It feels like other people matter to her more than me. She puts everyone ahead of me and I'm always the one who is wrong or I'm just being dramatic and I have to get "over" the problem. I feel like I need more support from her, but if I told her this she would probably misunderstand me we start arguing all over again.
I really need help. My mother is really difficult to deal with. I have been feeling cold and lost after each argument I have with her. She also puts the blame on my older sisters when I argue with her too because she thinks that they "influenced" me.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• It is important to understand that your mother may not be aware that she is putting you down. Perhaps she is doing it unconsciously
• It important that you learn to talk to your mother in an assertive way. Let her know what you think and feel in a way that she does not feel attacked.
• Do not let other people’s reactions or disapproval impact your own personality or peace of mind.
As-Salamu Alaikum Sister,
From your post, I feel as though you are having quite a difficult time with your mother. You have mentioned that although you are grateful for all the things she does for you; but you resent the fact that she does not listen to you or try to understand your perspective on things.
Secondly, you also feel, that whenever you go to her for help – she gives you the wrong advice and makes you feel as though she is not on your side.
You have also mentioned that you feel as though she puts everyone else ahead of you, does not make you feel important, and perceives you as being dramatic. Due to all these reasons, you are cold and distant towards your mother.
I see that you are in a difficult position since from childhood our basic instinct is to get approval from our parents and especially the mother.
If you do not get the approval, it can cause you to feel a multitude of emotions that include anxiety, sadness, guilt, and shame.
You may even begin to feel inferior to others because you feel as though you are not good enough.
Check out this counseling video:
Sister, first of all, it is important to understand that your mother may not be aware that she is putting you down. Perhaps she is doing it unconsciously.
So first of all, it is essential that you bring it into her awareness about how you feel regarding her attitude towards you in a proactive way.
You have also mentioned your concern that if you bring this up with her, she will start arguing with you again.
I am listing a few ways about how you can work on your own communication so that you are able to get a better response from your mother.
Make Use of “I” Statements
Instead of saying “you always do this to me” make use of I statements and let your mother know how you feel when she treats you in a certain way.
For instance, you can say “I feel let down when you do not appreciate my efforts” or “I felt that you should have responded differently when I did something wrong” or “I feel that we are continuously arguing, and it really stresses me out; What can we do together that would help us understand each other better?”
Be Assertive (not aggressive, or passive-aggressive)
It is important that you learn to be assertive. When we feel attacked, we usually tend to go into the “victim” mode and then begin reacting either in an aggressively or in a passive-aggressive way.
This causes further problems in communications and hence affects our relationships adversely.
So, it important that you learn to talk to your mother in an assertive way. Let her know what you think and feel in a way that she does not feel attacked.
Do Not Get Into A Blame Game Or Power Struggles
It is important that you realize that she is your mother, and hence she is an authority figure. It would not be right to defy her or deny all the time. It is important that you make her feel respected and esteemed.
When we are annoyed, we often tend to snap at our parents, who get annoyed that they are not getting due respect; this could be one reason why she continues to argue with you.
It unconsciously becomes a vicious cycle that never ends. For instance, she says something that you don’t like, you unconsciously retaliate and say something that offends her, she says something again that puts you down – and the cycle continues.
So, it is important that you are aware of how you feel when your mother argues with you the next time, and you consciously make an effort to not to say something that could hurt your mother in return. Remember that interpersonal communication is a two-way path.
Set Your Boundaries
While we often grow up thinking that we ought to do and think exactly how our parents do. However, it should not always be the case.
If at some point you feel as though you have different opinions and ideas, do not be afraid to express them.
Do not let other people’s reactions or disapproval impact your own personality or peace of mind.
Maintain A Balance
While there is absolutely no harm in setting your boundaries but In Islam, Allah SWT has given a special place to the parents and especially the mother. She is to be cherished and respected unconditionally. In the Quran Allah SWT says,
“We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth” (46:15)
In another verse He says,
“We have enjoined on man and woman kindness to parents; but if they (either of them) strive (to force) thee to join with Me anything of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not” (29:8)
May Allah SWT guide us all to the right path and make things easy for us.
Salam,
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