I’ve Destroyed My Mother’s Life by Being Born

17 May, 2021
Q I hate every bit of myself regardless of whether I'm good, bad, or natural.

I even hate myself when I get hungry and in need of food.

I know why I am like that.

I'm just a direct reflection of my mother's emotions.

Though she loves me, she never knew how to check her own emotions.

Whatever she felt, whichever direction her mood swinged, she behaved accordingly.

She hated it whether I laughed, cried, or was silent.

From a very young age, I have always been thinking about death.

I always wanted to die

for I thought and still think that I have destroyed my mother's life by being born.

I am way much apathetic to life.

Though it's a sin in Islam,

I have prayed Allah to ordain death for me.

I have become unable to form and maintain any type of relationship.

It's been almost three years since I've enrolled in the university

and I couldn't make any friends.

Life has become a burden for me.

Failing in almost every subject.

I have no motivation to carry on with life.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

Please dear sister, if at any point you are going to harm yourself, please contact someone or your emergency number of 999.

Attempt to speak with your mother in a gentle manner.

  Look into finding a Psychiatrist and/or Therapist.

  Begin journaling daily.

  Join a school organization/activity.



Assalam alaykum,

Thank you for taking the time to express your emotions.

It is my understanding you struggle with depression.

This impacts your social life, school success, family relations and overall motivation for life.

It seems that your relationship with your mother is not healthy,

Dear Sister, please take some comfort in knowing you can overcome this inshallah and you can find happiness in life.

One of the 99 names, As-Salam, The Ultimate Provider of Peace, is your refuge and your source of healing.

I encourage you to take a deep breath as you are reading this,

slowly through your nose then out your mouth and say Bismillah (in the name of God).

Your journey to recovery has already begun.

You took a big step in reaching out.

I need to address your mentions of death and wanting to die.

Please dear sister, if at any point you are going to harm yourself, please contact someone or your emergency number of 999.

Additionally, this is a resource in your country that can help you find resources or just someone to talk with. 

Do not hesitate to contact someone if you need it.

I’ve Destroyed My Mother's Life by Being Born - About Islam

Home

As you mentioned your struggles at home, you can attempt to speak with your mother.

She may be struggling emotionally and not realize how much she has hurt you.

You can try to sit down with her and in a calm tone of voice let her know how you feel.

I suggest being non-confrontational and treat this gently.

For example, you can use I-statements to express “I feel depressed and like I hurt you being born”.

This gets your emotions across without pointing the blame at her so she will be less likely to get defensive.

You can ask her questions like “are you happy, mom?

We could work on being happier together”

to show her support while asking her to support you.

If you feel uncomfortable doing this,

consider having a mediator such as a family member that is close to both of you.

 Counseling

We cannot diagnose you,

but I can provide you with some brief information on clinical depression and you can use this as a starting point.

Generally speaking, people who have clinical depression feel sad or down for most of the day, not just short term lows.

They lose interest in activities they enjoyed such as sports or reading, their hobbies lose appeal.

A change in appetite is common, sleep struggles and overall lethargy.

They tend to have felt like they are not worth much or not deserving of happiness.

They also may have thoughts of hurting themselves.

Typically, this depressive state would last for two weeks or longer,

it is not an emotional state that changes quickly.

I strongly suggest you think about how you feel and how you described yourself,

then take that information to a professional Psychiatrist and/or Therapist.

Additionally, you can consider having your mother join you for family therapy.

This is important, Sister.

Depression is something you can beat inshallah,

but it takes time and due to how you describe your current emotional state,

I advocate for you seeking a professional for help.

If you will not feel comfortable doing this in person then start with online counseling.

A psychiatrist may or may not prescribe medications to help you get over this struggle.

Think of those medications like a helper,

they don’t do all of the work but they make that work a little easier.

If you don’t feel comfortable with medications that are your choice to make,

I encourage anyone seeking psychiatric medication to do their research and ask the doctor a lot of questions.

 Highlight the Good

Sister, I want you to try and start a new activity.

This is a journaling activity called highlighting the good.

Every evening sit down and think of at least one thing you are grateful for.

Write it down.

You can write down as many as you want, but at least one of them has to be about you.

Something related to you personally.

For example, “I am grateful I am kind to animals”,

or “I am grateful I know how to cook that chicken recipe really well.”

It doesn’t need to be something grand,

it can be small.

When you wake up in the morning take a few minutes to read your highlighting the good entries.


Check out this counseling video:


Inshallah, this will help you end your day with grateful thoughts and begin in the same manner.

The more you do this, the more your brain gets into the habit of focusing on positivity and increasing gratitude.

School

I know it can be hard to focus on school during these times,

but school can inshallah help you.

This will challenge you and might feel unusual at first,

but the first steps are often the hardest.

Look into school clubs and organizations.

Perhaps they have a meeting for students seeking the same major

or a coffee cafe where students meet every week to study.

Find an organization that aligns with you and join. 

Even if you don’t talk with people at first,

just showing up at social events will slowly help bring down those barriers.

Ideally, you are able to find a friend that you can talk with.

I know you mentioned failing classes previously.

Sister, don’t stress on this so much.

You can always retake them and change the grade.

Editor’s note:

Sister, talk to someone whom your mother respects and listens to.

It could be a trustworthy relative or friend.

Tell him/her about how you feel. 

Let him/her convince your mother to join you in the therapy.

It would be highly important that you seek therapy as a family in order to fix this relationship .

Nonetheless your mother’s response to therapy,

you need to work on yourself with a therapist and develop healthy coping skills for your situation.

You may want to contact your local imam as well,

or a knowledgeable sister who can talk to both of you from an Islamic perspective about your situation.

 Final Thoughts

Dear Sister, here is a summary of your next steps moving forward.

  • Attempt to speak with your mother in a gentle manner
  • Look into finding a Psychiatrist and/or Therapist
  • Seek help from a relative or a friend of your mother or contact your local imam.
  • Begin journaling daily
  • Join a school organization/activity

I know these feelings are difficult and weight heavy on you, but in time this can be alleviated.

May Allah (swt) heal your heart and make it easier for you.

salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

https://aboutislam.net/spirituality/depression-vs-contentment-can-real-muslim-be-depressed/

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/mental-health/depression-anxiety-guilt/

https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/living-islam/causes-sadness-depression/

About Monique Hassan
Monique Hassan graduated with honors in 2012 with her BSc in Psychology and a minor in Biology and is certified in Crisis Prevention and Intervention. She has years of professional as well as personal experience with trauma, relationship struggles, substance abuse, identifying coping skills, conflict resolution, community outreach, and overall mental health concerns. She is a professional writer specialized in Islamic Psychology and Behavioral Health. She is also a revert who took her shahada in 2015, Alhamdulillah. You can contact Sister Monique Hassan via her website "MoniqueHassan.com"