Ways to Deal With Power Struggles in Your Marriage

10 December, 2017
Q As salamu aleikum. I am married for more than 15 years and we have 4 children alhamdulillah. Since the beginning of our marriage, I struggle with some attitudes of my husband. I have considered leaving him several times, but I am somehow still attached to him so it is not easy for me to do so. I also don’t want to divorce, because I feel this will have bad consequences concerning the children. For example, he may go back to his home country and try to take them with him, so I would live in a constant state of fear. I tried to change my own behavior towards him, but I feel he triggers something inside me so that it is hard to live up to my expectations when it comes to him. He is a very dominant person and very keen to show me that he doesn’t need me or my approval. In addition, he is an extreme stonewalled. When we have issues, he stops talking to me, sometimes for weeks and even months. When we talk again, we never solve our issues, until the next argument. When I try to talk to him, he insists that he does nothing wrong, it is all my fault, so I need to correct, not him. I feel we are in a constant state of problems, and we are not able to solve even small issues without a huge argument. I proposed several times that we seek for help, but he said he would never do that, he knows me better than anyone else and he can assure that the problem is only in me. He has also been physical abusive to me in the past, and he never even apologized. Sometimes I feel that he regrets, but it is like he is unable to say that he made a mistake. I am in a way sorry for him, because he has many good qualities, he is also a good father, but a miserable husband when it comes to emotional connection. At the moment, we are both stuck in a power struggle where everyone is keen to show the other how less he needs him. There is zero vulnerability between us. I don’t want to live like that. But the emotional connection between us is so insecure that I feel I also need to pull back. I wanted to start counselling for myself, but I can’t afford it because I don’t have an income. Is there any chance to improve a situation like that, even when the husband is not willing to contribute?


Salam Aleikom,

In this video, you will learn:

What to do when your husband is not opened to counseling

What to do when you cannot afford counseling

Your options in case your husband tries kidnapping your children

How to safely separate from your husband if you decide to seek a divorce



Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Megan Wyatt
Megan Wyatt is the founder of Wives of Jannah where she offers training programs, live workshops, and relationship coaching for wives and couples. She is a certified Strategic Intervention coach with specialized certifications for working with women and marital relationships and has been coaching and mentoring Muslims globally since 2008. She shares her passion for Islamic personal development in her Passionate Imperfectionist community. She is a wife and homeschooling mother with four children residing in Southern California.