person to choose if and when he is ready to forgive. 

How to Convince Him that I've Become a Better Muslimah? - About Islam

Accept It As The Will Of Allah 

If the guy does not want to continue with the relationship, accept it as the will of Allah. Maybe it is a trial that you are to experience in this world as a result of the sin you committed, or it could be that Allah SWT has better plans for you. Whatever it is – accept it. 

Allah SWT has pre-written our fate, and the only thing that can change it is Dua or supplication. Therefore, pray to Allah about what it is that you desire, and Allah will answer your prayers, InshaAllah.

Spend Some Time In Exploring Your Own Feelings

While you are saying that you love this guy – it is apparent that something or some unfulfilled need made you cheat on him. Be open and honest about it to yourself. What are the things that you find lacking in the person that made you unloyal? If it happened once, there is a possibility that it could happen again in future if your own feelings have not been fully processed or resolved.

Be honest about the things you like or dislike in him. It is important to know that his personality is unlikely to change after marriage; so, you need to be honest to yourself about what this relationship means to you.

Is it something which you may be using as a relationship of “convenience”? One that can help you “escape” from your loneliness? If this is the case – then the relationship is not likely to last very long.

Explore your fears in the relationship, and also your fears that you would face if you lose this relationship. Exploring your inner fears will help you get a better understanding of yourself as a person, and the things you want in life and in your relationships. 


Check out this counseling video:


Life in This World Is a Test

Sister, it is important to understand that life in this world is a test. And often things do not go in life as we want or as we plan. Each of us is tested in different ways – yet we are all tested. Alhamdulillah, Allah SWT has granted you the understanding that even the prophets have gone through great trials in life.

Sometimes Allah SWT tries us through giving us things or people in our life and sometimes He tries us by taking them away from us. Either way – Allah SWT sees how much we persevere in face of an adversity or a hardship. 

In the Quran, Allah SWT says, 

“Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: “We believe,” and will not be tested. And We indeed tested those who were before them. And Allah will certainly make (it) known (the truth of) those who are true, and will certainly make (it) known (the falsehood of) those who are liars, (although Allah knows all that before putting them to test).” [99:2-3]

Ask Allah SWT For Help and Guidance 

Allah loves those who repent and ask Him for guidance. Repent to Allah SWT about your sins and ask him for guidance. Allah SWT is Merciful and Compassionate. He Listens to everyone. And it is Allah SWT who knows what is good for us in this world and in the Hereafter. 

In the Quran, Allah SWT says, 

“And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein” [50:16]

Ask Allah SWT to direct you to the right path. Ask Him for guidance for a person and path which is best for you in this world and in the Hereafter, InshaAllah. May Allah SWT make things easy for you. Ameen. 

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/extramarital-affairs/cheated-fiancee-feel-guilty/

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/extramarital-affairs/cheated-fiancee-will-allah-forgive/

About Zainab Farrukh
Zainab Farrukh is a Counseling Psychologist. She is deeply inspired to bring about change at the individual, interpersonal and global levels.  She can be reached on her Facebook page – Thrive Now