My husband is financially dependent on me because he basically uses me and can’t sort himself out financially. I am the breadwinner. He has taken approx 30k out of me.
Secondly, he has debt with everyone including me a loan I pay for.
Thirdly, he failed to declare he was married in 2017. Wife number 2. He has been seeing her and me without me knowing. We got married in aug 2019. I paid for wedding honeymoon and he’s been seeing wife number 1, alongside me once a month in hotel rooms. Pretending he went to visit family. I never went because he used to live with my family. Wife number 2 lives in a different city. She also has her own boyfriend so I don’t know maybe it was just hook ups but she didn’t know he was married again. I confronted her in October.
Fourthly. He has 4 kids who are 18 years old from an arranged marriage so I’m wife number 1. Who is divorced. I have never been married. This was my first marriage and yes he hit the jackpot. I wasn’t A fan of being with someone with kids. He made it out like they don’t talk and now here they are all with him asking for money which no doubt comes back to me.
And finally his anger management and emotional abuse of having a fit for not getting his way is the reason why so much money has come out of me. He kicks up a fuss and has a fit when he doesn’t get his way.
I left him twice for a few days and came back. My parents don’t want me with him but my mum is divorced and I fear a divorce. Will my life get better? How do I walk? I sure do not deserve any of this as a young girl. I thought I could help him but This marriage is all for his benefit. I’m losing more money in the process of paying for rent when I can live with my mums for free.
His family I don’t talk to anymore. Just need some common sense advice. He doesn’t pray. I pray. I feel like I slowed down on my practicing when I’m with him. I really wanted someone religious and he is not religious. I pray Allah gives me a sign but then Allah does and I don’t go. What is wrong with me?
Answer
In this counseling answer, you will learn:
We have all been affected either directly or indirectly by this current situation.
Knowing that your situation is through no fault of your own, if you feel comfortable to, it might be a good idea to talk openly and honestly with her family about it.
Budgeting in your daily life sticking to the necessities only at this point.
There is no shame in asking for a little support at this time. Perhaps from family and/or close friends if possible.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,
This a dilemma that so many people are facing right now. You are not alone. It is something that we also must find ways to manage. In your situation there a few things to consider that in sha Allah will ease things for you, psychologically at least
We’re all affected by Covid-19 in some way
We have all been affected either directly or indirectly by this current situation. In many cases, a part of this has been the financial consequences for the same.
Regarding the financial difficulties, this has hit the breadwinner of the house in particular as they now have the added worry about how to provide for their families. Whilst it might be difficult, given its a consequence for many and is not any fault of the individual, I think we have a global understanding of the situation for all in this case.
You may FEEL like you are disappointing her family, but you don’t know for sure. We all understand the difficulties right now and I’m sure they will be understanding too. As will your wife to be and her family. Times are hard for all and the same expectations cannot be present at this time.
Be open and honest with her family
Knowing that your situation is through no fault of your own, if you feel comfortable to, it might be a good idea to talk openly and honestly with her family about it.
They may perhaps support you in going ahead with the marriage anyway to avoid falling into sin. Instead, you might suggest a d accept a more simple marriage with less expenses that you had originally planned.
This would be at the very least simply to make sure that you keep things halal and don’t fall into a haram relationship with this girl if you wait until the global situation is more settled and you are more financially stable again. This way you can reap the benefits of marriage as soon as possible.
‘Marry off the ˹free˺ singles among you, as well as the righteous of your bondmen and bondwomen. If they are poor, Allah will enrich them out of His bounty. For Allah is All-Bountiful, All-Knowing.’ (Qur’an, 24: 32)
‘And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.’ (Qur’an, 30: 21)
Practical steps
Taking some more practical steps to ease your financial burden would be helpful right now too. Budgeting is key here. Budgeting in your daily life sticking to the necessities only at this point.
Settle forlesss within boundary and reason. For example, a cheaper wedding as mentioned above and living with smaller living expenses, perhaps in a smaller house, or even with family to give time to save just a little at least.
Search for other opportunities
Otherwise, perhaps search for other work opportunities that can allow you to bring in extra income at this time. There are many more opportunities available online now.
Ask for support
There is no shame in asking for a little support at this time. Perhaps from family and/or close friends if possible. This may not be an option since everyone is going through the same, but if there is anyone you know who could lend some support at this time that could ease you concerns somewhat.
This may not be in terms of actual money, but perhaps in terms of space to live, or housesharing until you get married to save on rent and bills. Additionally, asking for help with wedding things such as catering to save hiring privately.
Summary
Your situation is not unique and the financial strain on most is high at present. As a result most people are understanding of the crises that many face.
You may consider talking to her family about it if comfortable to do so and perhaps discuss going ahead with the wedding anyway, but on a budget, mostly with intention of formalising the bond and making it halal, preventing you from falling into sin. Otherwise, in the meantime take practical steps to ease your burden.
May Allah reward your concern to stay away from sin and may He ease your burden. May He facilitate your marriage and make it easy for you to proceed. May He bring you happiness and success in your marriage in this life and the next.
˹They are˺ those who pray, “Our Lord! Bless us with ˹pious˺ spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.” (Qur’an, 25:74)
Salam,
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